It was another disappointing moment at Thrive when the rescheduled assessment from yesterday did not show up (eyeroll). They really need to figure out a way to vet the calls more to find out how serious these people are about coming. One of the things I don’t like when I think about working there is that you basically would be just operating on your own. There isn’t much socialization between the staff members because if you’re there it’s because you have clients to see.

Some guy came to the door and asked for some water, so there was that. He was dressed in black and said he was looking for a place on 11th St. which supposedly deals with sexual abuse. Before he asked for some water he asked if I could point him in the right direction since he tends to get a little lost, and to me seemed either very very shy or not all there. I only knew where 11th St. was because that’s the same street I turn on to get to where Contact is. He started walking.

And I left after that. The kids had a track meet in PORTA this evening and I stayed in bed and slept until we had to go to that. I’m supposed to drive out to pick up Ethan tomorrow, stay for his track race, and then drive home. The boys are coming with me and now my other son is coming so that will nice to have a few more drivers because I seriously wasn’t sure how I was going to stay awake. I will wake up more once I start moving and will just have to keep busy.

The track meet went well. The kids are doing well in their races and have been happy with their times and improvements. Dad left the meet early to be ready for church tonight, which most of the rest of us joined him for after the races when we left mid-meet. I dropped the kids off and then Zorro and I headed back to the house. I took him for a walk to the indoor chapel but didn’t want to go too far down the road. He kept looking into the woods like something was there.

He was easy to walk though. It’s really amazing how he listens. We came back home and he wanted to go back to his outside place in the yard. I called a woman back I’ve been playing phone tag with about possibly getting some hours with an Art Express program for people with memory loss. I keep doing this where I think I need to add new things. The meeting with my Contact supervisor went well but I’m still not sure what’s going to end up happening there. A good day overall.

“You aren’t falling in love with your Thrive guy are you?”, he came in and asked as he sat down next to me. It has felt like an incredibly long past couple of days, and I don’t even feel like there’s a good reason why. Something about this time of year just drains me, and I don’t know if it’s the change in weather or the increase of activity out in the cold. I did not go to class tonight because I was so sleepy and tired I could not stay awake.

I don’t remember what I said. But I’ve been dressing up, and putting on makeup, and spraying my hair with my handpicked scent of “Empowered and Confident”. You were there almost the whole day, he said. We had group for the full three hours this morning, then a half-hour of supervision, then some down time before I had two back-to-back new patient assessments. I was grateful when the 3PM rescheduled for tomorrow.

But no, I am not falling in love with him. Do I still think maybe that this is the perfect place to work and that he’s somewhat of a unicorn in terms of his mixture of practices and beliefs? I do think that, but am also totally open for that to not be the case. It kind of hit me in the middle of the assessment this afternoon, that this person is here expecting something, and that expectation is for me to be able to help them somehow.

The whole thing kind of freaked me out, and reminded me of the importance of seeking God with each person. The feedback I get in my student evaluations has consistently been that of leaning into the moment more intuitively with what I’ve learned and what I already know. I felt today when I was listening to this client, “What do I do with this? Where do I go from here?”, once the computerized questions were over (thank God).

And he expected me to know the answer to that. To say it broke my heart is perhaps too extreme, but it did something to the inside of me that touched, humbled, and gave me that I want to cry right now feeling. I feel like seeing people like this is its own kind of exercise I will have to get used to. It was harder than I thought, but still enjoyable enough to look forward to the next time. Believing in those, I’m sure, will get easier too.

“…not for shameful gain, but eagerly…”
~1 Peter 5:2~

Ethan and Laura are looking for a place to live. The plan was to wait until April when the apartment complex people said to call back. Dad encouraged Ethan that he really should be taking this on as his project, since he is living in the town and Laura is busy with school, work, and many wedding plans. I’m not sure what it is with the men, where it seems like you need to nudge them more. Not with everything, just certain things.

Dad got a call this morning from a church member saying that another church member had been on hospice for two months. The staff at the facility where she was at had said she likely did not have much time left. He didn’t even know at first who this person was, but when he looked them up in the old directory he remembered. He left very soon to visit with this woman who was alone in her room until the roommate came back in.

They went through the Commendation of the Dying. He’d been home again about an hour when he told me her husband called and said they must’ve just missed each other and that the lady has passed. The husband was sitting with her when it seemed to him she’d stopped breathing. He went and got the nurse and it was confirmed that yes, she’d died. Josh said he promised if I was ever on hospice, he’d be there by my side.

I said would you be able to handle me being mad at you for getting to live instead of me? He laughed and said something about not being excited to go see Jesus. It couldn’t be ruined by us getting in a fight, not that close to the very end. But if I died suddenly then it wouldn’t matter. Later I was back in bed crying, only momentarily, saying to him “I just want to die! I’m tired of this life!”, with all it’s stupidities and ways of suffering.

