Laura asked if I wanted to go paddle boarding with her after class. She’s been very sweet about including me in things and seeming like she’s interested in having a relationship. To be honest she talks to me more than my son does. When her mom could not go with her to her dress fitting, she asked if I’d want to go along with her.

So I rearranged my schedule so I could go. I feel like the wedding is my focus right now, like I need to be thinking and working a little bit everyday to make sure my part in this gets done and completed. Today I was thinking about the sound system that will be needed for the piano and special music. This needs to be arranged.

The boys and I organized homeschool books in the basement. Instead of getting new carpet I may have convinced Josh to let the camp buy a heavy duty air purifier that according to my sister’s experience, would help with any smells. It would even be cheaper than the $1,700 we spent on the upstairs flooring but weren’t reimbursed for.

We had a good Father’s Day yesterday. One of the boys was confirmed and my sister-in-law and her family happened to be in town. So they joined us for a supper the night before and we planned to have lunch the next day after church. One of my nieces was on a field trip to Washington D.C. but everyone else was there. They left after lunch to get back to St. Louis and we left soon after to get back to be ready for camp.

I heard from several places today about my internship emails. All of them were not taking interns at the time except for the partial hospitalization program through Memorial Behavioral Health where I did my practicum hours. He said I could come back and said to get back with him once I’d filled out the greater system requirements. I filled out my student request form and have to wait now for them to get back to me.

I had two clients today at Thrive. Both of the sessions went really well. I felt like in each of the sessions we were connecting and flowing. I love when they come in, sit down, and jump right into talking like it’s the most normal thing in the world. The question, “So how have you been?” leads right into anything and everything. It made me wish or feel hopeful that maybe something could still end up working out there after all.

I sent out like six or seven calls and emails today trying to find a different internship site. I heard back from one place so far and he said they didn’t have any spots at the moment. Group was fine this morning and Wednesday and is the best part of being there. But the lingering in limbo day after day and sitting in the awkwardness of trying to get hours but having nothing to do even when I’m trying to do things is too much.

There is no sense in trying to talk this out with him again. The issue is the massive (internal) attraction I’m skirting around and not anything he is doing or not doing. Water seeks its own level and I’m sitting in the group room like yeah, can’t you see it? That’s why I am here. That is the story I am telling myself, that I was brought to you, and now we can be these paired spiritual healers leading our nature and trauma circle rituals.

We have elite-level powers. How weird would that have been to say? But seriously, I also found out that the rumor is true and he is planning on moving to Florida in two years. That is not enough time for me to get all of the hours and supervision needed to get my LCPC so we can train students together. I still want to use my somatic practitioner training but however perfect this place was, it wasn’t perfect enough to unfold in reality.

So that’s been kind of disappointing and stressful. I feel like I’ve failed at two internship sites but I’m hoping it will work out however it’s meant to. A few things I’ve learned from my various clinical experiences: 1) I love busy environments, 2) I prefer being part of a multi-practitioner team, and 3) Individual therapy isn’t necessarily my strong suit, or at least is not the sole thing I’d want to do, and 4) Hot, intuitive men are my kryptonite.

I feel like those things are still good lessons. So anyway I came home and took a nap and stayed in bed for a while emailing and thinking about this. I got up and Josh and the boys were making pizza. Ethan was with Laura, Elianna with friends, and the next one came home with a friend who is spending the night to say they were eating then going to get some food with camp people. I’m hoping for us to play a game with the boys.

I texted Laura’s mom to see if she was up for a visit. She’s a week out from her knee replacement surgery and is recovering nicely with Laura there helping her. Before I left, I said goodbye to the nurse and her husband until the next time. This is her 20th year anniversary being the camp nurse for Joyful Hearts. I feel like we should’ve gotten her a plaque or something. There’s those people you just love and appreciate so much.

Laura wants to make her own cakes for the wedding. Bless her heart, her parents’ basement has basically become the wedding laboratory for assembling bouquets, crafting table decorations, sketching beautiful lettering and artwork onto thrifted frames and glass, embroidering her and Ethan’s reception shoes, and whatever else. She showed me the gifts that people have already started sending from the registry.

So that got me kind of excited about things. I’ve been feeling kind of frustrated that she’s doing so much of the work, including the calling and texting for the ongoing apartment hunting. He told me today that there may have been a breakthrough in their search because a woman called back and said a 1-bedroom apartment was opening up in July. I’d texted Laura another one I’d found online yesterday. She’d already applied.

