“Love is reciprocal re-creation, the mutual bestowal of a name only lovers can utter.”
~Carl Anderson, Called to Love~

I have not been going to church much these days. Over the past several years my attendance has gradually fizzled out to showing up just enough to not be seen as a complete apostate. We are working on remedying this situation to where it might be possible to attend a different church. It will have to be a Lutheran one. I don’t think the boys are completely happy or understand but they still are thankfully being open.

We had our first sighting of flurries this morning. The boys were getting ready for church and noticed them. One came up with his short sleeves and shorts. I had seen them in the corner of my eye but wasn’t sure. I asked if he was wearing shorts and he said yes. I remember my oldest son would not wear a coat to school. He would wear a sweatshirt with jeans. I don’t understand this but it seems to be a common thing.

For creatures who seem to appreciate comforts, it does seem odd that they choose to suffer this way. I’m sure there are mirroring ways that I do this. I don’t mean that lightly, I’m sure I do it all the time. We had our soup once everybody was home. Dad and the boys talked about going to the play this afternoon at the high school. It sounded like a fun plan to make. When they left none of the boys came in to first tell me goodbye.

I thankfully did not have to go into work today. On Thursday my boss texted saying she had an extra nurse scheduled for Saturday and asked if I would want the day off. I had begun the process of letting her know that I do not want to keep the same schedule in the future. I absolutely told her yes and again felt very relieved. Today was very productive deep cleaning part of the kitchen and prepping for Thanksgiving weekend.

Sometimes it’s necessary to be more intentional with your time. As much as I would’ve liked to try and squeeze it all in, I did end up asking for an extension for my certification course. I asked for another month and they gave me instead until April 7th of next year. The end of school feels so close I can hardly believe it will ever get here. I truly am so ready to be done. School has given me tools and helped me slowly adapt to life outside.

The weather was noticeably colder again today. We may have seen the last of the brighter colors for this year since eventually the leaves start to shrivel and fall from the trees. I baked a pumpkin and made chicken broth with plans to eventually blend the two for tomorrow afternoon’s lunch. Elianna and Zorro were here for the day while she was cooking for a camp group. We scheduled our day to make the Thanksgiving pies.

LIII
Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

Here are the bread–the wine–the table–the house:
a man’s needs, and a woman’s, and a life’s.
Peace whirled through and settled in this place:
the common fire burned, to make this light.

Hail to your two hands, which fly and make
their white creations, the singing and the food:
salve! the wholesomeness of your busy feet’
viva! the ballerina who dance with the broom

Those rugged rivers of water and of threat,
torturous pavilions of the foam,
incendiary hives and reefs: today

they are this respite, your blood in mine,
the path, starry and blue as the night,
this never-ending simple tenderness.

When I interviewed at Hope the woman said that if I wanted to do couples I would always be full. The couples waitlist is the one they can never get under control. She said I would need to get certified. This maybe wasn’t the right approach but I tried to tell her that I didn’t really think I would need to, that I’ve been reading about Gottman and EFT and who knows what for years and years. I feel like I would know what I’m doing.

But I would get certified if I needed to. I haven’t made much more progress yet with my other somatic practitioner certification other than to schedule my second session with my partner. I still need to make my care plan but there were other things this week that took priority since the session is next week. I have my program exit exam tomorrow. I meal planned and printed out recipes for our annual family Thanksgiving weekend.

My son and I walked down to the lake before starting geography. I told him that I found the sun and water to be healing. He asked what I meant and I don’t remember what I said. We noted the ongoing low water levels and walked on dry ground where we would normally put in boats. He bent down and started picking up clams, little creatures whose presence has only become more known over the past year or two with kids.

They notice these clams and the older ones say, “Where are these coming from? We’ve never seen these here before.” There were piles of clams that were open with nothing inside. And then there were many that still were partly buried or were exposed but still closed. I sat on the dock and without a word he picked the up and threw them back into the water. Before long I too was stooped down, pointing out to him the clams I saw.

I wasn’t too keep on touching them. I told him this reminded me of a poem and later on our way see Elianna I had him read it. We walked back up and labeled islands in the South Pacific. How many years of looking at globes and I had no idea this many islands existed somewhere over on that side. The Challenger Deep is the deepest part in all the world reaching approximately four miles deeper than the average ocean bed depths.

I’m thinking about doing a phone fast for the rest of November. Like it just occurred to me this very moment. Obviously you’d keep the essentials. But maybe something will come to mind and it would be good preparation for the season of Advent.

I’m loving walking out into the sea of orange lately.

It was kind of an emotional day at school. As the days are winding down I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the totality of all that has happened throughout this time. I had a meeting with the faculty supervisor before class. We’re required to meet at least twice a semester and this was the second time. My wish for this meeting was to go through my grid materials to get feedback so I could perfect it as much as possible.

And when I opened up my power point that I hadn’t looked at since the summer, I realized two things. The first was that it still needed some work. The second was that I really didn’t care anymore about getting a 4 and it being exemplary. It felt like an old goal that I had had to abandon, out of necessity, yes, but also because of the filling in of other goals. Like being present for my family. Like being less self-critical and driven.

