It’s been a nice couple of days with the weather. Zorro was with us Thursday while Elianna was gone to spend the day visiting Miles. I had told her that going to a college just because your boyfriend goes there wasn’t a good enough reason to go to a college. She wasn’t against the advice, and the saving of money, but staying in town while the rest of your friends go away to go college has not been without certain drawbacks.

If a love is meant to be it will last. Now I’m sure along with that you have to include things like effort and occasional lost sleep to hopefully just talk through an issue. There can be so much resentment that builds up in relationships. Not too long ago I finally started treating resentment like it was an addiction needing me and it to be brought through the 12 Steps. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I cannot overcome this.

So in that case a negative thought is similar to a craving. Cravings supposedly only last for 15-20 minutes. Once they pass you are through them and can go about your day, hopefully now without just having derailed it. I tell him it’s the crone energy starting to manifest. I’ve been the maiden. I’ve been the lover. I’ve been the nurturer and caregiver. I have been the woman who ran with the wolves and swam with pelicans.

But I need you, he said, I still need you to be these other things for me. You can have the best of all four of them I told him, but if you reject any of them they all disappear. You cannot expect me to have lived this long, to have gone through this much and not have any guidance. Your strength as a man needs an outlet and so does mine as a woman. When I am unable to give you my strength I implode. I fill with fury.

We won’t be like the rest of them, who never figure out how to get their acts together and still have resentments 40, 50, 60 years. I say my patience is over and I am done with the waiting. He corrects my false story which emboldens me to correct his. And I can hear it, I will always hear it when the hearing is mutual. “I really do just love you”, and I feel it in my heart like a glare. like an angry resistance that fades with the midnight.