Her grandma gave her a box full of hand-sewn home decor. There were fall and spring and fourth of July table runners. I started to get emotional when she pulled out the quilted and colorful birthday sign. They would have a sign like we did, and I felt a warm glow of memory, like I had done something right and created years of memories and rituals that would now be carried forth into the future to be weaved into new ones.

I was kind of mad at myself on the way home. I have this wonderful life with this man I share kids with along with this cute little love story. Why am I not happier about all of this more of the time? I don’t know, I could hear myself say it and see the truth there. The explaining, the educating, the giving up and quitting trying. But every once in a while I will hear something, like when he says we’re basically each other’s only friend.

Last night I drove to Lincoln to sit in the parking lot of my old school. I’d originally planned to go to Williamsville to stop at the Subway for something other than camp food. But once I was that far I was close enough to the exit only 14ish miles further and decided to go to the Jimmy Johns I’d sometimes go to if I had enough time before class.

The name of our building was Restoration Hall. I remember seeing that name and feeling like it was a sign from God to me, assuring me this would be a healing place to come back from the damage that had accrued in my life. I ate my sandwich and called my aunt and told her it’d been four months since grandma had died. She’d forgotten.

That day, but had remembered earlier this week. I remember mostly when I cannot call her. So I sat outside of Restoration Hall in my van and heard about Tim who’d found another friend and was seeing her now. Before that Tim had called my aunt daily for months, surprised her with a visit, and endured being just friends with her for a while.

But eventually that was not what he was ultimately looking for. So that was kind of a bummer but it’s the way that it goes. It was nice while it lasted and fun to hear her old stories. After that I drove home where the evening activity was hayrack rides for the campers. I waved to Dad and one of the boys as I drove by. The others were outside.

I went in to hang out with the nurse who was still upset from the morning med pass. She was setting up the men’s pills to be ready the next morning so I started on setting up for the women. Ethan asked if I could give him his camper’s meds first and I said yes. After bedtime meds were done and morning ones too, I walked home and went to sleep.

Stuffing your feelings isn’t healthy for people. Last week in group this girl started crying and when she did I wanted to cry too. I would have but stopped it, or stuffed it rather, and it hurt to do so. I’ve been trying to better about when I’m feeling hurt about something that doesn’t have to be something to take a deep breath and blow out the energy instead of absorbing it. You can speak it to yourself (I’m mad, etc) and let it go.

It was mostly an internship day. I met with Jane’s client for the scheduled hour and then drove around with Jane while she explained to me more about why she was leaving. I don’t have enough experience in the outside/professional world to know if there really are such things as toxic environments or if life is just a mixture of hard things and better things. I brought it up in class in the afternoon asked what others thought.

As in, was there anyone who was just having an awesome clinical experience? Everyone kind of smirked and chuckled. But it led to a good discussion and I did somehow feel better. I told them how I was kind of bored at my site and how at this point I feel the ball should be rolling faster. After Jane dropped me off I sat downstairs and kept myself busy for an hour and a half waiting for the desk girl to get there at noon like planned.

At 12:25 I just left and went home. I took a nap which I definitely needed. I felt this freedom in driving away, even though I’d just told him in the morning that I would be there until 2:30 and work with the desk girl till it was time to go to class. Then I would come from class back for the evening group. I’ve been to the evening group once before because there have always been conflicts with track/cross country meets and Contact.

I talked with a student about picking up a secondary site at Gateway. It’s the substance abuse rehab place where I had originally tried to go for my practicum with Lincoln. I was going to do outpatient groups until school asked me to go somewhere else because another student was having problems getting proper supervision. I know I tend to get this way every so often. Group supposedly has two new people so we’ll see how it goes.

“…Blessed is the one who stays awake, keeping his garments on, that he may not go about naked and be seen exposed!”
~Revelation 17:15~

Zorro experienced a setback with his nail-trimming routine. Something happened at the vet where now he won’t let her trim his nails. We saw a German Shepherd in Petco who was three years old and more full size. Zorro to me seems big already, but this dog was even longer, fuller, and taller. When my sister was here with her dog I couldn’t believe the difference in size. Her dog to me always seemed big but does not anymore.

After work I stopped over by the CGC where the handicampers are staying for their camp week. The nurse was still up but did not want help with the meds. I did not insist because I was tired, though I don’t imagine I was any more tired than she was. A few of the staff were still awake trying to figure out a bluetooth CPAP machine. They eventually just had to let it go and made sure he had pillows to prop up his head.

