“There is no season such delight can bring, as summer, autumn, winter, and spring.” ~William Browne~
Sometimes I like reading through my old journals just to see what random quotes I wrote down. It always impresses me how much I was reading, and how I seemed to read so much more in the throes of homeschooling even though it seems that now I have more time. Sometimes I read things and wonder where I was getting it from.
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Pride-the belief that you know so much as to do without the transcendent
Humility-deeply aware of your own ignorance *listening makes micro adjustments to one’s own self *the ultimate sacrifice is the continual sacrificing of self to God, guided by unshakable commitment to highest good
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This book about C.S. Lewis that I started reading last night repeatedly talks about the Joy, or longing for something beyond the world that meets the eye. I know this longing well. It makes the waters cooler, the grasses greener, the honey sweeter. It also makes the sorrow longer. Perhaps it never goes away. Not in this life.
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The boys are getting so big. I tucked them in tonight and sang to them, hoping to calm their energetic demeanors. I do not feel yet that motherhood has passed by fast, but I do see now how it, indeed, is passing by.
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There is one week left of school and truthfully, I am ready to be done. I am over all the struggles. I don’t like unpleasant situations. I am homeschooling because I believe it will make not only an eternal difference for my children, but also an earthly one. I just hope that I am not wrong, that all of this unpleasantness was not for nothing.
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Difficult and rich-this is what a person in an authentic maturation finds at the essence of it all-and it shows-both inside and outside, on the person who strives toward it. This we know, there is a noticeable difference between a considered life of depth and one based on phantasmagoric beliefs. On this journey toward “true home” though we may, from time to time, turn back to record or measure from whence we came, we do not turn back in order to turn back.
Once we get through the weekend I’m looking forward to hopefully getting back into a more normal routine. Last weekend and the entire summer was such a whirlwind, and I’m still kind of lingering in the after effects of everything, but I know that life does not slow down simply because something big just happened. The laundry room is still full of clothes and the freezer full of meals to be cooked. The extra gifts are still in our room.
In just the little I’ve worked with individual clients it’s interesting to me how the next step or thing in life will almost naturally appear. As they attune to the path they are on and start to hear more clearly the still small voice that is speaking to them, there is less confusion and more hope and peace. I am not the voice and I cannot hear what the voice is telling them. I can only help them to know it is there and ask what it is saying.
When I asked myself what the voice is saying it is something along the lines of “keep going”. Relationships come to mind that I still am needing to work on. Another week must pass by before I am able to continue with counting hours. Tests will be taken and classes attended. Kids will run races. I feel I’ve grown to be a patient person yet find it still hard to wait. I’m getting more comfortable with being still in the inbetween times.
I haven’t even mentioned when the cross country team was at our house for an hour. I told Ethan I wanted to fangirl over all of them and say all of their names. Ethan told me to please not do that. I don’t understand the thing inside that age of kids that gets kind of weird when their mother acts like she might also be a human person with feelings. It’s like I’m expected to be this perfectly matronly creature of wisdom and restraint.
So I didn’t do it, but I did speak to them every once in a while, at least in a more seemingly acceptable way. Like when Thomas drove in and I said, “Oh hi, Thomas!” and behind him in the next car were Aiden and Nate. The others came in before that and interrupted an overdue conversation Ethan and I were having. He later apologized for leaving so abruptly but I was not disappointed. I was grateful we’d taken the time.
So anyway. I feel like I’m slowly getting back to normal after everything. Emotionally I think I have leveled back out and physically I’m still pretty tired but getting there. We had Red Robin gifts cards so tonight we did that. Tomorrow we are planning to work on the peaches. Between the two parents we’ve heard a couple of times from the newlywed. Tonight was the Rockies game. I checked the game later. The Rockies had won 4-3.
Dad, the kids, and I went to the state fair this evening. They’d gone earlier in the day but I did not go with and stayed here with Zorro and continued to rest. The excitement of the past few weeks has had me running on adrenaline which had had me feeling wired and unable to nap or sleep well in the night. Each of the kids chose one ride and then I rode something with the leftover tickets. It was the kids mini-roller coaster and was fun.
The kids contributed their dollars. All of a sudden things got tight really quick over the summer. Between medical bills, tuition payments, Zorro’s surgery, another driver, new tires, increased taxes, and then the wedding, we made it all the way down to having almost no money. I have enough to pay my (hopefully) final tuition bill for the fall and then that’ll be gone and will have to be replenished with additional pay checks.
