I’ve kind of moved beyond the distal yearning for the school life. I just picked the word distal. There is a calm now in waiting for whenever it is the work will start, a few weeks still at this point. I have two days of training next week and then I start the next Friday. The Christmas crash is something I though I avoided this year but it is fully upon me.

We put away the decorations and stripped the tree of its red. Adorned with only blue it is now set for winter and for however long I choose to keep it.

Ethan and Laura are back for a few days. They returned over lunch and we had leftovers from the supper before. They apologized for being later than originally expected. It was not a big deal because before that no one even was home. Dad and the littlest were at chapel at the high school. I was at Thrive meeting with the clients I still have from my school. I don’t know how that is all supposed to end or work.

I am happy I get to leave there. Not because there is anything wrong with the place, but because the place where I am going seems to be a better fit. Something that I noticed when I was interviewing the first time at Hope and then the second time this week, was that they seemed impressed with my resume and with my overall life. I don’t mean that to be a brag. The boss wanted to know how I balance it.

Just typing that out almost brings me to tears. I don’t even know how to try to describe it other than that there’s this stunning, relieving glory when someone sees you for who you are. In my mind flashed all these moments of being in bed and all I said was “trial and error”. They showed me around the building and were very excited for the new back construction addition. We celebrated our Epiphany baby.

It’s weird. There’s like this window of time around the start of a new year where it feels right to make a change. But it’s only a window because before too long the days already feel old again. I mean they feel like normal days that aren’t much different from the last ones. But the moment feels like it’s been seized and the changes locked in. I feel extra committed this time for some reason. There is art and science both in balance.

This is all just a very weak and tired way of saying that I enjoy this time of the year. I made a template for my homeschooled son for how to write a science report. I was very proud of it actually. We spent the morning picking out books for his semester. Some were new and others stayed the same. I have so many resources I never actually used, or didn’t get a change as much as I would’ve liked. It makes me happy to use them.

While I was down there I saw the astronomy workbook. I just don’t know if I have the energy. Of course I was dreaming about taking the winter section and using it every evening when skies are clear. I pulled it out just in case. Tonight would’ve been a good night to go out there but instead we talked on the couch. I said, boys, you are going to grow hair on your bodies. They said mom you should’ve told us this five years ago.

This was my first weekend with my new schedule of no Sundays. I’m very glad I didn’t quit. Even though I could not imagine this being the kind of work I would have to do for the rest of my life, I don’t mind doing it every once in a while. I’m not sure what changed. I can feel overwhelmed at times by the multiplying needs, when there is not enough of me and there is no chance to take a break. You just keep going till it’s over.

It’s my second week of going to church intentionally and regularly. I promise this isn’t a futile search to find the perfect fit. But there is a part of me that knows that something is already going to be missing, at least in the churches around here I am familiar with. We were trying to figure out what it is. Passion seems like too immature of a word, but later in a reading commentating on C.F.W. Walther was the word “fervor”. That was it.

Or at least closer. It’s almost like people have been trained to be complacent, though I feel that is too harsh of a judgement. I know these are faithful people who want to live as part of a church. I want my kids to have strong Christian friends and I want too to have the same. In the past, to me, a friend looks like a peer. We are the same age and participate in similar activities. We see each other often and enjoy the other’s company.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. Tonight for our family activity the boys wrote thank you notes for Christmas presents. We sat around the table and I read most of the notes they wrote out loud. I like reading their words and saying how they did a good job. Next year, I said, they will take a turn to be the givers. There is a fun in giving others gifts and a virtue in turning our minds toward others. I will supply the means to do so.

Arya and I met for coffee earlier around lunchtime. It was her thought to get together over break and be joined by Alexis. Alexis wasn’t able to come due to family Christmas commitments. Both of them are 25. So we talked and exchanged stories and processed more about the program. I tried not to have it be just about Thrive or school or favorite perfume scents sold only at Target. There were other things too. India. Peace. Enough.

When the angels said “Glory to God in the highest”, I wonder what they were seeing that we on earth were not seeing. Maybe this is what is said in the presence of God who is visible. The angels see God in the heavenly realms and it is the response of their…spirits?…to break out in proclamation and praise. When the shepherds leave their fields for the manger, they return and also praise and glorify God for all they’d seen and heard.

We had a good New Year’s Eve. Minus the part about feeling like a complete schmuck regarding the gift situation and determining never to let myself be so thoughtless again, I had a good time and I think others did too. The boys stayed overnight and Josh and I left about 11:20 to get us home with ten minutes til midnight. I Facetimed Elianna so we could still countdown together. After that we made New Year’s love and went to sleep.

We talked in the morning about New Year’s ideas and goals. Both of us had something about being intentional parents. I started a Whole30 group with some of my family. After the holiday feasts and indulgences it’s nice to me to shift gears into simpler, nourishing way of being. I finished one Gottman certification class and am working now on the second. I’m only going to go through the first two levels and not do the third.

It’s been helpful and I’m learning things. I have a meeting with the Hope supervisor on the 5th. I’m looking forward to getting some clarity on what this all is going to look like. I still think about Thrive, wondering how all of it could possibly work. Some seasons, for whatever reason, are harder to let go of. But I would rather have the clarity over living under some delusion that something is meant to be when it’s not. Sobriety is better.