I woke up and came into the mud room to find my middle son holding car keys and leaving the house. The image was foreign and my brain scrambled to make sense of what I was seeing and my mind sought to remember what facts and had been previously communicated to me that would explain this but that I in that moment was not remembering. The kids had a half day. The upperclassman were coming to camp.

So Elianna did not have to go to school. My son still did and was driving himself. Did he have the phone? He did. I shook my head in disbelief and put my arm around him and hugged him goodbye. “Have a good day”, is what I say when we hug. Later I asked my college son if he wanted to make plans to hang out on Friday. Sure, he said. But what you do with your 20-year old son? We could go out to eat and walk and talk for hours.

I mean that’s what I envisioned. He said it couldn’t be anywhere crazy to eat since he was going to have to run the next day. He’s used to the cafeteria food so then I thought maybe could just stay and eat there. What if we just stayed at school and ate supper like you normally do with your teammates? It would be so fun to talk to them. Would that be too weird? It completely amazes me when he says that classifies as too weird.

Sometime last week I started crying on the way to group. I remembered myself in the shower crying, when I was weaning the last one, or knew it was time to, and I could not imagine, I could. not. imagine., never having this magic again. These homeschool years, the years before, have been so completely wonderful. I cried again with Dad and Elianna at the table. “It’s weaning pains”, I said. He said it’s growing pains, that it’s good.

We were all in bed before 10. I can hear their voices from below through the ceiling. Before Dad gets too comfortable, “Can you tell them to go to bed?” He fumbles out, stomps on the floor, shouts through the vent, “Go to bed!” It cracks me up. I used to laugh at times when we were together, but sometimes now, at the same place and time, I cry. We hold. What is it, he asks. I try to say, “I want you to stay close to me.”

“…and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect…”
~Hebrews 12:23~

My sleep has been terrible the past few weeks. I will wake up and be up for three hours at a time and sometimes even longer if I just can’t fall back asleep. Laura’s mom was a the retreat and she showed me this magnesium bar that looks like deodorant. You rub it on the inside of your wrists, over your sternum, and on your feet if you want to. Her mom recommended it to her and she thinks that it works and offered to let me try it.

I slept through the entire night. So I got the product information from her and will pick some up the next time I’m in town. Laura’s mom said her mind starts to race and that’s what keeps her up. I don’t even think that’s what happens with me. I’m conscious and tired but it’s like my brain just can’t make the switch back over into shut down mode.

So then I’m sleepy and tired the next day and don’t remember much other than that I’m awake and can’t sleep. I found someone to work my Sunday evening shift so I was able to go to the annual camp banquet. In my opinion it was one of the best we’ve had. The musician was an absolute dream on the guitar (Cumulonimbus by Adam Maletich). One of our old camp friends was the speaker and it was so great to hang out and see him.

This women’s retreat was such an edifying experience for me. I’d kind of gone into it with no expectations other than to to receive or give whatever it was God had for me. the first question of the night we were to pair up with a partner and share with them what we were wrestling with. I asked the speaker how long we had because when women get talking we can really get talking and I need to know how much time we had.

She said how about 7ish minutes. So I listened to the woman who was sitting beside me and she was wrestling with things she’s been wrestling with for years. We have a history and know each other’s more private struggles. I spoke to this woman who knows my past and I believe her response was a word from God to me. I felt wowed and at peace.

God really does speak to us through his people. As I listened to the speaker I had the thought that the place we struggle(d) most with feeling so unappreciated is the same exact thing where we are most exceptionally gifted. God does this for two reasons 1) to humble us, and 2) to free us. To free us to love wildly without expectation. Because the joy came not in what others saw in or from us, but because Christ was shown there.

I feel like I need to take a mental health break from thinking about all of these internship things. I walked away from Thrive this morning feeling like the dust just needed to settle over the weekend. I had met with Jane before group a little early to see if she’d be interested in possibly helping with this group book. We didn’t have too much of a chance to look at it before he came in and listed all of the call-offs.

So there was just one person in group today. I watched and listened. It was actually a good session and I wish this particular person could find peace. We went upstairs and processed group in the office before going back down where Jane was pulling up one of her client videos in the group room. I thanked her for coming in early and left.

The weather is great for an end of March day. Ethan had a track which we were a heat late in watching. I just completely forgot until I remembered. He wasn’t disappointed with his time but everyone’s times were slower today. He said the wind was brutal like the Williamsville track meet senior year if I remembered. I sure did. The big kids were done with school early. Tonight there is a ladies retreat next door.

