Ethan texted and asked if I was going to Judah’s track meet. I’d been in bed for a while, having fallen asleep and then was slowly waking up. Yes, I said, and then he asked if I could Facetime for the races. It warms my heart to have him still be taking interest in his brother and I am thankful they have the connection of running. Sure, I said, but I don’t know what time the races are. Did he happen do know when the meet started?

It started at 4:30. I looked the clock that said 3:37. Shoot, we need to get out of here, I texted immediately back to him. Within five minutes the boys and I were on the road with an hour drive ahead of us and a 4×8 relay that was first. I’ll spare the drawn out story, but we made it with literally a minute to spare before the race started. I let the boys out, found a near parking spot, and was down at the track to see the whole race.

The girls run first which gave us just enough more time. They had the 4×1, and then the distance medley which he also was in. During one of the Facetimes I got to say hi to many of the teammates from Concordia. Who am I saying hi to, I asked, knowing I would know most of their faces even if I didn’t know voices. He said it was a lot of the ones in his class and I didn’t push it any further. The boys and I drove back home.

Dad was in Carlinville with Elianna. There aren’t enough girls on the track team to have a relay, so the two girls who run were signed up for another meet. We’d considered trying to make it for Elianna’s later race but it would’ve taken us over an hour and 70 miles with little chance we would make it. We were each just going to do our own thing for supper. The boys bought pizza from Dominos and I found a salad at County Market.

On the way home from the meet we passed the Riverton exit. They’re having this trauma retreat this weekend and originally Elianna and I were supposed to go for the Friday night film showing. This was before we knew that there were going to be two meets. I can remember in high school wanting to hang out with the partiers. I would be such a fun drunk, I thought, and it would be fun to just let my wild side have a place.

It’s kind of crazy how it’s different now, how I still want to be hanging out with these people but now it’s more like, “I would be such a good therapist. Just let me in. Just let me in.” But why am I thinking that? Why am I feeling such a longing to connect there? Why must every road be paved with so much want and self-denial? I want to be with these people and heal their souls and read their minds and leave it be when I can’t.

It will pain me at times. On the way home the boys were playing songs from my phone. When one of the songs was almost over I said, “Okay, play Something Just Like This by Coldplay”. He only heard the first part and started playing Pumped Up Kicks. I said this wasn’t what I requested, but didn’t mind because I liked the song. He said, “Oh I thought you meant something just like this as in a similar kind of song.” He’s so funny.