Josh, the boys, and I went to pick up the washer and dryer. When Laura sent me the address I noticed it was in a more sketch part of time. Laura’s mom said she didn’t know if it was any good and to basically use my judgement regarding if I thought it was worth $300 or not (I was mistaken on the original price amount). When we pulled into the neighborhood and up to the house I prayed out loud, “Lord, give us discernment.”

I walked into the house and thought, “Uhh, I don’t know…” and then I had a thought that said, “Please don’t judge these people. You are not living in a pristine house either.” It seemed that Josh had given me the task of looking over the washer and dryer. I feel like I did not make any decisions in fear–either fear that I would offend them by saying I didn’t want it after all, or fear that they would be bad and so we just wouldn’t get them.

So they are now in our garage and will hopefully work as a good starter set. I had group this morning as I am finishing up the last week for the summer that I’ll be able to get hours. Next week the supervisor is going on vacation and I am not allowed to practice unless he is also in the building. Something about this new client I have has helped me feel more connected there. We share a similar faith background which opens a door.

People in early recovery often have a difficult time imagining a life where they never again can use alcohol. The very thought is unfathomable. What I especially was picking up on today was that the hopelessness comes from the belief that their recovery is entirely up to them and their ability to not use. They haven’t been able to stop before and so they conclude that alcoholism is their destiny and a sober life is not attainable.

But this is not so much a crisis of strength as it is a crisis of faith. It is a lack of faith in the possibility that something can be different. This was somewhat eye-opening for me because if the problem that you’re dealing with isn’t “how do I make sure that I will never drink again for the rest of my life?” but rather, “how do I believe and keep believing that change is possible?”, then that could possibly change things for a person.

Laura was over this evening and we talked some more about wedding things. She and Ethan had come up during break and we looked through Amazon for links to send my mother-in-law to order. I am not an extravagant person but I always think of a bed as something that is supposed to cost thousands of dollars. I’ve never spent that much and neither did they. They found a mattress and a frame which will hopefully be okay.

Her mom found a washer and dryer set on Facebook marketplace today. It was only $350 for the entire set which supposedly was only a year old. So Josh is going to pick that up sometime this week with the truck. I’d been feeling more overwhelmed again today, just thinking about the things that still are needing to be done. But it was a comfort to have Laura around. I’m trying to be a mature woman and not sweat the small things.

Her parents ordered three tons of rock for the outdoor chapel. We walked down and looked at the rock pile which to us did not look like three tons. The plan is to spread the rock around the benches and freshen up the rocks down there. The last time it was done was for a wedding several years ago. She showed me the seating chart and says she thinks she probably has the entire list memorized. It bet she does, she’s very bright.

We were talking about money, quarterly payments and others. I still have my college fund that I opened a few years ago. I loaded it up with a loan that I used for my tuition and Ethan’s. That has now been used up and I have no regrets. The Lutheran High tuition has always come straight from our bank account. I think people sometimes think that we must have gotten help from his parents but we have paid for that all our own.

But the numbers now just do not crunch as easily. I just made a payment for Elianna’s Penn Foster online veterinary technician program tuition. It’s a self-paced program that on average is completed around two years. I spent $2,500 on my somatic practitioner certification courses and I do have some slight regrets about that, only because I can see myself just never finishing or never using it. I’m about 33% done with one of two.

So after thinking about all this I finally said, “You know, I’m just going to have to suck it up and work more.” I was meaning signing up for some 4-hour shifts, which I’ve only done one of this summer. My boss sent a text that I never replied to but in this case I am glad I didn’t because those were the dates we’re supposed to be moving Ethan and Laura’s stuff to Nebraska. Ethan was supposed to have his Detwiller race again then.

And I tried to figure out a way where both things could still happen, where we could rearrange the moving dates and he could still run the race. But the obvious easy/hard thing was that he was going to have to just not run the race. I was actually kind of sad about it, while at the same time realizing this is just the start of the sacrifices he will have to start making and this is what he is signing up for and is how life sometimes is.

Sometimes the sacrifices hurt a little and I feel like that is what it’s like with the work. It has been wonderful not having the financial pressure or need to go out and get a job to earn money. We have always been very compatible this way where the money things do not cause problems and we both understand we’re not going to be rich or overly wealthy with dollars. We have prioritized our kids and there is nothing I regret with that.

