It was another good day of getting things ready. Laura spent the majority of the time fine tuning the dining hall. There have been three later RSVP’s since she made up her seating chart, so it was decided those names weren’t going to be on the board. I keep thinking of people that I can’t believe we didn’t think to invite. One of the couples I feel like could’ve really hurt somebody’s feelings. There’s no way to get everything perfect.

We tested out the candles and had to remove the tiny pebbles from the tea lights. Something about them suffocated the flame. But once we did that they all shined brightly. Josh, Elianna, and I went to County Market and picked up some lunch. We brought it back and had a lunch break together. It’s was Laura’s dad’s birthday so he went first through the line. Even dads need those special times to be honored.

I was in bed much of the day trying to rest off the fatigue and a nagging sore throat. Dad and the boys fixed the altar in the outdoor chapel which was torn up for the homecoming and had to be put back together. I made a second list with my own fine tuning of the remaining things. Earlier in the morning I finished Ethan’s book which I was grateful to have completed. I’m just grateful for everything and all of the help.

Today was decorate the dining hall day. The two families worked for most of the day, about 9:30-5. Elianna was with Miles and his parents taking Miles back to college. He has to be there early for soccer and this week they have their team warm-ups and practices. He’s supposed to be able to run a sub 12 minute 2-mile run. Last year he was one of three teammates out of at least 20 or more who could do it.

The coach wasn’t happy. So maybe more will be able to do it this year, I don’t know. He’s going to wait until after the 2-mile to remind the coach that he is supposed to miss multiple practices this coming weekend for the wedding. Either that or he has to go back and forth and that just doesn’t make sense. It was cool to see the tables come together with the names, decorations, and runners down the middle.

The exhaustion from the past few days of busyness is catching up with me. There are things I need to do still but I’m feeling grateful that for the most part I have not been feeling super stressed. I asked everyone tonight if we could plan a family night sometime this week, or maybe even a family day. There is that instinct still to want to grasp and hold on to the time, but with more awareness of its futility.

I went down looking for Casper this evening. Earlier this afternoon he’d had an incident at the lake where the boys put him on a boogie board closer to the dock and he jumped off. He was swimming in the water and I was shouting at the boys to get him because surely them jumping in when they were right there would’ve been a hundred times faster than me running to get him all the way from the canoes. They finally got him.

So he was soaking wet and I wasn’t sure if he’d swallowed any water or gotten more in his ears. He wasn’t down at main camp but I finally found him at the beach. He was napping in one of the donated boats. He stood up and jumped out of the boat and I was very happy I’d found him. So I carried him back up the beach path and brought him inside to get food. Dad was sitting on the couch so he saw me and said make sure he gets put back outside.

I just feel like he should get some special treatment after going through that. Besides that we had a good time at the lake. The campers and staff are gone now, but not before several of them helped us get things set up in the dining hall so Laura can come and start the decorating tomorrow. Elianna and I went out this evening because we still needed shoes. She’s going to borrow some. I’m just going to wear my rehearsal ones.

Today was the 75th anniversary of camp. They’ve been planning this celebration for well over a year. Josh and I were support staff during the year of the 50th anniversary and it was a big deal of people buzzing all around in the dining hall and enjoying the day. Today was similar. There was a great turnout, due in part to the fact that God blessed the day with beautiful weather and milder temperatures. We were grateful for that.

Someone recently asked me if living here has allowed me to keep the same love for camp. He was one of the support staff when Josh and I were counselors and comes each year with his wife who he met here. They bring their girls for the weekend parent camp. In my memory, people of the opposite sex who I knew from before tend to be remembered through one of two categories. Did I have a crush on them or no?

This one I did not because he was too young. And while looking at him and talking not a single thing had changed beneath the beard and extra pounds. He was still the same person, except now he is a science teacher and has been the principal of a public school system and all kinds of neat things. But in pondering his question I didn’t know how to answer at first. I ended up saying that yes, living here has allowed me to keep the love.