I’ve always figured I would only work part time but I don’t see a reason why I couldn’t work at least closer to full-time. Between the two jobs it shouldn’t be a problem at all. The pastor at our church is still out from his stroke and there’s been talk about trying to find a more permanent solution to cover his continued absence. He is healing but is still unable to work. So that might be something. However it works out the Lord will provide.
We’re having a staycation this week before the kids go back to school on Monday. I haven’t been much use for anything as the past two days have been spent on the couch, or walking outside, or in bed. Josh still has his board and committee meetings for the high school and continued building planning. The boys have had cross country practice the past two evenings. Elianna has been packing up her things to move out.
I still have Thrive things but next week won’t have as much. I see it in my own immediate family right now how as times goes on it gets harder to synchronize everyone’s plans. This is something I’ve been thinking about looking back on the wedding. It meant so much to me, and it was so rare and special, to have all of my family there for this special occasion. I can only imagine that as years go on and life happens this won’t be the case.
I want to go to every graduation, every wedding, every bridal shower I’m invited to for our nieces and nephews. I want to go to the games of my nieces in St. Louis. No person is unimportant and the presence of others matters. It was such a joy to have every single person here over the past several days. It can feel like time is ending but really, as long as we are here, we can still our spend time in so many ways that are meaningful.
Swimming with siblings and cousins the night beforeBachelor party at main campBachelor party at the lakeThe girls at the retreat centerPainting on canvases Stopping on the beach trail
People talk about putting away your phone and being present in the moment. I had my phone with me up to a point and then I set it down in the arts and crafts building and didn’t pick it back up until sometime before the reception. I understand the point of not being distracted but for me, taking photos is a way that I enjoy and enter into a moment. It’s driving me nuts that I don’t have more pictures of my own from the day.
Many of the details are already fading from memory. The groomsman were here getting ready in our room. I put a few things in our closet, vacuumed the rug, and just told them that they could get ready in there. Besides Miles who was a high a school friend, and one of my sons, the rest of the groomsmen were friends from camp. Laura’s brother was supposed to be also but his spot was given to another camp friend, Logan.
I can’t tell you how many times that child gave me a heart attack. I will never forget the time somewhere in the 2018-2019 range when they were at our house and Logan stood on the railing of our second story deck. He was facing the deck with his back to the terrifying drop below. I looked at him and spoke very slowly and carefully, saying “Logan, I love you. Get down.” I mean there’s something about those kids that you like.
But boy. So then the photographer and her daughter came over as well as the videographer who was Laura’s dad’s brother. I didn’t know they were coming. The boys were all sitting in the living room chilling without much care in the world. Ethan had just gone into the shower and not a soul was in their wedding clothes. All I could think was, “My house smells like cat and all these people are in here.” But I had to just deal with it.
So I asked the lady if she could come back in 20 minutes. So by the time she came they were pretty much dressed except for their ties. I told her she could go back to our room where Ethan was getting ready. His dad helped him with his hair but he still wasn’t happy with it. He has a full head of hair that he doesn’t normally try to style or pay attention much to how it looks. I played with it but overall I thought it looked very nice.
He looked so handsome in his suit. Just unbelievably so. At some point I went back into the living room where the rest of the groomsman had moved to.
When Ethan was done getting dressed the photographer wanted a picture of me adjusting his tie. We stood by the window because that’s where the light was.
This whole stretch was one of my favorite parts because I wasn’t expecting it and had to improvise and go with the flow. The priority was getting these boys dressed and looking sharp and out the door for their pictures.
Oh my goodness, where do I start. I don’t have words yet to describe how special and wonderful the wedding day was. First and foremost, I want to say thank you to God for the beautiful weather. There was absolutely nothing we could do about it however it was going to turn out. But the day was sunny with a more than light breeze which made the not too bad heat even that more less noticeable. The winds made the trees sing.
But you could still hear everything. When Laura walked down the aisle I did not look at my son. I know that’s what people do, they look at the groom to see what his reaction is to her. I wanted to look but I was in the front row on the end and I didn’t want to be disrespectful to Laura as she was walking down looking beautiful and radiant, to no surprise. But people told me he was grinning from ear to ear and looked very happy.
And how that’s just kind of how he looked the whole time. I just could not stop smiling, thankful he so happy. I had told him before he walked me down the aisle to the front, that if he felt any emotion, that it’s okay, just let it show. I was imagining like if he were to get choked up when he saw he not to hold it back but just to let people see it. I wasn’t even thinking about the emotion of happiness or that it would be the one to see.
