I went for a walk this evening and one of the camp cooks drove by and stopped. Josh and the boys had gone down for supper and I was home typing on an assignment due Monday. Sometimes I will have him text me what the meal is and then decide whether or not I want any. Tonight it was chicken, green beans, au gratin potatoes, and salad. I was like, “Yum. Please bring some home.”

So he came home with this foil pan with three takeout containers, one for me and another for the bigger kids who would soon be home from practice. I went out on this walk thinking I need to keep moving, start moving, do something. This cook woman rolled down her window and after the friendly greetings she said, “You’ve lost weight!” I looked at her confused knowing I definitely had not.

She held up her hands to her cheeks and neck area, “Right around here.” She said it like it was an exciting thing to celebrate, unlike the church woman in the past who would tell me I was too skinny. I mean, I don’t fault any of these people, it’s just strange at times to have people make comments like this.

I am healed enough to exercise. It is actually doing me more harm now to not. My problem at the moment is lack of will and motivation to do any of the things I need to do. This evening I thought, “I need to pray about this, like deeply pray”, but I did not pray or ask God for deliverance. I did no more homework.

I’m going to pray tomorrow that I can truly be productive, and trust that God will hear my prayer and not answer me in some strange way. Do I want to look nice for my son’s wedding? There is a little bit of that. But mostly I just want to be myself, the version of me that cares and tries for whatever reason.