We woke again to falling snow. The snow continued from morning till evening. The kids still had school that started on schedule so Dad ended up taking them at my request. All three of the bigger kids went this time. The roads were slick and driving was slow so I did not go to group and stayed home with the boys. We did social studies last and I tried to read to them about the Boston Massacre which I know nothing about.

I just couldn’t stay with it so we watched a segment on YouTube and called that our lesson. I suggested we watch a documentary about the Donner Party since this is what we do on warm, snowy, grey days. So we watched half of it and paused at the part where The Forlorn Hope sets out with 17 people but by the time they make it somewhere semi-safe they’ve only got 7 with many more still in the mountains.

Since I wasn’t going to group Dad stayed out to get the oil changed. After that he started plowing while the boys and I made ham and rice. I was starting to feel like he was avoiding us because he’d been outside for what seemed like hours and wasn’t coming in at the normal time to eat. I called and he was on the picnic table out front finishing his cigar. I said I was starting to feel like he was avoiding us.

He said he wasn’t trying to avoid us he was trying to avoid work. He’d tried to talk himself out of going outside and plowing but in the end thought it’d be better if he cleared off the snow so whenever the sun came back there’d be less for it to melt. But what’d he’d really wanted to do was stay inside and be lazy. So he wasn’t trying to avoid us, he’d wanted to stay inside where we were but he went outside instead to plow.

Sometimes you just have to ask for clarification. So I rewarmed up the food the boys had already put away and sometime he came in and must’ve eaten it. The boys and I went downstairs and cleaned in the laundry room which becomes a giant mess when the snow gear comes out and the holiday decor is laying around. There was a whole garbage bag full of trash and the mountain of laundry is only now a small floor layer.

“To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless…”
~1 Corinthians 4:11~

My sister called in the morning to catch me up on her latest job news. I’d texted them to see how everyone’s new year was going, if they were back into their routines. She’s been feeling for a while like she maybe needs a new job. My brother-in-law and two of my sisters all work for the same church. Like any church it has its problems. But she’s been wondering if it wasn’t time to move somewhere else, to return to old places.

And that was the plan as far as I knew, until she had a change of heart. The goodbyes had been said, the month notice given, the new job was lined up. But then she saw the chaos ensuing; the pastor trying to get her a raise, her duties being split between her post-partum sister and the young husband and dad already working 70 hours. I thought, “Where are the Boomers?? Why are these young ones carrying so much?”

There’s so much resentment out there over how much a people group, gender, or generation failed another. It’s not my problem to solve, and neither is it my sister’s in this particular situation. I suppose we all in some form or another have to have our own experiences that causes us to despair of life itself in order that we might be mercifully cured of the delusion that we had somehow cracked the code to personal prosperity.

And I guess that’s supposed to be comforting for people. I know it is it just doesn’t always feel like it. So anyway the boys finished school and we heated up leftovers for lunch. There was potato soup and tator tot casserole and the warming comfort foods of winter. I feel like there was something else I’m forgetting. I had a Zoom call with my instructor trying to get my technology figured out so I could log my intercession hours.

She has to email the company. I was madly calculating numbers to compare what it would look like to finish in summer or to still go through the fall with three classes. Dad and the boys went outside to sled. I walked out there eventually just to see what was going on. The van got stuck when Ethan backed it up to go pick up Laura. I took the dog so Josh could go help him. We have another official driver as of sometime this week.

Judah dressed up and drove Ethan and Laura around for their date. They put the middle seats down in the van to make it more like a limousine. Laura likes this Thai place so that’s where they met while my other son went to a close McDonalds. They came here afterwards but I was at class. I came home right as they were leaving for him to take her back home. Elianna came home eventually and Ethan sometime after I was asleep.

My flesh showed up this morning where it came on two times in a row in fairly rapid succession. It started when I said I didn’t want to go back to school. It really was just a statement about whatever feeling I was having. But it was met with one of my offspring replying, “Well, you kind of brought that on yourself.” Like would it kill anybody just once, just once, to have some kind of curiosity about the woman who raised them.

So the reply was not, “Oh mom, tell me, what made you want to go back to school? What are you learning about? What kinds of things do you want to do when you’re done?” I say it was the flesh because it was, that Achilles heel of mine to want their admiration. I thought, “Oh my gosh this is my flesh. This is the thing that is always tripping me up.” I went and told my husband about it and he said something that helped me to feel better. I told him thanks for listening and that he did a good job.

