Today in class we had a faculty candidate giving a teaching presentation. It lasted for about an hour and then we had a fifteen minute break before coming back to ask the teacher any more questions if we wanted. Our regular teacher said we could work on our projects if we wanted but that she had something to do at 5. So I left around then.

I saw Alexis while I was there and asked her how the time had gone after I’d left from our site last Thursday. She said she should’ve left when I did. She had a really good session with one of the moms but one of the workers kept coming into the room. I forgot to tell her that was one of those idiosyncrasies that came with working there.

She thinks they need to be pulled as a site and that the only way she’s going to make it is if she gets another site and knows she doesn’t have to do internship there. I don’t think it’s that bad. I don’t mean to frame this like she’s the unreasonable one and I’m the calmer, more mature one, but that is how it feels at times when we’re talking.

She has valid concerns, and like I said earlier, I’m trying to do my part to clean up my side of the street so that I’m more fully following proper procedures. After I left she was asked to watch the upstairs floor while one of the workers had to mediate a situation downstairs. While the worker was gone a kid threw up and she had to clean up the bed.

Cleaning up puke is not what we are going to school for. She’s totally right and I couldn’t believe that that had happened. I really like her and want her to stay but she did say yes to picking up hours at Memorial so she’s going to drop one of her Contact evenings. This is also why I picked up another site. I wanted a more professional side to things.

Part of it makes me second guess my judgment. They’ve had a student there an entire semester (myself) and haven’t heard a peep out of me in terms of any complaints. This new student is there for a week and has been in nearly regular contact with her faculty supervisor regarding all the issues she’s having. How is it I’ve been so numb to all this?

But part of me also thinks this is still good experience. It allows for evening hours which is something I wanted. You are exposed to levels of poverty and family dysfunction that make you just sit in quiet containment. The children get focused attention in a way that is different. I took the break over Christmas and feel like I have settled back in there.

So there’s that. As of now I don’t go back to Thrive until Friday. I don’t suppose it’s abnormal to be wondering in this process things like, “What am I going to do with this degree when I’m finished?” I thought through various ways of asking the supervisor, “What are the chances of me doing what Alex is doing and ending up working here?”

At Thrive you’re a private contractor and split the money 60/40. So you keep 60 and he gets 40. The benefits are having insurance and billing services covered. You have a clean cozy office space with no building maintenance. You have an already established business to streamline you patients. I feel like I could do at least three full days a week.

There are things I would like to do, like reserve five or so spots for those who couldn’t pay anything, or would get a reduced rate of $20. I could fill in for group or even start one of my own that I could do in the evenings. With 2000 more hours of supervised working I could upgrade my license from LPC to LCPC and get to supervise students.

I still have in the back of my mind that I would do something church related. I used to describe it as coordinating services or organizing a list of resources to give to churches and area pastors. Sometimes I think I’m too known in the Lutheran communities and providing counseling to local church members would be too weird with mixed feelings.

But there’s part of me that thinks I could do it and be nonjudgmental while holding their stories. And it wouldn’t have to effect anything or change the way I see them at all. We have a wellness plan due tonight at midnight. She said as long as you submit it before she goes to grade it then it’s fine. I’m probably going to work on it now in the morning.

The snow is mostly melted now. The look of the ground too has shifted to the colors of February. It’s the brownest month for color but still is enjoyable in its way. I’ve never felt more at home in a winter where there is no rush to forward the time. It’s exhausting to grow fresh greens all the time and even nature needs its rest. I do enjoy the lengthening days and how the sky is not dark anymore by 4:30.

I hardly even miss the sun. If I’m here when those days return then I’ll be out in it soon enough. I’ve not been on a decent walk since Thanksgiving and honestly don’t miss those either. I see the posts on social media about getting such and such amount of protein, balancing hormones, lifting weights. I gave years of my life to thinking on such things, to taking steps to fix or preserve my body.

I am free when my mind is at peace and I am beautiful when I believe that I am. Neither of those qualities require a regimented diet or plan. I enjoy the bananas and apples in my oatmeal. I notice the difference when I walk up the beach path and it dawned on me in January that there are other ways to grow strong.

“…but instead let there be thanksgiving.”
~Ephesians 5:4~

When I use the word mediocre to describe my current housewifery performance I’m not making up words to degrade myself needlessly. I have witnesses who can see for themselves and even one who comes to me on occasion to discuss with me my recent failures or behaviors that seem to contradict what it is I often say that I am wanting.

