“…and lead me in the way everlasting~
~Psalm 139:9~

I could be totally wrong, but I don’t think that even in the Song of Songs is there any indication that the couple there shares a deep and rapturous soul connection. Happy, yes. Enamored, yes. But where does it show that these two souls are joined and that this results in them mysteriously knowing and understanding every little thing about each other?

The only place I see anything like this is Psalm 139, and this is not a couple in love. “O LORD, you have searched me and known me.” And then it goes on with all these things about how God knows everything about us. Where we are. What we’re thinking. What we are doing. How we were made.

Who else could know us like this? And why do I look to find it anywhere else? This comfort God gives is uniquely ours in the context of living in a world with heartache. In the afterlife, in the life to come, we will not need the comfort of God seeing our trials or knowing our thoughts or our whereabouts. There will be no more of me left to find. Only him.

Unless I’m misjudging I seem to be already on the mend. That’s good because I have things I need to do this week. I woke up this morning still with a fever, chills, and pain all over. Since 2021 I don’t tolerate fevers. I used to try to let it run its course without altering it with antipyretics. But I finally was like, oh whatever I can’t take this. And I got out of bed and took one ibuprofen.

I walked back to the room and felt suddenly nauseous. There was nowhere to go so I knelt at the laundry pile and threw up Sprite until my stomach and bladder were seemingly empty. I muttered to my husband, “I need your help”, and soon he was up and standing over me. He cleaned up the laundry and liquids while I crossed over to the bathroom to shower. After that I felt better.

The kids had off school for MLK day. They slept in for what seemed a long time, possibly pushing 10AM. I stayed in bed and drank juice for most of the day. Dad had a group at the CGC he went over and talked to for a while. There were people we knew from camp. They walked down to the lake in the afternoon and stayed down there for over an hour. Later we ate a nice supper together.

I called off work today but found a replacement. This was the right decision as I would’ve been utterly miserable. I felt it coming on last night and almost texted a coworker then but decided to see how I felt in the morning. To my shock and surprise she said she’d come in and not just for part of it but for all of the shift. One of the boys has had another cough these last two weeks so finally now I have succumbed to something.

The kids and I watched church from home. I didn’t wake anyone up for them to leave in time. Elianna had been out past midnight after attending a concert in St. Louis with the youth group. Dad was up and had to be out by 7 to preach somewhere at a dual parish. Later he and Elianna went out and grocery shopped. The boys drove into town to get burgers and brought back food for them and Dad for lunch. They stopped by the store.

So it’s been a chill day here inside and out. The temps are in those ridiculously cold single digits where the boys come back from walking Zorro red faced. Ethan said several of them drove out of town then ran back in the direction of the wind. He stopped when they ran by the school. When two of them were done they dropped into the ditch and curled up and stayed there until getting picked up. It was a nice day and I was grateful for it.

One of the boys came in and told me Ethan was running a 5k at the track meet. Oh that’s right, it’s tomorrow, I said. He said, no it’s tonight. I don’t even really remember knowing there was a meet and had to search my email for the coach’s links. It wasn’t the greatest time but I wasn’t expecting that. Within 15 minutes of hearing about the race he was on the living room tv and everybody was watching including grandma from her house.

I couldn’t watch the whole thing. Actually I probably could’ve but I’m used to leaving and watching it later. It’s just easier that way. But I texted him good luck and heard from him a little bit after the race. This afternoon I met Elianna and Judah at the Y because she and I had scheduled to Y days on my calendar and I’d already cancelled one earlier in the week. I didn’t have energy to go today either but I went and just dealt with it for the sake of trying to keep and build our relationship.

Judah wanted to drive home so he did. I did have him text me so at least there was that. The two of them had been running before I was there. Elianna wanted to do some kind of strength training and I planned the days because I just wanted to do something. It is hard this time of year to walk outside for whatever reason. I keep saying to myself that when I’m done with school I’ll get in shape again. I just haven’t been able to keep it a priority.

