I was going to go swimming this evening but was too exhausted to make that happen. Dad and the boys went together and I went for a short walk. At this point in the countdown every day feels like a day needing to be utilized for more productivity. I called about my daughter’s dress. My mother-in-law wonderfully took the boys school shopping and bought the remaining of their everything shoes, shirts, and belt needs.

So everybody has all of their clothes now. When we were pulling away from Seward I had a moment of tearfulness thinking about all the years of organizing the kids’ clothes. Folding them and taking satisfaction in order. It was kind of like my final time doing that for him. They never did find dressers but there is a large walk-in closet to the side of the bedroom. The totes were uniform, the hangers the same color, the crates side by side.

There was room for everything which made me happy. But I haven’t really been all that emotional this time. We’ve been through that and don’t need to again. I was watching mother-son dances on YouTube in the comments a woman wrote how she didn’t want to be sentimental when her son got married. She wanted just to purely be happy for her son. That resonated for me. I can’t imagine I won’t cry at some point but that’s okay.

I’m trying not to be too terribly vocal that I’m ready for these things to move on and be over. The camp things. The wedding. I’m familiar with the myth of getting back to a normal but it will be nice to potentially have more time and space in our lives. I am practicing the art of one day at a time and there is contentment to be found in that practice. I really haven’t had that much to say all these years but these paragraphs help.

The dinner for the staff went well tonight. After supper we went around and stated our highs and lows for the summer. My high was having so many campers this year. The dining hall was packed. The athletic field was colorful. The chapel benches were full. It was just nice to see all the kids here like past years. My low was not swimming nearly as much as I would’ve liked or would normally do. I miss the lake and would swim often.

But life is busier now, in a different way than it used to be. I decided against the Classical Conversations for homeschooling and we’re just going to do the normal homeschooling we’ve done. It was his choice which I took not quite as a compliment but as a request to adjust my original thinking. I have nothing against the homeschooling, I just don’t like seeing them get bored. I wouldn’t have to order a single book this year.

The other day I emailed my boss and asked if I could have the desk job at Thrive. Today I went in and talked to him and he basically told me I could have it. He said it would basically be until the end of the year when I would switch over into seeing more clients. I have asked here and there about working there when I’m done but it’s nothing I have ever approached with any kind of certainty. It always seemed too far away to know.

It still feels that way. Like for whatever reason I can’t seem to grasp or believe this is actually real, that it isn’t going to somehow fall through in some way. But I basically just felt that I would somehow regret if I did not at least try to pursue more involvement. I imagined myself going off to Memorial and never really living up to the potential of what I could have been if I had not run away or been scared of being bored for a time.

So anyway I’m supposed to start training next week. If this actually happens I’d be working there part-time for three days a week which would replace some of the time I was going for group. I still like group but could help with that later. I definitely have had plenty of time to adjust to the change of being more outside of the home. I don’t even like to use the word work because that doesn’t feel like the right word in these cases.

It was another busy day of wedding prep. My mom came up in the morning and we set ourselves to getting things done. The primary task I was wanting her help with was figuring out the flower arrangements for the entryway to the dining hall. I had already gone to Hobby Lobby and picked out most of the flowers and greens. It ended up being more involved than expected but that’s how a lot of projects go from what I’ve known.

But they look nice and we were happy with how they turned out. We went into town for some miscellaneous shopping tasks that were still on my list and checked off a few more boxes. Ethan’s tie, the ring-bearer clothes for my sister, and some clearance flowers for the rehearsal brunch decorations. Josh had thrown out the idea of having a Hawaiian theme. I wouldn’t have thought of that but I decided just to go with it.

It was one of those mental marriage things where I was like, “You know…he had this idea and offered it up and maybe you should just honor that and go with his idea.” I could hear the reel of years of comments inside my head, particularly, “You never like what I pick out for you” or “I gave you my opinion and you didn’t like it”. I don’t know. Stuff like that. So I wanted him to be happy and feel loved that I’d gone with his idea.