The second time was in the bathroom this morning. Josh was wiping out the sink and he said, “Sorry, I’m just cleaning up my beard hairs so you don’t hold it against me.” I felt so unknown. Like after all these years he still doesn’t see it. I said, “I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs. I hold it against you that you don’t appreciate that I don’t hold it against you for not cleaning up beard hairs.” He laughed and that was all.

That I’m not like those other women. That’s what you and everyone needs to appreciate. It really is awful and I thought about this for a while and how much strife it’d brought into my life. Such a colossal waste of emotion, not to mention being a quality that makes a person unpleasant. It was one of those things that faded with the morning’s progression. I ate breakfast, started school, kept on with the laundry. “Hush flesh, you’re dead now”, I actually thought it to myself, confident now in my beliefs.

I’m kind of sad break is over. We had such a nice time and now it’s slowly turning into something else that isn’t it, as in, it’s a new moment in time. The kids are back to school. I will start again soon. Ethan will have to go back sometime this weekend. I actually had one of my class meetings this afternoon and still have to come up with another video for tomorrow. Sometimes I question whether counseling is all that helpful for people.

Classmates were telling of cancellations and no-shows. How you think you’re starting to form rapport with a person and then they quit coming or move away or what have you. I remember thinking similar things in Pharmacology. Why are we putting so much stock in these pills and not asking more questions as to what’s causing their symptoms? If a pill can so greatly effect the body, how much more a plate of good food? It’s the idealism, the partial truths mixed with the not so black and white realities of being alive.

There were five of us for supper this evening. The high school kids were at a youth group meeting and we moved all the table papers to the far end of the table and then we ate at the other. Somebody commented on how big Zorro is already. I think he’s having some kind of growth spurt because to me he looks like an actual dog. They say he’ll get even bigger. For a moment I imagined getting another one, a puppy from birth.

The snow makes everything so beautiful. I just love it so much to have these seasons of winter when everything is hushed. I don’t think I could take it forever because there is something to being able to walk outside without coats. And be warmed by the sand. In the mornings I’ve been getting up and going straight for my coffee and readings. We have the best couch and I bring out with me at least one blanket.

The boys started back with school today. The bigger kids had a late start and didn’t have to be there until nine. Dad was back to work and even wore more dressier clothes. He said he’s been wearing clothes like this all along but I thought today he looked more professional. He does Bible study twice a month at the high school so he left for that before lunch. I made a casserole for the rest of us who were here. I actually made two so that the big kids would have an extra one that they could use for their lunches.

I’d asked my son about supper and he said chicken strips and cheesy potatoes so that was his birthday meal. Josh picked up a few things that he can use to hopefully clean up one of our vans that’s been sitting for a couple of years. Looking back we probably should’ve kept driving it at least every once in a while. But he’s hoping he can get it working and then use it for a vehicle. The back is covered in crayon.

The kids went to the Y after school. We’ve had this membership for years that gets used sometimes and sometimes doesn’t. The three older kids ran on the treadmills and I used some variation of recumbent bike that also had arm handles. Before that Ethan and I had gone to Walmart. He wanted to pick out a birthday present for Laura. He wants to get her a Cardinals shirt but I didn’t know that until we were there. Any time I’ve ever bought a Cardinals shirt I have bought them at Target. We found a few things.

Mr. Clean erasers and some marshmallow stuffed animal. Elianna and I drove home together and the boys followed fairly soon after. We had our birthday dinner and party plus the ice cream cake he wanted for dessert. I was actually very full afterward. Before that Dad and the boys had played outside in the snow drift by the indoor chapel. Zorro was there too and took another long nap. I had one too in the day.

The kids had a snow day because of the snow. We ended up with about seven inches which really isn’t that much. The worst of it was yesterday afternoon and evening when we actually had to drive in it. Josh took me to work and then picked me up when it was over. I was lucky to get out almost 45 minutes early because the night nurse who works on REACH came in early at 7. She came over around 10:15 to get report so I could go.

The kids of course wanted to play outside sometime today. They were out for several hours, I am not even kidding. Just when I thought they’d been out long enough Laura’s parents dropped her of since they were running errands in town. So then Dad took them all out to the big hill. I stayed inside and cleaned the living room and made cookies. Before they left they came in for a water break and I brought them cups.

