I saw an Instagram post today that got me thinking about homeschooling. @lauren_stadler posted it in her stories but the post I am referencing originally came from @siloandsage that said “Formal lessons are just one way kids learn. Don’t put your home education into a box.” She was offering ideas for homeschool that went beyond kids sitting at a desk doing worksheets. You can learn math via cooking and learn spelling through playing Scrabble, etc.

And I don’t disagree with it. There was an excitement in homeschooling that you could, as she says, “count it all”. All the things you were doing as daily life were part of school, and this, somehow, was better than what they could be getting somewhere else. It wasn’t a conceited belief on my part. It was more like a gut feeling, an instinct that said right now my children were better off with me.

When I see those posts now it absolutely exhausts me. Like I feel the exhaustion of what it would be like if I were to try what we did then and do it the same way now. I don’t have that kind of spunk or energy. I remember thinking that the growth, restraint, and adjustments made and needed in the first full year of homeschooling had surely taken five years off of my life. But after that we settled in.

Not all of my kids have had the same experience. As my oldest has told me, homeschooling wasn’t bad, but LuHigh was better. For him it beyond a shadow of a doubt was. The others have had more evened-out opinions. There are pros, there are cons, to every school option. They have all done well whenever entering “real school”, which gives me the assurance and confidence needed that the school part in our equation was doing it’s job. I’m not changing that.

But I hope to do now more learning alongside them, in the way of also working through the books and the lessons. With no classes of my own my mind is freed up, and that is the way I like it to be. When I look forward to the days with anticipation not dread. That is the best part to me about being home. The possibilities are endless, the creative outlets are live-giving. And being with those who taught me most about love.

I rarely come away from a shift feeling confident. I keep thinking these 4-hour work shifts are going to be part of the key to low-stress living. But I have lost track now if there even ever was one that was straightforward and simple in the way I would hope for. Anymore, to have a solid foundation in the field as a floor nurse I’d say you need at least five years experience. Coming into this I only had two.

So the director was completely right to say she planned to treat me like a brand new nurse. I was relieved when she said that, and think of it still as I’m driving home and my mind is busy again thinking about all the things that went on. If I’m a brand new nurse it makes sense why I’m questioning if this or that is worth notifying the doctor. It seems that more often then not the answer is yes you had better.

And then the doctor will order things and you’ve got to put them all into the computer. This is the part you have to do because if you don’t then the pharmacy isn’t notified and the lab has no idea. This time the weekend supervisor did it for me, which I was very thankful for, but it still doesn’t help me learn to do it by myself. They walk me through it and I’ve done it several times but not enough for it to stick.

Confidence was one of things I was supposed to work on according to my employee evaluation. That and making the scheduler more aware of availability. I do feel more confident when it comes to what to actually do with a person. I’m supposed to train 7-11 the next two nights and if we have time I am going to ask her to show me how to put the oxygens machines together and how to put in the orders.

And to tell me exactly what I would do if there was a code. I’m just trying it out and am free to not like it and say no to those hours. This is all if I don’t get a call from a boss saying I majorly screwed something up and am done. That med error write-up lives in my calendar, as a reminder to me that I want to be confident but not too much so.

The day included a few outings. Dad and the kids left early to help set up for a family reunion that was happening in Chatham. I was feeling weak and said that I likely would just be coming separately. It isn’t terrible, but it’s that’s feeling like the energy is leaking out with my steps and the only way it goes away is to rest and recover. So I went back to bed and stayed there until I felt better enough to meet them there around 1.

Jessica, Jason, and the girls were there and we stayed until around 2:30. There was a birthday party for one of the babies at church which we stopped by as well. On the way there we stopped by Dollar General for a card. My daughter asked if all families were like this, where you stop by minutes before the party to get the person a card. I told her it was likely all families were not like this, but rather families with people like me.

She wasn’t mad about it. After that we drove her to Miles’ house and stopped by Walgreens on the way there. I’d printed off a picture to include with his going away gift. I went in to say hello, and then goodbye, and to see how all of the packing was going. He has to be there a little earlier for soccer and has two roommates from Spain or South America or somewhere. His mom said he could bring some home over break.

How is it already August. Earlier in the week I texted my sister-in-law and told her my week was wide open. It slowly filled in with things either for us or the kids, but not before we scheduled Thursday and Friday to spend the day in St. Louis. We left around 8 yesterday morning and dropped the van off at the shop. They said there was nothing wrong with it but it’s been making a louder noise. My daughter and I both noticed it.