Elianna has been training Zorro how to not bust down the baby gates to the living room. She opens the gate and tells him to sit and he stays there. This evening he was at the edge of the dining room looking into the living room where three cats were just sitting there. Everybody was perfectly calm and civil and nobody scratched or chased anybody.

She really is great with him. I must give the boys their credit too because they play with him and feed him and take him for walks throughout the day. He has a little outside space where he still is content to hangout during down times. I really cannot believe how smooth the transition has been with him being here. It’s been nice to have a dog.

Earlier in the morning I typed out the list with the address for Laura. I figured it was the least I could do. It has not escaped my mind that I still have a kid who is getting married married in less than four and a half months. They two of them both seem to think that’s a lifetime but I can’t help be mind blown that this is coming so fast and incredibly soon.

Alexis and I kept in touch through the day. Both of us are just feeling like crud about this. She only has less than ten direct hours left and then she was planning on just sitting in the side room for the rest of the semester until she’s done with her hours. From 1-4 this afternoon I was at Thrive sitting on the couch in the downstairs room.

It’s like he showed me this book stuff and keeps saying there are things to do at the front desk but I still just need to get this crap done for school. I said I was just going to be come in and sit in the side room and do homework. He passed by the room at least six different times going up and down the stairs and never once came in or said hi.

And I didn’t either because I wasn’t going to. He had to know I was there because I was typing and playing my Healing music. His client left before the hour and I was out right at 4. This isn’t the way I want to do things, like I want to be helping and contributing. I feel bad I don’t feel like I’m computerish enough to understand or do what he’s asking.

I’ve been having these terrible thoughts like Thrive is the next place I have to leave. I wanted to bail so bad yesterday. I said I would come into group if he didn’t show up but I couldn’t go in there. It ended up getting done almost an hour and a half early and I sat in the side room with another student. He seems like a grounded and kind young man.

Like I keep holding out thinking I just need more time. Time for whatever this angst is to finally settle and leave me be. Time for more positive experiences than negative ones. I’ll feel okay for awhile and then not okay again when I’ve not been able to progress in either confidence or skills. The thought of starting another site again feels too daunting.

I quit my Contact site this afternoon. After getting back from Thrive where there was yet another cancellation, I opened the computer and wrote an email to the faculty supervisors who deal with the site placements. I didn’t feel like it was my place to go into great detail, but by the time it was all said and done I concluded by saying that I would not recommend it as a site to other students or for the school to keep using.

My head has been so wrapped up in this I’ve hardly thought or written about anything else. I’m not even overthinking or wondering if I was rash or have made a big mistake by leaving. It was a just a hard no and I am not looking back. There is an image of a woman that is etched in my mind. Last night I walked up to the door and she was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. I sat down in the chair across from her and we spoke.

I feel like I was given a good conclusion there. The other site has its own frustrations and things I am dealing with. I couldn’t even bring myself to get up from my chair when the person I was supposed to meet with did not show up. It’s like this horrible feeling of I don’t even know. I’m not even overthinking this either. It’s like that part of my brain has shut off and I’m not trying to understand or unpack it. This is just what presently is.

“Good and upright is this LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.”
~Psalm 25:8~

I’m officially at the halfway point with internship hours. Today I had a Zoom meeting with my faculty supervisor. I showed a video of one the moms and her baby who is one of the women I’ve been showing. It was neat because this time I had asked her if she would be okay to be on camera. I’ve wanted to respect people’s privacy and not have added barriers of discomfort, but there is something to being able to see the person.

So she said yes which made me happy. My faculty supervisor is from China and is about six years younger than me. She isn’t married and has no kids and is a very sweet person. She gave me some feedback about how I could possibly go in a direction that would help one of my videos meet the multicultural awareness requirement. Sometime before we graduate we have to show a video that shows multicultural awareness.

Before that I’d been at the Thrive Center for a meeting with the supervisor there. The conversation with Alexis on Thursday had prompted me to say to him on Friday that there was a chance I would be needing to leave my other site sooner than I thought and I was trying to figure what that meant for getting hours there. So he was going to show me the training handbook and the group therapy binder he wants redone.

