Today we had church at the outdoor chapel. It was held for the Labor Day weekend campers. We had about 15 people there with me and the boys. It was nice to not have to go into town and to enjoy a slower Sunday morning. The weather has been so beautiful and fall-like here. Our summer had some hot and humid days but it once again didn’t seem too bad this year. Camp is so pretty during the fall.

Dad and the boys went back to church later since the boys wanted to be there for the 5th Sunday potluck. I didn’t go since I had to work later. On my work weekends I can be pretty protective of my space. I will go to church or cross country meets but that’s about it. Last night I had a trainee on the floor with me which made the night more exciting. You never know if they’re going to stay for long but it’s fun in the meantime.

The boys had their first cross country meet in Clinton. It was a night meet so I wasn’t able to be there. I looked at their schedule and because of school I’m going to miss most of their meets. Two of them I will be gone to watch Ethan. So it left like three meets that I’ll be able to go to during the season. The nice thing about getting this out of the way is that by track season I’ll be done and go to all of the meets.

I’ve been following a woman online for like 10ish+ years. At first she had a blog but then it turned into Instagram and then into a Substack account. At the time I was probably thinking we had a few things in common. She was a pastor’s wife and a verbal processor, so she had to write all her thoughts. They were working on a church plant and she was raising six kids and I don’t know, I just was curious for whatever reason.

She writes under the Substack name Locusts and Honey. In the past year or two she completed a master’s degree in a spiritual director program. She was planning to be a spiritual director and meet with people and somehow serve in the church. Except now her husband is back to pastoring a church (after taking a break for mental illness and other things) and she just signed on for a job at a coffee shop, unrelated to her degree.

So now she’s wondering why she is yet again back in some kind of service work. I was minorly relating to some of this but what really was standing out to me is how she will only post incomplete pictures of her face. You see her face and there is only half of it, or enough to even see a majority but with only one eye. She has a pretty face with two eyes. I am to the point now where it’s almost irritating to me that she keeps doing this.

But I don’t want to be a troll and be like, “Please stop posting only half of your face”. I have almost said it several times but I know it’s not coming from a loving place. To me it’s just screaming, “I don’t respect myself”. She’ll show her husband’s full face, her kids’ full faces, but very very rarely hers. Another woman recently told me about her tick toc account so I’ve been watching it feeling bad for her. There is a reason people do this.

You put yourself out there because in some way it’s a way to cope with whatever it is that is missing. For one woman it’s her Substack, for another it’s her tick toc, and for me it’s my blogs. It makes me laugh. Cannot we all be happy, sane people? I hope one day this woman will just show her whole face without the weird artistic need to keep cropping it off. But it’s not going to come from me saying it to her, that’s for dang sure.

It’s crazy to me how quickly camp goes from teeming with people to basically having no one around. The reason I thought of it is because one of the day camp counselors came out to visit with his girlfriend and her dog. It’s not that I’d forgotten he existed, but when you aren’t seeing people everyday they slip your mind. And then it was like, “Oh yeah, there was this whole summer program that happened where he was here.”

The first week back to school went well, second week for the boys. I’m tired but that comes with the system shock of change. Instead of group today I was out at the desk. I really liked the peace and quiet and lack of necessity to have to engage. Tasks themselves are not difficult, it’s just a matter of learning the specifics then repeating them. The billing is going to be the most complicated and I haven’t done any of that.

I made folders for new patients, answered emails, returned a few calls, copied a check and deposit slip and put it with the folder specifically meant for that day. The environment is very free of clutter but there were papers here and there that I collected to be looked at and thrown away. The rest of the time I started filling in my calendar with reading assignments and due dates. I registered for a video we have to watch.

When I came home my son was running outside. He’s finding his new normal and ways to keep himself busy. We drove in with Dad to the vehicle place where one of the vans is getting the rest of what it needs for the boys to be able to drive it to school. I’m planning to go see Ethan and Laura next weekend for his opening meet in South Dakota. We Facetimed them for the first time this week so that was fun to see them.

They’re walking to school while the weather is nice. Elianna and Grandma came over for supper. Elianna came earlier to take Zorro for a walk and a swim. He has this weird thing sometimes where he refuses to eat. I cleaned in the mudroom while Dad and the kids made the pizza. We’ve been making it lately instead of ordering it. Afterward the kids were very chatty. I was exhausted but it still was fun to spend that time together.

