“The elder to the beloved Gauis, whom I love in truth.”
~3 John1~

The good news is that I finished my grid. The news that I was much less happy about is when I handed my teacher the packet full of all the required parts, she showed me the grading checklist and said she actually didn’t need this part since I was only doing it for practice. The look on my face had to have been something like, “Uhhhh, excuse me???” I didn’t just spent the last two days working to get this done for it to only be practice.

There was some verbal exchange for clarification, in front of the class, where I am calculating now what will have to be redone. A new video. A new critique form. A new multiple page case summary. She said she thought she knew it was practice because I’d also said that I’d do it in the summer. She thought it be nice for the new, non-graduating students to see. I said I’d be happy to show it to them as an example.

But ultimately, if I could, I wanted to get the thing done and out of the way. That was a previous conversation we’d had, along with another where she had told me she’d gone to the faculty and asked about what the situation was with me and my grid. Long story short there was a misunderstanding and I have to do my final grid in the semester that I am graduating. I had thought that if I did it now then it’d be one less thing to do later.

It’s times like this that make me question my own mind. I was so sure this is what she’d said yet I had spent the whole past week with my actions dictated by a false understanding. To be fair, it was not my best work, and having a great presentation was not the goal I had for this grid. It was to check the box and get it done. It was to come out of my shell a little more and let the girls in my class see another part of my life.

I’d cut a corner on the reference page. Have I already said that I went ahead and just showed it? I came to the part about my grandma’s description of how she talked about her five different lives that were broken up in twenty year increments. I told the class that the part I was focusing on had mostly to do with my second set of 20 years, my second life. Almost immediately there was the voice to add, “Well that’s presumptuous.”

But I kept going. I felt good while I was doing, like it was resonating and making sense. I love my feminist RCT theory. But then the feedback wasn’t even great, and I’d wondered somehow if I’d made them uncomfortable, if it that moment of finding out the truth that the frustrated, angry eye look had leaked too much from my face. The first two sections, they unanimously agreed, seemed instead to be purely educational.

It was missing me in those parts. This was actually something I’d prided myself on and thought I was doing right and better. I would actually get slightly annoyed and judgy every time I saw the presentation words “I believe…”. Like, this wasn’t about what you believe, it’s about teaching us about the theory and showing you actually understand it. So now I’m already thinking about how I’m going to fix and make it better for next time.

I’ll feel like I’ve kicked this part of me out, then something happens and it’s obvious, “Oh. You’re still there”. The pride that I want nothing to do with. The cockiness and arrogance that isolates others and blinds me with a smug satisfaction when I think I’ve got the advantage. I would’ve been happy with a 3, “Proficient”. But now I’m going to go to my professor and say I’m settling for nothing less. I’m getting the 4, the “Exemplary”.

“I thought you said you slept well last night”, he said, peeking in the bedroom door while taking a break from the mowing. “I did”, I said back, “but I’m completely depleted.” We said nothing more as he continued into the bathroom and I turned back over in my cocoon of blankets. I worked a nine hour shift on Sunday and was home by 8PM.

The day before I’d worked the evening shift. All of that combined with the care of Zorro plus the track meet had sent to the place where I am tingling all over. It’s the weirdest thing and I can’t describe it. It’s like my body is holding a charge but somehow needs to release it, and does with this shaking and twitching in my shoulders, hips, and legs.

The chiropractor used to try and pull some of it out–the energy. He never made me weird when I told him these things. Zorro is doing better and I don’t mean care of him physically, rather the stress of this giant animal being impaired and the worry. He wants to act like he’s normal but we’re supposed to be discouraging much use of his leg.

So I am glad he’s feeling better. I rested for a couple of hours until it was time to go into Thrive. I have one new client who I’ve been seeing a few weeks. The other person I saw is currently struggling with a cocaine addiction and did not show up today to finish her assessment. I had my doubts when she was jittery and had previously cancelled twice.

