My guy didn’t show up so that was a bummer. He rescheduled for the 14th which seems like an eternity when you’re talking weeks. The supervisor’s assessment didn’t show up either so I had the ability to ask him a charting question for another individual session. I absolutely can’t believe that this is happening to me again where I am affected by and attracted to the presence of some man. It’s like, that ship has sailed.

Those wounds have been healed, those needs taken care of. I can’t imagine living like this on a daily basis where you have to have control over yourself all the time. Sometimes just saying the things out loud just helps you to realize the absurdity of it all. It’s like, some guy who’s had his girlfriend for 17+ years I’m sure is not giving me AN OUNCE OF THOUGHT on a Friday night when he’s home from work.

And oh yeah, I’M MARRIED. So I am content to live with this disturbance of mind and ignore whatever flighty impulses my head concocts. Today in group we watched a meditation video. For a while we were on the floor doing seated meditations. One of the things we had to write was what we would want on our tombstone. The idea was to identify what truly matters in life. The words I had were “Christ was her strength.”

I had over 20 hours this week and I definitely didn’t like it. I feel like this is my perpetual excuse for not doing more, but being a stay-at-home mom for so many years changed my heart and the way I orient my life. I feel like I keep having these feelings of loyalty and devotion to people who don’t even exist anymore, to a family who has disbanded and gone their own separate ways. But these people have my heart.

So I would rather just do my mediocre job here and let the chips fall where they may out there. By mediocre I mean accepting the part of this work that depletes me and causes me to perform at levels that are lower than what the standard in my head would be and has been. It’s like some variation of what that Psalm says. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the feelings of any other houses.