Tonight was Halloween. Earlier in the evening were talking about how we didn’t have any kids around to take trick or treating. The high school boys were at one of the church trunk or treats handing out hot dogs with their cross country team. We asked our son if he wanted to dress up and go. He said sure. So he put on his leather jacket, sunglasses, and bandana and dressed up as a biker. We went to the church trunk-or-treat.

So that was nice. I told my husband we were going to have to adopt some kids, like a sibling group, or at least become foster parents. He wasn’t completely against the idea. When I asked about a puppy he said it would probably at least have to be a few years. On a more serious note, I don’t know how adopting kids would not somehow take away from your ability to be there for the kids you already have. I want to be there for them.

We went to IHOP for supper. The food was good and it wasn’t crowded at all. Earlier in the day I’d tried to find my taller Christmas tree to decorate it with the orange lights. I could only find the short ones so I didn’t end up decorating anything. So I went ahead and got caught up on my homework. We have access to some TV through YouTube so we watched the World Series game which was fun all snuggled up on the couch.

The ground is so dry there are cracks in it everywhere. You don’t notice it unless you’re up on the athletic field and everywhere you step are giant cracks. It’s kind of how my mind feels when it thinks about homework. On Fridays I don’t have any school so I am planning on sitting down and getting the rest of my things figured out. I’m a little behind on a few assignments but it seems like all the teachers are just as behind these days.

I was at Thrive in the morning and by the time I was finished I was seriously doubting whether or not I wanted to do this. There had been too much exposure to or discussion about drugs. There are people all over this town using drugs, and while it really disturbs me, it does make me appreciate the sheltered life I have lived here. I can remember learning about drugs in school and thinking, “Who even does this?”

When I was shopping for a coat I saw drug users everywhere. At some point though I realized that I was operating in what they call “a state of depletion”. You’re much more likely to feel discouraged, tired, or overwhelmed when that’s the case. So that made me feel better to realize that’s all it was, and I went for a walk and enjoyed our conversation at supper. Dad and the boys were laughing about movies and I added my two cents.

I knew when I signed up for this somatic practitioner certification course that the timing wasn’t going to be great. The assignments are due by November 20thish, including a 1-page book summary, 2-3 sentences about each of the 30ish exercises we are supposed to practice on ourselves, 7 graphing/writing exercises about stresses and coping strategies, and four online sessions with a stranger and fellow student.

For two of the lessons you are the practitioner, and for the other two you are the practice client. We had our first two lessons yesterday. I’m with a woman from New York City who used to be an actress and model. So that was pretty interesting. Now that we’ve each done our assessments, we have to come up with a somatic care plan that is tailored to the individual who has real life pains, aspirations, and anxieties.

My son and I Facetimed Ethan and Laura this evening. We talked about the World Series and casually talked/visited for a half hour. Dad was at his school meeting. The bigger kids went to Grandma’s house after school and hung out there until it was time for youth group in Auburn. I still made two tator tot casseroles because there would still be three of us eating and the rest could still be used for leftovers and lunches.

“When deconstruction narratives happen, there is usually at least a pretense of a more intellectual shift. What Hatmaker is offering is a more primal narrative: “I left the tradition of my past not primarily because it stopped making sense or started hurting people I love, but because I’m tired of feeling bad about the things I want to do.”
~Samuel D. James, from his Substack article Female Culture is Being Pornified~

Sigh. I’ve been reading this person’s articles for years and I can’t help but just feel sorry for him in a way, in addition to a little bit frustrated. He is so smart, so firm and unwavering, and yet he still does not get it. He cannot, for whatever reason, seem to understand why women would find his traditional beliefs to be questionable.

The above line was the kickstart, that thing when you’re reading something and you’re listening along just fine and then a line pops out that “triggers” you, makes your heart start to race and makes you think, “Boy, now you’ve really done it”. You spoke about things of which you do not understand. And what you said was so off base.

I’ve been wanting to read Jen Hatmaker’s new book but I’ve been dragging my feet because I do not want to spend the money (over $20). It’s old news, the whole religious deconstruction era, and I’m not really sure I want to hear about how great her new sex life is or how much she betrayed herself by falling in line with so called patriarchy.

These guys like the above writer do tell on themselves sometimes. They are rarely known for their openness, vulnerability, and warm spirits. Yes I get how tired we are of hearing about how some conservative religious beliefs screwed up people’s lives and interfered with the formation of healthy relationships and truer self acceptance.

I left behind some of the traditions of my past because they did stop making sense and because they were causing harm to a person I loved, and that person was me. I might have had to imagine myself as somebody else, I might’ve had to will myself to transfer that love then to me, but you are right, it wasn’t mainly a mind thing but a heart one.

Leave it to me to have to process visiting a married child. Do not get me wrong, we had a very nice trip. I can’t remember if I’ve ever written it here, but I heard something once like that one of the ways to successfully manage male and female differences is to understand that most men are going to be a little bit autistic and women are going to be at least a little bit crazy. These differences sometimes. It’s just still always there.

