The kids had a meet in Carlinville this evening. This is probably one of my top three favorite courses of all the courses that they run. It’s spectator friendly and there’s just a lot of criss-crossing and overlapping and running around going on. Elianna said she saw the boys 14 different times which I thought was ridiculous but in an ” I have no idea how you did that but that’s hilarious and good for you” kind of way.

I saw them four times. There was a kid named Chaz who flew through the course and beat everyone by another ridiculous amount of space. I asked Ethan if he’d heard of him and he said yeah he was the cross country state champion for 1A last year. A girl from out team got 3rd but when I asked her dad about he said it doesn’t matter how she does, even if she wins, she’s never happy. It’s hard to be young.

After the meet we went back to Grandma’s to have supper. She really loves decorating her new house with fall things. Before supper several of us were playing outside with Zorro. We were throwing a frisbee and he would chase it and run around while a few of the boys chased him. Zorro runs the fastest out of everyone, even Chaz. I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but the skies with the fields look so pretty.

“Thank you for another sober day”, is a prayer I learned from a client. She says it every morning upon waking. I did not have sophisticated words to explain it, but I did point out that beginning every day in such a way was significant. Such a prayer comes from a place of surrender and mystery, and an understanding that there is something else out there, someone if you consider this thing is conscious enough to hear you.

And this Person is to be thanked and credited for where you currently find yourself. This was all being understood by her without me even saying it, but I did say it, if only to cement in my own mind my own awe and wonder and very basic understanding. I see her face look to the window and it’s like a little girl smiles. They say relapse isn’t failure, it’s part of the journey. It all sounds so nice until you consider how relapses can kill.

And this condition, this disorder and disease, will indeed do just that if it is not held in check. If it is not wiped out and eliminated. I’m talking about sin and the way in completely infects everything. I want to be scrubbed. I want to be washed. I know that God is willing and has already made me clean. And I never again want to hold another person’s sin against them, or ruin any other day by being hurt and unforgiving.

Instead of being lonely,
heartbroken, or sad
They said I was supposed
to say “I miss you”

But that was lie

The truth was, I was pissed
You were not there enough
to miss

Do we have to rehash this
for the hundredth time?
No.

You’ve paid your dues
We’ve moved beyond
The hundreds and thousands

Can we now just get along?
Like the friends we started out as
Never to be bothered
into hatred again

Well at the risk of sounding incredibly simple minded I can honestly say that I liked the new Taylor Swift movie. Laura’s mom had tickets and invited me to go. The movie was like a companion to her also newly released album. When I first saw the title and cover I made a judgment that she had finally sold her soul to the music industry and decided to sexualize herself like so many other girls do in the business. I was done with her.

But then then there was this movie so I read some reviews first. People said the album was disappointing and had many not nice things to say about it. Having on seen the cover and promotions, as well as only listened to one song, I have to say that I agreed. But for whatever reason I liked the movie. As she explained the story and meaning behind the songs I found myself thinking this wasn’t as bad as they made it out to be.

Like, not every album, or even song for that matter, has to be this un-topable Shakespearean masterpiece. She actually sounds happier than she has in the past few albums and like she’s finally finding some healing following her many and various love hurts. Her cover was dramatic and edgy precisely because she is a showgirl. Most of the songs were inspired by things she went through on the Eras tour in her regular life.

Today was a day full of cross country races. At least for the first half. The boys ran at 10 and then there was the open 5k GRIT run, also at camp. Ethan had another race somewhere in South Dakota. So between all of that every child ran a race. It was fun and one of my sisters was also here with her family so she could run in the camp race. I told her if she could run this 5k course then she could pretty much run any other 5k.

Everyone was exhausted after the races. Elianna hung around for a while and took a nap, along with me and Dad. She then went back to Grandma’s with Zorro. We brought him home when we were visiting since we were already up there and his four weeks were almost done. I’m still kind of processing the information from the training so I don’t want to speak too much yet about something I do not know very much about.

