I wore my grandmother’s sweater to church. It’s a darker grey with a red cardinal on it. She loved cardinals. It’s more like a fleece jacket that I like to wear when I need an extra layer to fend off the cold. Camp isn’t having their hog roast this year but we still had church for any camping people who wanted to come. The summer staff was also installed. I sat by the now divorced mom who we used to go on vacations with.

After church I was standing outside of the doorways watching people leave the chapel and greeting some as they came out. One of the older season campers came out and smiled a big smile and said to me, “Well you’re looking nice”. He reached out and touched my hair that was off to the side of my face after falling out of its braid. I smiled and said Thank you! and really laughed amazed. They just come up to me like this.

I had to work over the weekend. The first night was very smooth. The second night was smooth with the exception of a third of the residents sundowning. I tried to give a woman morphine and she batted my hand away and refused to take it so her daughter told me just to put it into her mouth which I did. I wish I could come away with more peace when I was done but still tend to end up praying I didn’t mess something up.

Thank God for those days where there is nothing going on and when you sit down to write there isn’t anything to say. You can love someone so much, or love a group of people, and also get to this point where you’re in this underlying, quiet, and seemingly permanent state of “You know, I love you, but I am currently so depleted that you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own.” The nurturing energy turns inward.

If you were blessed enough in life to have a nurturing woman who raised you I’ve always thought it kind of unfortunate that girls must grow up to leave their mothers to never be nurtured like that again. We all long to be taken care of, at least, that’s what I would think most human beings would long for and would actually need. For years it was “this village” I was sure I was missing, that absent older generation of women.

And then it was just like you realized you can’t waste any more of your energy wishing for something that wasn’t there. So what if it would help? So what if what you’re saying is true? I had to emotionally detach from Zorro in order to survive his several days of lying on the floor with a broken leg. Since then I haven’t been as close to him and haven’t really tried to do anything more with him. He is back to running and walking.

But what I mean is you just get used to going without. The other day I wrote in my journal, “I miss having friends but at this point it just seems like such a bygone comfort, I hardly notice.” This time of year I can get kind of bitter when I see the staff all together and existing in life. I can kind of resent their carefree lives and their seeming obliviousness to responsibility, and all the while they think they are more independent.

I know that’s not the way to be. The summer becomes a thing to survive instead of a time to be deeply engaged. I tend to think it’s kind of stupid that you’re supposed to be so proud of your husband for his work when that is the biggest thing that takes him away from you. Not stupid like you shouldn’t be proud, but more like it’s one of those stupid things in life that is hard but you manage to do it because the bitterness sucks.

“And the four living creatures said, ‘Amen!’ and all the elders fell down and worshipped.”
~Revelation 5:14~

I found myself drifting into fantasies of learning the business and computer things. The normal desk person, grateful for the flexibility but struggling to stay reliable and up-to-date with her tasks, was going to quit to be home with her kids more. She would train me and I could learn and it would suck but I could do it. I hate being incompetent and having to ask for repeated instructions but these sorts of things don’t stick in my mind.

And I would come back to group being a new and improved version. I can hardly stand being away and I thought to myself I’m just going to show up. But I can do this, it’s only ten or so days more until we can go back and I finally realized what I was doing, that my mind was once again working to hijack my life. I caught myself and prayed to God, “Take away these longings, these thoughts” and to my surprise and peace he did.

So then I just had a normal day of doing the house things. The boys are officially done with school and we debriefed on their book and how the school year had gone. Their school mostly consisted of self-led learning which I do not think is a bad thing and it’s how things had to be done with the older ones. My goal is to finish decluttering the living room including dusting the surfaces and cleaning the baseboards and floors.

The boys had their sectional meet in Pleasant Plains. Plains is one of those teams that really should be in the next class up but they are just barely under the cutoff for student population numbers. So they dominate many of the races to where it’s basically the Plains runners and everybody else. The energy was just a bit off for the evening with much of the crowd excitement being channeled into keeping warm from the cold.

