“…but on the other hand, a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God.”
~Hebrews 7:19~

“Dear God, help me to to be satisfied”, I prayed in the morning. Last night while I was sitting in church my mind started wandering to all the wrong places. Must be nice to have a stroke and get a free pass out of Lent (God, I’m sorry). They were going to need help once he was out of the hospital. Someone to sit with him when his wife wasn’t there. Meals would also be nice.

God, please, this is not me asking for some divine retribution in order to purge me of sin and humble me with your tragedies. I don’t need to be blown away as your people show up magnificently in the face of the heartbreak. But can I just say that it hurt that I was alone for so much, that no one really knew the true depth and the pain I had.

Was I on the prayer list at all? Not that I saw. But was there that lady who texted me almost every single day? Was there that one who brought over five meals early on? Was there the collection of cards from the women’s group after I’d not been in church for several months? I texted the food lady this morning and thanked her. It was a sign to me that yes, someone did really care.

I’m trying to think if there are any exceptions, but besides certain people in my immediate family, anyone I have ever even attempted to let into the darkness of my mind and certain painful experiences has either not understood or ended up distancing themselves in some way. Even if they helped me, the relationship was changed.

But not always for the worst. No, I don’t want a stroke, I want a cleansing of the mind, a divine reworking so that, frankly, I do not become pissed when I remember the past. I want the church to be healing place that people recommend to others, and if at all possible, I want to be a person who helps to make it that way. The satisfaction is in the Savior who took away all our sins.