To my amusement I don’t think it was that big of a deal to him. But in the meantime I’ve owned the Hawaiian theme and it kind of takes the pressure off for it to be anything more formal. I found these smaller beach balls in Hobby Lobby that I’m very excited about because I think they’re fun and different. They add a lot of color and then the kids can use them when they go down to the lake. Elianna and I both have our dresses now.

So that’s all good. Miles’s dad came in the evening to check out the power outlets and scope out the environment. He’s going to bring the rest of the sound equipment for the special music during the service and also be in charge of running it and setting it up. Josh, the boys, and I brought the electric piano down in Papa’s truck. Miles dad tested out the different locations and the piano could easily be heard from the top of the hill.

This morning we went to church in Auburn. The kids were giving a presentation on their youth gathering experience. During the time we were in Nebraska the air conditioning went out in the Auburn sanctuary. They have an all-purpose room where they moved all their folding chairs and set up an altar area. Yesterday was kind of a blur of not doing a whole lot. Dad, the boys, and I went swimming yesterday evening which was nice.

My supervisor evaluation (finally) came in my Tevera box and after that I spent at least an hour googling everything I could about the word “flighty”. I’ve been so intensely focused on behaving and being a good girl that it hadn’t really occurred to me that there are other ways you can ruin a relationship. I would still like to ask about this scheduling and billing job, and I almost did tonight, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We’re winding down with camp for the summer. Tonight the last pack of campers came through for the mini-week registration time. Instead of everyone going out to eat like we usually do when camp ends we made plans instead to have Red Robin brought in and this year the camp is going to pay for it. The camp season flew like it always does.

We are back from Nebraska. Yesterday we carpooled with Laura’s parents and arrived a little after 5PM. The landlady came right out and met us with the keys and showed us around. They have a really nice apartment in a newer part of town. Ethan will have about 4-5 minute bike ride to get to school. A couple we know who now lives in Seward are only a half block away. The complex is located right next to the water tower.

We left around noon to head back home. While we were gone the kids went to Grandma’s to water her flowers. She is currently out of town traveling for a family funeral. The kids are old enough that I did not feel too anxious about leaving them home. I’m still trying to keep tabs on how a child is doing and feeling and sometimes I get a little nervous about what the dog’s going to do. They did well while we were gone.

It feels good to check this box off so we can move on to other things. People don’t seem to understand the significance of me actually making a list. It has to sound ridiculous to be proud about it but it’s actually a great accomplishment for me. I know it I don’t need anyone to affirm that. I still need to find a dress and the decorations for the rehearsal dinner. It’s a lot to plan a wedding/be married but if you’re teachable you can do it.

Today was a busy day of preparation. At noon we picked up the U-haul truck for our trip to Nebraska tomorrow. The boys are staying behind so it’ll just be me and Josh in the truck. The bigger kids are on their way home from the youth gathering and are supposed to arrive back around 1 in the morning. Laura’s dad has been driving all day today with the gathering kids and then will get up tomorrow and drive to Nebraska.

Ethan and I spent a significant amount of time together. He has the rest of the week off and spent today at home going through his room and sorting through the rest of his stuff. He asked if there was a limit on what he could keep here and I said there was none. Any clothes he wanted to keep I said he had to take with him. There is quite the pile in the schoolroom of stuff he felt he could part with and did not need anymore.

We went and got his haircut also. There is a woman from group who is cutting hair now and I felt like she should be the one to do the job. We stopped by Jimmy Johns for lunch and later we drove to Havana to pick up the television and tv stand from another camp friend. One the way I heard about the plans for the bachelor party. They plan to hang out at camp and then the best man and his brother are going to grill for everyone.

Eleven of his track and cross country teammates are coming to the wedding and will be at the bachelor party too. They will eat and then go down to the lake to swim. After that they will hike to high point and spend the night there in tents. He said they planned to have like an outdoor chapel service where they also had the guitar and song books. I asked about his younger brothers, if they would be invited to go He said they would.

Then he asked about him and the groomsmen getting ready at our house. I said I hadn’t planned on that but we could make it work. My sister and her family will be staying in the basement over the weekend. I said they could use the upstairs to get ready. As soon as we were back from there Dad and Ethan loaded up the rest of the stuff and left to drive to Auburn to fill the van and the back of the traverse with Laura’s belongings.

