According to my patient list, I am up to six couples. I laugh when I say it. Two of them come tomorrow for their initial assessment sessions. The way they do it, which is common from what I’ve seen, you only get paid per client session. So anytime I’m doing notes or the more upfront work of completing the assessments and writing a treatment plan, you don’t get paid for that. They say they factor it into the hourly session pay rate.

I currently make more money at my nurse job, but it’s close. It’s close enough for me to feel satisfied that I am making enough money. Having a set wage is nice instead of a certain percentage of the insurance reimbursement, especially in this case when I am seeing more couples. No one seems to know why, but insurance companies typically reimburse around 30% less with couples than what they pay with an individual session.

My boss says she thinks it has to do with couples or family therapy not being medically necessary, which when you’re billing insurance, you have to prove with your note. The whole thing seems so overly complicated and cumbersome, but for now I am just grateful that there is someone there to manage it. All I have to do then is focus on them. I wasn’t at Hope today, I was at Thrive. I had an empty hour from a cancellation.

I wanted to clean the bathroom. In fact I was all excited that I had some extra time to do it. But then for whatever reason I decided not to. I need to remember to bring a spray or something I can use for baseboards and walls. I came home and Elianna was here to clean out the moldy parts of the fridges. She noticed down at main camp that whatever food was still in there was growing mold so she made some plans to come clean that.

Zorro was here for the past two days. He had a moment of rumble growling when I tried to put on his leash. So we didn’t go for a ride but he went outside for a while. Other than that he was completely fine and we went for walks and he played outside with the boys in the snow. The boys had a snow day yesterday due to ice, cold, and snow. We took one of our cats to the vet and he was given medicines for a recent onset of a UTI.

This afternoon we saw Return of the King. I was surprised that the theater wasn’t that full, which I am assuming had either something to do with the weather or the fact that it was the second showing after last weekend’s opening. For a moment I felt bad for Peter Jackson, like that he had worked so hard on this film at one point, and now who really cares? It was over four hours long from start to finish and was a wonderful time.

To me the most detestable character was Denethor, followed maybe by Gollum. Wormtongue would’ve been up there but he redeems himself at the end by stabbing Sarumon, the evil wizard, in the back. In both of the battles, I kept wondering why Gandalf didn’t have more wizard magic he could use. He was the one with seemingly the most goodness and powers. It used to be that Sam was my favorite of all of them.

I think he still is but this time I liked Legolas. Miles said he’s too pure and doesn’t have any flaws. But that’s why I liked him. He was confident in his archery and not self-important. I do not think he once despaired, like several of the others at various times. He had an invincibility and perseverance to him in a way that came off as not even having to try. I’ll never understand why Frodo wasn’t able to just throw the ring in.

I want to get back
to my city by the bay
~Lights, sung by Journey~

One of the reasons I chronicle my happiness is because I need solid reminders in times when I am faced with my inevitable pain points. For whatever reason I’ve been finding love and peace in Journey with their passion and soulfulness and Steve Perry’s perfect voice. I asked my Dad what his favorite Journey song was and he said it was the entire Infinity record along with the song Happy to Give. So I read the words and listened to it.

I’m right here, I thought. Ugh, I’m right here. We pulled into the movie theater and parked by the light post. Elianna and Miles were already inside. We walked inside and confirmed out tickets. The boys had a gift card to get popcorn. We arrived in the middle of Peter Jackson’s into that he’s been doing for each of the movies. The first time I saw him I leaned over and whispered, “Is that Merry?” I didn’t recognize the person.

“That’s Peter Jackson”, who I knew was the director, and suddenly the person talking made so much more sense. This time we watched The Two Towers. It used to be my favorite of the three but this time I did not feel as moved. I think it’s because it was the extended version with which I was not as familiar. But not feeling as moved did not mean I didn’t like it. I did. I really enjoy these movies and their immaculate production.