I’ve been thinking I should write up something for Ethan and call it something like Husband Lessons, breaking it down into five different categories. There are things they learn from Dad and things I feel they can learn from Mom. How it comes out, whether in written form or simply verbal is probably yet to be determined.

“We need to address the site abandonment issue.” The words sting and bring tears. I knew I was kind of going out on a limb when I texted my Contact supervisor asking if I could meet with two women from the emergency shelter when I came in later this week to meet with her. One of the faculty members had gone in to talk to her and when the issue came up about me leaving the site she was not aware this had happened.

I said before (and then deleted) how I’m used to dutifully (and resentfully) being the crazy person in these scenarios. I do actually miss Contact with its predictable liveliness and chaos. I miss the ease with which I had access to people, or the feeling like I must really be this trustworthy person to just be given such free reign with such a vulnerable population. It sure takes a special person to be some place like this, I told myself.

Sigh. So all of that is still an issue. I’m just silently praying (as in feeling a small internal desire somewhere), that the relationship I had with this person, and maybe even this facility, can somehow be salvaged, even if it is only to part on good terms, and bonus if there could also be mutual understanding. It’s a tall order in today’s world wherever people are involved. It doesn’t mean one won’t ever feel sad or sick over things.

It was a good day for Saturday chores. The boys cleaned in the basement and later raked leaves outside. The front of the house has returned to that state of looking simultaneously well used and well neglected. I don’t even know where all this stuff comes from or why I can’t seem to be one of those women who weeds and cleans.

They replaced the roof last summer before I had a chance to realize what was happening. There were just a few days where guys were here tearing off the old roof and then replacing it with the exact same color that was on there before. So there was no dramatic visual change or intentional choice to best match with the siding that will be hopefully next sometime in the summer or fall.

These are the kinds of things where you wonder what you’re supposed to feel and have to eventually end up back at that place again where you’re feeling grateful. The kids played outside in the yard and the rest of the sap was boiled in the side yard. I walked around barefoot and laid on the athletic field benches, calmed again by the sun.

Ethan texted and asked if I was going to Judah’s track meet. I’d been in bed for a while, having fallen asleep and then was slowly waking up. Yes, I said, and then he asked if I could Facetime for the races. It warms my heart to have him still be taking interest in his brother and I am thankful they have the connection of running. Sure, I said, but I don’t know what time the races are. Did he happen do know when the meet started?

It started at 4:30. I looked the clock that said 3:37. Shoot, we need to get out of here, I texted immediately back to him. Within five minutes the boys and I were on the road with an hour drive ahead of us and a 4×8 relay that was first. I’ll spare the drawn out story, but we made it with literally a minute to spare before the race started. I let the boys out, found a near parking spot, and was down at the track to see the whole race.

The girls run first which gave us just enough more time. They had the 4×1, and then the distance medley which he also was in. During one of the Facetimes I got to say hi to many of the teammates from Concordia. Who am I saying hi to, I asked, knowing I would know most of their faces even if I didn’t know voices. He said it was a lot of the ones in his class and I didn’t push it any further. The boys and I drove back home.

Dad was in Carlinville with Elianna. There aren’t enough girls on the track team to have a relay, so the two girls who run were signed up for another meet. We’d considered trying to make it for Elianna’s later race but it would’ve taken us over an hour and 70 miles with little chance we would make it. We were each just going to do our own thing for supper. The boys bought pizza from Dominos and I found a salad at County Market.

On the way home from the meet we passed the Riverton exit. They’re having this trauma retreat this weekend and originally Elianna and I were supposed to go for the Friday night film showing. This was before we knew that there were going to be two meets. I can remember in high school wanting to hang out with the partiers. I would be such a fun drunk, I thought, and it would be fun to just let my wild side have a place.

It’s kind of crazy how it’s different now, how I still want to be hanging out with these people but now it’s more like, “I would be such a good therapist. Just let me in. Just let me in.” But why am I thinking that? Why am I feeling such a longing to connect there? Why must every road be paved with so much want and self-denial? I want to be with these people and heal their souls and read their minds and leave it be when I can’t.

It will pain me at times. On the way home the boys were playing songs from my phone. When one of the songs was almost over I said, “Okay, play Something Just Like This by Coldplay”. He only heard the first part and started playing Pumped Up Kicks. I said this wasn’t what I requested, but didn’t mind because I liked the song. He said, “Oh I thought you meant something just like this as in a similar kind of song.” He’s so funny.

This morning Jezebel got thrown out of a window and eaten by dogs. I didn’t get much farther than that. The boys picked it up from there and I went back to my own writing or scheduling or whatever it was I was doing. It’s never all that important. Later we went for a walk down to the lake and enjoyed the nice day. I reminded them we were almost done with the school year, more as a reality check for myself that yet another year…

Zorro went a little crazy. Usually he does okay but sometime he gets wilder on walks. I finally told one of the boys to listen to me and let him off of the leash and stop trying to wrestle him. I don’t know if that was my natural instincts coming through or just the mom fear showing up and emasculating my son when he was trying to be strong. I kind of felt like sometimes it’s like people where you need to step away and take a break.