Sometimes when I pray about something I don’t feel a need to pray about it again. I had a follow up doctor appointment in the morning to check on the thing in my lung that they had seen back in November. It was the same as it was before. I said, “So does it just stay in there now?” or “So what causes this again?” It says it is probably from an older infection that I had at some point in my life. It isn’t causing pain or problems.

But he is sending me to a thoracic surgeon just to have him look at it. If something would ever have to be done then he is the one who would have to do it. But sitting in the office, I wasn’t praying. It was almost like there was nothing to say, for I had already said it. I have felt something similar as the wedding gets closer and there are still things to do. The prayers for the details, for the marriage itself, all of this has been prayed.

So now we just walk in the peace that God gives us. I have felt the block in both ways, where there are no words to pray because you’re too distressed or strained to speak. And other times you think, “Should I be praying about this more?” or you try to pray and there really aren’t words. The task in those times, at least for me that I have found, is not to pray but to walk, or just sit quietly in the room because the task is already done.

We didn’t invite any of our aunts and uncle except for the ones who were closer to the kids. So two of them, neither of which are married. It hadn’t even occurred to me to explain any of this to anyone who may have wondered why they didn’t get an invitation. I remember when we were coming up with our guest list and my in-laws giving me all these names of the great aunts and uncles who they thought for sure needed an invite.

So I just wrote all these names down having no idea who they were. I would know them all now, most of them, any of them who have shown up at any reunions throughout these years. I’ve not met Janet from Ohio or Herbie from Nevada. Any of the ones who didn’t come at least sent us money. Looking back it makes total sense. All of these people were part of the family and inviting extended family to weddings is what you did.

I got the invitation bug at one point and thought of a few more Hoyleton families that I thought should be invited, besides just the one. But I was told no and so was Laura’s mom with various family and church members. I was actually really worried about my dress being too fancy but then Laura’s mom found another dress that is very similar to mine with the lace and sequence so now I have no longer been feeling afraid to wear it.

Anymore I do not mess around with stress. It’s like I know to go straight to God and fall down before him and lay my burdens where they go. Last weekend was a wonderful time of Christian fellowship with other women close to my age. Miles’ mom invited me to with her on a retreat that was being put on by her church. We had sessions on friendship and care for the soul. The word I came away with from there was “abide”.

I feel like God calls us to moments or stretches where he is asking us to stick closer. He calls us back from letting us play for a while feeling relief from the world’s cares. But then those moments and stretches come back where we’re reminded of our personhood and ultra-dependence. When you learn the lesson I don’t think you forget it. We perhaps might let it fall to the back of our mind but God is merciful to move it.

When I get like this I’m learning I don’t really want to talk much. I can write like it’s second nature in my journal with my prayers. But what I mostly want to do is lean in close to the heart of Jesus. I needn’t be like the beasts who tear and flail and run on instincts without an inner ruler. It is a wonderful gift that God gives us his presence and asks for nothing in return. Our hearts, our minds, our souls, our every part of us is his.

Josh and I left around five to take the bigger kids to Auburn. The youth vans were schedule to be loaded around 6AM and by 6:25 they were pulling out of the church parking lot. I got emotional saying goodbye but it didn’t last for too long. It helps to have a solid group of adults who are also chaperoning the trip. I’ve never cared about the youth gathering but this time I thought I would probably watch some of the livestreams.

I guess you can watch the live events. Several of my Lutheran friends and acquaintances will also be there. I heard back from the doctor today and the particular problem we’ve been dealing with is still a problem we’re dealing with. Had I known before they left I don’t know if it would’ve changed anything since they’ve been planning to go on this trip for so long. So now I am also praying that God will resolve this particular issue.

They are gone for a week. I’m more exhausted today from the morning and just the overall activities of life. My wedding prep has paused periodically for some rest breaks for my mind. I will have the next week off school and then the next four weeks after that. I’m still allowed to see clients, I just can’t accumulate any hours. I’ve been going in this summer an average of four days a week and have completed the individual hours.