It alternates between looking forward to the night or to the morning. I love waking up to morning coffee when I follow behind my husband to our single cup machine. This morning a cat had peed in the hallway and he said, “Hold on”, as I approached the potential slip or sock wetting hazard. Paper towels are one of those thing we need to keep a steady supply of but don’t. He had handful of napkins and covered the puddle.

I walked past him, then stopped and turned around and put my lips out for a kiss. We’ve been having more of these kisses lately, before I leave or when he does. And sometimes it’s the night I look forward to when we are finally back together. You hear of couples who can’t have their feet touching or who get too hot if they get too close. I tilt his head in the night if he wakes me up and I wake him up if I have a bad dream.

The cats have their nursery in the living room. One on the ottoman, the sofa, the loveseat, and one awake roaming with night vision eyes. “Good morning, Oreo”, I say, or Shadow, or Julie. Casper was banned once the weather turned warmer and I haven’t felt sorry enough to let him back in. If I think about him out there too much it will sadden me. But it was my wintery shower curtain two times in a row and that was too much.

Today was my grandma’s first birthday in heaven. I celebrated by working a four hour shift in her memory. It flew by because all I was doing was meds. If I can keep this job (if I don’t screw up) then I can see myself doing this forever. I can’t get over how perfect it is and how much I enjoy the atmosphere and environment. The only thing is that it can be lonely because there isn’t another nurse on the floor to hang out with.

And somewhere in me I still don’t like going, like there’s that anticipatory dread beforehand that makes me feel like I would rather stay home. I told Josh in the morning that I see things being different with the therapy job. Like that I can see actually looking forward to going and spending my day with the people. I was thinking about how I actually might not mind doing kids. Not all the time but I’d be open to seeing them.

I was looking at a website of therapy places in Chicago. There were rows and rows of female therapists with the occasional male ones. It made me wonder how I am supposed to stand out in a field that seems saturated with women and all within the same 20 year age range. I brought this up in our class tonight and asked what the odds are of finding an job. One girl said community mental health sites are always hiring.

But the catch is that the pay sucks. I finally feel like I caught a break with the lengthening out of my hours. Instead of having to do my grid four times, once for every semester of internship, they said it is optional which semester I do it. So I only have to do the presentation one more time, just as long as I do it before graduation. I told my supervisor about the video I would’ve had. She said she thinks I will get a better one.

I missed the boys. And the texts that were coming in from my family about Grandma. And the one from the friend who lost her dad and I’m trying not to be so negligent in responding. I came home and we had lunch. Dad told me about his visit and I let him have the remaining potatoes. The boys cleaned up and I took a nap, longer than normal as I was sleepy. The kids stayed with Grandma in the evening and had a wonderful time.

In the summer this would be considered cold but in the winter 40 degrees was a blissfully warm day. The boys didn’t wear coats and I only wore my sweater. We took Zorro for a walk at some point in the morning. We walked down the camp road toward the woodshed where Tim was stacking firewood. Zorro wanted to run over to him and Tim didn’t mind. They have a rougher way of playing and seem to know each other’s ways.

We walked toward the bigger hill and one said we could take Zorro down to the taps. In some kind of blast from the past I said, “I don’t think I can walk that far.” So we walked instead down to the dam and mostly crossed it. The ice had become a thicker slush across the water that would not hold rocks when the boys threw them. They found a drainage pipe where the ice had fallen out.

After internship tonight Ethan texted asking if I’d heard about the planes in Chicago that almost collided. I said that I hadn’t, wondering why there’s been so much more scary plane news lately. Their nationals team was on the plane that was landing. I was horrified to hear this and thanked God they were alright. I came home and played the videos as we were sitting down for supper. We did birthday muffins and a mylar balloon.