I did not understand my own mother. How a woman who seemed to have all the time in the world could not keep the laundry done. Why cooking seemed to be such drag. Even now I do not understand certain things. When I consider the way I feel toward my children, the way my heart is bound to them and how I’d give to them my whole being, why does not my own mother pursue relationship with me or the ones in my life?

I have a strong maternal drive. But this does not always translate into actions that communicate devotion and presence, and the felt needs that I have and naturally give or seek to fill in others do not always match the felt needs of the ones I am attempting to provide for. Such is the way of being and growing in relationship with our people.

The kids and I had some cleaning time in the morning. I wanted things straightened before Dad returned in the evening. He’d been there to watch the 5k race in Nebraska and returned sometime to meet my mother-in-law and the kids for supper. I filled up a bowl of bleach water that I was going to use to wipe down the bathroom but when I went to pick it up from the counter I somehow ended up pulling a back muscle.

So I could hardly move for several hours but the pain subsided enough to where I felt I could go to work. Elianna came in for a while to massage where the pain was. I gave the kids instructions and made some tea and found a water bottle. The night went well and when I returned Dad was home and on the couch where he had waited up for me.

My guy didn’t show up so that was a bummer. He rescheduled for the 14th which seems like an eternity when you’re talking weeks. The supervisor’s assessment didn’t show up either so I had the ability to ask him a charting question for another individual session. I absolutely can’t believe that this is happening to me again where I am affected by and attracted to the presence of some man. It’s like, that ship has sailed.

Those wounds have been healed, those needs taken care of. I can’t imagine living like this on a daily basis where you have to have control over yourself all the time. Sometimes just saying the things out loud just helps you to realize the absurdity of it all. It’s like, some guy who’s had his girlfriend for 17+ years I’m sure is not giving me AN OUNCE OF THOUGHT on a Friday night when he’s home from work.

And oh yeah, I’M MARRIED. So I am content to live with this disturbance of mind and ignore whatever flighty impulses my head concocts. Today in group we watched a meditation video. For a while we were on the floor doing seated meditations. One of the things we had to write was what we would want on our tombstone. The idea was to identify what truly matters in life. The words I had were “Christ was her strength.”

I had over 20 hours this week and I definitely didn’t like it. I feel like this is my perpetual excuse for not doing more, but being a stay-at-home mom for so many years changed my heart and the way I orient my life. I feel like I keep having these feelings of loyalty and devotion to people who don’t even exist anymore, to a family who has disbanded and gone their own separate ways. But these people have my heart.

So I would rather just do my mediocre job here and let the chips fall where they may out there. By mediocre I mean accepting the part of this work that depletes me and causes me to perform at levels that are lower than what the standard in my head would be and has been. It’s like some variation of what that Psalm says. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the feelings of any other houses.

This is the first week I’ve tried to really push the hours and I’m not sure I like it. I don’t like when things take over my mind and cause me to put main things on the back burner. Yes I would like to be finished by the end of summer if possible, but at the same time, this going into sites and showing a video when I need to is going to be so second nature I don’t think it’d be much of a deal at all to finish this up with other classes.

So as much as it drives me nuts, it’s just not worth it to me to do any more than I’m doing. At Contact I have access to a steady flow of direct hours and at Thrive I’m supposed to do my first assessment tomorrow. I really hope he shows up. Today I did a mock assessment and then sat in on a session. So often when I observe sessions I like the person instantly. It was the same way today. I come away excited about doing this.

I told the boss at Contact that I’m not doing the case work. That would’ve been too much pressure as it didn’t sound like something I could easily pick up. I did say I would still do simpler tasks like thank you notes and those sorts of things. So next week I’m supposed to do some of that. Basically I can get more hours here and there without needing to obsess. I really like the variety that I am getting with both experiences.

“For he himself is our peace…”
~Ephesians 2:14~

I don’t know if it’s the winter or what but it seems like my mind is offline these days. Like wherever I am I’m just not all there. It’s not even like there’s anything taking up brain space it’s just being a person moving along from one day to the next.

I have been obsessing about trying to get in more hours. With Alexis being there I feel like I need to clean up some of my more “getting by” procedures. I can’t even imagine failing over something like not having your written consent forms stored right but that kind of stuff I’m sure has happened. We’re not supposed to record videos on devices that are able to connect to the internet but the camera I bought is just awful quality compared to what I’ve been using. Lord please get me through these mountains.