We had Italian beef for lunch that one of the cooks had leftover. It was actually good but I did not have time to eat much of it. It was too hot when I sat down and didn’t have time to let it cool. I had a dream last night of being late for my assessment, trying to figure out what to wear, fighting the slowness of dream time to not be late but I somehow still was. I was 20 minutes early and thank the Lord this one showed up.

I liked him. I always like these people and wish I could be with them longer. This time was almost two hours so that really was plenty after the probably hundreds of questions you have to go through and ask. I really just can’t help feeling like the other shoe is going to drop there. I pretty much told him that if I haven’t gotten any clients by the summer term then I’m just going to take that as a sign I’m supposed to move on.

It wasn’t said like an ultimatum but more just an acknowledgment that I can’t deny the obvious. Dad and I went to a visitation this evening for a former camp worker. He was one of the six adults who worked here when we were in college and fully realized how great we had it. He drilled tin cans into the dock poles so I’d no longer drop my radio/walkie talkie into the lake. It was a fabulous invention and worked many wonders.

It’s hardly seemed like Lent this year, mostly because I’ve not been going to church. Josh and the kids had evening service with supper beforehand while I left around 5 to pick something up and head to class. I’ve definitely been drinking more coffee these days but resisted the urge to buy another hot drink. I love the isolation and community of student life. Being independent and joining up for a time with fellow learners.

The girls in my class are completely done and all graduating. Everyone just kind of sits there with tired looks on their faces. I’m definitely ready for a break and am looking forward to the off month. The summer term is 8 weeks, then another month off in August, then 16 more weeks until the end of the fall term. I registered this past Monday for my three remaining classes and am actually really looking forward to taking them.

Research Methods, Foundations of Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and Neurobiology of Trauma. Plus the internship video class with the professor I had over the summer. I’m hoping to redeem myself and have a little bit more to show him other than thrown together panel and C earning term paper that I wrote with a partner for our trauma class that was about chronic illness but had nothing in the paper about trauma.

Somehow we completely overlooked that part. I think we both still ended up with A’s so it didn’t really matter. I can’t decide yet if I still care about the grades. It’s going to depend how this present class goes. If I get my grid done, and my multicultural video done which I almost have done, then I will have completely all of my video requirements and will only have to present a regular video with the basic form. I like doing videos.

I’m schedule to do the assessment with the police officer this week. If he shows up, and we complete our two hours, I will be three-fourths of the way done with my individual hours thanks to the hours I readily gathered at Contact. My group hours were done months ago and I have about 60 direct hours left minus the 30 from the remaining individual ones. Going to group will count as direct and we will see with the others.

Tis the season for track meets. The kids had a meet in Williamsville and we all drove together. Since I’m no longer at Contact I’ve been going to Thrive two days a week for three hours a day in order to make up that time. I’ve been using the time to get my homework things done. I started another power point show for my grid which I decided to try and get done this semester. I scheduled a time do to my social justice project.

I left about 15 minutes early to be home in time to leave for the meet. Zorro came with us and was doing great in the stands until our group started cheering. He barked a few times and then the guy from the announcers section came and said that pets are not allowed on the premises. So he had to go back and sit in the car. He did fine in there and I went and sat with him for a while in order to get a break from the cold.

I joked that we should see how many meets Zorro can get kicked out of this year. I came back out to watch the mile after already watching the kids run their 800 races. Ethan was seeing the Minecraft movie with teammates but wanted to Facetime for at least the 800. By the time it was the mile it was pretty close to dark. It was nice to not have to stay for the silly 4×4 business. We drove home and had supper together as a family.

My presentation is over thank the good Lord in heaven. He gets me through these crazy assignments and the unpleasant things I must do. It actually kind of enjoyed being up there and sharing with the class what I have learned about homelessness. They graciously participated and discussed and answered questions. Alexis was there and before class we saw each other and gave each other a huge hug. I miss her so much.

For group we’re supposed to lead a psychoeducation section sometime. Jane did hers on codependency. I forget what Kyle said he was working on. I think I want to do mine on fun, resilience, and joy, with fun including the definition of doing something you love. After I was done I met my sister and mom at the hospital. The doctor came out and said things went well and there were no significant blockages. We were happy to hear that.

The leaky valve is still severe. So they are thinking surgery will happen in the next 2-3 weeks. We hung out with dad in the recovery room where he stayed to be watched for a couple of hours. Both of the kids PR’d in the mile and Zorro enjoyed attending the track meet. We were grateful to God for good experience at the hospital. Dad said maybe this was a stretch but the word that came to mind to describe it all for him was sublime.