I’ve been thoroughly spoiled for my birthday over the past several days. Wednesday evening after church there were five presents on the floor. Two of them were different kinds of socks, a set of long ones and short ones. Another was a long white scarf. Another was a set of white mittens. The last one was a white snow hat.

So I was happy with all of those. I’d also said (before this) that all I really wanted for our basement to smell good and for our house not to smell. So yesterday when I came home from my CPR certification class, the house smelled like apples and cinnamon that were simmering on the stove. This is something my mom used to do.

And then in the evening the boys went downstairs and sprinkled some sort of baking soda mixture all around the basement. They had picked up all the legos and all the things on Ethan’s floor that I haven’t yet had the inspiration to deal with. Dad came home from an elder’s meeting and told the boys to vacuum up the powder.

So then I was supposed to go downstairs to smell it. I was finding all of this very amusing and sweet. I have thought at times that I might have to accept that new carpet might be one of those things that never happens in this lifetime, and could I be okay with that? In my mind the carpet would be the last thing the house needs.

Tonight we all went to Cancun, the little Mexican place in town. After that we drove over to watch the light show. I haven’t really gotten into the Christmas spirit much yet but this little drive helped. It at least got me thinking about it. For school today I did an online final and finished the required sexual harassment training video.

It was nice to have some blue skies and sunshine today. The day began early with some frequently interrupted sleep. We were together in the middle of the night for a while and then I ended up moving to the guest room thinking maybe that would help. I let the cat stay in there which as a mistake since I know she scratches at the mirror in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. So I eventually put her out in the halllway.

And within another round of dreams and drifting back off to sleep I awoke to the sound of the same cat fighting in the hallway with another. By this point I had reached irritation levels and I was grateful that this remains more or less now a foreign and unfrequently visited state. I fell back asleep and was soon awake again at the sound of boys taking their showers. The pipes in our walls are loud in the mornings.

So I was up after that but made up for it later. The afternoon was spent catching up on the naps I had missed in the night. There was one in the early afternoon and when I woke up I knew it had not been enough. Dad left for chapel and came back with me progressing from a second nap. The boys came home from school and I eventually came out to work on the pizza crusts. Before that we took a wintery walk outside in the paths.

The desk girl at Thrive is quitting at the end of the semester. She’s starting another job that will give her more experience related to nursing. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I asked him nothing more about it. We’re supposed to be switching software systems in January to a simpler one that is completely web based. I have my own login and password there. I have my own email there. I have my own key to the building.

So why this isn’t just a complete no-brainer in terms of decision making I really don’t know. I came home from being there and went straight to my bed and cried. Josh came in and asked what was wrong. I started to say something like being frustrated that I can’t just make up my mind, that I can’t just know what I’m doing. But there was something deeper that came out instead. I said it’s because I am losing my freedom.

And boy did the gut feel it then with wrenching sobs. Transitions are hard, he said. They are, I said back. In supervision I’d asked if there were any new students starting up next semester. He said there maybe was one, but that he was also really thinking not to have students anymore. It is a lot of time, unpaid, and we can be awfully needy at times. Those were my words not his. I stopped short of telling him he was a good teacher.

I saw an Instagram post from an older mom with a newborn. She was talking about how sad it made her that her son would never remember her falling in love with him every night. I totally get it. It doesn’t make me sad anymore to think of how these times we had are not remembered. Anymore I just feel like those nights were my special gift from God in heaven. He was there with me too filling me with so much love.

I wonder sometimes if it would make the dads jealous. It’s not like we don’t love them. It’s just not the same overpowering physiological drive. To be close. To kiss constantly. To feel like this person is the light of your world.

Well anyway I don’t have to worry about that. I was finishing my grid this afternoon and reviewing my power point slides from April. Thank the Lord I had done that. I had a slide in there, in one of the self-in-process sections, about grieving my past seasons of life, particularly in relation to being a mom. It had a nice little picture of nature, but it no longer felt relevant so I deleted it. I replaced it with a simple summary.

I’ve got one more major project before I can finally rest easy. In what can only be attributed to a divine provision of mental clarity, I finished the final big assignment for one class, found a regular but “me” video clip that I felt comfortable using, and got to work on cranking out what needs to be done still for my grid. I’m supposed to understand my theory much better by now and I can honestly say that I feel like I do.

So that will feel good to have all of that behind me. Class tonight was cancelled because of the weather. I think that might be five or six times this semester we haven’t had class. I cannot thank Alexis enough for being highly influential in me not taking the trauma class. I just want to get up there, finish my talk, and be done.

I don’t even know what I’ll think about from now on. There are aches and pains I need to attend to. A weight that is ten pounds away from my highest first pregnancy weight. A degree that I need to figure out what to do with. But that will all come with time should the good Lord allow it. People are created to exist in connection. He gives us relationships where we are able to develop, grow, and be true to our fullest selves.