This school thing really is starting to get to me. For our Monday class there was no lecture we were just given the class time to work on our project. For the night class where we mostly show videos the teacher wanted to lecture about self-care and vicarious trauma. I felt so bad for her that here she is actually caring and wanting to teach and there we were just checked out and over any kind of school for the day.

Josh is gone for the next several days in Nebraska. I dropped the boys off at my mother-in-law’s around 11 and picked them up a little after 8:30 at night. The bigger kids were at youth group and stopped by on their way home too. Zorro and everyone had a great day playing outside. She seems to like Zorro and not mind his dog-ness. They played frisbee and other games and they said he did not want to stop or go back inside.

So that was nice they could be there. She’s scheduled to watch them on Friday as well. There was a girl in my class saying how she gets $50 per client hour at her internship site in Peoria. She’s there five days a week and works close to full time so it’s pretty much a job. I think I would be completely blown away if I ever was to fully know the amount unpaid work I have done in my life. It is truly one of my spiritual offerings.

I asked God
to help me
forget you

It helped to have
another man
breathe on me
in person

But you know
I am different now
simple and mild

“For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness.”
~Galatians 5:5~

I had that pulmonology appointment last week. It had made me feel better that they didn’t seem too pressed to get me in ASAP after having the CT scan. Basically there’s some kind of centimeter sized stone in the right middle lung lobe. It can happen over time apparently after an infection and he said he wasn’t too worried about it unless it would start to cause problems which at that point they’d have to discuss taking it out.

Worry can be it’s own terrible cancer that multiplies. I thought about getting a second opinion just to not be completely careless but all the clinic doctors are the same around here. Like they work for the same clinic and I just don’t have the current care power to put anything extra into this. So I’m supposed to go back in July for a follow up scan and appointment which is the standard procedure when these things are asymptomatic.

If something gets worse then I’d go back sooner. There’s even an area around it where the lung has collapsed. It’s like when you find out you were around someone who has lice, all of a sudden your head starts to itch. I feel a pain in my back or a burning and think, “Oh is that it? I’m still getting over a cough so there’s the leftover activity from that. So I am grateful it isn’t worse and will pray it doesn’t become something more.

“But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned.”
~Galatians 2:11~

Yesterday would’ve been my father-in-law’s 70th birthday. So this evening we went to Culver’s for ice cream to celebrate. Miles was over when we decided to do this. He and Elianna were going to come along and then meet up with Aiden and Graham to go bowling. The social life of teenagers frustrates me at times. Really what it is, is that I get frustrated with the seeming lack of responsibility certain age groups enjoy.

College seems like too much at times. Why are we secluding so many young and able-bodied/minded people and expecting them to go through even more school when we could actually greatly be using their contributions to society? My high school kids tell me they still have so much free time at school that I don’t see why you can’t more efficiently combine high school and college and save them all some time and money.

We went around and said what we appreciated or were thankful for about Papa. Josh said he was thankful that Papa was his dad. Two of the boys talked about how they appreciated how Papa taught them things when he would take them to spend time with him on the farm. My other son said he appreciated how Papa didn’t seem to get mad when they messed something up. I said I was thankful for the meals and the cars.

One of the dumbest things I ever did was throw away most of the pictures from my high school photo album. I was proud of that book and had recorded so many memories there with my pictures. At the time, I think I was thinking that high school was stupid and really had no lasting impression or value in your life. I’d moved on and had kids and that whole period of time seemed like a lifetime ago that had ultimately meant nothing.

Certain photos I can still see. The ones from Washington D.C, the ones of me and my friends on Angie’s car or in my room. The homecoming and sweetheart dances with Nathan and then the homecoming and sweetheart dances with Matt. If only he had liked me more we could’ve been something great together. Every picture had it’s own separate memories and stories which would’ve been nice to still have these days.

During senior year our physics class took a field trip down to Texas. Our teacher was from there and he had all these places that he remembered from his own school days. We were going down to study rocks and also to visit Marfa, TX in order to hopefully view the mysterious lights that the town was supposedly famous for. I don’t remember doing a lick of work on this trip in terms of setting up or taking down the equipment.

One of the first things I did down there was swim to Mexico. I got such a kick out of saying I’d done that. We were exploring the land when I asked the teacher if I could swim across. There was another student named Sean who also wanted to go. I had no feelings for Sean of any kind but I was happy that someone else had had some sense of adventure. There was a picture of me and him on a rock about halfway across.

