The boys found a memory card and plugged it into the computer. We watched all the videos of Ethan recording and talking to the babies. Then they asked if I had any more and I found my little velvet drawstring sack in my mermaid box from Elianna. I had another one, so we clicked through all those. Josh said there still is one in the vent that randomly ejected from the computer in his office. I’d forgotten it was down there but I bet it would be a good one to find and watch if we could.

As much as I love to see the pictures of the babies and the kids, it can be hard to see those pictures because of what else I know what going on. I felt like the older kids were slipping away from me while I was tied with the younger ones and there was nothing I could do to stay with them. I feel like a failure of a mom when I think of how absent I was which is partly the reason all these videos were being made in the first place. I’m just grateful that we have chances to continue mending love.

It was another good day at Hope. Yesterday my people at Thrive did not show up. One slept in and another was sick. I waited for 25 minutes doing charting from Hope before I went upstairs and said “I guess _______ is not coming.” His person was not there either. I feel like with every talk we have I get a little more able to come away with greater peace without the angst and disruption. Now he’s thinking about just moving out of Thrive and renting an office downtown without all the headache.

He doesn’t want to deal with the office work anymore but this is not set in stone. I didn’t have to ask about Alex’s old office because he said I could use it. So that would be a bigger space. I’m not done with my class yet but I did spent a significant amount of time working this week through more of the exercises. I feel like I need to somehow start practicing some of these things I’ve learned and am learning, I just don’t know how. You’d be amazed at the things people deal with in their minds.

And how it’s hard to stop the loops. A lot of times I find myself needing the specific thing I’m teaching others. Today there was a woman who I had stand up in the room and I moved the furniture around to have the path to freedom toward one chair, and the path of the tumbleweed toward another. I feel like our minds can have some of the greatest momentum, in that the patterns are hard to reverse or stop. The tumbleweed goes on and on but the freedom chair is where the peace is.