We had a good New Year’s Eve. Minus the part about feeling like a complete schmuck regarding the gift situation and determining never to let myself be so thoughtless again, I had a good time and I think others did too. The boys stayed overnight and Josh and I left about 11:20 to get us home with ten minutes til midnight. I Facetimed Elianna so we could still countdown together. After that we made New Year’s love and went to sleep.

We talked in the morning about New Year’s ideas and goals. Both of us had something about being intentional parents. I started a Whole30 group with some of my family. After the holiday feasts and indulgences it’s nice to me to shift gears into simpler, nourishing way of being. I finished one Gottman certification class and am working now on the second. I’m only going to go through the first two levels and not do the third.

It’s been helpful and I’m learning things. I have a meeting with the Hope supervisor on the 5th. I’m looking forward to getting some clarity on what this all is going to look like. I still think about Thrive, wondering how all of it could possibly work. Some seasons, for whatever reason, are harder to let go of. But I would rather have the clarity over living under some delusion that something is meant to be when it’s not. Sobriety is better.

I believe in the sun,
even when it’s not shining
~Kim Andre’ Arnesen, Even When He is Silent~

We haven’t seen the sun very much in several weeks. Our holiday festivities are almost over, to be finished after tonight when we have Christmas at the farm house. My daughter says there will be plenty to do. We made a dessert this afternoon and I wrapped the two camp blankets that we are giving to my nieces. I feel like this side of the family gets the shaft with my gift-giving. They are better at it than we are.

My mind is not exactly in the gutter but my mood and happiness seems to be at the moment. It’s not from anything anyone did. There isn’t anyone who can fix it. My long texts to my sisters have gone unanswered which is when I know I’m truly alone and other things are happening where they do not have the capacity. It’s not their fault. There aren’t enough listening ears in the world to take away this need I feel.

That sounds so gloomy (enter laughter, faint smile).

My word for 2025 was “forget”. At the beginning of the year I wrote, “Just as Christ has forgiven our sins and removed from us our transgressions, so the Lord also removes from our mind the past offenses of others. This allows us to move forward in time and receive the gift of new memories and experiences. All the while, we never cease to forget the grace shown to us in Jesus and the many benefits of life with him.”

A lot of times a word will come to me at the end of the year. Tonight it happened where I felt and heard the word “mend” (not audibly). And the picture and meaning was more like a cloth being sewn. And the immediate application involved relationships in my life. I want to mend in a softer, finer tuned way.

That’s all I’ve got so far.

I follow this Instagram mom who swears the secret to losing nearly 25 pounds was simply being more disciplined. She watched what she ate and cut out soda and fancy coffees. She stopped snacking on her children’s leftovers. She got her hormones checked and they gave her some supplements. She started doing pushup in her living room every morning and gradually got stronger. She went for walks every day.

So she’s got me pretty much convinced. Before the wedding I’d lost nearly 10 pounds simply by living the summer life and drinking more lemon water. That’s all I did and I found myself there. You start to notice little mobility things that are different. Climbing up on a barstool, I hesitated and decided not to, there wasn’t the same confidence and stability. When getting up from the floor using only my legs because my arms were supporting a 93-year old woman, everyone had to wait on me before we could move.

It was a goal of mine to work on things once school was over. Goal isn’t the right word because goals have objectives and things you are doing to work toward them. So it was an idea in my head of something I wanted to do later. My sister called and said her father-in-law was giving up and refusing medical care. Later she called and said his son had talked to him and after that decided instead he was going to choose life.

Today we experienced the temperatures dropping nearly 40 degrees over a period of eight hours. While it was still warm we took Zorro down to the beach. Some of the summer staff was here having a winter camp reunion and they were down on the docks. When he saw Elianna he was very excited and she played with him in the water. He didn’t at all seem bothered by the temperature or being wet the rest of our walk.

We’ve begun the search for a different church to attend. Today we went to Trinity which I forgot was downtown. It was just was us and the younger boys. The church and the school building are separate and in different parts of town. I don’t think I can like that divide. The pastors do the early service at the church, then drive to the school for Bible class, and then go back to the church for the late service. Next week the plan is to go to church with my mother-in-law.

Ethan and Laura left while we were away. They had their family Christmas this evening and tomorrow leave for Texas. In the morning we finished our holiday puzzle. We had a good visit together and it has me thinking again how I want to continue investing time. With me no longer working on Sundays, I’m hoping we can establish a Sunday routine that revolves around family. Tonight we got acquainted with a new board game.

As much as I enjoy having all of the kids here, I know they can’t stay here. They have their own lives. It’s taken me a while to make this transition from wanting them all in my nest and keeping them close to finding freedom, life, and peace in the spreading of their wings. Its like the Bible says about time. There is a time for raising children and dedicating your life to their foundation. Then there is a time for them to break free.

Again it goes back to life in the womb. There comes a point where the infant outgrows the environment that for the growing time appointed has kept them fed and safe and warm. But to remain in the womb longer than the appointed time would not be good for the child or the mother. I did the best I could to give my kids a good childhood. In the process I became both a worse and better person. I would do it all again if needed.

Christmas family pictures do not have the same felt necessity as they did when all the kids were little. When they were young they were “my children” and these were pictures of “my family”. That’s how it felt. But somewhere over time, I can pinpoint no time when it happened, but this family evolved into something much bigger than myself or anything I call my own. No longer can I claim another as belonging to me in this life.

Dad took everyone to see the David movie this afternoon. Laura’s mom met us in town and came with us. I was wondering how far into his life they would go, but it basically covers the time from when David is anointed to when he becomes king. I liked the movie but wouldn’t say it was great. What would’ve made it greater for me is if the songs would’ve had less watered down lyrics and included more direct biblical wording.

