It’s been a busy day again. Mom called up to the ICU this morning to see how Dad was doing and the nurse said he was doing great and asked if she wanted to talk to him. He answered the phone like nothing had ever happened. Mom and I looked at each other in amazement and we both teared up. He was off the ventilator and they were wanting to get him up in a chair soon. By the middle of the day he was out of ICU.

So praised God for that. I’d googled it around 2 in the morning and it’d said the typical stay was anywhere between 24-48 hours so his was even less. When the surgeon came out yesterday I asked him how bad it was once he was in there. Using his hands he said a normal aorta is typically the size of a quarter and dad’s was nearly the circumference size of a tennis ball. Again Mom and I looked at each other amazed.

So we’re very thankful that things went so well. After Dad and the kids had waited out the heat delay at Elianna’s sectional meet, it ended up being rescheduled for today because of rain. It rained today again about halfway through and the meet was delayed for another 90 minutes. We waited out the storm in the cars and then the sun came out again. The girls finished their races and both of them were able to medal.

This evening we went over to my mother-in-law’s for supper. She is getting around really well after her surgery. The kids came over after practice and Josh and the boys and I met them there. Ethan went to practice too. She ordered from Monicals and we were supposed to pick it up so we did. It was funny because she ordered so much food.

Dad came out carrying three pizzas, two salads, two 2L sodas, and two orders of monkey bread. The boys were elated at the larger than normal sight of their feast. We pulled out of the parking lot and his mom called and said that Monicals just called her and they’d forgot to give us the breadsticks. We all looked at each other and my jaw dropped and then we laughed. We couldn’t believe that after all that there was more.

My dad has his surgery tomorrow. They’re supposed to get there around 9 in the morning to get prepped. Mom and I are planning to hang out for the day. He’s supposed to be in the ICU for a while and the hospital for about week. I said I would pray for him just like he prayed for Zorro who’s been doing well too.

“…To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins with his blood and made us a kingdom…”
~Revelation 1:5-6~

“Mom was gracious and kind and I respect the way she lived her life.” I don’t know, I still want something like this to be said about me. I guess it’s changed a little. Once you get with Jesus though who really cares? I have this picture of myself that I feel is in there, that I know is in there, and yet I still keep waiting for someone to see it and say it–around here. Out in the world I haven’t had the same problems.

If it comes it’s nice, but it isn’t something I need or even think about wanting. There’s the kind of quiet you are when you’re mad and they’ve seen that enough times. Then there’s the kind of quiet you are when you’re content and at peace. They still think I look mad then because something really happens where your faces freezes and the lines are not going back. I see it every day in the mirror and its hard to love.

I had this video review at Thrive and purposely didn’t dress up. I have no idea how the lighting from his window hit my face in that 50 minutes as I sat across from his desk, if it made things more visible or less. I’ve wanted to ask a couple of times, “Can you just tell me from a man’s perspective, do you think I’m beautiful at all?” But then I’ve thought that this is really just me being greedy. The answer isn’t my care.

The kids had a meet at PORTA this evening. They’ve had such a fun season this year with lots of PR’s. Elianna PR’d again in the mile and 800 and Judah’s 4×4 relay team got 1st place. They are 1.34ish seconds off of the state qualifying time and I think that’s hilarious. I really didn’t see it happening for them but if Judah can run faster they might have a shot. Two of the boys I think have probably maxed out their times.

As in they’re already going as fast as they can. It’s funny how it’s different when you’re not the mom of the kid. The boy whose job it is in the relay to catch everybody up so the anchor can finish, he’s the fastest on the team. I told him last night after his awesome run, “That was awesome”. His mom who I was talking to said to him after me, “Don’t you think you should probably cool down? This concerns me”. Sigh.

Judah would have to run faster and everyone else would have to run their absolute best. So I don’t know what the odds of that are but the girls have their sectional meet this Thursday and the boys have theirs next week sometime. I still feel so much better with the semester being over but their still is lots on my mind and going on. Graduation is this weekend. My dad is having surgery this Thursday here in Springfield.

We’re trying to nail down a date to have a bridal shower for Laura. Her mom and I have been going back and forth with dates and checking in with the various people. It’s crazy how fast the summer has already filled and we haven’t even gotten to the actual camp yet. I told Ethan that during his free time in May, I would help him if he wanted, but he needed to be going through and packing up his room. He agreed it seemed.