Ethan was gone for a wedding for one of his teammates in Nebraska. He left on Saturday morning and picked up a friend in DesMoines. From there they drove to the wedding. I have no idea where they stayed but he was back for camp by 4PM. One of the other boys was still up in the CGC trying to not distract his camper from falling asleep. Just sleep on the couch, I told him, you’re already sick and need your rest.

I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. The fact is that I can love learning and think it’s fulfilling and great and interesting for me, but not so much when it involves the common frustrations of vocation and calling. Part of life is moving through the down times too while remaining grounded and keeping the overall picture in mind. For whatever reason right now, this is the place where I am supposed to be learning.

“It doesn’t have to make sense”. This was a phrase from The Eternal Song, and a breakout session we watched about healing practices and wisdom from Indigenous cultures. I do think we tend to spend too much time in modern talk therapy trying to get to the bottom of our things and make sense of them. One of the most helpful things at times for a person is to hear another person say “that makes sense”.

But no one really likes the parts that we often struggle to make sense of. Eventually “it doesn’t have to make sense” can be a sweet relief from the overthinking. We let go, we feel a freedom, or as the video described, we wear our butterfly wings. God’s path is never the path that is free from pain, frustration, or trial. It doesn’t have to make sense, and sometimes it doesn’t, but other times you’re just crying along on the road and it completely does.

The aunts, uncles, and cousins went back home in the afternoon. I feel like we had a good time together and the only thing that would’ve made it better is more time on the water (my perspective) and a more intentional multi-generational activity (sister’s perspective). The weather did not allow for a strong enough internal invitation to come to the water to cool off and enjoy the sparkling ripples and waving trees.

And everyone was just content to be in the same general space that there was no pressing boredom to relieve. There still was a baby and toddler to watch, which I can remember, is a full-time job in itself and uses the majority of your mental and physical energy. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to give birth and was in the hospital wondering why it was taking so long. I woke up with all the pressures.

I left in the morning to go to group for the first time since leaving for break. I was running about five minutes late and almost texted Jane to let her know I was on my way and I’d be there. I walked in and Jane wasn’t there and the supervisor was messing with the video pulling up the section he was going to show. On Monday Jane and I had talked and were excited to come back. By Friday she’d decided she wasn’t coming back.

At least for the summer because she’s needing to take some time off to focus on her health. She had Lyme disease at some point in her life and it’s resulted in a host of neurological problems that are exacerbated by stress which she had a lot of last semester. There was one other person for group and the two of them went back and forth with ease and I inserted my two cents where I could about mothering things.

I was frustrated for much of the time, mad and disappointed that I was not around more people. I want to use my gifts, I want to channel this energy, and make something and not be underutilized or under-stimulated. I’ve got enough of my individual hours, I could go back to Memorial where at least I’d have the satisfaction of an environment buzzing with people. You can’t go as deep with them and don’t have them as long.

I thought about the Bible studies, the homeschooling, how I’ve had these various outlets at different seasons in my life. They served as something I could pour into, where I found my bliss and truest self, the part of me who is confident and in love and knows exactly what I’m doing with it flowing straight from my inner heart and soul. Jane’s client is going to transition to me and I’m supposed to meet with her Tuesday.

I did not say anything about being the secretary. Instead of processing group I had to spent the time catching up with my charting to get the diagnosis dates matched up with the visit notes. This way the client appointments can actually be charged which hasn’t been happening since April when I started meeting with them. Normally insurance would flag this for an audit but interns don’t use insurance, only a self-pay rate of $40.

Another day has gone by and almost now another week. It’s been good having my family here with last night adding my other sister, her husband, and kids. The dining hall has been feeding us all though I’m mindful in times like this not to wear out my welcome. This week we have over 100 kids with day camp which is a much higher number than the cooks are used to working with. It’s how it used to be here.

I had an appointment again at Thrive so I’m back to counting my hours. I need to average 10 a week between now and the end the fall semester. It’s actually not even that many. I walked in on Monday to the desk girl telling another employee that she’d just put in her three week notice. It wasn’t making sense for her anymore. I’m thinking about asking if I can take her spot and saying I’d do it for 25 dollars an hour.

It’s a little high but I think it’s worth it. I’m starting to feel somewhat sad about the wedding because it feels like such a big thing to accomplish in such a small amount of time. We still need to secure the rehearsal brunch catering. I should probably find a way to make the tables and atmosphere look nice. I just want it to be nice for everyone and for their lives to go well. We went to the beach but didn’t get since it was cold.