There was a piece of feedback that stood out to me from my latest video. I had been imagining the client’s coming out of addiction to be including at least a heavy part of moving through the grief process. A former alcoholic spoke up about my wording. Instead of focusing on the need to acknowledge how much giving up alcohol sucks, he wondered if it might be helpful to focus instead on all she is gaining now with a sober life.

Husband: (sitting at the table) Where are you going?
Wife: (just emerging from sleep) I’m going outside to take pictures of the glowing trees.
Husband: (watching me zip up my coat) It’s a good thing you got that new coat.
Wife: (still liking my coat) Yes. It’s coming in a lot of handy.
Husband: (looking up through his glasses) A lot of handy??
Wife: (perplexed but undisturbed by my wording) Yes.
*cue laughter and positive feelings

Samuel D. James wrote an article again that didn’t upset me like the last one, but it did get my thoughts turning wish we could just sit down and have a three hour conversation. That’s not going to happen. So at the very least before the rest of my day I thought I could sit down and try to type out some thoughts on this topic that just continues to bug me. I had to see what Jen Hatmaker meant by sexual renaissance.

Because what it sounded like to me, was that Samuel D. James thought sexual renaissance, from a Christian man’s perspective, meant that he (as in a general Christian man) would finally be free to cast off the restraints of the rules. The expectations that he be faithful to his wife (if married). The extreme expectations that he would not engage in any non God-approved sexual activity for the rest of his life.

And that the reason this would be considered a sexual renaissance is because there are a lot of urges inside of men that cause these restraints and expectations to be very hard to live out. So these urges have to be deadened or numbed or ignored or even disciplined. This part of them is not accepted, and so as some people say, it comes out sideways. I have no idea if this is making any sense. If he was here I could ask him.

Well anyway. I didn’t go digging super deeply but I did find an article where she was talking about purity culture teaching women to hate their bodies. That was not my particular experience, though I do think there were things about it that caused women/girls to overthink and become more self-conscious. Dressing in a way so as to not cause your (apparently very sexually charged) brother to stumble was a big one.

Ug, I’m getting lost and am not quoting any sources. I don’t think purity culture was the cause of women hating their bodies. Instead, I think certain things about it may have fed an already present tendency. When I was in 8th grade, there was a guy who I’d had a massive crush on for almost two years. He was in my class and dating a 7th grader. The girl and I were cheerleaders. I remember wondering what it was about her.

One day during a basketball game (I’m getting a feeling like I have told this story before) I noticed her stomach showing when she lifted up her arms. Something clicked in my mind. That must be what it is because there was just something about it that made me go, “I want my stomach to look like hers” because this was the way to the man (the 8th grade boy I had a crush on). So I starting making myself throw up for three years.

Surprise, it didn’t work, either my stomach being flat or getting the man I wanted. When I think about the times where I have been unhealthily focused on my body or looks, it is always tied to the belief that my body is the commodity that keeps me valuable to men, and that sexual value is the highest form of importance in terms of how I am judged by the opposite sex. I do think that both men and women want to be valued by the other.

So teaching women to love their bodies I don’t think is a bad thing. Many women did spend many years hating and mistreating them. Going and sleeping around with men would not be loving, to them or to us. I don’t think promiscuity is what Jen Hatmaker is meaning by sexual renaissance. I think she means being more of who she was meant to be as a woman who is free to be sexually fearless in the context of a loving relationship.

One of the saving graces of this semester is the teacher cancelling class every so often on Mondays. The Tuesday teacher does not cancel and does not let us out early. The Wednesday class is considered a hybrid and so sometimes like this week we do not have to go in for class. This week we’re meeting via Zoom. Our supervisor is gone for the week so I have the entire week off from any group or client sessions.

So that was very relieving and opened up some needed space. This time of year always feels so congested and brings with it a dread of all the things that must be done. I know the holidays probably aren’t supposed to feel that way. Today I broke things down into a four part to-do list with the things I am hoping to get done with the extra time this week. I had the major urge to clean in our basement so that’s where I started.

There is a lot of undone work from the time when I couldn’t do as much. My sister asked if things feel lighter with the kids being older and more of them gone. Lighter is not the right word. More empty, yes. But I have more hope that having a tidy home again is possible. That all these projects, bursts of energy, and throwing away of nerf bullets and board games is where I am today in this leg of the race here.

We went to Lowe’s this evening because one of the boys had a gift card. I know I keep saying this, because it’s very close to the front of my mind, but there remains an awareness of the passing of time and how I am spending it. Something has shifted in my mind as well where when I am home on the weekends I tend to as well be aware of the clock and where I would be in relation to work departure times and work tasks.

If this was my weekend, I’d have to leave in two hours. If I was at work right now, I’d only be two hours in, I’d just be finishing my suppertime med pass, I’d still be there for another two hours when I am climbing into bed. It wasn’t always like this. But it feels like the time is approaching to ask my boss if I can change up my schedule. Something where I can work during the days and less during time when everybody is home.

The entry way of the store was full of Christmas decorations. Two of the boys turned right to go look at the tools. Only one stayed with me, still interested in the lights. If I had a million dollars I could buy all of it and create a Christmas wonderland. Dad came in from his phone call and we walked around, him helping me look for the now empty sofa slip cover section. Later we all went back and made pizza. It was a very nice time.