“Free me from a divided life that I might be the same person on the inside that I am on the outside.”
~Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Relationships (devotional prayer)~

I resonate with this but I would change around the words. Instead I would say, “Free me from a divided life that I might be the same person on the outside that I am on the inside.” That is my struggle and where I feel the oppression. For as much as I think I am an open and vulnerable person, there are a lot of things I refrain from saying. There are a lot of ways I hide myself and refuse to come forward as my truest, most genuine self.

Two recent experiences come to mind. Over the weekend at work there was an incident on another wing where a resident needed an antibiotic. It needed to be administered through the PICC line in his arm which is something that in this facility, only RN’s are qualified and authorized to do. The evening staffing includes one nurse per wing. The two most difficult wings were being covered by LPN’s who could not hang antibiotics.

There is some sense in all of this. The 30+ year LPN has more experience in skills and assessment than the less than 5-years of experience RN who has been more comfortably working in long term care for coming up on two years. Long story short, I had to spend an hour sorting out a situation where a resident didn’t get his antibiotic because part of his PICC line was broken off and his daughter had tried to fix it herself.

And in my head there was this part of me that was like, “This is an easy fix. All we need to do is replace the injection port with our own port taken from the in-house supplies.” But stuffed on top of all of that was 1) the initial lack of enthusiasm over having to mess with another person’s problem, 2) The fear of not wanting to screw something up, and 3) the lack of comfort, confidence, and knowledge in how to use the facility’s IV pumps.

The second incident occurred at Thrive. I thought I was a doing a new patient assessment for a person wanting to begin individual therapy services. He walked in–a black man. Immediately my heart sunk thinking this could be the day I died. But somewhere in me also is a person who does not see color, not as a reason to fear or favor a person. He wasn’t coming for therapy. He needed a mental health assessment.

Which he had willingly submitted to do for some authorities. I’m thinking, gulping, “This is not what I am here for, I don’t even know if I am qualified to do this.” And I again I faced the same thing, 1) the initial lack of enthusiasm over having to do this task, 2) the fear of being killed by the man, and 3) the lack of comfort, confidence, and knowledge of how to officially do a mental health assessment that someone else is going to read.

Namely, whatever authorities need to read it, and also my supervisor because he is the one who has to sign it. And I was mad at him for putting me in this un- asked for situation. And I still have not, on my own, ever uploaded the new patient info from the computer system and had it go smoothly without any issues. And thankfully he was free in his office to be able to show me what else I needed to do or it would’ve been left out.

One time in group he said to a patient, “Show me a woman who does not expect a man to be the hero, and I’ll show you a woman who’s done an awful lot of work.” That sounded pretty cliche to me. But then I thought about more, wondering, “How do I expect the man to be my hero”? The main thing I came up with is that we (I) can expect for men to have an unlimited, superhuman capacity to deal with our (my) bull@*&^.

Because if they (he) can deal with my weakness then that means they (he) love(s) me. And people have shown up for me, and people have tolerated me. And somewhere inside of me is this person who wants to show up more truly to my genuine abilities. To say, “You know what, I’ve got this, and I will do a good job.” And then in turn whatever it is I do will help a person, and they will be able to rest easier because the load is halved.

The CNA held the phone while I Facetimed with the nursing supervisor on call and she talked me through how to program the pump. She would come in the morning to replace the dressing and re-enter the orders to make adjustments for the time. Maybe I will be able to do that another time without it being a bigger deal but for now I was relieved that she would handle it herself and that I still could be there in the meantime.

I generally try to not write when I feel like this but I did not follow that particular rule this time. I just have not been myself and have felt horrendously depressed and more emotional for days. The waterfall of tears keeps coming and it’s like sometimes they’re holy and sometimes they’re not, like it’s this combination of just ruthlessly saying whatever I want and then later regretting it, and trying to find my way back to sanity.

People with cancer will endure the chemotherapy because they have the willingness to trade temporary discomfort and hardship for the chance that the hell they will go through will give them a second chance at life. Yes we are wired to avoid pain and discomfort, but given a higher cause and a noble reason, we will choose to endure pain and even knowingly walk into it if it means somehow, somewhere, God can make it clear again.

That analogy falls apart when the chemotherapy ends up killing people. In one case chemo was a healing agent, and in another it was the opposite. So I don’t know sometimes when the human will is submitting to something it doesn’t need to submit to, or when I’m just foolishly believing that the killing agent is going to heal me. Like I don’t even know what this is, or why I keep believing that God is sealing up my heart.

“The Lord answered Moses, ‘Is the Lord’s arm too short?'”
~Numbers 11:23~

The boys had a cross country meet at Lincoln Park this morning. We arrive early so I decided to walk the course. The kids unanimously agree that this course is not to be desired. None of them like it, and in fact, they think this course sucks or is terrible or however one would like to describe it. But I’ve only stayed one side and never ventured across the way because I was not able to at one time, or it would weaken me too much.