It’s been a busy past few days. Tuesday was terribly long with being at Thrive in the morning, coming home for ten minutes, and then heading out the door to meet Elianna at the Y. She’s the only person in the world right now I would’ve said yes to for that. So I walked a mile on the treadmill while she did her things. After that I showed her the leg press machine that I always used to do whenever we went for our family days.

So then I left from there to class, having two on Tuesdays from 3-8:30. It was too long of a day and I am still paying for it. Overall I think my classes should be pretty straightforward and not too difficult. For the two classes that had a syllabus online, there are no papers to write or anything crazy. For the one that was the group format, she didn’t have a syllabus done. I will have internship hours every day this week.

I’m not saying any of this thinking anyone cares. It sorts my brain out to verbalize how the days go, and clues me in to what stands out. I actually really enjoyed my two client sessions today. It really is an interesting service to give a person your full attention. There are times I catch myself spacing out for maybe seconds at a time. I start to daydream but thankfully realize I’m doing it and then will come back into things.

Today was our first day back at class. I decided to take this human sexuality class with the teacher from last semester, to be 100% honest, because it was highly probable that it would be easier. I’ve had my hard semesters and don’t have anything more to prove with those. The trauma class was going to have way too much writing.

It’s conducted with a group format which I absolutely love. My favorite class of them all would probably have to be Groups for the exact reason of having the 90 minute group sessions at the end of every class. There were 10 women in the class which I am glad for because I think we will be able to be a lot more open.

Something about group therapy is extra fun for me. One of the reasons I asked my Thrive supervisor about helping with some of the desk and computer work is because I felt like I’d pretty much done all I could with group. Not that you aren’t always developing but while I had the time I thought I could learn something else.

I still don’t know how that’s going to work out. Today I thought was my first day “on the job” training but there was another new intern there getting paper work and then he had a meeting with a social worker student for about an hour. I watered the flowers and swept the front porch and tried to sort through the emails.

I also had a client session plus two again tomorrow. Right now I am not interested in adding any more, unless for some reason this desk thing doesn’t work out and he doesn’t end up needing me there. I like being versatile in jobs but I need to have some sense of direction or else I start to get too anxious about it all.

Elianna and Zorro moved out to Grandma’s house this evening. It’s very different when they aren’t going far and essentially staying in town. Her room, like her brother’s, still has about a third of her stuff in it. My sister and I were talking about this yesterday and it came up as a joke that it was time to raise my standards. With two kids out, and two more who are not even here much of the day, it’s reasonable to expect a cleaner house.

Sigh. It’ll still have to wait. At this point I have it in my mind that when my children come to visit in future years then they will see how much things have changed and forgive me for my less-than habits. They will understand it was actually them and that I’ve been able to finally achieve some long held house goals, and they will be happy for me. That’s how I imagine it, where we don’t even remember or much think about those days.

We celebrated my mother-in-law’s birthday a few days late. We brought supper and dessert and did the dishes. Every time we’re there I notice the picture of Papa on the entryway table. It’s the one of him standing in the frame of the house. That he is missing all this, I feel like he would’ve just loved to be here and experience everything going on. To think of him and remember this way, I don’t suppose that will ever change.

This afternoon UIS hosted an orientation for the counseling program’s incoming cohort. They had sent out an email to current students looking for volunteers to be part of a panel. Five of us came today to be part of the Q & A session. Jane was there, along with another student who I am familiar with from classes. It was fun to share and be there.

I love the start of new school years. I am so ready for school to be done though, kind of. I still can’t believe it has taken me this long but the more I’ve done it this way, the more I appreciate being able to go slower and take in more experiences. Besides internship, the classes I have left are Research Methods, Foundations of Clinical Mental Health, and Sexual Dysfunction and Family Violence.

My energy levels are still very low since the wedding. Laura’s mom and I got together for tea yesterday afternoon and she said that she too had just been resting and sleeping. It always surprises me and simultaneously comforts to me to hear I’m not the only one who experiences life like this at times. I wouldn’t have expected it to be another way.

Laura seems to be feeling better. Ethan says she seemed almost back to normal which I can hardly imagine. She was invited to participate in the cross country camp social events but had been too sick to do so that was disappointing. One other teammate was also married this summer and the wife has reached out to Laura which is nice. They both still have two years left of college.