I thought
it was the appreciation
I needed

The accolades
from sea to sea
shining

But then you came
and crowned me
with something

Other
than what
I thought I knew

The whisper
the dream, the
promise, the hope

That we could be
more than
wasted allies

“…but with what is proper for women who profess godliness–with good works.”
~1 Timothy 2:10~

This evening Dad and the kids went to a youth group dinner in Auburn. I would’ve gone along but I stayed home instead to work on my paper. I wish I could say I got more done. Zorro slept for most of the time and when he woke up I spent some time with him. They picked up my mother-in-law on the way out and at the dinner sat with Laura’s parents. Since the youth gathering is in New Orleans it was another Mardi Gras theme.

I texted a former classmate to get the scoop on how she’s been doing. She’s ready to be done and graduates on May 9th. She’s one of the several who transferred to the online program at Colorado Christian University which she describes as fast food education. She didn’t like Lincoln either but now she realizes that they gave us a great foundation. She’s staying at her internship place and hopes to work around 20-25 hours a week.

That way she can still chase around her kids and have free time. She has two kids in college and a daughter in high school. Later I talked to Alexis about how things went for her on Thursday. She’s in charge of some kind of counseling day and was asking if I could give her a summary statement of my project. All the projects are being advertised on a poster board. I’m doing it now on something related to postpartum depression.

And then I’m going to advocate at Contact Ministries for some kind of policy. I think they need to have a way for the mothers with babies and toddlers to get breaks. They do their best but things get lost in the shuffle. I don’t know, it hasn’t completely come together in my head. The other thing I thought of is doing a class of some sort over there or at Trinity. They have a new deaconess wanting to start up a moms group.

The teacher said we’re not supposed to act like we’re the experts or that we are going in to rescue anybody. So when I asked about doing a class she was hesitant. Later I called my sister to ask about her therapy session. There is a therapist who does sessions on Sundays. I thought that was weird but I guess people do it. Then I talked to her about something else I wanted to talk about as she is one aware of my particular issues.

One of my favorite papers ever written I wrote backwards. I had a general idea for a topic, then went to the library and checked out books. I read parts of them during the baseball games then I’d come home and write something about that part. I did that with maybe 13 or so books and mixed it all around so that it started to tell a story. There were a few parts from my class discussion board posts that I also copied and pasted.

It was backwards because I didn’t know fully what I was going to write about until I wrote it. And then I came up with my thesis at the end. It made me so happy how it all came together and that I still ended up getting a good grade. But what I always go back to is the memory of my chair, the fence line, and the field. I think men need to learn more from women but I don’t think it necessarily needs to happen in open settings.

Or even written ones. Like a lot of the time I’ll read something and think, “You’re making us sound dumber by saying that.” There are exceptions where some women are super smart when they write, not to say men always are. It’s not that I think men are smarter. Heavens, that isn’t it. And it isn’t really either that I think women are dumber. But we’re only supposed to go so far and after that it’s the men meant for most public realms.

Tomorrow I’m going to have to actually to do some homework. Our project proposals are due on Monday and other than thinking about it, I haven’t started. Today I sat down and went through my calendar and remaining assignments and videos and tried to organize everything according to the weekends that I have off. This is the first of three bigger assignments I have: the proposal, a presentation, and then my grid.

I have started studying though for this CECE test in case I end up needing to take it next month. It’s offered two times a semester, except last semester they did away with the option of graduating early from the HDC (human development counseling) program. So I sent an email to my faculty advisor just to check and see if that means they still will offer the needed test in the fall. People say it’s terrible and very difficult to pass.

They say it’s because they didn’t learn anything here. I will say it’s a little weird to not have had a class so far where the teacher really teaches. At LCC the lecture with 80+ slides a night was part of nearly every class. I do not miss the being at class until 10PM but I do miss the teachers, the learning, and the closer knit classroom experiences. I’m definitely still learnings things here. The group supervision time is very helpful.