After that we drove down, it only takes us two hours now. The boys worked on moving things and putting things together. The girls painted the last room still needing it. We took an afternoon break and didn’t do as much but then rallied again in the early evening before supper to get the basement unpacked and the play area set up. We went to Sam’s for a living room rug and then to Target for panel to cover the shelves.

After supper we watched the Olympics. I didn’t really care that much but they had been watching the women’s gymnastics. I didn’t care about the swimming, I didn’t care about the track events that hadn’t even started yet, I just didn’t. They’re still waiting for a new mattress so they’ve been sleeping on the guest bed but gave us the bed for the night. There was also plenty of space between couches and futons and the upstairs room.

I’ll probably come back and write more later but one of the boys needs the computer for right now. They’re starting a new Minecraft world tonight with the camp server.// I didn’t feel happy when Simone Biles won. The announcer kept saying that she was the greatest gymnast of all time. Why? My mind automatically flashed to other gymnasts I’d paid more attention to. Shawn Johnson. Nastia Liukin. 2008 had been the last time.

I wanted Shawn Johnson to win the all-around gold then. Why? Because she was cuter? More popular? And for whatever reason I wasn’t happy either when Nastia won instead of Shawn, though she did at least get a gold in the balance beam. Simone Biles had already won once. Why not give somebody else a chance? But then I saw the silver medalist hold up her Brazilian flag and smile. And she looked proud to be holding it.

So then I thought, “Okay”. If she could get the silver Olympic all-around medal twice and still be happy, I wasn’t going to remain where I was. And her smile warmed my heart, and I had to go back and look up the names. As soon as I saw them I remembered. Tatiana Gutsu. Svetlana Boginskaya. Lilia Podkopayeva. It didn’t matter where they were from. The repetition of their names and the grace in their routines still won me over.

Dad, the boys, and I picked up sticks and branches in the afternoon. We made piles for Wayne to come pick up with the tractor and after that I’m not sure what he did with them. I’m blanking right now what we even did in the morning. The boys have been sleeping in and the adults have been too compared with our normal waking time. I had more of a slow morning writing in my journal, reading, and doing floor exercises.

The other kids were still at camp for the day. I feel like I have been pretty patient and understanding about them doing their young adult/teenage away from home things but I did start to get a little antsy in the day and sent them a mom text about needing to be considerate about other people’s families. I was also asking what their plans were and if any of them were planning on being there for any meals, and if so to let me know.

I called my grandma this evening, as it had been a while again. I wanted to call her on my grandparents’ anniversary on the 19th. She and my grandpa would’ve been married for 72 years this year. I thought of him this past Friday when I was at work, I can’t remember now which resident it was, or what I was doing that made me think of him. Elianna is out with Miles for his last youth group meeting before going to college.

A storm blew in during the early morning. I saw it once it had already gotten here and watched from the window. It’s amazing to me how much even the big trees can blow back and forth. After a while I checked the flood spots and the one in the schoolroom was fine because the towels had already been lined against the wall during the prior week’s sprinkle. But the boys’ room had another flooded mess. I tiptoed into their room and felt the squish beneath my feet once I was close enough to the corner area.

So the boys have moved to the school room again while things dry out and the smell dies down. Dad and the boys did some cleanup in there later in the morning while I drove my niece halfway back to her mom. It was next on my list to get to their room and work together to give it a reset before school starts. It actually doesn’t look too bad in there now as far as the floor goes but something else is going to have to be done about whatever is wrong that is causing the flooding. I know you have to get to the deeper issues of things in order for something to truly be fixed.

The older kids are trying to absorb every moment they can with the camp friends. Ethan and Adam rode their bikes into town to meet Miles and Graham at their house. The girls met up with them once they’d gotten there. Elianna still texts me as she’s moving from here to there with the caravans, sometimes more than I would now expect. I have mixed feelings about the apps where you can track their locations. With Ethan at least, I told him last summer it was enough for me that God knows where you are.

(*photo credit: JWT)

It’s been a good couple of days wrapping up with the camp things. Most of the counselors have left for the summer though there still are a few stragglers remaining for a day a two. It’s always bittersweet closing out with a camp season because it marks again the continued passing of time with another experience lost, never to be lived again. Just like as a mom you get better at moving through the seasons, or at least recognizing the transient nature of them, the same thing happens as a camp wife.