There really are only so many things I can be steady with. I said something the other day about wanting to dye my hair and Josh said, “Why?” Because women who dye their hair are prettier, I said. I was thinking of this girl in my class who does hair for a living and her hair always has a pretty color and looks nice. We have to watch ourselves on these videos and this last one had me thinking I could stand to do my hair more or try to tame the wild strands. The outfits still need work.

But again this all takes time and money, things that are limited and that I’m already spending. The next day I found several printed papers in the bathroom with the cover title Caring For Grey Hair. I appreciated that. He insists I should just let it go grey when it comes instead of trying to pluck them out which I’ve mostly given up doing. It really doesn’t bother me all that much but I still did a quick grey check over before leaving for group.

I think sometimes that this line on my face is a scar, and maybe even a punishment that was allowed as a reminder. The line I don’t even think about there but with the hair today I did. There was a new woman there for group who is also a practicum student from school. One student in group was okay but two for me felt like it changed the dynamic. I didn’t think of it until later, but if I get the chance I’d like to take a chance before process group and ask the others how they feel.

About having these students here. Part of group is being able to be honest about what’s happening even if it isn’t necessarily comfortable. I told the supervisor that one of the clients was using group more as walk-in counseling, disrupting the group every time he comes in, and that makes it unfair and uncomfortable for the other women in the group. There is a time and a place for what he needs but group is for people who are doing the work.

The new girl and I miscommunicated about the evening. We were texting each other about seeing each other tonight except I forgot the supervisor had said she’d be putting her in the emergency shelter. So I got to the temporary shelter about 4 and sat on the couch in the common area. I talk to a few of the kids who were in and out of the room. They asked when I was going to start group and I said I was waiting for Alexis.

But after a half hour or so I figured I would go ahead and get started. I sent her a text to see if she was still coming. Later when I saw it she said she was downstairs. There is a child who I have learned does not do well in group and does much better by herself. But the girls asked about having her in there and I said okay we’ll try it. It didn’t go well and my other supervisor would say, “So who’s the one with the learning disability?”

So I went downstairs to talk to the supervisor and when I walked into the ES she was majorly laying into the women who were lined up at their tables. WE ARE WOMEN. I guess people weren’t keeping their spaces clean. And a whole bunch of other things were said because somebody had brought liquor and marijuana on the property and into the building. So then they had to do a search of everyone’s belongs and living areas.

They sign a contract not to do that so they know they’re not supposed to. So eventually after that I caught up with Alexis for a few seconds in person and put the name to the face of the people from class. She’s very cute with pretty hair. She’s actually worked there before and knows the boss so she’s familiar with the facility. I told her I normally leave around 6:30 which is when I also left tonight. She was going to do an intake.

Later we texted about how that was a lot and she was going to just come upstairs for the next time because she is there to do counseling not the other stuff she was doing (besides the intake). I told her there were plenty of people upstairs to get time with especially if she doesn’t mind meeting with kids. I don’t think the supervisor will mind, she is pretty supportive about whatever. So I don’t know, we’ll see how next week goes.

I’ve been avoiding going back to Contact. I feel like I needed several come to Jesus moments of lying in bed processing that I need to go back. It was all automatic I wasn’t really even thinking too deeply about it. But it’s a lot there, and you can only be flexible and adaptable for so long before you start to feel stressed by the lack of stability.

There’s a lot to catch up on, except yesterday was not a good day to meet and neither was today, although I did go in. I was just going to sit in for the wrap-around meetings for a little while before going to class. Two women have moved out via placement. One left to move in with a boyfriend which is what also happened over Thanksgiving.

And then that person ended up back in a shelter somewhere else. So we were in the meeting following up with one of the girls who recently left which is what they officially do for up to a year just to continue providing support as they get back on their feet. She was not having a good day because her son had gotten suspended from school again.

Sigh. Yes, again. It’s not at all like this kid is delinquent. He’s a good kid until until he gets in these situations. I don’t know who to believe, the mother, or the kid, or the school or supervisor. I hear different stories from all of them. It ticks me off. There is a culture of fighting and violence down here that makes you wonder how teachers cope.

She asked today if I’d be interested in doing any paid case work. It depends what the said case work would entail. The case work intern is gone though I still don’t know why. Did she graduate, leave, get fired, find a job? There’s hardly time to get any details. I am led on by hope that this might be a way of speedily accumulating these needed hours.