We actually talked about this in the car. The differences between men and women. He said that as we continue toward glory and then finally reach its pinnacle in the new creation, we will be even more distinctly masculine and even more distinctly feminine. I found it hard to really say, but my view was more that we will be more fully merged to where masculine and feminine will not matter. We will be one. Fully unified and whole.

What that looks like exactly I couldn’t say. Do we have genitalia as new creation men and women? What will we need it for then, and what will be the purpose in the need to be distinguished? He thought I was saying that women will become more like men and men will become more like women. I don’t know what I meant. Just that in Christ, if I am to live that long, I will be more beautiful at 80 or 90 than at any other time in my life.

We ended up staying the night in St. Joseph. The original plan was to get there in enough time to browse some of the stores that are right off the highway. But by 6PM after a long and busy day, there really wasn’t much left for that. We checked into a hotel and then found something to eat at Chick-fil-A. They have really great waffle fries there.

Every time we walk into a hotel room it never ceases to cross my mind, how any room we have stayed in since our honeymoon at the Super 8, has always been nicer and had an actual refrigerator. It was this special commodity back then that I was very excited to have, and the memory of using foam coolers to store our food doesn’t bring me any joy.

But you know what does? The memory of juggling five kids and all our stuff and cramming into a room together. When we walked into our room this time, and any time here lately anymore, there is this sense of something missing. The pack-n-play, the toddler, the kids super excited to find something on TV. The togetherness of our family.

But we’re making new and different memories now. The meet was a lot of fun and it was wonderful spending time with Ethan and Laura as well as her parents. The trip was short but very worth it. After the meet we went out for lunch at steakhouse in the middle of nowhere. Another teammate came too with a girlfriend who is Laura’s friend.

So we got to be the old folks who split the bill to cover all four of the college kids. This is how we love now. Laura’s dad filled up her car with gas and changed the headlights. Her mom brought her a rubbermaid tub with an artificial Christmas tree. We brought out the strat-o-matic baseball game cards. And then we left them there seemingly okay.

It was a very gloomy day but I had no picture. My phone is currently giving me fits and being very unreliable. It was a whole thing yesterday trying to go in for an upgrade and then getting flagged for fraud so they had to fill out form and couldn’t me an upgrade. I know that these are not big deal things. It does just make you scratch your head though. The whole, “why me?”

Josh and I drove to Nebraska today. We had a nice trip out despite the drizzly weather. Laura’s parents are also in town. They hadn’t seen her since the wedding. It’ll be a quick trip for both of us with her parents leaving straight from the meet tomorrow morning. This will be the final meet of the year completing three collegiate cross country seasons. These college years are even faster.

The four parents went bowling tonight. It had been a while since any of us bowled. I was doing pretty well until two old men came over to give me advice. Both of them said they used to bowl. After that I was overthinking things, plus there was the pressure for me to improve. Later we ran into a former DCE from the Springfield area. That’s really how it goes in these small little worlds.

The boys had a meet here in town. It was held at the new property where they plan to build the new high school. That whole thing with losing the school was a big deal I think. It was a giant loss that complicated many people’s lives and greatly undermined the school’s ability to stay open and be seen as a respectable option in town for people’s children. They still have a mortgage on the old, now demolished building, while needing millions of dollars for a new one.

Miles’ mom is teaching the films and publishing classes this year. Teachers have a really hard job because their love for learning that they would love to foster in others is stifled by the many behavioral issues that seem to be filling the schools. Many children are not motivated to learn which can be frustrating to those who are motivated to teach.

It takes work to break cycles and stick with things that are hard. I don’t know what the answers are for all the problems in the schools. I do know that when you have friends you can get through just about anything. Allowing the kids space to make friends and experience the world more is important to me as a parent. I know those are things I can’t provide for them here. Neither can I provide the chances to run in these cross country races. It was a nice race and I was grateful to see them run.

The weather has turned cooler these days. We had one final day where we could’ve potentially swam and broke our record but, I don’t even know why we didn’t. This morning I had an interview with a counseling agency here in town. It’s a Christian place where you can pray with clients and incorporate the Bible and all kinds of cool things. I was really hoping that after this interview I’d have a few more answers.

The catch is that they are not currently hiring. There is just the prospect of there being some moving around, retirements, and maternity leaves in the semi-near future. I also interviewed at a private practice last week, which even though it was nice, didn’t really leave me feeling strongly one way or the other. With the counseling agency, I was feeling more excited. There really are pros and cons to all of these places.

One thing I think I am clear on, or at least I think I would prefer, is to sign up for a place where I know what I am getting. I am not really interested in signing up for potential. My mind can run away with itself and get caught up in all kinds of directions, many of which seem like they’d be right or fun or just fine. I just want the real thing, not the thing my mind makes up.