I want to just tell him that I’m staying for good. Unless there is some major thing I’m not seeing this feels like the place where I am wanting to learn from. I don’t get the client thing, not after hearing so many stories of all these waiting lists and this supposed mental health crisis. I thought people would be like lining up in droves to be counseled.

Alexis landed a position at a private practice in town. They supposedly have this wait list where she gets to go through it and call people and set up appointments. I told my supervisor about this waitlist and asked him if we could somehow network with them to get them to send clients here. Kyle’s two people stopped coming and he’s 2 hours short.

He said the woman who owns that business used to work here and stole his name. I tell you, you stay at a place long enough and you learn all kinds of crazy things. Nothing happened with the chiropractor, I just outgrew the appointments both in need and in cost. You pay $110 for hopefully ten minutes of his time. It was technically 12 but still.

I want to do bodywork in my office, with a yoga ball in the corner, and a dream catcher dangling from the ceiling. The boys told me on the way to Nebraska I was going too far with the YouTube chakra sound frequencies. When you’re desperate you truly will try anything and I don’t know if I believe them. It’s what I listened to and played for hours.

I was reminded from a post on Instagram that Laura had a bridal shower in Texas. She had her college friends there, plus her grandmother and mother and sister and aunts and local cousins. It was one of those humanizing moments where you see something and somewhere in you’re mind it registers that “Oh my gosh, you’re a real person.”

Like this is actually happening. I admit to being so wrapped up in my own mind at times that I completely forget about things like my future daughter-in-law having a shower. Someone gave her a pillow with her future last name and an s that said “Est. 2025”. In the same picture she wore a baby blue baseball cap that said Mrs. her future last name.

So that was…cute?…I don’t know. Her mom and I are supposed to get together when she gets back and I told her once the semester is over I will have more time. We haven’t finalized rehearsal dinner plans yet but I was thinking we should probably figure that out. I think we’re doing it at camp. The basement too is still waiting for me to change it.

The kids had a track meet in Riverton this evening. Dad stayed home to be with Zorro and the kids and I left around 4:30 to be there by 5. This is one of their bigger meets of the year and so it takes longer than most of the other meets. I’ve never been to this particular meet. It was always on a Friday night, after a longer week, and too late to be out with having to stay for the later races. All of those senior 4×4 relays I never saw.

I had a pretty productive day as far as homework goes. I’m still down about something, and was quiet the entire drive to the meet. The thoughts would not quiet, “See? You’re letting the past infect the present. You could be making wonderful memories with the kids right now in the car.” But your desires for vengeance, for someone to know you, for your homeschooling capacities to have been greater in later years, it’s all with me.

I texted Josh when we arrived, when the lady had not made us pay the entry fee for parking, and said, “Maybe I just needed a little fresh air and sunshine.” It doesn’t hurt, and we walked the fence line to the bigger stands, and I temporarily felt better there adrift in the crowd. One of the boys and I took a stretch break and walked around to the other side. We made our predictions on the boys 3200M and both ended up wrong.

The kids did well and PR’d again. At some point, I told them, it isn’t always going to go this way. But we’ll take the good times when they’re here and celebrate in their successes. “Is that your boy?”, a dad asked me, when I was down by the finish line cheering for the finishing 1st place 400 runner. “No”, I said, smiling. That boy beat my boy, when my son was a senior and he was a freshman. He won the 2023 sectional 800M

in a major upset when my senior boy was seeded to win having obsessed for months and months to make that a reality. I’m learning to love my love/need for a healthy obsession. I still like watching these Auburn boys, the ones who are left that I remember and remind me of the one far away who I could barely watch. He too at times still follows their events and their times. We drove home around 9 with much more talking.

I went for a walk this evening and one of the camp cooks drove by and stopped. Josh and the boys had gone down for supper and I was home typing on an assignment due Monday. Sometimes I will have him text me what the meal is and then decide whether or not I want any. Tonight it was chicken, green beans, au gratin potatoes, and salad. I was like, “Yum. Please bring some home.”