Somewhere in all of this he out of nowhere says to me, “So do you want to have an awkward conversation?” I say out of nowhere but in my head I’m thinking, “Oh my gosh, is this the answer?” I think I said, “okay”. The not getting individual hours has been causing me so much angst, I’ve been sad and just overall confused and anxious. Like why am I putting up with this? He said, “I feel like you don’t know what to do with me.”

I had prayed the day before for God to give me discernment, for him to make it crystal clear how I am supposed to be seeing this. I somehow go into clumsy counselor mode with his statement. “What is it that is making you feel this way?” and somewhere else, “Can you explain what you mean?” I’m shocked by what he’s saying and would’ve never known if he hadn’t said it. “It’s like you don’t trust me somehow”, he said, which I don’t.

Today was a pretty good day. We went to church with only two cars this time. For the past while now we’ve been taking three. Dad goes in and then needs a car to stay late for Confirmation. The kids drive a car so they don’t have to stay the extra hour after Bible class waiting for Dad. I drive a car because I don’t usually stay for Bible class.

But today the kids and I drove together before I could think about us driving separately. By the time I remembered we were already halfway down the road and there was no sense in turning back. It ended up working out because the other pastor’s wife was there so I figured I could talk to her since we hadn’t talked since everything happened.

So that was nice to catch up with her. After church we all had a chill day at home. Dad and I took a nap and the kids ate leftovers from their dinner last night with Grandma. I worked on some homework so I can finally get it out of my head and be done with it. I called Mom tonight and talked to her and Dad for over an hour so that was nice.

This was a fun night. Danny, Tim, and their mom came over for birthday dessert time. Danny and Tim are former campers who used to come to joyful hearts week. Their mom is a Methodist minister who still takes care of her sons even though they are in their 50’s and 40’s now. For the past several years we’ve been getting together in March because Danny shares a birthday with one of the boys. He invited himself over.

I’m so glad we didn’t do supper because I was not in a place to make it. Josh and the kids went out with Grandma and I stayed home and stayed in bed. It was combination of depression and being up since 2:45. I laid there for almost two hours and then decided to get up and clean. I was going to start purging more homeschooling books in the basement but I ended up in the kitchen washing down the cupboards instead.

My grandma had another memorial service today in New York. Dad and the boys were out with some helpers doing a controlled burn on the new property. That took most of their day and even though it was time-consuming I think they enjoyed it. Elianna took care of Zorro and made a meal plan for the week, a grocery list, and then grocery shopping. I have no idea how she can just do those things and make it seem so easy.

I was again amazed at the life of my grandparents. They held the service in the church that I’m still in love with and that they helped plant. I am not the only one who feels this away about this church, even though people have spread their wings and migrated to other churches and places. The mentoring gifts of my grandparents are completely other-worldly. They made humble, grateful, Bible-believing, deeply changed disciples.

Like how cool is that? I didn’t mean what I said about the therapy garbage. Basically I’d been talking with my sister about how there comes this point where the things that helped you before, those supports you needed, are just not needed anymore. I’m ready to share what I’ve learned and been given, not just keep consuming the same old things for myself. They say in sobriety world that in order to keep it you have to give it away.

I think I’m finally figuring out what the pattern is with the teenagers that translates into things hurting my feelings. I’m around them enough and am just going through life enough and start to feel like these are really neat people and I want to spend time with them more and act in the ways I would with any other person or people I liked.

Inside it’s like this, “Yay, people! People are fun! I like people!” I would call it golden retriever energy but for others I’m sure they’d call it annoying. Because that’s exactly the vibe I get when I come into the “Yay, people!” side of me and no sooner has it come out then it is shunned in some way. Oh I know. I’m just being dramatic again.

Sigh. I’m starting to think this too shall pass and is yet too another one of those things. I went through Instagram today and deleted like 30 of my follows. Between group, my own head, our class discussions, and whatever I get around to reading these days, I just can’t anymore with the psychology/relationship/trauma/crappy childhood accounts.

Like, everyone just needs to go outside and touch grass. My Thrive supervisor says he tells people all the time that if your therapist doesn’t have their own therapist, they need to find a new therapist. He’s going to have to have deal with it because I’m done with all of this therapy garbage. I wish I could bring them all out here for a fun day.

After getting home from group I watched Zorro for the afternoon while Dad took the kids to a matinee show. There’s a new Captain America movie out. I stayed in bed most of the afternoon and evening. I called my sister who envies me sometimes because I hardly have to do anything with the dog. With the other ones I’ll be a different parent.