My answer was rushed. Thinking about it now I do not think that was fully true. I do not think or speak anymore about how much I love camp. Instead I think and speak about how I appreciate camp. I appreciate the role it has played in my life and my kids’ lives. Recently I asked my kids what the best thing about their childhood was or has been so far. All five of them listed camp as their number one best thing. I appreciated that.

When I came to work here camp was (at first) an escape from my home life. I didn’t even ask my parents’ permission. I just called the director one afternoon and told him I’d be there Wednesday. I chose camp over my family when they decided to change churches and I decided to stay Lutheran so I could keep working here. The biggest disappointment in living here has been how many people from then never came back.

This dad who I was talking to said it probably makes a difference if both parties had a connection to camp or not. I’d never thought of that before and then it made a lot more sense. When only one would’ve known camp, it’s easy to see how something would get lost in the shuffle and busyness of life and marriage. You bring things into your marriage that stay, but you also bring things in that along the way get left behind.

My son and I were at the beach from 2-4 during the auction time. He played with a camp friend and I sat on the dock with another friend and chatted about life while helping kids in and out of their boats. After that we went up to change and head down to the dining hall. It was wonderful to see so many cars and people. Josh and I went through the line to get our food and we sat and ate with another church/camp mom.

Eventually it was time for chapel where Josh was leading the church service. I sat with my nieces and three of my sons. Zorro even made an appearance up on the hill. After that was an Echelon concert which was very fun. I was so ready for bed when everything was all over but then they announced that there was still the campfire time with smores if people wanted. I heard the kids singing in the pavilion. I walked over and sat down.

And then I started singing with them. It was always hard to decide, but the best part of camp besides the being at the lake was the dancing and singing of happy worship songs during the morning indoor chapel time. My kids were all there, even the one still feeling sick. My husband was around somewhere too. And all these wonderful people singing were there, and it made no difference who we were. They were my siblings, my family.

“We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.”
~Mother Teresa, Words to Love By~

In the therapy world (this drives me nuts) we’ll say thing to people like “drop into your body”. I can’t think of anything more vague and unhelpful. But ideally what I think it’s supposed to mean is to take a moment to turn your focus toward something other than the thought tape going on in your head. Notice your chest rising. It rises and falls with the breaths I am taking. Stay there for a while. Appreciate what is happening there.

Some books will have you place your left hand on your chest and your right hand on your lower belly, either over or just below the belly button. Your hands are now ears, like a stethoscope being used to listen. To those places you can say, “What is happening here?” We really do live so disconnected from the deeper parts of us. We can wait for someone to notice while misery fills in the gaps. Or we can listen to and with our bodies.

Until it’s no longer misery filling those spaces. The mind quiets down and pays attention to something else, it can listen, it can hear, it can speak to those places. “What you’re feeling now is old”, is what my mind would say to me and does. Every time you love it fills the gap a little more. The ruts that exist with raw exposure smooth out slowly, but not before the old is seen and felt again and heard, and spoken to with healing love.

I didn’t know whose job it was going to be to do it but somebody was going to have to go get the power washer from Grandma’s garage and spray off the scum that’s been growing on the front of the house all summer. If all of these people are supposed to be driving by our house tomorrow it will at least have the decency of looking somewhat maintained. So Elianna picked it up and Dad and a few of the kids helped get that done.

It does look better now. I made two phone calls today for emotional support. The first was to my aunt who I called in the morning. The second was to my mom who I called in the afternoon. Sometimes you just feel like nobody gets it and like there is no one there to encourage you or bear you up when you need it. Or even just to be present. So I was glad they were able to be there and talk. This culture, this lonely, isolated way, it’s too much.

It’s not enough. Laura came over while I was vacuuming the ottoman. It was actually kind of funny because it was the big vacuum I was using. I sometimes like having the vacuuming cat lady mom role but I actually do like the gentle mother in law role too. She was doing well and feeling pretty good and calm about things. She’s worked so hard to make things ready I just pray that it can be a wonderful, beautiful day for them and all.