But it was still a good time. Judah PR’d and got a medal in his 800. The relay team didn’t run their best with the handoffs being less than smooth and their fastest runner having just had a root canal. So they were kind of disappointed but it’s also the way things go sometimes. That’s the thing with sports, you have your peaks and your valleys and all of the races and towns and car rides and places in-between. It was still a good season.

Dad was discharged from the hospital in the afternoon. I left in the morning and spent the day up there with them. I was actually amazed at how fast the time went and how a person can be doing so well having just had their chest cut open. Can you even imagine having your job being to operate on peoples hearts? Like everyday that’s just what you do and then you just go home and sleep and watch tv or spend time with your family.

This pause in school has had me going somewhat insane. I was looking up nursing jobs at the hospital and I really couldn’t have asked for a better deal than the one I have now. My hourly wage is at the high end of what I’d make as a floor nurse and when you add extra for the weekend and evening differentials it’s even more. Hospital nurses don’t make nearly as much as they should when you consider their hours and duties.

Today I tackled a small project in the camp office. I cleaned off a shelf set and the drawers underneath to try and create some order in that space. They have stuff in there from 20-30 years ago and it just becomes the catch all for papers and people’s donations. Someone was cleaning out their dad’s house and donated an entire garbage bag worth of surge protectors and extension cords. I was pleased with the results.

The boys are working on finishing up Pilgrim’s Progress. It was one of those things I always wanted to do with the kids so I decided it was now or never and chose to do it with some of them. I’m pretty fatigued from the past several days so spent the rest of the morning resting until it was time to go into Thrive for my appointments. One woman has been getting progressively sicker so we did our session over the phone.

I hope she’ll be well enough to get back in soon. She has a lot going on. The younger man I’m seeing is someone I’m still finding it hard to relate to. I just feel somewhere like we’re not connecting and it’s one of those things where there’s nothing standing out as clear. I just feel so eager to get back there and continue practicing. I want to do legitimate healing work and therapy with people. It’s amazing to me all the needs.

The kids and I went and visited the hospital this evening. We brought cupcakes and balloons. I still get that itch whenever I’m walking through the hospital. I feel at home and my mind starts turning. Maybe I could just shadow in the ICU to learn. Or maybe I could work a cardiac floor like this, the 8+ patients each would be unpleasant but doable. Heck I could just throw myself into it and get an ER job and start the IV’s.

But I don’t think I ever could or would want to. It’s too much and too physical, and too incomplete for what I’m wanting out of life now. There’s too much depth you cannot go into in those places as important and useful as they still are. Nursing was like the first love that will always be part of me. Whatever I’m doing now, I haven’t found a word I fully like, it’s been like this unexpected and deeper love that is only still beginning.

On the way home from the hospital I was told that one of the local Lutheran teachers was arrested yesterday for domestic battery. I looked it up and sure enough there it was, his picture and hers as actual mug shots. Of course my mind, in addition to being mildly stunned, went crazy again–I could reach out to them, I could help them. I don’t know if this is one of those assignments or not. There are people who know things.

This morning we went to church. Our pastor still is out from his stroke and anticipates being out at least until through July. His walk is more like a shuffle and his voice was affected in that it is very weak and barely over a whisper. I saw him today but did not talk to him since I was already heading out the door to make lunch. Josh has been taking turns with other area pastors to cover the Sundays until he is back.

I kind of feel bad because I haven’t been more compassionate. I figure there are people who are helping them through this. I don’t know if anybody else would understand this but it’s almost like you get assigned to certain people. You know when you’re feeling or being led to help a person. My assignment is understanding that my husband has to do this and not be a pain when it comes to him having his own assignments.

That still sounds awful when I say it like that. I have thought that I should offer to bring them a meal. I haven’t gotten much done in the area of housecleaning. I am itching to get back to my internship site but it will come soon enough and there is still much to do here. Dad got his chest tubes and central line out today and they adjusted his medicines to hopefully help with the leg swelling. Tomorrow is his 68th birthday.

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days and today was no different. I spent the night at the hospital last night overlooking the sixth floor window. He actually had a great view of the night. He was much more tired by the time I got up there, after coming back to pack once baccalaureate was over. They can’t watch the patients as close on those floors.

