I officially told the boys we’re transitioning out of morning birthday balloons. I wasn’t referring strictly to the balloons per se, but more in regard to the production that has been involved these years with the kids and birthdays. The birthday sign, chalkboard drawings, balloons, photo albums, and in some years when I thought of it, Dollar General plates and napkins.

The transition actually began several years ago, when on January 6th I was in the ER. I had not put anything up for my son and for the rest of that year the days were thrown off. It was simply one long endless night. I sometimes wish I would’ve written more here, but there was nothing to say, nothing new to report. I would write when I was better and could endure the screen light.

That was another weird symptom that I had. For as tired as I was I couldn’t sleep. I would lie in bed awake. By the evening I would feel as though I was on the verge of a seizure. Mid-January through March were truly the worst. It didn’t feel like I was going through hell, but more like a more comfortable outer suburb of it. I praised the Lord when I’d finally taken nap.

I sometimes wonder now if it was a side-effect of the medicine. The problem was that I needed to take it. It was the only thing that brought any relief in that it made being conscious tolerable. I told the doctor it was like being in pain, except it wasn’t pain, it was some vibration in my nerves, some indescribable state that no one could give me an answer as to what it was happening.

At times things return and I get discouraged: The shortness of breath and fatigue upon walking. The shaking in bed when I lie down at night is still always there. Two times today this Psalm, “Then I thought, ‘To this I will appeal; the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.'”

We had the morning to ourselves again. The past couple of nights and days we’ve been asking for and missing each other, but the timing just has not been right. Tim has been here during the day replacing windows and fixing trim. I’ve been more tired again the past couple of days. Nights have been taken up with series shows that Dad and the kids watch together. I thought about texting, but sometimes someone is talking to Miles.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep. I feel like sleeping times as well as arrangements is one of those discovered things about marriage where there could grow to be some serious incompatibility. What if one person goes to bed or gets up earlier? What waking for an infant was in the decade of birthing babies seems to have morphed into a different level of expected and adjusted to sleeplessness for love’s sake.

But I will go downstairs if it’s been too long and I start to sense the that 5 o’clock hour would be too early to undo the hours of thinking it took to get me back to a sleeping state. I fell back asleep thinking of my aunt, and woke to the daylight after a stark dream where I was bawling my eyes out watching a movie about her life. My parents came up earlier this month and together we watched her remembrance service here.

I’m still thinking about this Elisabeth Elliot book I mentioned, and feeling like I did not articulate the fullness of what was truly bothering me. I don’t think it was because a famous and respected Christian woman had flaws. This was woman was married three different times. Her first marriage, of course, was the famous one to Jim. Then there was the one to Addison Leitch which, and this is what bothered me, started before

his marriage to his wife of 30 years was even over. While she was battling cancer he was meeting with Elisabeth giving her compliments and kisses. It was only mentioned happening once. Was it a full-blown affair, no, but did the two of them having feelings for each other? Absolutely. Addison was remarried to Elisabeth less than six months after his wife died, and according to Elisabeth this was all such a joyous gift from God.

That was not all. Then Addison dies this horrible death from cancer only a few years later. She was sure God would heal him even as he wasted away. She accepted God’s will and nursed him for months until he died. As time went on she longed more and more for a man. There was one who had been in her life for several years, but she didn’t love him. He was not in the same league as Addison or Jim in Elisabeth’s eyes.

But she married him anyway, and then toward the end of the book the author states how Elisabeth within two weeks of their marriage had told her closest family and friends that she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. This was an intelligent woman who had known two happy marriages before and no similar statements about those marriages were reported by the author, though both had known their ups and downs.

That her third “mistake” of a marriage then lasted 38 years was disturbing. All while the happy ones were both grotesquely cut short. There were reports of her third husband being angry and controlling, even as he had been so pursuing and helpful to her in her former years of widowhood. So why was this all so disturbing to me? Because if her marriage truly was a mistake, then I feel like she should’ve been able to get out of it.

One of the reasons I don’t like posting here in the morning is because too much happens in a day to put it down then. I was rushed, overwhelmed with thought but also trying to make a deadline of fixing potatoes for my mother-in-law’s lunch she was hosting for the auction workers. They had an auction and sold most of my father-in-law’s farm stuff. Josh sent a picture of the combine being driven off the property down the half mile lane.

It was just as grievous as Solomon said it was, where a man toils and works for it to all be left to somebody else, strangers and friends alike bidding on items with the hope of gain. The auction actually did very well, which is good for the one left behind needing money. I get overwhelmed sometimes when in the presence of great wealth. I can’t even imagine. It might be the closest I get to envy when it comes to money. I’ve never known a poor farmer.

Okay, I take that back, because my grandpa wasn’t rich. The only money they really had came from my grandmother’s inheritance. It’s still there supporting her, and she offers it to be used for anyone who wants to travel to visit. It’s the best my mother-in-law can do with her own house, opening it up for others who in that day are passing by. It’s a lovely place but today it seemed cruel, being destined for aloneness without a partner to share the home with.