At LCC it was only 90 minutes a week and at UIS it’s 2 1/2 hours each week as a class time. This is one of those things that when it’s over I will only then realize how bogged down my mind was. Either way, I’m thankful for the low pressure when it comes to this class and am glad to know that as long as I turn something in things go smoothly. I was also looking up the various options out there for somatic therapy certifications.

If the university gets five students interested then we can get a special code to get a discounted rate for the Gottman Institute couples therapy certifications. That I would definitely want to do and it’s something you do at your own pace. Sometimes I feel sad that the church isn’t always a loving place. We are supposed to be the ones who are bringing the healing with compassion, connection, and supportive community.

Today I met with Laura’s mom for lunch. We haven’t talked in person since the changing of the wedding dates so I thought it’d be nice to get together and chat. I also thought it’d be a good chance to pray for them asking God to work out the details and preparations for marriage. They have a son who recently proposed to a woman he met online from Brazil. Last month they traveled down there to meet her and her family.

They wanted to get married August 1st. He hadn’t yet heard of Ethan and Laura’s changed plans but it did end up that they’re going to wait until at least the fall because she still has to go through the process of legally coming to the states. Her mom is also schedule to have knee replacement surgery in the summer. Both sets of parents plan on helping financially in various ways. I was glad we were thinking along the same lines.

Laura changed her major from social work to something with business. She wants to have her own business someday, like some kind of cute little coffee shop. She says Ethan can do the books. It does make you wonder with cost of living these days how young people are supposed to make it on a church worker salary. I can’t remember if I mentioned that he changed his major to secondary education with a math emphasis.

I still think it’d be great if he could get a stats position someday with the Cardinals. The relay experience last weekend went well. I had almost driven up there to watch but decided to save my trip for the season opener for outdoor in April. I think I have pretty much settled on doing internship through the fall now. I am not making the choices needed to get it done sooner and can’t imagine now 25 hours weekly in the summer.

Miles and Schneipp are over for the evening. I cleaned the dining room floor this morning which is something I enjoy doing but don’t do very often. After lunch Laura’s mom and I stopped by Ross to look at clothes. I came home and took Zorro for a walk while Josh finished the green beans. He likes to jump on guests and chase cats but we’re trying to help him not to do that. Later the boys drove to County Market for soda.

Last night before class I dropped the boys off at Grandma’s house. Wednesdays are the days she feeds the big kids supper before youth group. Those are the long days where they leave in the morning and don’t get home until after 9. But I’m glad they have a stop in between where they can shower and eat and have a break from “the outside”. I saw Elianna while dropping them off and said, “Hey, it wasn’t 13 hours this time.”

Dad picked them up. He was back into town a little before I was done. I texted the bigger kids and said they wouldn’t have to pick the boys up. Zorro was with the boys as well and my mother-in-law had brought his kennel into the mudroom instead of the garage since it was still very cold. It was designed as a place to get dirty where my father-in-law could come in from the fields with his farm boots and farm clothes.

On the way home I felt like I was going to die for some reason. Not in that instant, but in the future. I was thinking about how I did not want to die and how I wanted to use this education to help people. I thought, “What if this was the last half of my life, like these past 20ish years?” What if these were the years that I was given to serve others and those dreams I have had have already happened. I was hit with wild, rogue tears.

These thoughts of death seem to happen in times of grief or spiritual breakthroughs. It seems to me like it happens a lot. I told God I did not want this to be my destiny or constant fear. The boys asked me to read their Bible verses to them and I almost didn’t want to because they can do it themselves. I’d already read the part about how David was dying and they were trying to get it situated so that Solomon was the next king.

The verse was 1 Chronicles 28:9, “And you. Solomon, my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought.” Whenever I read about God knowing our hearts and our thoughts, it comforts me. Like, I don’t have to explain any of myself to him. He already knows, and he can, and will do with my life what he wills.

There was another cancellation today at Thrive. The guy who originally rescheduled for Valentine’s Day called that morning and cancelled. I was actually relieved because it meant I still had a little more time before I’d actually have to technologically navigate that clunky assessment. The one I was supposed to meet with today I’ve never met with but I know him. We were set up by the supervisor so I could get some individual hours.