I left in the morning once the surgeon’s nurse had been in and he’d been up for x-ray and eaten some breakfast. Josh and Elianna were up and the first thing I did was make some breakfast and drink coffee. I showered and rested for a while in bed. Elianna was in the office finishing up some final additions to her graduation speech which Josh wrote for her. She’s been dreading having to make this speech for several years.

I was hurt that I hadn’t been more involved in the process. This apparently had been their thing that they had talked about for years. I thought that I had been part of the whole speech writing topic/situation too, since I recall multiple times it’s come up in the past. My hurt over this at one point had turned into something it didn’t need to be.

It’s hard for me to be able to listen and not to want also to have my story told. But I’m accepting that this is an issue of mine where my hurt gets in the way of giving others their chance. And you can’t just assume that other people are like you and experience and process things in the same way. You have to learn how love gets to the person and understand that your infirmities and weaknesses also suck and can/do hurt people.

Graduation went well and afterward we went to Chili’s for lunch with the kids and both of our moms. Elianna had her medallion on and her graduation cap. She wore the dress I wore four years ago for Judah’s confirmation when I had lost so much weight. Josh’s dad would’ve loved to be there and we enjoyed soaking up another passing moment.

It’s been a busy day again. Mom called up to the ICU this morning to see how Dad was doing and the nurse said he was doing great and asked if she wanted to talk to him. He answered the phone like nothing had ever happened. Mom and I looked at each other in amazement and we both teared up. He was off the ventilator and they were wanting to get him up in a chair soon. By the middle of the day he was out of ICU.

So praised God for that. I’d googled it around 2 in the morning and it’d said the typical stay was anywhere between 24-48 hours so his was even less. When the surgeon came out yesterday I asked him how bad it was once he was in there. Using his hands he said a normal aorta is typically the size of a quarter and dad’s was nearly the circumference size of a tennis ball. Again Mom and I looked at each other amazed.

So we’re very thankful that things went so well. After Dad and the kids had waited out the heat delay at Elianna’s sectional meet, it ended up being rescheduled for today because of rain. It rained today again about halfway through and the meet was delayed for another 90 minutes. We waited out the storm in the cars and then the sun came out again. The girls finished their races and both of them were able to medal.

This evening we went over to my mother-in-law’s for supper. She is getting around really well after her surgery. The kids came over after practice and Josh and the boys and I met them there. Ethan went to practice too. She ordered from Monicals and we were supposed to pick it up so we did. It was funny because she ordered so much food.

Dad came out carrying three pizzas, two salads, two 2L sodas, and two orders of monkey bread. The boys were elated at the larger than normal sight of their feast. We pulled out of the parking lot and his mom called and said that Monicals just called her and they’d forgot to give us the breadsticks. We all looked at each other and my jaw dropped and then we laughed. We couldn’t believe that after all that there was more.

My dad has his surgery tomorrow. They’re supposed to get there around 9 in the morning to get prepped. Mom and I are planning to hang out for the day. He’s supposed to be in the ICU for a while and the hospital for about week. I said I would pray for him just like he prayed for Zorro who’s been doing well too.

“…To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins with his blood and made us a kingdom…”
~Revelation 1:5-6~

“Mom was gracious and kind and I respect the way she lived her life.” I don’t know, I still want something like this to be said about me. I guess it’s changed a little. Once you get with Jesus though who really cares? I have this picture of myself that I feel is in there, that I know is in there, and yet I still keep waiting for someone to see it and say it–around here. Out in the world I haven’t had the same problems.

If it comes it’s nice, but it isn’t something I need or even think about wanting. There’s the kind of quiet you are when you’re mad and they’ve seen that enough times. Then there’s the kind of quiet you are when you’re content and at peace. They still think I look mad then because something really happens where your faces freezes and the lines are not going back. I see it every day in the mirror and its hard to love.

I had this video review at Thrive and purposely didn’t dress up. I have no idea how the lighting from his window hit my face in that 50 minutes as I sat across from his desk, if it made things more visible or less. I’ve wanted to ask a couple of times, “Can you just tell me from a man’s perspective, do you think I’m beautiful at all?” But then I’ve thought that this is really just me being greedy. The answer isn’t my care.