But I don’t know if the hope is true or false. I did get an email tonight from a classmate who is beginning her practicum there this semester. She sent me the times she’d be at the facility and I’m planning on matching her schedule for the most part. Again, not to get my hopes up too much, or even hers, but it would be nice to have another person.

Grandma seems to have perked back up today. She was sleeping but was alert enough to Facetime people but for not very long. I was on my way to class when my aunt called. I told her to tell her hi from school for me. Earlier in the day I called but the phone was off the hook. The class I’m in is smaller which is nice. We got out again a little bit early.

“…For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”
~1 Corinthians 14:35~

My grandma is possibly on her deathbed but no one is certain. My aunt was keeping us updated saying she’d been awake for almost 30 hours. She’d been picking daisies, baking pies, and asking for help to pack her bags. She wasn’t dying today (yesterday), she was dying tomorrow. She’d been busy talking to people in heaven, Ken and Susie and so many others. She’d talked to missionaries and shared the Gospel with others.

She finally fell asleep (not the death kind). The hospice nurse came in and said her lungs were clear, her oxygen levels good, her skin still warm and she’d recently been drinking. They gave her morphine and anxiety medicine beforehand and none of it had done anything to calm her down. She’s still living with Tony and Darlene in New York. I am just so immensely grateful for them taking her in. A friend from church stopped by.

She said it seemed grandma had one foot on earth and another in heaven. And she said how happy she was for her. I didn’t share the same feelings or I guess it wasn’t my first thought. It’s weird to me when people jump so quickly to happy. But this friend woman is like 30 years older than me and a stronger Christian than I am. All the people who went to this church seemed to have such strong faith and joy from what I could tell.

Women did not speak during the church service. But they spoke during conferences, and in Sunday School classrooms, and in prayer meetings and evening get-togethers. When I think about my greatest unhappiness and dissatisfaction with church, I think I could narrow it down to not being able to talk. There are not enough opportunities to speak and be heard, for there to be a mutual building up and learning from others.

I understand there’s a fine line. Sharing prayer requests can quickly descend into gossip and there becomes a list a mile long when you begin to include every surgery, diagnosis, and health concern of your neighbors. In class I get annoyed with the people who just seem to think they’re God’s gift to the world when it comes to their thoughts and feedback. They go on and on and you want to say “LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK.”

I’m pretty sure that’s my flesh though so I do try to be mindful and reframe it with grace. We really do all have our quirks and inconsistencies and dreadfully difficult things to bear with, both in ourselves and in other people. These are ways to grow in compassion and patience especially when we’re open to God’s work in our life. The above mentioned thoughts in my head are not the thoughts that I want to be there.

I wish we could still have prayer meetings. Where the church is open for any person to come and they could be listened to. No problem too small or any prayer request too petty. And you could put your arm around this person and hold their hand or simply place your hand on their shoulder. Or you wouldn’t even have to touch them, you could just open the Bible and read them a verse and pray for them because they were loved.

We started back with school today. The class I’m taking is Social Justice and Advocacy in Counseling. It’s very similar to the multicultural class I already took and is also one of the class requirements here. We went through the syllabus and had to do introductions. This teacher frustrates people because she doesn’t return emails. Her partner (a man) suddenly died two months ago from leukemia.

We were done within an hour. I love when classes get out early. I always leave feeling like I have a new lease on life. She said there won’t be lectures in this class because it is mostly discussion based. I asked for clarification about an assignment. Is this a term paper? She said it’s really up to you and depends on what works best for you. Next week we already won’t have class because of the MLK holiday.

So I think I’m going to like it. I feel bad for being such a slacker sometimes. If they’re chill about it then I’m chill about it and I’m not going to complain about the way she’s doing things. It’s not that you don’t try or don’t want to learn but the readings seem like too much to keep up with in the way I would love to be reading them. I did read an article that is part of the assigned readings list for the course.