It still weakens me. And I temporarily have lost my ability to nap before work. So I am writing instead about the devotional I read this morning where the Israelites were weeping because they didn’t have any meat. This completely stresses out Moses because he doesn’t know what to do with them. God tells he will put his Spirit on other men so that there will be others to help him and that he will also send some meat.

I’m not sure if the above verse was in reference to the provision of the elders or sending of the meat that will eventually make the Israelites wish they’d never once complained. But the whole thing was convicting me about a stupid sadness I’ve been feeling about starting over on the career ladder and going to school for four years to not have even gotten ahead…yada yada yada. The Israelites are really good at showing us how we

sometimes need an attitude check. Like, if this road is the place where God has brought me then why am I wondering, comparing, or feeling sorry about money or being another pawn in the system who is being forced to conform. Would not God have a plan that would somehow be a blessing to me, whatever that looks like? Like if I am killed and never work it doesn’t mean it was all a waste. God still used me and gave me a life.

I talked to Ethan and Elianna during the races. Both are now the veteran runners with plenty of advise, words of wisdom, and sympathy. I didn’t camp at the horrendous hill this time. Instead I was over by a shaded flat land underneath a row of pine trees. Dad kept his spot running back and forth across the land. Grandma was there in her chair cheering the runners on the school camp. Somewhere the cloud of witnesses cheered.

Zorro is gone at a board and train program. My brother’s friend is a dog trainer and gave us a half price deal for him to stay there for a month. Elianna was up there for a few days at the beginning and was able to attend some training sessions each day. This eventually came about because Zorro had started showing aggressive behaviors toward everyone in the household except for Elianna. Again, I don’t know anything about dogs.

Why we chose a working dog breed that is capable of killing is not something I was particularly aware of or thinking about at the time. So that’s a whole thing and I’m just hoping that this will work out and he can be integrated rather seamlessly back into a family life, however that looks for him. Growling, barking, and being protective are what we want in certain contexts but I’d really prefer he not do it to me, Josh, or the kids.

Or anybody else for that matter. I don’t know. How this doesn’t disrupt the dog and owner’s bond is not something I can wonder about right now. It was still a pretty awful day in terms of being debilitated by the news and thinking people are terrible. It doesn’t happen very often but I can feel a real disgust toward the human race at times where I can feel like certain people are not worth helping and it seems pointless/foolish to try.

I realize no one needs my negative energies being forwarded. I just don’t now why, that when it comes down to it, so much of what we do with our times and lives just does not seem to matter. Things like killings and assassinations happen and you just want to live under a rock and never enter the world again. And even when you’re just trying to live your peaceful and quiet life you still have to deal with a s***** world that’s too much.

Okay I know I’m being hopeless. This too shall pass and people will forget and we’ll eventually bounce back and we will keep moving on, as Jesus promised, with our lives.

Arya and I were in group together today. I like it so much better when there are other students there. She and Alexis are close friends. I do feel kind of silly driving past them in my minivan when we get out of our Monday or Wednesday class. I truly do not like having to walk to my car after classes or in-between Tuesday ones, especially once it gets cold and totally dark. It definitely does not have the same safer feel as Lincoln.

After group we went up for the processing that actually took almost the full hour this time. Arya stays at Thrive for a full 8 hours. I have no idea how she does it, the boredom and loneliness were way too much. We went back downstairs and I showed her how to chart group. We searched through the cabinet for one of the patient files.

The news was particularly awful today. They even mentioned things in class and we were let out a half hour early. Not because of the news but because there was nothing more to talk about. I walked to the car alone again and was glad to be going back home. I just wanted to be with my family and somewhere I could ride out the building wave of emotion. The news and the people affected me more this time for whatever reason.

The house is quieter these days. I have never in my life, since my memories began, lived in a house that was not busy and full of people. Maybe I’m missing an exception somewhere. But overall the point stands. The big kids are even bigger and the little kids do not exist anymore. People have joked about being a grandma and I think I can see why people think it’s so wonderful. I will not have a special name. I’ll just be grandma.

It makes me laugh out loud to type it. I’ve got my schedule figured out where I at least have Tuesday mornings off for homeschool time. Instead of history this year my son is working on Geography. I stole the idea from the Classical Conversations handbook that I had momentarily where the 7th graders are tasked with labeling everything continent, country, and capital along with rivers, oceans, and lakes. At the end of the year they are supposed to draw a map of the world.

So I already had a geography book for him to use. It only has the maps and the names of whatever you’re supposed to label. It does not provide a picture where things are already filled in. So we went country by country through Eastern Europe. I always thought I was good at geography. But I didn’t know where the Danube River was or Albania or Serbia. It’s so crazy to think I’ll probably never even set eyes on these places.

The last thing he said to me on Wednesday was something like, “On Monday I will have time to train you.” So I showed up in the morning thinking that might be what was going to happen but also understanding that things can change. I walked in and he asked if I had my tax papers, which I did, but I wanted to talk to him about that first. He said he wanted to talk to me about that too, that doing the 1099 is going to be a better deal.