It was a good first day of work. Everyone has been super kind and supportive. The people there seem to like each other and get along for the most part. The transition from intern to non-intern feels pretty seamless so far. You’ve basically doing what you’ve already been doing except it’s in a different place. I saw my first couple today and I think it went alright. That was the weirdest part, the nearly ten year age gap.

I felt young in comparison, and like they wondered if someone like me could really help. This was my first time having to get history from two people at once, but not the first time in trying to keep the session moving and on point with time. There’s often so much they want to jump in and talk about. I have learned and learned again today that you do not ask what brought them in until you have asked the rest of the needed questions.

The hour goes fast. I am feeling something but cannot necessarily pinpoint what it is. I think it has to do with the nature of this professional revolving around forming relationships with many people. These people come in looking for help and with hope that something in their life and ways of experiencing being alive can change. I am not afraid to suffer with people but I am in some ways afraid of what it takes to get there.

Because it takes time and getting comfortable with people. It takes love and attunement and caring more about what people say. It takes trusting the process and not getting caught up in your head about doing things right or saying things wrong. In school we talked a lot about here and now counseling and it was mostly just a term to me. But I can see how that is needed guide. You attend to what is coming up in the moment.

With couples especially I feel an extra pressure to make “progress”. But I think if I can concentrate on making the hour a good experience, on helping the couple feel and experience connection during the time there, then maybe that will be enough to keep those hours working for them. I am a very cerebral person and not always quick to enter into what I’m feeling. It’s a mix of sweet and bittersweet, gratitude and hoping.

Tomorrow is my first day of seeing clients (that word…). I think patient is actually a better word but I have now been reprogrammed. There hasn’t been much to report these days as all I’ve been doing is sticking to the basics of my simple routine. The housework did get done this morning which was sweeping, tidying, and vacuuming the living room. This evening I did laundry to make sure I had the long socks I wanted.

Several area schools have cancelled tomorrow because of cold. The boys are hoping their school cancels but no one is holding their breath. We have plans to go see Lord of the Rings this weekend since they are re-releasing the trilogy in theatres. Last Friday we saw the first one and Saturday and Sunday we’re supposed to see the second and third. There are supposed to be several inches of snow Sunday morning before the show.

Today we had a mandatory in-session for nursing staff. They had to review the areas that state had tagged us on. It’s normal to have a few tags and the directors were pleased with the results. I can’t remember if I’ve said this but I am grateful now to have a different way to be employed and make money. At first I was feeling bad that I wasn’t jumping right in to full time work, but thinking about it longer I think this way is nice too.

After walking around the lake we decided to walk to the creek. Most of it was dry except for a few area which were still frozen over. The temperature made it up to the high thirties today which is a much better walking temp than the single digits. It was me, Dad, and the youngest. None of us had ever walked the creek bed in winter before. Sometimes in the summer it dries up but if it does it’s usually still very muddy.

It was another normal day. For the past two days my housework box has remained unchecked. I just forget about it and by the time I remember it is later in the day and just isn’t the time. I don’t think it’s going to work to just leave that area up to a box. Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t have more of a system. It really was one of those things where you finally just give up and decide it will have to wait until later.

When we’re in our little bubble the world feels perfect and right. The days are cozy, the house is warm, the food is enough, and the love is content. Tonight we went to County Market to replenish some of my diet essentials. We had plenty for supper since it was just the three of us. The boys were at school and had youth group tonight. I never wanted to be the one to judge, but nowadays I wouldn’t do it any other way.

These days feel so wonderful and I love wintertime. My aunt and I were talking about her word for the year which is “renewal”. After losing her sister and mom in a relatively short time, she feels a lightness in her heart that she hasn’t felt in quite a while. She is newly retired and focusing some time on her health. I was telling her about my new job and just how grateful I am for it. Something about it has seemingly checked every box.

I still have to really get started but I’m enjoying it for now. The wonderful thing about these license hours is that I can count all my reading. Two new books came in the main. The first is called Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. With it I ordered the companion workbook which gives outlines for individual exercises as well as for leading group sessions. I’m excited to use and apply material that I’ve been learning for so long.