The big kids will be heading down to the National Youth Gathering next week. It’s never appealed to me to go. Though I don’t know specifics or have any personal experience being there, I know New Orleans is known for it’s darker energies and forces. One time my sister went on a mission trip there and for several years was oppressed by an evil spirt that would speak and cause seizures. They traced it back to New Orleans.

There was one time in my life where I feel like was possessed or under the influence of an evil spirit. She gave me instructions and I listened. The way it manifested was by being more sexual than I would normally be, mostly in speech. There are probably others that I haven’t been so much aware of that manifested in more innocent ways.

I do remember when that demon left. As far as I know the one with my sister has not troubled her for a long time. It’s good to be aware of demons so you can put them back in their place when necessary. Some though, like my sister’s, are harder to get rid of for whatever reason. When they show up in your dreams it is very apparent because they try to hurt or kill you. I was taught to say, “Jesus”, when that happens and he comes.

This evening we went to the mall. It was me, Elianna, my niece, Laura, and her mom. My niece was wanting to get her ears pierced so the girls had come up with a plan for us to do this and then we would go out for supper afterward. We parked at Dick’s sporting goods and met and Laura and her mom by the central escalators. It’s sad because the mall is so empty these days. There were hardly any shoppers like there used to be.

When we walked over to Claire’s we looked at the earrings at the piercing station. My niece found the employee and told her she’d like to get her ears pierced. The girl came up and asked “who’s mom?”. Turns out there’s an Illinois law that says you can’t get your ears pierced without a legal guardian present. We also have a law where minors are able to get abortions without parental consent. Somebody explain that one please.

So we walked around for a while and then we all met my mother-in-law at McAllister’s. Laura showed us pictures that the landlady sent of their new apartment. The food was good and we all enjoyed it. Next we went over to Home Goods just to walk around and look. I picked up a shower liner so I could replace the one in the upstairs bathroom. It’s just fun to look around and see all the neat and pretty things you could put in a home.

Elianna, Zorro, and I took a walk on the bike trail. On our way to the mile marker was a bridge that crosses over great heights. When you look out you can see the tops of the trees. When you look down, I could barely bring myself to even do it. But I briefly looked down into the ravine and pondered. We kept on walking and several bikers passed by.

School is going well though it seems a minor thing at the moment. We had our class the professor and showed and watched and discussed our videos. I am very content since I’ve been seeing some clients and it’s exactly the kind of experience I knew I was needing and wanted. The future with Thrive always seems more unclear to me though he said I could stay there as long as I needed to. I haven’t heard anything more from Memorial.

I feel like for whatever reason I’ve already mourned the loss of being there. That it wasn’t for me, that it wouldn’t work out, that there’d be something else more God had in mind. A few times I pleaded with God to let me please be there, to let that be the place where I would get to grow roots. But now I am just grateful for the gift of the day.

“You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through.”
~Soren Kierkegaard~

Laura came over and we worked on some wedding things. She’s helping out with day camp on Mondays so when the kids go home Ethan usually gets his break and the two come up to sit on the couch for a while. It’s the time in the summer when staff tensions are high and people are physically and mentally more worn down. When you have that much effort that is being put out you need to have something that is also coming in.

After Ethan left we talked about furniture for their apartment. They have a loveseat from my mother-in-law’s cousin and she also volunteered to give them money for a bed. That’s all they have and I say this laughing. But when I ask her she doesn’t seem all that worried about it so I am wondering if it’s just one of those things they can figure out when they get there. We’ve looked around a little for a table/chair set and dressers.

I love Laura. It is not the same as a child where you share the joined history but there is a real love where you want what is best for them and work will toward that end. When you are living in community there needs to be an avenue for airing our grievances. It was my opinion that it would be helpful to sit everyone down in group format. Part of leading others is keeping them fueled and inspired and valued enough to be listened to.

I recently started reading this book called Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day-by-Day by Peter Scazzero. It is a 40-day devotional that aims to cultivate the discipline of stopping multiple times a day to take the time to be with God. He says it is based on an ancient practice called the Daily Office. I thought it was neat to read that the word office is related to the Latin word “opus” which means work. Being with God is our first work.