So he came home with this foil pan with three takeout containers, one for me and another for the bigger kids who would soon be home from practice. I went out on this walk thinking I need to keep moving, start moving, do something. This cook woman rolled down her window and after the friendly greetings she said, “You’ve lost weight!” I looked at her confused knowing I definitely had not.

She held up her hands to her cheeks and neck area, “Right around here.” She said it like it was an exciting thing to celebrate, unlike the church woman in the past who would tell me I was too skinny. I mean, I don’t fault any of these people, it’s just strange at times to have people make comments like this.

I am healed enough to exercise. It is actually doing me more harm now to not. My problem at the moment is lack of will and motivation to do any of the things I need to do. This evening I thought, “I need to pray about this, like deeply pray”, but I did not pray or ask God for deliverance. I did no more homework.

I’m going to pray tomorrow that I can truly be productive, and trust that God will hear my prayer and not answer me in some strange way. Do I want to look nice for my son’s wedding? There is a little bit of that. But mostly I just want to be myself, the version of me that cares and tries for whatever reason.

“…but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him.”
~1 John 5:18~

I’m really enjoying watching the leaves come back to the trees this year. It’s like I have a new favorite color that I’ve never appreciated. It’s the lighter green of the baby leaves. We’ve had several more clear and decent weather days in a row, and when this happens it creates a longing that maybe, maybe warmth can be believed. An Outdoor Ed group is currently here and seeing them, breathing in spring, made me miss the lake.

Zorro is home and in the post-op phase now. Taking cats there all these years I have learned which vet I would be glad to submit my pet to and it was the one who owns the business and is the oldest and most experienced. I didn’t know he also did surgeries but I was glad that he did. We brought him in at 7:15 and picked him up at 5:30. We had to carry him into the house with a blanket because he wouldn’t move and couldn’t much.

Earlier in the day I had a meeting with some teachers. It sounds like they’re going to pause their partnership with Contact. I still feel numb about everything that happened but I think it’s for the best now to not end up going back. I did not get my grid done to be presented tonight. If by some fluke in productivity I can get the power point finished, I’m going to still try to do it next week and if not then I will just do it over the summer.

Zorro and I got stuck outside this evening. He hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a while so I took him outside to see if he’d go. Usually he goes out the back but he wasn’t following me to out that way. So I opened the front door and he came right too me and we walked outside, me thinking we’d just go through the garage to the back. I didn’t put his leash on because I didn’t think I’d need to if we were just walking around to the back.

He hobbles. He wasn’t interested in the garage he wanted to go toward the grass and so he hobbled over there and sat down by the picnic table. I thought, okay, I’ll let you play here for a while since you’ve been cooped up inside. It seemed to him a welcome change from being depressed in the mud room. They said to limit his activity but he’s pretty much done that on his own. He has a cast on right now to immobilize his leg.

He sat in the grass and sniffed the dirt. After a while I wanted to go back inside. I said some like, “Ok, Zorro, time to go in” and he looked at me just sitting there like, “Ok and, why would I listen to you again?” He started hobbling toward the sunset and I was like “Oh geez, I need his leash”. He couldn’t move fast or go too far so I went inside and got his leash and walked toward him where he’d laid down and prayed he wouldn’t bite me.

He didn’t. But then he became obsessed with this particular patch of grass. I tugged on his leash and was like, “Come, Zorro. Time to go in.” I was talking in my baby voice but then tried a different voice because I read somewhere that with these dogs you’re supposed to be firm and in charge. But that didn’t work either and from my perspective he refused to move. Dad and the kids were at the conference track meet in Pawnee.

I think I was out there for probably a half hour. I start to get frustrated in times like this when I feel a creature is ruling me. There were these mushroom hunter guys around camp and Zorro would get focused on who he saw and barked once. I’m just standing out in this field holding a leash and trying to tug on a dog that won’t move. In my pride I did not want to call Josh and tell him but my desire for company is typically stronger.

By this time it was getting dark. I eventually decided to go inside and get some food and I was going to shake it and hopefully pique his interest to move toward that. I just left him out there while I went inside knowing that he couldn’t get too far since he’s crippled (sad face). Miraculously he moved with the food and we hobbled briskly toward the house. He paused in the driveway and his collar came off but he still just came inside.