Everyone agreed that we liked it. There was also a consensus that everyone was hungry since we’d missed a meal watching the movie around later lunch time. My mom gave me a banana caramel pancake mix that was actually delicious and I’d made those for breakfast. So we had ham, sweet potatoes, green beans and cookies or whatever else is still hanging around. Dad took us later to get snacks at County Market for movie night.

Laura and I were the only ones who had never seen the movie Die Hard. The agreement from the rest who had seen it was that it was officially a Christmas movie. Dad gave an announcement before starting the movie that there was a lot of swearing and that he would be skipping through the unnecessary extra parts. Afterward Laura said it was the manliest Christmas movie she’d ever seen. I didn’t mind it and loved all the company.

I love Christmas so much. Christmas Eve was a good day. The girls and I spent the morning cooking getting ready for the evening and breakfast Christmas morning. My parents and brother arrived around two. My brother had really pushed to make Christmas Eve an event. Because he is my brother and because he was the baby for so long, he knows that I have a weakness for him where his wish is basically my command.

We made more food when they got here and around 5PM started eating it. People weren’t terribly hungry but we snacked until it was time to go for the light show. The parking spaces were full but we parked on the side of the road and could still see. We left early in order to make it for church. Josh gave his final sermon as the assistant pastor at the church. It was emotional but I didn’t have much time to think about it.

Before that we had almost gotten into a fight. Elianna was gone spending the evening with Miles. So we were taking care of Zorro and took him out for a walk. While we were walking I said something about needing his help a little later to wrap presents. He said something about just wanting to be lazy and next year we’re going to have everything done by the 15th. My bubble was momentarily popped at this break in momentum.

I said if something happens to me and next year he is in charge of Christmas then he can do it that way if he wants to, but this is how I do Christmas. It is likely not going to change and is just who I am as a person. My mood descended because up until this moment I’d been thinking he was having nearly as much fun as I was and was my happy assistant along for the Christmas ride. I wasn’t tired yet but eventually would be.

Well anyway, it did hurt, but in a little time I realized he’d been helping me this whole time without complaint and responds positively to my asks 99% of the time. So he said he was sorry and didn’t want bitterness to ruin Christmas. I thanked him for saying that and told him what I said about the 99%. So later it was just me wrapping and setting things out and resetting the kitchen at 4AM. I enjoyed the time, reflecting on many gifts.

Christmas morning was nice and my parents, brother, and Uncle Glenn were here again. My parents gave me a card for graduation. We had a nice meal and everyone ate in the living room. To me family gatherings seem less awkward that way. I’d bought a game at Barnes & Noble called The Hygge Game. It is a card game where you ask the people around you questions, so we did that. Everyone participated and had a chance.

By the afternoon our guests had left and by the later afternoon I was starting to miss them. My dad had just been saying how the Christmas let down hits around 4PM. I didn’t think I related to that anymore, and it never really felt like a letdown. It was more just a sadness that the time had passed and was over, combined with a gratitude for the sweet time it had been. My brother and I texted each other about it around 4PM.

The rest of the evening was just us hanging out. Elianna was at Miles’ family Christmas for a while and the rest of us played a game she had gotten for Ethan and Laura. Zorro watched from the deck and barked through the window. He likes to be part of the activities when there is some. When she got home we were going to watch a Christmas movie but we didn’t end up doing that. Instead we talked and laughed at Hoyleton videos.

We needed to make one more trip into town. One of the boys’ stockings was significantly lacking compared to the others. The one son who hadn’t had any gift ideas was just going to get what he got, plus his gift cards, but I couldn’t go through with it and bought him a new dice stash to replace the one that had gradually dwindled throughout the years. Dad found a nice wooden box where they can be stored.

I also wanted a few more things for the girls. We went to Barnes & Noble, Target, and Ross. The rug I was going back for to put in the guest room had been purchased by someone else, so we went to Lowe’s and I found one I liked there even if it was twice as much. It rounded out nicely the guest room and added that touch of coziness that a nice rug can bring. We found a few things to do together for activities while on break.

So everyone is good on their gifts now. It cracks me up because the last minute Dec. 23rd trip is just the way it always goes, it doesn’t matter if you plan. I think we still stayed within the realm of it being small. The stockings allow for more wiggle room in that area. The snow has pretty much melted except for the remaining trunk and base of the snowman. Elianna found recipes for Grinch heads and a reindeer cheeseball.

It can take a long time for troubled situations to come to light. I spoke with a former friend and thanked her for helping a woman in such a situation. I meant it genuinely. But behind it was the memory of many years hiding and being unseen. One time I was so upset, I took off my clothes and slouched down in a corner. My hands became like the paws of a lion ravenously swiping at my body. By the end I was covered in marks and scratches.

I felt like I had made a special kind of art. Here was an outlet for my pain that wouldn’t hurt me. If no one else could see it, if no one else cared, if no one else knew, I would at least not be a liar showing up as I had been. I was inflamed. I was marred. I was letting my pain be seen in a visible form and not just something that was coming out audibly. I felt proud of my body and the will that had harmed it, like I had finally shown up as my true self.

The marks retreated and healed. They were like laser beams crossing over this way and that way. I can still see their angles and feel the amazement at the amount of them and the wonder that I was capable of making such beauty. It’s nobody’s fault for being blind to the struggles and I have no place to hold a debt over anyone. Even now as I write I can feel an odd change, like more of me has been freed to love deeper, without hurting.