I dread the summer every year. The boys and I cleaned up the front of the house and it once again no longer looks so neglected. I’m still trying to repent of my sloth but it’s one of those things so ingrained and twisted in that I’m afraid it is going to be a very slow process. I don’t mean afraid like I am actually afraid I just mean I see and am accepting the reality. I feel like love is there which for me is good motivation.

I don’t get precious over Mother’s Day things. This time of year I’m too exhausted to care. You also start to realize that for as much as motherhood has shaped and completely upended your life, there are other women in the world who are still alive and gave a strong majority of their years and energy to make sure you turned out to be a halfway decent person who had food, toilet paper, and clean clothes on most days.

For a much as I’ve learned about not having to strive to earn anybody’s approval, I can still get so offended and fall into the trap of wanting it badly. I don’t even need the celebration or praise, just don’t be mean or say something that hurts me. Back then my life and sacrifice felt so unseen. It’s not my life so much now, it’s my need and intentions. Most days I don’t blame them. I’m older, less active. I’m not the same person.

I didn’t think it’d be possible to feel any more invisible than I did in those days, but every so often I still deeply do. And that still isn’t even where the pain is from now. I don’t need to be seen. Or understood. Or admired. To stop hurting would be nice but who has control over that? There’s enough joy in my days that it needn’t depend on this one. I don’t know what I need now. I think I need it to be okay that I’m less.

It feels super good to be done with another semester. Yesterday I finished the last of my assignments and today I had my final three hours to meet my 375 hour goal. I have two clients currently who I will see over break. They can’t count as hours but it can count as volunteering. I would go for group too except that I really need the mornings for other things this coming month which is somehow already basically a third over.

Josh left this morning to pick up Ethan from school. His Twilight meet this year was only two days past the end of his semester and he was hoping to run and get his first sub 2 in the open 800 (he’s done it in relay splits). He’s caught the 400 bug from his younger brother and so was going to run that too. He actually ran about 100 meters of it before he suddenly started hopping and slowing down and I couldn’t see anymore than that.

He got a hamstring cramp which has never happened to him before. So he stopped right away and the coach ended up telling him not to run the 800. He wasn’t happy about having to end the season on a bad note but he still has a lot to be proud of and grateful for this season. Dad is going to stay overnight in his room and their plan is to leave tomorrow morning early to drive all the way to Pana where the kids have a meet.

The best runners in college can have sub 1:50 800’s. It’s pretty crazy. It’s about as crazy as the pace of life can be at times. Today in group we watched this video about a younger man who died from a heroin overdose. It was a hopeful story about redemption, hope, and forgiveness. It made me think about the people in high school who were considered the druggies and I wished I and others had been kinder to them.

The whole thing was pretty emotional. The kids and I went to ice deli this evening which is this place that opens in summer season and sells snow cones. I had absolutely no desire to try one. Zorro started barking from the van so I went and sat with him. There were a few other camp kids hanging around so they talked at the picnic tables for a while. Zorro was fine once someone was in there. It was a nice evening out together.

“…keep yourselves in the love of God…”
~Jude 21~

I’ve been struggling with my ability to write and then leave it which is why this is going to be my third attempt at saying something. They say you can only take people as deep as the healing that you have personally gone through and I feel like the same applies to writing and interacting. I watch a video and someone points out how the client mentions at least two different feeling words which I proceed to gloss right over.

Where it’s kind of like, yeah, okay, it makes sense that you’re feeling that but what’s the point of exploring it? It does all seem terribly self-absorbed and repetitive. There is that element to which we become numb to our feelings or anyone else’s to the point that we do not even realize they’re there. Am I saying I’m numb right now, no, but you can just be so caught up with life that there isn’t the luxury of sitting down to process things.

I’m at the point with my house where the solution seems none other than to move or burn it down. To spend any more time cleaning it seems like a most unproductive use of my time. And yet that is what I am turning to do, somewhere wanting and looking forward to even. I could blame every cat, creature, and human for this state and I would not be wrong. But why the tears now? It’s because I know somewhere I have no choice.