My internship class is different so I’m not sure what’s going on there. There are required textbooks which my last instructor did not have. She wants four individual videos between the two of us instead of last semester’s two. Instead of sighing, I’m going to try and embrace this expectation of development where we’re supposed to be going deeper into our theory both in research and in practice.

I saw a student from my former school. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes because this whole time I’d thought I was the only one. We said hello. He had just started in the semester when they announced the closing. He’s a black man who often wore a clerical collar. So that was kind of nice but I’m still the person in the back of the crowd. I’m thinking I will do my project on mental health care for the poor.

It hit me that at some point I had wanted to be a caterer. Making food for groups, decorating tables, and being available for weekend parties seemed like something I could do that could also make fantastic money. People always need food and look for ways to get out of cooking it. I’d been to enough catered events to know what was good and what wasn’t. Tender meat, potatoes, bread, and several vegetables was enough.

I remembered all this at the bridal expo this afternoon. I dropped the boys off at Sunday school and met Laura and her mom at the Crowne Plaza. They’d never been in there. I’ve been in there for graduations and receptions and even dance recitals for campers. Back in the day they would even have proms there though I’d never been to one of those. The building towers over the interstate exit that I now use for school.

Elianna met the boys there after going to church with Miles. He’d gone to West Side this morning, which is the closest thing we have to a mega-church in Springfield. He isn’t totally sold on his home church and likes to church visit on occasion. Last night we were all at Trinity for the Saturday night service. Dad and Ethan left this morning around 8 to take him back to Nebraska. He didn’t want to stay over so he is driving back tonight.

The wedding isn’t scheduled until August 8, 2026. I’ve had some thoughts regarding this that I haven’t necessarily worked out yet. Traditionally I’ve been told that long engagement aren’t the greatest and I would’ve tended to agree with that opinion. I had no problem with him asking her and feel like it was right for him to make his intentions known. She wants to get married in the summer, but this summer seemed too soon.

I thought, “What if I have cancer? I wonder if they’d move it…” I’ve currently put that out of mind until there is something to worry about. All things considered, knowing what I know about marrying young and beginning your life, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to wait. Get another year of school done, mature more, research the town and housing options, and preferably find a job. She wears that ring at Baylor meaning she’s taken.

But to have a whole year at school together, that’s going to be tough. I have some stories which I feel in some way morally obligated to share but have not had the courage, chance, or just the right moment to tell him. Dorm rules do not keep you from following them, and there are always those 24-hour lounge spaces. It could be the cold of winter, it does not matter. The trails, the moon, the magic of night will draw you out.

They want to get married at camp. Her parents questioned it at first but I guess they relented. We walked into the expo not knowing what to expect but being willing to try it. They had caterers, florists, dress shops, and photo stations. I did not cry saying goodbye to my son, but when it came to the three of us standing there in the parking lot, I cried when I hugged her, and then her mom did, and then she did. We had such a nice break.

I don’t know, she’s so sweet, and the whole thing is just overwhelming at times. Or unbelievable, I’m not quite sure what the word is. And yet this is normal and thankfully part of life. It’s fun with these extra people around. I drove back to Sherman and went straight to County Market to pick up food for lunch and supper and a few more meals for the week. The kids met me back home, unloading the van without me even asking.

My nieces came over to sled in the afternoon. Jessica and Jason were up in Wisconsin for a wedding. We spent the previous evening at my mother-in-law’s house. There hadn’t been a chance for all of us to be together so came over for supper and for our annual Christmas bingo game with prizes. It was actually really fun. The lane had already been cleared by a neighbor but still had several inches of snow.

We sat at the table and there was laughter and goofy conversation for quite some time. We were genuinely enjoying each other’s company which is always such a relief for me. After supper we had birthday dessert and then we went into the bingo game. I ended up trading my prize with my niece because she had an ugly Christmas sweater coffee mug and I had a mini-Harry Potter character who said a few words.

She would’ve rather had the toy and I would’ve rather had the mug. I used the mug for coffee to bring outside during sledding. My mother-in-law and I parked our chairs at the top of the hill and watched. We were the judges for whoever could get the farthest on their the sled. The older kids were with Miles and Laura who had also been there at the house for bingo. Dad was on the hill keeping the dog on his leash.