I packed up the food and called the secretary to let her know I was picking up the boys early. We’d been invited to join everybody for lunch. The table was set and the shed nearly empty. One guy bid from all the way from Iowa for a tractor. His was the highest but he isn’t able to make it out until Saturday. I’m still processing one of the Ellen Vaugh biographies on Elisabeth Elliot I recently finished. Some books just end up leaving you feeling more disturbed.

She was beset with all of the same character flaws and shortcomings as the rest of mankind. This used to be more of a comfort for me, to hear that even the so-called Christian role models were normal, but in some ways it still is disappointing. Angels may not be on the same level of “special” as we are since only humans are made in the image of God, but they sure do consistently get one thing right that we don’t. They won’t stand to be worshiped.

As the first semester quarter is winding down my mind is opening up to remember people in my life who get crowded out otherwise. A DCE mom asked if I’d like to come out on a Saturday and help them make prayer cards. I’m finally now getting back to her. We did make a plan to meet again for coffee, a monthly habit we have been trying to form.

Meanwhile, I ran into another pastor’s wife while visiting churches. We used to get together more. Once I stopped homeschooling the boys, I slowly faded away from the homeschooling group we had also tried to form and kept up for a few years. Truthfully I’d faded from it long before that, though I tried to be loyal despite my parched thirst for friendships that deeper suited my needs.

“I just don’t have time for friends”, she said, exasperated by this life that can become so full with good things, your own set of hardships, and the day-to-day tasks of survival as livelihood. I know the story and don’t in any way fault her for it. She’s always looking at me with glistening eyes, in wonder of how I am so far ahead of her in the parenting journey.

And then there was another I caught up with on the phone while out for a walk. It’s always good to catch up. She doesn’t have the same absence of peers or families more of her age. Their church is booming with fellow mothers and classical homeschooling families. She’s not homeschooling anymore though, and I don’t fault her for that either. She too has surpassed me in immediate busyness.

What do I admire now? I thought it was people raising families or women who could keep their house from falling apart. And then it was those who did not lose their joy, who maintained Christian hope in spite of trials. A teacher emailed yesterday, begging forgiveness for falling asleep in church. Is it wrong to say that each is truly perfect as they are?

Two times recently someone has asked me if I am almost done with school. The answer I give them is sadly, no. Without the school closing stuff I was supposed to be done at the end of this year. I do not know now how long it will be or have any yet of finding out. While UIS has tentatively been approved as one of the teach-out programs, they will not have the official word until the HLC has a meeting in April. The people at UIS prefer to wait until after that meeting has happened before moving too far with any students.

So while I’ve sent my transcripts and filled out an application, there’s just this waiting period now. In the grand scheme of life this is not a huge problem, I just liked having everything laid out before where you knew when the classes were and when you were taking this or that. School for me has currently lost some of its luster as I will not have any more classes with the women my age who I had sort of made friends with.

The intensive I had has been officially dropped and the money borrowed returned to the lender. I really wasn’t up for it at all. The kids had another holiday of school today. Josh has been running a mile every day and Elianna today joined him with some of the still remaining snow. The boys played outside and spied on the kids’ group who was here for a confirmation retreat. They wanted to have a snowball fight with the other kids but they were busy. I had an assignment to turn in so I did that most of the day.

We went to church in Chatham this morning. The student council is doing this thing where the students are invited to attend a service at each of the several association churches. There usually aren’t very many students that come. Ethan’s old friend who is a girl was there along with her parents and siblings. I had determined when we got there that I was going to wave at her mom and just be normal again.

They had talked for almost two years via email. Senior year homecoming he finally asked her to a dance. It was funny and fun seeing him wanting to find a tie to match her dress. Neither of us knew what we were doing and I was trying to make things way more complicated by coordinating with the dress instead of full-on matching it. Once I understood that it really was as simple buying a purple tie, it was fine.

I used to read their emails–not very often, maybe a handful of times. I really just wanted to know what in the world they were talking about. I knew something was wrong when after the dance she didn’t talk to him hardly at all for the first 24 hours. That was the last dance they went to together. I’d seen her mom soon after the dance and she said the thing about how she’d had a good time as just friends.

It’s not that I was mad at the girl or the mom. They both are very sweet people. But I was a tad bit hurt that she couldn’t have just been a little more honest at the game when I saw her. I was prepared for a full on depression and heartbreak situation but he really seemed to bounce back fine. He had a friend who was good to him and had been through a similar situation with a girl. I stopped reading his emails then.

The older kids went back for youth group tonight. While they were gone Dad and I took the boys to Cancun. I told them earlier that I’d been in contact with the tooth fairy. She wanted them to take inventory of unaccounted for teeth. She goes on vacation, or gets busy, or forgets. Their teeth have definitely gotten more valuable as the years have gone on, at times worth five, ten, twenty dollars a piece.