But it’s been nice to have him home. Dad the boys and I went down to the lake and one of the boys took a nap on the sand while Dad swam out to his usual place on the floating dock. Somebody left or donated a cross net game so two of the boys and I played with that in the water. It’s kind of like volleyball but with a much smaller court and net. Later in the evening we met Grandma and Elianna for supper which was nice.

I hired myself to work at camp doing odd jobs and housekeeping. My first project was the laundry room in the CGC. For I don’t know how long now I have been pretty unhappy with the way that it looks. I spent three hours doing laundry, sorting towels, and throwing away anything and almost everything that had been piling up on and underneath tables including left behind clothes, toiletries, and candles from the 70’s.

Apparently also I threw away a couple of the housekeeper’s chargers. She is currently as I type digging through the main camp dumpster where I threw everything out. I have not helped more in this area because I have felt like I can’t do anything if my own house isn’t spotless. I don’t imagine this person is very happy with me. The last thing I want is her quitting over something like this and I feel for her truly but…

Ug. I was feeling good until that part happened. Well anyway, it looks better. Josh said he would pay me the same wage she is getting. There is enough to keep me busy whenever I have time to go over there and the nice thing is I can be free and pretty self-starting without having to ask what to do. It’s like an unspoken permission to just do what needs to be done. It’s almost like turning into the scary camp lady with standards.

Today was a good day. We were up pretty early to meet the trainer and Zorro. We arrived at his house at 6AM. The trainer then went down to where he keeps his dogs and let out Zorro. He came running into the garage where we were and was very excited to see Elianna and my son. He came up to me too but I was still acting kind of afraid of him so wasn’t petting him and talking to him.

After our visit we went back to my sister’s apartment to eat breakfast. Elianna made oatmeal and we had bananas and oranges that we’d brought along with us. After that we went to the orchard in Malta where we used to have field trips. We arrived at 9AM right as they opened. We went into the store and had a store made donut to keep with tradition. The three of us were the only ones in the outside play area.

We then went back to my sister’s apartment so I could take a nap. At 10:45 I was up and ready to go. We drove the 45 minutes to where two of my other sisters lived. We ate lunch with one and supper with another. With once sister we visited a kids park located next to the Rock River. We left to watch my niece’s volleyball game. We drove home and arrived back at my sister’s apartment in time to go to bed.

This has to be the fastest year that’s ever gone by. The days seem normal but the months are flying. I did not go into group today like I originally planned on doing. Last night I checked my schedule and happened to see that two clients had been added to the afternoon after group. Elianna was wanting to leave pretty much as soon as I got home and I knew that was not going to leave enough time for me to be ready by then.

It would’ve been too long of a stretch. So I spent the morning cleaning my room and helping to fill out the rest of the Middle East. The outdoor ed group was supposed to be down at the beach from 10-11:30 so my youngest and I went down there to join them. They were almost 45 minutes late and by the time they got down there we were on our way back up to the house. I packed my clothes, started laundry, and wrote emails.

I like being at Thrive on days when Arya is there. Wednesdays. I’ve reduced my days to three days a week. I don’t need any more. I only need 7 hours a week for the rest of the semester to meet my remaining hours. 2.5 of those can come from class time. I’m basically just staying away from the supervisor at this point. I don’t want to say I’m totally done there but there are too many issues for me to feel comfortable staying there.

So Arya and I had two hours together just hanging out because our 1PM new clients didn’t show up. Every time I meet a new person I just feel for their situation. The things that people keep inside and have no one else to talk to about can really make up a near infinite list. I felt bad having to cut him off and it always feel so impersonal, especially whenever you’re first meeting with someone. Everything was completed and posted.

We left home around 5:06 and if you don’t stop it takes about 2 1/2 hours to get up here. Elianna drove which was nice because I was sleepy. I talked to my aunt on the phone who retired just yesterday from a company where she’s worked for 36 years. Before that she had a good deal of years at another place. I can’t imagine. But I congratulated her on her accomplishment. My sister, the teacher, is only three months in.