I did not cry the entire day. I didn’t really feel a need to. The day before I’d cried a lot after we had gotten home from the rehearsal. It was the feeling you get when something special is over and something that you have been looking forward to and putting effort and time toward. Like, it just happened so fast and then it was over and people were gone again and the building was empty. The colors, the pictures, the love.
So then I thought, well maybe that was it? Like maybe I’d gotten it out and wouldn’t have to worry about it again the next day. Throughout the day I was basically calm and relatively free of any nervousness. Instead I just felt warm and at peace in the world. There are so many details I don’t want to leave out. The only time I sort of cried was when the couple had left, and I walked back in and saw all of the work Laura had done.
The details she had worked so hard on through the week. The signs, the cakes, the seed packets, the bouquets. Like, you really can put your heart and soul into something and them some. And you do it because you want to and because love is pushing you forward. I think the river of life is going to be made when the tears of the saints are crying final tears of joy at the sight of God’s remade world. “Finally”, we will say at last.
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Nothing New by Brandon Lake
It feels like all the songs have probably all been sung But I wanna bring you something true Something that moves you I don’t have all the words To tell you how much you’re worth But I wanna bring you something true Something that moves you
From the dawn to the dusk of my days From the depths of my soul, and with all of my strength Here is my heart in just one phrase “I love you, I love you, I love you” When I say it, I mean it, it’s true And I hope you can see it in all that I do I know it might be nothing new But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
Now I’m sure the angels sing beautiful melodies But I wanna bring a song that’s mine For the rest of my life Oh, I wanna bring a song that’s mine For the rest of my life
From the dawn to the dusk of my days From the depths of my soul, and with all of my strength Here is my heart in just one phrase “I love you, I love you, I love you” When I say it, I mean it, it’s true And I hope you can see it in all that I do I know it might be nothing new But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
All it took was a little flame, a little flame All it takes is a little faith, a little faith What a joy, what an honor that I can say I get to wake up to your beautiful face All it took was a little flame, a little flame All it takes is a little faith, a little faith What a joy, what an honor that I can say I get to wake up to your beautiful face
From the dawn to the dusk of my days From the depths of my soul and with all of my strength Here is my heart in just one phrase “I love you, I love you, I love you” When I say it, I mean it, it’s true And I hope you can see it in all that I do I know it might be nothing new But I love you, I love you, I love you, I do, oh!
Oh, I love you, I do And it’s nothing new, but still I choose, I love you I love you I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
It’s hard to believe we’re at this point now already. Today was a more relaxed day with the tasks winding down. Ethan and I left in the morning to find Laura a wedding gift. They had decided to get each other a gift to exchange that was somewhere between $35-45. Dad and I contributed to ideas. We managed to find everything in one store. After that I picked up pictures at Walgreens and something for lunch at County Market.
Laura moved out of her house yesterday. She’s got her car packed with the rest of their gifts that have still been trickling in since we moved their stuff to Nebraska. On Wednesday her brother called and said he was going in for surgery to get his appendix taken out. Last night he called to say he wasn’t coming to the wedding. We are hoping/praying that he will feel better tomorrow and perhaps change his mind.
My sister arrived with her family around 11PM. Before that Ethan, Laura, her sister, and I went down to the dining hall to practice our dances. She is going to look very beautiful and he will be as equally handsome. The nerves and feels are starting to get to me and I imagine they will start to be getting to more of us soon. The rehearsal is in the morning followed by the meal at the retreat center with the fellowship and slide show.
Laura spent the day in the dining hall still working away. Her mom and dad had other things but this was the day for making the cakes. So she used the camp kitchen and spent the morning doing that. When I came in later she was on the floor hot gluing mini lights to the name board that is supposed to go on the photo backdrop. The lights were not lighting up the letters enough so she was going to have to paint the background a darker color.
Later I walked in again and she was writing their names on the chalkboard. I said, “Laura, you could have a business doing this.” That’s how amazingly talented she is. She said she told her mom that she was never doing this again, that it was one thing to do it for their wedding, but she didn’t think she’d have the same passion for someone else’s. I knew exactly what she meant. Sometimes the work we do is a one time grace for a point in time.
We had our family night. For supper we went to Cancun and spent some time trying to have more meaningful conversation. Once we were back at camp we took Zorro and all went down to the lake. Zorro was off his leash and loved running around. After that we went back to the house. I talked with Ethan and Laura outside. We eventually all ended up taking these fun music quizzes on YouTube where you guess songs played from certain decades.
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