Thank goodness. I’d already fed him supper but I gave him some more food since I had lured him with it. He never went to the bathroom but when he finished his food he hobbled over to the door that leads to the room where his bed is. He went inside his kennel and laid down in it. I hadn’t expected him to be going to bed that early but it was about around his usual bedtime. I feel like I didn’t really want the day to be over.

Zorro broke his left hind leg. I guess what happened is Elianna and Miles had taken Zorro out for a walk. While they were down around the basketball court at main camp, Zorro jumped on Miles like he does sometimes with people. He was on his leash and Elianna pulled back on his leash. When she did that he slipped because the ground was still slightly went from the rain. There are wooden railroad ties that line the court.

So when he fell he landed on the railroad tie which was what probably broke his leg. It’s some kind of spiral fracture in his tibia that is going to need plates, a few screws, and a pin. On more than one occasion I have looked at the dog’s legs and noticed how intricate and fragile they seem to be. Like, that would be terrible to have one break and what would they even do to fix it? So I’m praying his surgery goes well and he recovers.

It’s scheduled to happen Wednesday and then he stays there overnight. They don’t even staff the facility overnight but apparently he’ll be so drugged up he won’t notice. I started having images of this beautiful powerful dog running around in the athletic field and it made me cry because he’s such a good dog. The whole seeing him in all of his grand, majestic finery and wondering why this is having to happen. It really stinks.

Our weekend visit out to Nebraska went well. The boys and I left around six in the morning and we stopped at McDonalds to get some food to start the trip. I really am pretty grossed out by McDonalds but something about a road trip with the sun still rising makes me able to see it in a more nostalgic light, where it’s not so much the food but rather the memories being made with it. The boys convinced me to just get a meal.

And it was good. Ethan had another PR in his race and 15 minutes later we were back on the road. I don’t really spend much time with him when he’s home. I’m hoping if there are ever grandkids I will have more of a purpose there. The camp kids hung around camp on Saturday and on Sunday we enjoyed a meal at Janet’s after services. It’s hard to put into words but it’s just continuing on in the course God has marked out.

The kids and I went to the early service together. There were more people than expected so by the time we arrived the elders said they were out of bulletins. I thought that was kind of a nice surprise and we sat down and had church to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. After church I went over and said hi to the man who calls me slim because I hadn’t talked to him in quite a while. He said he thought he’d done something wrong.

And I come in just a little bit late every time, and lately he’s been the ride for another man who wasn’t there this time. I told him he hadn’t done anything I’m just anti-social in church sometimes, plus the things that he mentioned. I updated him about school and I said he really does need to come and see me when I’m done and I would talk to my boss so that he wouldn’t have to pay anything. He said I will have to give him a card.

I said that I will, but thinking about it more he probably could start even sooner than that. His wife doesn’t let him out much since she’s started having health problems because she doesn’t like to be left alone. He said he doesn’t get lonely because he has his puzzles and cats. He said but how are you doing personally, are you happy? I said I was. I just can’t believe we hadn’t talked in that long and I should’ve said hello sooner.

We thought we better head into the breakfast. The kids had already got their food and Dad was waiting in the back. We went through the line and a man said, “Are you eating? I have never seen you eat”. I thought it was weird that he said that because I at times try to get food so that people see that I eat. I had two pieces of casserole, a banana muffin, and some fruit. I wasn’t super hungry but enjoyed the table time with Dad and the kids.

We had to get home after that. Zorro hurt his leg yesterday when he jumped up on Miles. Somehow he ended up slipping and landing on his leg wrong and hasn’t moved much since the morning when this happened. It’s been kind of difficult to watch him be miserable but I’ve been powerless to get him looked at any sooner than tomorrow. I tend to shut down in these situations. Last night I told him Jesus loved him very much.

Don’t stare at me
I’ll break your mask
and your stutter
Hold me instead
watch me die here
to join every angel
cast into the gloom