The 1099 is the form we fill out to get paid for the clinical work. I haven’t been getting paid for that because 1) I wasn’t seeing enough people to make the paperwork hassle seem worth it, and 2) It doesn’t feel right to be getting paid for what doesn’t feel like all that much work. The balance is still very heavy in his direction where he is the one giving and I am the one, from my perspective, already being paid just from being there.

(I didn’t say that)

So now I don’t have to worry about desk work because he hired an 18-year old nursing student who used to work for him two years ago. She is apparently brilliant and very organized. So that was a relief to me because the whole thing was causing me too much anxiety. Yes I could’ve learned it, but in the meantime I will just focus on not slacking and developing better habits with the Compulink software and the charting processes.

Because at some point I’m not going to have the student excuse. So instead of learning how to do daily reports I brought up my issues, which basically went fine until I brought up the Buddha heads. I had not felt self-conscious about it until I was in there with another Christian. If the downstairs room is going to be my office, how much freedom do I have in arranging or changing the decor? I have a Bible verse wall art piece in mind.

That’ll have to be a talk for another day if it comes to that. So I went downstairs and waited for the client who I realized at seven minutes past the hour had sent me a text on Thursday saying she was going to have to reschedule her Monday appointment. How I missed that, how I can’t seem to get it right no matter how much I try to change and try…So for 50ish minutes until the next person I took notes while researching DBT.

I’ve still been reading the devotional Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day by Day by Peter Scazzero. I’ve found good words in here including a shortened/adapted version of something called the “Compassion Meditation Prayer”. I can find myself again hitting blocks of unforgiveness inside me, but I didn’t even have a willing spirit in those places. I’ll think to myself, “It’s because this part of me was deadened.” But it can come back.

May you be happy, may you be free
May you be loving, may you be loved
May you know the fulfillment of what God has planned for you
May you experience God’s deep profound love for you
May Jesus Christ be formed in you
May you know his peace that passes all understanding
May all good things be yours
May Jesus’ joy be in you and may that joy be complete
May you know the Lord in all his goodness and compassion
May you be protected from the evil one amidst every temptation that comes your way
May the Holy Spirit fill and permeate your entire being
May you see his glory
May you be forgiven of every sin
I forgive you of every wound and hurt with all my heart
May God’s goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life

(Original prayer by William A. Meninger)

My son and I woke up around 8:28AM. I was thinking how surprised I was to sleep in that long. I sat up and stretched my back and arms. He said, “Weren’t we supposed to be down for breakfast right now?” I said, “Oh my goodness, yes”, remember then the conversation we’d had with the hostess about what time to have breakfast. I figured I’d be up around 6 and we’d have plenty of time to be on time for the morning.

It was no big deal. So we ate our French toast with sausage and coffee and powdered sugar sprinkled across the plate. I was glad we stayed here so he could have a different experience. Hotels are fine and I don’t mind them at all, but there’s something different about being able to eat breakfast in an old-fashioned home that is full of antiques.

After breakfast we both worked on school. We did that for a while until we were finished. Then we walked to campus and walked around there. He wanted to know if we were allowed be doing this. Thinking about it, it did seem weird that you just walk onto a campus with no reason to be there other than you’re on a walk. We were also there to see students, and I told him we were parents, or at least I was, so it was okay to do so.

We walked to the campus center where Ethan and Laura were eating lunch. We hadn’t planned to meet them but I did remember hearing them say they’d be meeting up between classes. So we talked to them for a while and then Laura had to leave for class. Ethan had more time so we went to Walmart for deodorant. I’d forgotten to bring mine. My son and I picked out snacks for the car ride. I bought Ethan and Laura a gift card.

We dropped him back off at school and drove back to the bed and breakfast. I took my son to get some lunch and I ended up getting something too. We ate in our room and then I told him I would need to take a nap before we left. After that we met at the apartment where we left around quarter to four. It was me, my son, and Laura, plus one of the camp kids who at the last minute joined our plans. It was fun to have him.

We made it to South Dakota and it was such a fun meet.

When it was all over we drove home.

My son and I are visiting Ethan and Laura in Nebraska. We left a little after 8AM and made the 8 hour trip. That’s about how long it is if you include two stops. I had this trip planned since the beginning of the year since it’s easy to know when this meet is going to be. Leading up to coming here I’ve been slightly dreading the drive. Before when I came, I stayed the night in Sioux Falls. This time we’re driving back after the meet.

It’s three and a half hours to Sioux Falls from Seward. So I’m picking up Laura around 3:30 when she is done with school. Then we will drive up for this meet and the college men’s race at 9PM. Do you ever make plans and then later as it gets closer you start to think, “I wasn’t really thinking this through…” I would just stay but then you run into the issue of hotel rooms. None of us really have the extra money for extra rooms.

Well anyway. We arrived around 4PM and checked into our bed & breakfast. It’s this cute old house where Elianna and I stayed. No one else is here so we have the place to ourselves. We ate supper at the apartment and then played the game, “Sounds Fishy”. It was fun until the very end when there was a slight interpersonal snag which I’m pretty sure resulted in hurt feelings. I don’t think it’s necessary to bite your tongue every time.