Today was a good day at Hope. Wonderful, actually. The sessions went well and I had that sense of deep fulfillment, like I was doing what I was meant to be doing but not even thinking about it. It’s the feeling I had with the homeschooling. You are caught up in the moment and I love the stimulation and the juggling of all the balls. Praise the Lord also, I had no pain from sitting and did not feel buzzy in my body or exhausted.

My niece has turned a corner with her chicken pox. Another niece from another family has also come down with them. She was staying with my sister and at the church at the same time with the other family. She thinks the exposure date was the 8th and not the day that she originally thought. Nothing here has happened yet but if it does it will be just about the time that Ethan and Laura are supposed to be visiting for spring break.

I wish there was a medicine or something I could take to get me through these more emotionally and psychologically challenging times. I am getting to the point where if I knew it would work, I would be willing to take something. People with addictions talk about numbing the pain and that is something I don’t relate to. I do not numb my pain. I just feel it and live with it and wonder why it continues to be with me and go on and on.

I know there is a hole that I can fall into. And when I am in it there is no light. There is no climbing out of it because when I am there I can’t move. The light just somehow happens upon me and when I am able to start to see it I find myself back in a better place, where I believe that I can be happy. I remember that I can. Last night we went to church and the parking was once again packed and full. I wondered what was going on.

There has to be a sporting event, I thought again. But all of those people were there to go to church. I wondered how many times one can hear a sermon about the Lamb of God, or why anyone one would think it was any more useful than the last one. We came home and had a birthday. I finished wrapping presents and set the bag out on the table. I thought about Facetiming Ethan or Elianna but in the end decided we were enough.