I feel like I’m currently back in a “life sucks and is hard” mindset. Yesterday we had the memorial service for my grandma. We left around 7 for the three hour trip north. It was nice to have the kids home and able to come. Zorro came with for his first bigger trip since the time he was picked up. I don’t have much to compare it to be to me he seems like a good dog and that he was really enjoying the ride and different activities.

I sometimes find it painful still to be around my family. As much as I love when we get together, I feel like we’re reaching this different state where the individual families are becoming more solid and set in their ways. I don’t mean stubborn. I mean set in the ways and paths that God has for them and those paths are crossing now less and less. My parents are the set of grandparents now but we will be there before too long.

Or could be anyways. And there are still those insecurities that arise from old wounds from the past that are still filling in. In group it is talked about this way: you could’ve been loved and cared for, AND there were likely still ways that your primary caregivers could not show up and meet needs, sometimes deep ones. It seems to happen this way with spouses as well, where you are loved still and yet some terrible hole remains.

They swear that this is the way that it is. I think I would almost believe it. Admittedly I doubt when I read posts from this younger millennial woman in her early to mid 30’s. She divorced her husband last spring after years of being unhappy. She’s now dating a firefighter and keeps posting things about how happy she is with her new guy, that it really was just a matter of finding someone more compatible who truly adores you.

This isn’t even about my family or my marriage or whatever else to which we pin our longings and desires. I tried to say this a few weeks ago but it was too much to go into. But we were talking in group about the egoic mind. The lower self takes its wants and attaches them to lower people, places, and things. Those desires can lead to more pain when we keep seeking after the same things that do not satisfy because they can’t.