Just when I thought it’d be time for everyone to come home a new group arrived to sled. Before that a neighbor asked if her husband could bring her son over to sled. It’s the same neighbor who was in my son’s class. I said of course and they had all just left for the big hill. Later she sent me a video of all the kids sledding down in a chain and riding over a ramp one of the boys had set up. It was actually quite amusing.

It took a while to bake the cookies because I only have one sheet that only holds eight at time. Zorro was out for a while and then he was in with me and then eventually he was down for a nap. He was out in the snow yesterday and after that came in and took a four hour nap. I’m just amazed at his energy, really by all of them I am amazed. I was short of breath just walking around the house again and carrying around the vacuum.

Well they all ended up back here eventually. I went for a walk and met them coming back by the chapel. So then I turned around because I was only walking to find them. Right about the time everyone got home a new group came to sled. It was Maddy and Matt and his brother and her mom and siblings. The mom and I have been semi-planning a spring break trip to Florida. We need somewhere where we can sunbathe.

Well her kids wanted to play with my boys and I told them they’d just been out for four hours. But they begged and said they’d been warmed by tea and cookies so I sighed and said fine if they are not going to freeze. Elianna went back with Zorro and two of the boys. Ethan and Laura stayed here and cuddled in the living room and for a while I was sitting by them looking at photo albums of the birthday boy when he was a baby.

There was a picture in there of Ethan crying and me hugging him. One day he’d started crying thinking about how he would have to grow up and leave me. I was wearing a hat he made me that said World’s Greatest Mom. I remember thinking when it happened, “I need to take a picture of this”, so I did, I took a selfie of me and him. He said he thought I looked smug in the picture but what I was feeling was a mix of joy, empathy, and love.

I told Judah last night that I didn’t have any presents for him. His birthday is just close enough to Christmas that it’s hard for me to be on top of it. I needed a day to get that figured out so we planned to celebrate it tomorrow once we had time to get something together. Today we celebrated still a little by stopping by church after the Epiphany service. We’d ended up staying longer to help take down the Christmas decorations.

So then after that we went to the store. He and Dad went in and they came back with some ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. On the way home we listened to music and drove slower because of the roads. Some of them were cleared off and others still had drifts and snow. We came home and sat at the table with bowls and spoons and Dad served the ice cream. We ate supper a few hours earlier.

Laura went back with Matt and David because they live in Auburn. Laura’s mom invited me to go with them to a bridal expo/show thing in Springfield this coming weekend. There is also a women’s retreat in March we talked about going to. It’s my weekend to work but it would only be for Friday night. Dad says it’s time to start getting up like adults again tomorrow. That made me laugh. I’m just shaking my head at this silliness.

“And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief, will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again.”
~Romans 11:23~

“In this passage (Romans 8:5-11) Paul is drawing a contrast between two kinds of life.

(i) There is the life which is dominated by sinful human nature; the life whose focus and center is self; the life that is absorbed in the things that fascinate sinful human nature; the life whose only law is its own desires; the life which takes what it likes where it likes; In different people that life will be differently described. It may be passion-controlled, or lust-controlled, or pride-controlled, or ambition-controlled. It’s characteristic is its absorption in the things that human nature without Christ sets his heart upon.

(ii) There is the life that is dominated by the Spirit of God. In the man’s heart is the Spirit. As he lives in the air, he lives in Christ, never separated from Him. As he breathes in the air, and the air fills him, so Christ fills him. He has no mind of his own. Christ is his mind. He has no desires of his own; the will of Christ is his only law.”

~William Barclay, The Letter to the Romans (The Daily Study Bible Series)

“Do not present your members to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.”
~Romans 6:13~

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this book, but yesterday I read Romans 6 and today Romans 7. What’s hard for me to understand is this division of persons. We have this flesh that has been crucified and with that it’s passions and desires (Galatians 5:24). We have died with Christ and therefore been set free from sin.

And at the same time there is still this war being waged inside the Christian. I’d say war is too extreme and strong of word but that is the word I am seeing. The desire to do good is there, but in the flesh, not the ability. In the flesh lies the desire for evil, but that part is not to reign. So is the flesh, is the sin in me dead or alive?

I think they are dead, for the sinful way has died with Christ. But just as death, though conquered, still remains here on earth, still the death that’s part of me. In Christ, however, now a new man lives in me, and in that body the hope (the promise) of a world that is free from sin. Wherever the death is, in Christ, so too is the life.