There’s a singles retreat going on here at camp over the weekend. There were 20-something young men and 5 young women. I was glad to hear so many had registered and also surprised to see so many of them were guys. When you’ve been married since early on you really have no context for what it’s even like to be without a life partner.

So hopefully someone there can find a person who is special. Matchmaking is not supposed to be the intent but I can’t imagine it not being on most if not all of their minds. While they were playing kickball the kids were cleaning up the kitchen. We made pizza tonight for supper and made it work with only two. The four kids were there which was nice. I know we talked but I can’t remember.

“We sense that something is missing in our lives and search the world for it, not understanding that what is missing is us.”
~Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness~

People coming out of addiction experience terrible suffering. When they let themselves experience it, it is almost too much to bear to where they have to 1) be honest, and 2) break their suffering down into parts. They have to somehow give it limits.

You have to suffer with people in a way that isn’t going to bring you all the way down. There is a healthy disconnection from any triumphs, struggles, or setbacks. It’s how to truly be with any person, you have to take yourself out of the messy equation.

Disappear for a while but not to escape. Fixate on your drugs to realize how they never served you. Want them all you want but only because you’ve had them for every pain, trial, and terror. Be free to live another day. Retrieve today, you will not drink.

Dad, the kids, and I went down to main camp to move the tables and chairs. I went with because I wanted to go along with them. It’s been just about a week and a half since the wedding. Ethan texted me this morning to tell me he’d taken Laura to the doctor and she’d tested positive for mono. She’s been feeling pretty sick the past couple of days.

It’s not that I thought it was funny, or even that I was worried. I just had this peaceful sense of “and so it begins” and told him to let me know if there was anything I could do from here. I’ve thought a couple of times, wanting to say it at various times over the past several days, that if they need anything that we’re here. But they know this already.

So once I heard she was sick that was pretty much all I needed to make it final to me that I needed to for sure and today let the Memorial thing go. There are enough things going on that I don’t need to be adding or juggling any extra thing that don’t really need to be going on. I also got an email from a woman from church who I’d reached out to.

So I wrote the email and that was that. It was like ripping off a sticky bandaid. I’m grateful that the Lord give us access to himself where we can pray for our loved ones and comfort each other with caring words. Laura’s mom misses Laura and hadn’t heard anything since the morning time either. Her son is doing better now after his surgery.

School went well today also. I’m using this week to help my son get established in his schedule and subjects. I told him earlier I was going to do something I’d never done before in a school year–to not order a single book. So he stopped me from ordering a great geography book this morning. He saved his math for last. “Tedious but satisfying.”

“We can never go back. We can only go on and on.”

~Joy Williams~

I feel like I’ve been going on and on about the kids. We were sitting on the couch this evening and I was like, “It happened. This is what they always said would happen where one day the kids are gone and it’s the two of you looking at each other wondering where all the time went.”

He said, “There’s still one right there”, pointing to the one on the couch with his book. I functioned enough to help move Elianna’s stuff to Grandma’s but the rest of the day I came home and slept, with the exception of switching out the laundry here and there. The boys were at practice.

Elianna was at a friend’s house for a birthday party and last night together before the friend leaves for college, out to Concordia Seward actually. I laid in bed and tried to find an appropriate video to show Wednesday for group.

I’ve been leading the recovery group while the instructor is in Hawaii. I am still trying to decide what to do about this Memorial thing because everyone I’ve talked to about it thinks it’s better to just let that go. But I really wanted to do it.

But if I am doing some of the secretarial stuff at Thrive, then I 1) do not need the hours, and 2) will not have much left to choose from when I consider needing days for individual sessions. I will also have to do homework at some point.

So I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’ve connected again with the supervisor at Memorial and was excited to go back there and maybe form some connections and get more experience where I could see how I’d changed.

And if I’m being honest there was that part of me that thought it could also be good for business. Like if they liked me there they would send their discharging clients to me. Thrive has had lots of patient referrals lately with no shortage of names.

And really, it’s like I wanted to be able to do groups as a freer person and away from the pressure of the supervisor’s shadow. Which I basically got to do by doing these groups without him there. It just feels like I can’t be totally sure.