I haven’t had much time to write. When I do have the time I haven’t had the energy. We had our social justice class today and were supposed to finish up with speaking a little about our projects. We ran out of time before I had a chance to go and so I told the teacher I could stay after class but she couldn’t. So I got her number and said I would text about setting up a time to meet via Zoom or on campus.

We also had this 10-page policy paper we were supposed to write if we were unable to attend Counselor Day on the Hill which was something I couldn’t go to because it happened when I was in Gulf Shores. I told her about this and that they were long standing plans that couldn’t be changed. She said she’d put a link in Canvas where we could turn them in but I have seen anywhere to turn it in.

Wouldn’t it be wild if I just didn’t end up having to do either one? I told her when I talked to her that ten pages seemed like maybe too much and that I would gladly do five. At this point I’m going to make sure I at least turn in something so I have the email that shows that I sent it. There is a homeschooling bill getting a lot of press around here and so I thought I’d write about that. They say she won’t even read it.

Elianna had her senior prom this evening. She left around 9 to be at Clara’s by 9:30. The girls were doing their own nails. She came home for a short time and at 11:45 the two of us left to head back into town. She had an appointment for makeup and hair, one at noon and the other at 1. I’m feeling more and more inspired whenever I’m around these hair and makeup places. These girls always look so glam and put together.

Like it wouldn’t be that hard to just put in some effort, to make it part of your routine. Her makeup girl did a beautiful job. The hair person was running behind with another client so they asked another girl to stay past her shift and do her hair. I felt bad for the worker girl but was glad that she stayed. They use pictures on their phones that the clients bring in and then try to copy what they see. I thought she did a good job too.

We drove home. I went back to bed because I was tired and had given up on it being my homework/paper writing day. It has to be close enough to the due date for that to happen. Instead I focused on simple chores like laundry and sweeping. I have these plans that in the month of May when I’m not in any classes I will get the house put back together. I will have that time to focus and direct my energies toward the cleaning.

Elianna left to meet up with Miles. He was able to leave early from helping with the tear down after graduation. A little while later I left too to meet up with the parents for pictures. They took them at a church downtown that had possible rain coverage. The girls looked absolutely stunning in their makeup and dresses. Another mom and I started to tear up but we choked it back and let them stay behind the eyes for now.

Next was the senior walk. Dad and I left home around 6:45 to be there in time for 7:15. I’d never been to one of these. Josh’s sister was there since she’s in town helping my mother-in-law after her knee replacement surgery. Elianna’s dress was the dress she wore for her own senior prom. So that was kind of fun and it was interesting seeing everyone’s dresses and hearing about everybody’s post-high school college plans.

The baseball team was standing behind us. They decided to all take each other as dates so the upper classman paired up and brought all the younger ones. I thought about taking a picture and sending it to Ethan but then I was like “no, stay in the present, stay in the present…” and turned around and forgot about them. They have a new coach this year and their team has over 10 wins this season so far. They are 2nd in conference.

So that’s pretty cool. Josh and I hugged Elianna goodbye and I cried once we both had gotten back in the car. It was just such a beautiful night and she looked so pretty. Some of these kids are really great people. Earlier in the week Elianna saw a rainbow while out getting earrings. She texted me and told me about it but when I went outside to see if I could see it I couldn’t. She’s told me at times that I am wrong and I know she is right.

I’ve really enjoyed group the past couple of times. It’s becoming more comfortable to say things when I think of them. I think about things so much and feel like I have a good understanding, but the difficulty I can have when it comes to moving it from my head to my mouth has been kind of eye opening for me. I guess the only way to change it is to keep doing it, hopefully. The people in group are becoming endearing.

You get to know them and become familiar with their problems, lives, and quirks. There are those hang ups that people have and their personal looping ruminations where you wonder why they can’t get past it and you think you know what would help if they’d do it. But everyone is moving at an individual pace and the point isn’t usually to speed them up. The point is to use and honor the time that they took to show up.

The kids had a track meet in Carlinville. This is another one I’d never been to. It was nice because we all rode together for the 43 mile drive. Zorro came too and did well in the car. Ethan had his conference meet and at one point I was watching two different races in two different states. The sophomore boys formed a 4×4 relay over this past week so we stayed for that. I like the track meets for the races and family times.