But before we even turned to him God was already there, thus loving us first. When I read that we love because God first loved us, I too have thought only in terms of a one-time action when Jesus laid down his life. This being loved first was not on the cross only, but happens each and every day whether we are aware of it or not. But how much greater when we are aware, with his day to day gifts of “There you are!”, when we stop.

It was a good weekend at work. Sometimes I can’t believe that I ended up with this weekend position on the easiest wing. It’d been nearly a year since I worked on the summer wing but I did a four hour 3-7 shift last week in order to cover for a woman who needed off for something with her daughter. You have to put the favors into the pool so that when you need off for something there are people who will help you.

It’d been one of my goals to be regularly covering on all three wings but I am actually very content where I am and do not necessarily feel the need to expand my skills. It happens naturally here and there as things come up, such as having to remove insulin from the stat safe and not only find the key and codes, but also make sure that it was the right kind of several insulins. You check and double check these types of things.

And even then check again. I still would not work the later portion of the summer shift. But this ended up working out because the woman who came on after me was able to cover for me for a few hours this weekend. I’ve been wanting to train with the main evening/night REACH nurse but there hasn’t been space in either my brain or my schedule to find the time or learn new things. That’s what it feels like to me at least.

I went to a homeschool co-op meeting and sat on a very uncomfortable bench for two hours. I told everybody that if we’re homeschooling this year then we’re doing Classical Conversations. The curriculum is good and includes at least one day a week of community involvement. But again as I sat there, I was unsure, as wonderful as all the people seemed. I was thinking I could volunteer my Tuesdays to help with child care.

But I am still going to have school next semester. I love the homeschooling, it’s such a passion of mine, and when I think that something is better I tend to go with the better option. It’s hard to justify paying money for the co-op option when I know I can do just as good of job for much lower. We can study cartography and read our novels, research the mammals and draw the pictures and do a better math program all on our own.

The math and Latin would be the hardest “strands”, and I’d be insistent to supplement with actual pre-Algebra so that they’re ready for the kind of math they’ll see in the upper grades and tests. But now these people have been really nice to me and this would be the second time I’ve turned them down after inquiring, meeting people, and attending meetings. I haven’t officially said no but those were just my initial thoughts.

Today I had the thought
to fix my eyes
on the wounds of Christ

To see them
look at them
and imagine them

as mine melt away.

I went to group again this morning. The woman I’ve started seeing was there, along with a woman whose been around since when I started. They form friendships at group and make plans to hang out with each other in their normal life time. One of the women was having a cookout at her house for the 4th and she’d invited the new woman plus another one of the regular group attenders to come over for an alcohol-less supper.

It’s sweet how they support each other. I told them both how I enjoyed and appreciated seeing them interact, particularly the way they made their plans and how they were working to be considering of each other as they figured each other out. There is that part of me that feels some fear with this relationship I have started with this new woman. Like perhaps it won’t work out with her or we don’t end up being a good fit.

But for now it’s going well. I’ve been quieter in group this week and prayed on the way there that I might be able to say something helpful or encouraging. After group I went upstairs and when he asked me, “So how was group?”, the lump that had been growing in my throat got even bigger until somehow I was crying in his office on the couch. He asked his standard question of, “What is coming up?” I told him it was these people.

And the struggles are going through. It wasn’t a lie but none of it felt like that was truly the thing exactly. He asked again if I had a therapist and I said not at the moment. He said if you don’t heal whatever it was that brought you here, then I’m not going to be able to help people because they’re going to keep bringing up my stuff (something like that). I said I had healed it and he brought up that I was having a very strong reaction.

Then it came to me what exactly it was. It was because I didn’t have what they had, the place to heal in community. That the suffering itself was long and isolated and the healing of that suffering was long and isolated. I only said the community part. Somehow all of this turned into me telling him about Jesus. Something he said in group made me think of it and say that Jesus was God who came to the earth in human form.

It was all so basic and elementary. How Jesus came to reconcile us to God and restore us to wholeness. That him dying on the cross was to pay the punishment of our sins, to take the punishment that we deserved but did not make us pay. There are sayings in the world like Christianity is about avoiding hell, but recovery is about being brought out of hell. He kept saying it sounds good in theory but what is the lived experience?

During the evening the staff was having a 4th of July party. Laura’s parents were there and another set of parents was there. Our friends who are divorced were there but one had to leave because it was eventually too much. Some of the staff had brought fireworks and they put on a show while the counselors and older adults sat on the hill.