The past couple of weeks seem to have finally caught up with me. There wasn’t time to rest before, or I chose not to for whatever reason. Laura’s mom came out yesterday to spend some time again at the lake. She likes it and it’s something that doesn’t hurt her knee. She and her husband donated a second paddleboard to camp so now we have two to use when people come over. Laura’s bike ride across the entire state of Iowa went well. They start the ride at the Missouri River and then finish at the Mississippi.

Earlier I’d started whining with eyes scanning desperately across the calendar. Where’s the vacation? None of it seemed like enough and there was too much work in adulthood and death truly was a sweet relief from this life. But then I said, “Listen, I really just need you to give me a hug, tell me it’s going to be okay, and give me permission to lay down for a while.” He was readying food for lunch when the girls and I got home from the store. I told him thanks and that someday I wanted to take care of him too.

The days are better, the nights are still so long
Sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road
~Cab, sung by Train~

Today was the CILCA homecoming which is what camp does to mark the end of the summer. It’s always disappointing that more people don’t come but even with who was here it was still good. It was a decent and expected turnout based on how things have gone in the past. I was talking to one of the moms for a while and while we were doing so she said out of nowhere, “Oh my gosh your teeth are so white. What do you use?”

I’m pretty sure no one has ever said that to me before and I really don’t think they’re as white as she was making them out to be. I was like, “Uhhh, just the Crest whitening strips but it’s been a few years”. She was asking about school(!) and internship and asked if I’ve worked with people who were ghetto. I told her I didn’t think I had. There’re people who are entitled and think you owe them and others who are very thankful.

She’s a social worker who works for the state. Social workers have more opportunities and make more money than counselors, I have no idea why. It can really depress me and rile me up when I hear how state workers make all this money for hardly doing any work. I’m not talking about her, just in general. And then you’ve got people like these hardworking DCE’s who do all these things and basically make pennies in comparison.

I’ve told more people about the homeschool, including my mother-in-law and the principal where the boys were going to school. It’s crazy to me how some people just completely get your life choices and you can talk about homeschooling like it’s the most normal thing in the world. And then there are others who just don’t seem to think it’s as cool or exciting. Trinity was very good to us and if we needed to we would call again.

We took the camp staff out for supper. They hang out for the weekend and still have closing chores to do but it’s become a tradition that we do this with them. Sometimes it makes me wish we had more friends to hang out with, like how did we start out in life with having so many friends?? Like one said, “Camp and college life, it’s not real”. It’s real but there are other parts of life that are real too and you will find your own way.

On Friday Ethan had a race at Detweiller Park in Peoria. Every year they have these races where people run in the evening until it eventually gets dark. They start with the the kids’ fun run which is 1000M. It was very cute and they even had a few very small runners, maybe ages 3-4, where the individual children were running with parents. The open race and the rest were 3 miles, starting at 7. The boys and my niece came along.

Dad and Elianna watched from camp. It was the last night of the camp season so they had to be there more than the others. Ethan and Matt spent the past week helping out at another camp up north. On their way home from there they picked up my niece in Rochelle who wanted to come for the weekend. The kids wanted food before the race but I told them we had to wait until afterward. We found a nice spot under a tree.

The race was fun. Top 25 get a medal and he placed 24th. I thought he was trying to go for the medal but he said he was just running. I was happy and thankful. We have a cousin who was also running in the high school boys race, the last race of the night at 10PM. We were sitting by them in the early hours. I asked him if he had any goals. He said under 15:50. We didn’t stay to watch but we watched from here. He made his goal.

The schoolroom is nice and clean and picked up. Today we finished decluttering and cleaning underneath the couches and throwing more things away. I’ve said this before, how there are these times when the things that I couldn’t let go of before become things I can more easily get rid of. The peace and space of having things gone is better to me than trying to hold on to whatever memory or hope was attached to them.

Like my Bible maps for example. The boys used them for wars with their army men but that’s about it. It was a childhood memory of having posters to look at of the Middle East and Bible cities and towns. It was a grown up hope to use them for something teaching related. We have a 8×10 laminated map that can be stored in the normal homeschool bins. I kept the story ones but rolled them up and put them away in a bin.

The math manipulatives, the multiplication and sight word flash cards, the posters of cursive and regular handwriting, all of it I threw away or put in a pile of things to donate. They can read now, they can write now, they can all do math now, thank goodness. That isn’t even where we do school anymore but it’s still nice to have the space picked up and decent for hosting outside people and for also enjoying ourselves.