I was up from 2-4 watching Dawson’s Creek videos and reading tributes to the actor who played the lead role. When I would see him throughout the years in this or that social media way, I always thought he was still handsome, even more so as time went on. And as much as you could ever really know a person you’ve never even met, he seemed in real life to be a genuinely kind and humble person, the truest beauty.

Josh gave me a card and orange rose for Valentine’s Day. At least it looked orange to me in the not yet fuller morning light. He said he and my son thought it was yellow. When I saw it I had the vaguest sense that I had seen it before, and I said, “Oh, one of the fake flowers”, thinking it was one of the dried flowers the kids have pinned to their walls from my father-in-law’s funeral. Those were real, so my thought really made no sense.

“Fake?”, he asked strongly, not really offended. For the past twelve hours the rose had been sitting in a jar of water on my dresser. He said he put it there because he didn’t think I would notice it, which I apparently didn’t. I opened the card and laughed through the words, “…sometimes I’m kinda quiet, especially when I’m worried, sometimes I’m just plain stubborn when I think I’m being hurried…” I like the funny, rhyming ones.

And then he signed the card with something I’d never read before, “Thank you for being the love of my life”. Why did that feel so strong and romantic? I started telling him how Dawson’s Creek was just pure romance crack. He used the term teen soap opera which fits well too. It’s no wonder we, okay I, was so high on dock scenes at golden hour. And Katie Holmes was, gosh, so lucky. Her beauty and her kisses with Dawson and Pacey.

I never liked Joey (Katie) and Pacey together. Or Dawson and Jen and whatever love interests they introduced along the way to keep things going. At the time, Dawson and Joey had it all. The friendship, the proximity, the unconditional and timeless acceptance and love. My mind flashes back at times and remembers things I rarely think about. The letters, cards, and gifts on note cards I have never redeemed. I have always been loved.