I haven’t anymore chronological recollection. There are only moments in my mind of things we did while down there or certain unusual things that happened. One night we camped along the river. There were three girls on the trip, with one including the teacher’s daughter. The other girl had been one of my best friends in junior high and had become a closer friend again during senior year when Susan left me for a while.

The rest were boys, four of them. Phil, Sean, Thad, and Zac. Phil was one of my close friends and the only reason I’d agreed to going. Having a girl friend on a field trip would have been okay but having a guy friend also going would make the trip even better. Matt was in our class that year too but he stayed behind for some kind of lame sports commitment. I was disappointed he wasn’t going but he wouldn’t have had any fun.

The night we camped by the river the girls slept in one of the vehicles. Spencer, the other chaperone, was the Lexington sheriff and kept watch with his gun. There were Mexicans crossing the border, or so I always thought and said. I don’t know who else would’ve been rustling around in the tall grass throughout the night. Several times I wondered in slight horror what my parents would do if they knew this was happening.

One of the things we did was spend the night at the Chinati Hot Springs. I feel positive that I have written about this somewhere before. It’s some place in Texas that has natural hot springs that come out of the pipes. They have these cabins you can stay in where you take baths in the water. They had a small outside spring pool where me, Phil, and the teacher talked for a large part of the night until the other chaperone came.

I talked about how this would be a great place for a honeymoon. I think I was thinking that the remoteness of the location made it romantic and there wouldn’t be a lot of people to bother you. I had a strange relationship with this teacher where I wanted to be nice to him but he seemed to take my niceness as reasons to like me more than he needed to. He was a very nice man and very nice to me, but I didn’t like him like that.

It started one day when I said hi to him in the hallway. He was kind of a strange man who was made fun of by other students. So one day I just looked at him and smiled and said “Hi Mr. Simpson” and after that I felt this sort of obligation to look at him and say hi every time I passed by his room. He would stand out in the hallway in between classes which is when I would see him. Kenzie and I would go to his room for study halls.

That was a common thing to do. You left study hall with whatever teacher you had to go hang out in the classroom of a teacher who you liked to be around more. I didn’t really like to be around this teacher per se, but he had this office space off of his classroom with several computers where we would go to check our emails and get away from everyone else. Tonya, Lisa, Susan, and I would do the same with our music teacher.

He would let us come and sort music or hang out in his office to play our instruments and chat. It’s true I had a crush on him just because he was a nice person, but there is a thing that happens where you bond more with certain teachers and become more friends with certain ones over others. These kinds of study halls broke up the day and gave you space to go and feel safe from the pressures and chaos of school life.

Spencer, the cop, came into the pool and Phil and I eventually left. The rest of the students were in the hammocks by the hill. Somehow we ended up sitting and talking in the school van away from everybody else doing other things. I wished several times that we could be making out on the ground somewhere. But there probably would’ve been a rattlesnake or another visitor we didn’t see to ruin the moment and punish us.

Another night we stayed in a coed bunkhouse. Where we were, how we were all in the same area, or why we couldn’t invest in more appropriate accommodations I’ll never know at this point. Phil was on the bottom bed and I was on the top. I don’t remember where anyone else was in the set up. One night we stayed in Big Bend National Park and there were just too many places to remember them all or what order.

Another day we rode donkeys into a Mexican town. A very small one. We were all given ten dollars to spend on the village children who we were told would come up to us wanting to sell things. This was another one of those photos. Of us all in the rowboat being ferried across the river. Of the donkeys we rode just like Jesus once did. Of me with this little girl, with my orange t-shirt and bandana, us sitting on the school steps.

Another whole day was spent on a river tour. The tour guide looked like Kevin Bacon, in fact, I’m sure it was him, that’s how similar they looked. If it was the river contaminate, if it was the food they served as part of the tour deal, I don’t know. But that night the other girls and I were so horribly sick I thought my dad was going to have to come get me. We were supposed to leave the next morning but we’d spent all night being sick.

Somehow we managed. I imagined plane tickets, hoping there’d be some way to get home besides having to spend 14 hours in a van managing upset stomachs. But God was merciful to us in clearing the germ from our systems and giving us relief by the morning. All we had to do was pass out exhausted and let the drivers be responsible for getting us home. The sheriff wanted to leave us there but the teacher wouldn’t let him.