“Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact, thinking of, talking about, and doing from hour to hour.”
~Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved~

Lately I’ve been thinking again how it’d be nice to have a mentor. Isn’t there anyone out there who can help me get through this? Is there any woman who exists who has successfully navigated the waters of marriage, motherhood, and hormones with grace? Can I be the person that no one else was? It’s nothing against women in my life or any women that I know. I still just wish sometimes for that soothing, wise, spiritual guide.

It isn’t like we have all the time in the world here. Seven or so years ago there was the grind of daily life. Marriage was for love but it was also very practical. I started charting in the margins, “Happy in marriage”, “Happy in marriage”, on every day that it was true, which it was for the majority of days. But then there were days when it was almost like my mind turned against me, and against even my entire life. It refused to be ignored.

I’m still trying to figure this out. Because I am more than beyond convinced that there’s a 4-5 day window that reveals more to us about ourselves and our needs than any other time with a frightening accuracy. If you’re neglecting yourself, it will show up. If you are being neglected that will come around too. But whose responsibility is it to manage and process what the monster reveals? How much bait do I accept or reject?

You stay for your values, because you believe that God is against two people divorcing. You stay together for the kids, because you’ve heard that it’s best for them and both of you love these people you’ve made. You stay because there’s this fierce refusal to harm them and screw up their lives. You stay because when things are good they are actually really good, and because it’s an enormous thing not to have to earn a living for yourself.

Well even that is not enough. Because then you have kids who get married or who one day hope to do the same. And these kids who you stayed married for, they’ll get you thinking again, “Is this the kind of marriage we would want them to have?” If the answer is no it’s time to adjust. There used to be so many requirements, preferences, wishes for what I wanted marriage to be, but God’s worked it out now to peaceful and loving.