My Gottman and online somatic courses will also count. The somatic thing is one of those dreams I am going to pursue, no matter how cumbersome or potentially weird it sounds or feels. The face-to-face hours will come as they are meant to, though the idea of needing over three times as many hours as I did for my total internship hours makes it seem a far off hope. I can’t worry about all that and must stick with one day at a time.

I do ask God to direct my mind because it does seem to be always veering. I could be a recluse for most of my days and not a soul would seem to mind. As long as I am appearing for meals and providing joy with my meager but made with love cheeseburger Bisquick pot pies, they are content. I lie in bed half asleep and still feel haunted by the passing of time. The voices tell me I need to be out there. I know I do.

When the kids were little it was my anger and lack of patience that made me feel like a failure at night. The guilt stole joy and erased many wonderful hours. These days its succumbing to the aloneness and immersion into my own internal and outer worlds. I still have work to do. I still have souls to invest in and bodies to be close to and think about and care for, somehow still clinging to the need to be a mom as they are grown.

My new calendar has a section for the days of the week. For each day you can write things. I am thinking this is going to be the key to accomplishing tasks. I can’t necessarily have a routine where I do the same thing every day. But I can write down everything I want to make sure I do in that day, and then when I do it I can check off the box. I write it all down: water, walking, Bible, housework, plus whatever else comes up.

I think it’ll work and I like it already. It just seems that as life goes on the more organized I need to be. I’ve been working on a booklet to use as a personal reference. It has all the handouts from the Gottman training, plus I think I’m going to type up my own sheet with my personal philosophy for working with couples. So far I have been assigned to three of them, plus three individuals. I feel like I could definitely do more.

But they start you off slow you do not get overwhelmed. We have reached the frigid days of winter where it’s very unpleasant to be outside. I love being inside and being grateful for the warmth. It was Martin Luther King Day so everyone had the day off. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and had the boys work on theirs as well. They’re all still sleeping in the schoolroom which is what they do around Christmas.

I feel excited about going to church now. There’s a lightness to the morning where it feels like going to church is just what you do, what you want and intend to do, and what you have always done. We have not reached a consensus on where we should join. Today we went to Auburn which is my favorite of the Lutheran churches. There is a spirit of friendliness and family love and the service is traditional but more relaxed.

The two major issues are 1) the distance since it is 40-45 minutes away, and 2) the fact that it is not an association church with the high school. If we want a tuition break we have to stay within the association. I’ve been told we’re not going to just be on the roster somewhere making the church pay for our kids while we’re actually going somewhere else. I don’t know why the rules have to be so different for our ways.

I do. The one we are in most agreement on is Trinity downtown which is the one with the split campus. Last week we went there and I decided that I could live with the divide and even get used to and be generally okay with it. We could even still go to Auburn every once in a while. Auburn has an active youth group with many kids who go to camp. I like not having to preserve my energy and that I can just have the whole day.

Really I just long for community, fellowship, and a place to serve. I can’t stand the separate islands.

We’re officially a little over halfway through with Whole30. I said from the beginning people could modify for the needs. My aunt has been regularly doing classes at the gym and the foods that she started with were not enough to sustain her through her cardio workouts. So she added beans and a few forms of dairy. I know I need to exercise more but I just haven’t formed that part into a and then my personal regular routine yet.

My biggest temptations are chips, crackers, and cheese. When I see the cheese and want to eat it I think of the people who don’t drink alcohol and are inundated with the presence of it everywhere. These people have to learn to work through their cravings and it can take years before they finally go away more. With others it doesn’t take them that long and even 90 days is enough to be through it but they still must maintain.

Some people struggle with the idea of day counting. Like why does one slip mean I messed up the whole thing? I don’t know what I think about the day counting thing. Ok, yes I do. A slip up would be a disappointment and a letdown. A relapse would be a devastation and a heartbreak. The difference has to do with the severity of the stronghold. To go from not having the substance and then reintroducing it creates an outcome that no one can safely predict.