Yesterday I texted Josh from work and told him I didn’t think I was going to go to church that evening. “Too tired?”, he asked, and I said yes. I could just tell from the way I was feeling that I was going to need to stay home. The day had been a little rougher though nothing out of the ordinary. There’s a couple who is so massively triggered by the other that it’s difficult to get words in or to slow it down enough to do some therapy. I asked them if we could meet individually the next time.

So I’ll see her by herself first and then I’m going to see him. I have an idea of what each person needs to work on. Not all the couples are like this. Many of them are very pleasant. This particular couple I like too. It does feel easier and less pressured once I’ve spent a few times with them and get a feel for what they’re looking for. I know marriage is work but I think once you’ve worked on and worked through a few things there isn’t as much work as there used to be. It can get and be easier.

I came home and they left. I went for a walk around camp to get movement. I had been rushed in the morning due to poor clock watching on my part so I did not have a solid breakfast or something more substantial for lunch. So I stood at the fridge and at turkey and cheese with crackers until I felt I’d had enough. I don’t know how I ended up there but eventually I was on the floor in the guest room having one of the strongest shaking episodes I have had in a long time. It went on for awhile.

I kept saying, “I release_____, I release ______….” and on the names went down the lineup for the day. Like I was needing to clear it all out of my body. More names kept coming and I kept saying the names and repeating “I release _________” until it finally all stopped. I cried and grabbed the carpet with my nails. I’d been on my stomach but now was more on the side. It was all pretty awful to be honest but I knew also that was what was needing to be done. I had to renounce my working flesh.

Today was a better day. I was at Thrive in the morning and stayed in bed in the afternoon. Dad and the boys were at the March for Life downtown. There’s no way I would’ve wanted to go but I was happy for them to be getting that chance. It was such a nice day that I finally made it outside. I didn’t have any shaking today so that was nice. Everything felt tired but calm and peaceful. I came inside and made supper but had an upset stomach so didn’t eat. After that I went back to bed with water.