It’s getting cold outside again. I tried to walk outside and lasted only a few minutes. They’re predicting anywhere between 8-11 inches of snow on Sunday which already had our church secretary sending out emails to inform the congregants of the canceled church service. It doesn’t happen very often, but I actually like when pastors cancel church for snow in these instances. Sometimes God is simply telling us to stay home.

Nature is something you don’t mess with. During group today my phone went off with a voicemail from my boss saying that she needed to talk to me about something. Boy did I give that way too much energy. Turns out she was only checking in on the people scheduled for the weekend and making sure we’d be able to come. She and the care center director are planning on staying through the weekend to be available for backup.

Josh is already planning on taking me and picking me up. I’ve still felt like moderate crap but I’ll be okay to go to work. After group I came home and changed into my pajamas after dropping off one of the boys at the neighbors. It’s one of the boys who was in his class at school. The mom when I was dropping him off said she had said to another mom that she wanted to be best friends with me. The other mom said I was so pretty.

I’d wanted to have her son over back before school started. She’d texted while we were on vacation and I said we’d try to find a time once we got back. With busyness on my end and then on hers it never happened. So I apologized for that and for not getting back to her. I finally started talking in group so now I just need to turn it into a habit or something that happens without you really even thinking or your heart pounding too.

I really like the thrive center and wish I could see my future with it. Do I ever work there? Do I walk away? Do I need to be intentionally investing more time? I like having flexibility but when you can’t commit you’re a nebulous cloud. I came home and rested for the rest of the day. Dad and the boys were working on some van repairs and Elianna managed Zorro and tuned her guitar with my phone. I’m very grateful for warm houses.

The Christmas days are winding down. I can’t imagine having a job where you have to work the day after Christmas or even the week after. Christmas seems to be the one holiday of the year where the majority of people have some semblance of respect and appreciation for rest and family. When we cross through Springfield on Christmas evening, every year it is a sight to behold where every store is dark and every lot empty.

On New Year’s it doesn’t happen. On any other holiday it doesn’t happen. Today I did some tidying underneath around the tree. The Christmas ornaments came off and I gathered up the tree skirt and piled the stockings to be washed. At some point a cat threw up under there so that’s why I’m washing it. There’s a massive pile of laundry in the laundry room as a result of the boys spending daily cleaning time in their room.

I don’t need Christmas to stay as long like I used to. But still there is that question, “How do you just go back to normal?” I love the gradualness of it all, both the leading up and the coming down. I only feel the pressure once the new year comes and it seems a little stale to have these stockings still laying around. You start to dream of meals again, something other than snacks and leftovers and whatever we’ve else been surviving on.

I like how Christmas holds both years, the one before and the one beginning. This only works if you take 12 days (if you’re going to celebrate a few you might as well celebrate all of them). But the new year, yes. I need to start checking my email again, and start showing up for some hours again. This class I’m taking was scheduled to meet four times, one in December, three in January. I didn’t go tonight so I will have to make it up.

Two days after Christmas group attendance was high. I did go for that. If I survive another year I could be done with all of this in only 12 months. I made chicken soup for supper at the request of one of the kids whose under the weather. The boys have a friend over. I’ve heard from Ethan a couple of times and even from Laura. Dad still has some time off minus the usual writing or management. Tis still the season of my heart.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”
~Psalm 103:2~

We finally had some clear skies, and with it, much colder temps. For the most part I like the climate here but the soggy, moisture ridden air with extended cloudy days can really be a drag. I was in bed most of the day again except for a walk down the beach trail and back. That was enough. For the evening we returned to my mother-in-law’s house for supper and a little more hanging out with my sister-in-law and her family.

Zorro comes with us when we go. I can’t believe how much he’s grown. Right now he’s still fitting in the kennel we bought for the raccoons. His shape is looking more defined and muscular and I would guess he’s close to having doubled in size. Why does it tug at our hearts so much when this happens? Growing up is good, being healthy is good. We had a nice time around the table and playing games.

I think the above is my chosen verse for the year. I love the lines that follow which outline for us “all his benefits”. He forgives our iniquities. He heals our diseases. He redeems our life from the pit. He crowns us with steadfast love and mercy. The words included here show us the progression of life in Christ. He forgives, he heals, redeems, and crowns. This progression is ours over the course of a lifetime and many times over.