Which was not exactly how I wanted getting those individual hours to go. The other person I’m seeing now is also from group. We didn’t meet last week because of the assessment that got cancelled. This week the supervisor is leaving for almost a week and wouldn’t be there on Friday. That man called last week and cancelled for snow is the one who cancelled today again. I was relieved to not have to leave the boys again.

I’d forgotten about this camp trip when I was filling out my schedule. Josh is gone. Lauren is gone. Schneipp who works at another Lutheran camp now is also gone. So I don’t like leaving them alone out here by themselves. Even more so with the dog who on rare occasions has had them come find me for incidents involving blood. The track phone wasn’t working so I called Ethan and asked if he could talk to them on Discord.

And if they needed something then they could text me. The Seward kids didn’t have school today because of the weather. It was -9 yesterday and they cancelled classes. Today it was -4 and they had classes. I guess that five degrees made enough difference. Last night Elianna and I download Discord on my phone and then added her and the boys as friends. It’s such a weird looking icon that now is now part of my home screen.

I was finally having enough angst about this group and cancellation Thrive stuff that I wrote an email last week expressing my thoughts, anxiety, and insecurity. So we scheduled a meeting to talk about it more which was yesterday. Jane and Kyle have been here a month and they already each have somebody real. Long story short, it isn’t me, it’s the way things have shaken out so far. If something is meant to be, it will come.

I had a wonderful session last night with a woman at Contact. I’ve been meeting with her for about four months and she is one I’ve regularly used for my videos. Last night I set up the camera, then thought, “You know what? I am not going to exploit this woman.” I was going to show her that I really cared about her and didn’t need to film anything. It was one of the best we’ve ever had and would’ve been perfect for my grid.

I told the boys I didn’t have to go in today. For school they made a schedule, trying to get out of doing work but also trying to eliminate the morning question, “What books are we doing for school today?” I was doing some journal writing when one of them asked, “What would we do if the water cycle was suddenly halted?” I said we’d pray to God and ask for mercy. It’s what they did in the days of Elijah or someone like that.

Getting a dog in the winter was an interesting decision. Nobody likes to be outside when it’s like this. The cats don’t like it. I don’t like it. Zorro can handle it for about a half hour and then he is over it too. Once I see him shiver then I have to let him back in. Dad is gone until later tonight after leaving on Sunday for his camp trip. He said next year it’s in South Carolina on the beach and if I was done with school we should go together.

I don’t enjoy when he’s gone. Frankly, it makes my life harder. We had this whole conversation before he left that was kind of making fun of the way I used to do things. “I’ll try not to be mad at you”, I said, joking but serious. And whether he was serious or not when he said he didn’t understand what there would be to be mad at for him going to work. I said it’s because you’re doing something fun without me.

While I am home struggling. And it wouldn’t even be so bad if I could come to you and complain about how much it sucked when you were gone. I would do that with any friend and we would listen to each other and say it sucks and move on talking about something else. But you’re not supposed to really say what you’re feeling when it comes to venting your frustrations. You’re supposed to say something like, “Hey, I miss you.”

But it wasn’t the pains of missing I was feeling. It was the pains of struggle and toil. But sharing that didn”t bring us closer, instead it drove between us an unbearable wedge. It’s unproductive to let him know how hard I had it while he was away. He’s completely different. I’ll be gone and things are fine and he will show no signs that anything was hard for him ever. I said we need to reverse this a little, balance this out.

I missed him last night and I told him. He said he was having dreams. They were in the middle of a chapel service and wouldn’t be done until 10PM. I opened up one of my three books that came in the mail. It’s like this study book package that is supposed to prepare you for NCE and CECE tests we have to take and pass. The hardest one you can take up to three times. If you fail it after that then you have to stay another semester.