I was today years old
when I finally decided
that talking is pointless
and coaching your lover
brings little reprieve

It took me a while
to think that maybe
we need more than skills
we need grace
and forgiveness

For all have sinned
and fallen short
though I thought
I told you exactly
where the mark was

But who am I
to hold up
To say that
I am done trying
for barren grey

Call me a fool
I know I raise
the red flags
in frantic search of
the white ones

A child knocked
and said he’d lost
his silver molar
I thought about saying
I’d email the tooth fairy

Love isn’t supposed
to be a band-aid
but in this case
seems like clearly
the only way back to sanity

The kids woke up to a surprise snow day this morning. Josh went to take them all, but on the way into the grade school, not only were the roads slick but there was a line of cars backed up to the gas station. So he turned around and decided just to keep everyone home. Fridays are also his day off in the winter. They watched a movie and Elianna went down to the program director’s apartment to work on a puzzle. The boys made a ramp for when they went sledding.

Today was another scheduled dayshift day. I was supposed to be finishing training on Spring but they’d had a call-in so I ended up getting pulled over to Summer. I was fine with that and had halfway expected it. Getting pulled is when you were supposed to be on one floor but you get moved to another in order to deal with staffing issues. On summer there’s the “front half” and the “back half”. I had the front half. The other nurse was very patient and helpful.

So training now is going to look like being on my own with help. I don’t know what this means as far as getting on the schedule. I really am liking this job and am thankful to have it. The management is good, most of the nurses are nice, the aides do their thing and occasionally we overlap in patient rooms. There’s just an element of having to suffer through the newness and not knowing where room 20 is when you’re standing right in front of it. But now I’ll always know.

Dad drove us down to the bottom of the big camp hill. The ground is hard enough that we didn’t have to worry about getting stuck. The taps have been in the trees I think for almost two weeks. This is the year is the highest yield of sap we’ve ever had. We collect it in 5-gallon buckets and then store them in the camp fridge. It really could be sap collecting galore around here, the issue is how to process it all.

Today was a work-at-home kind of day, nothing too crazy, just the normal things. I went to the grocery store in the afternoon and bought some more food to have for suppers. There was a woman in front of me apologizing for her massively full cart. She said she was doing an instacart run for someone who she thought was apparently stocking her deep freezer. I said, “Oh it’s okay, I have five kids, I understand.”

My cart was only about a third of the way full though. Thankfully a cashier opened up another lane and waved me over. “Sorry about your wait, ma’am”, he said, to which I replied, “Oh it’s okay, I have five kids, I understand”, meaning like I’ve been that person holding up the line. He said he had five kids too. I don’t even try to get the food all at once now. I have to break it into increments otherwise it’s too much.

When I just solely focus on food-making, I actually really like it. Not enough to plan in-depth, but enough to have a general idea of what I could make and how many nights I have something for. I like having food on the table for people when they come home from all of their various places. My daughter came home from track while I was in the middle of making supper. I told her I was trying to be a good wife.

And have everything ready for when Dad and the boys came home from Menards. I was saying it kind of jokingly because she’d said something to me about five different times before I answered her she said. I didn’t even know she was home. I was texting another child about other things. “So now you just need him to be a good husband”, she said, “and have him tell you when he’s coming home.” I finally did call him.

They were right around the corner. I was listening to more marriage podcasts today and I just–sometimes I just get disturbed by the sayings. I want so bad for things to be equal, that if you’re going to say this then you better say that. And they’re trying. People are trying to keep as many people happy as possible, to be considerate, to be sensitive. Sometimes I think we’re all just making this harder than it needs to be.

I’m calling it the curse of trying too hard. Is there such a thing as the phase of settling in? Cause that’s where I’m at, where I think we are now at. Maybe I’m completely wrong, but it’s like we’ve been through the adjusting and thrashing and clashing. There’s a level of acceptance where disappointment falls away, and you think maybe what the Bible said was true, that the hope produced by suffering became something real.

Today was the first day I drove to work in the daylight. I like it so much better this way. The boss asked today I how felt things were going. She basically said it’s up to me as far as how much time I think I need. I am starting to get that feeling like I might just have to jump in and go for it sooner rather than later. I’m not going to be able to know everything beforehand. As long as I have someone I can ask, and on day shift I do.

After work I picked up my son from the bus stop. He’d just gotten there so it wasn’t like he had waited too long. Yesterday he called me from the kids’ car phone. Elianna had gone to run and he was bored after she’d disappeared to stop and talk with the soccer girls. I tried to not miss the moment, realizing that having one of my kids call me because they were bored and just wanted to talk was a dream come true.

I meant to stop by the store and get a Valentine’s Day card on the way home but forgot. I was able to get one on the way into church. I like seeing people in the store buying Valentines things for their special person. Dad and the kids went to the church meal and I met them there later. I’ve gotten more used to the ashes tradition. I’ve been missing my kids again more thinking of former life stages. Those times were so grand.