Today was the first day of training at Hope. The supervisor and I spent three hours going over the manual and working through the assessment process. The assessments here are going to be 1000% easier because you will not have to be going through so much addiction and mental health history and substance use scanning. You don’t even have to use the computer, and in fact, at Hope, you’re not supposed to.

I had a moment of wanting to run back to Thrive. To have the familiarity with out the learning curve of change and learning a different place and system. My little office there seemed cozy and fine. I do not have an official office an will not have one for a while, if ever. Being the newest therapist I am the least in terms of seniority which means the first of my two days will have to be Friday. None of this is bothering me.

The couples’ waitlist is inches long. I am really hoping this works because I’ve never actually done it. I just have thought that I would like it and have felt like I would be able to do it. The Gottman training is not yet done, but has been exponentially helpful in terms of providing the basic structure and forms for assessments. The only time couples therapy worked was when there was an organized way to do it.

You don’t have to follow it exactly but you have to start with a plan and format. She warned me that I would be spiritually attacked there and that it happens to everyone. I made a mental note that that would mean I need to be regularly in the Word and spending time with God in prayer. It’s amazing how lingering and standing knowledge can keep you going for a while, but you cannot neglect your dire dependence.

I can spend so much of my mind on idle dreaming. How much better would it be to use it instead for prayer and reading and then moving toward action. It occurred to me recently that there is a difference between false dreams and real ones. The false ones are a distraction from your purpose. The true ones, the true ones God will lead you to and match them up with appropriate actions.

Why do I feel like I
was destined to know you?
I never thought I’d feel
this way again about
another. But now you
reject me and distance
yourself, or is this just
the story I am telling
myself? Like the one
where we were perfect
for each other

Was it all a lie?
Was it all a test to
deceive me into thinking
I’d found a special place
to develop and thrive
like you did
My professional codependency
stealing the show
I gave you too much time
to realize you didn’t
need me

So that is basically the update with Zorro. She learned it’s okay and even good for him to have kennel time, that it would be helpful to also have and use a prong collar, and he worked on trying to move him through his stunted play. Zorro was over again for part of the day and my son and I took him on a walk in the morning. He makes me realize how slow I tend to walk and in that way helps me speed up my pace.

This afternoon we met with a pastor for part of this remediation process the district present is having us go through. I’m being purposely vague and am leaving out details. It is something that in my opinion needed to happen several years ago but I am not going to complain and I trust God’s timing. I didn’t really think the pastor meetings were necessary but it was one of those things where I wanted to listen.

I’ve kind of reached this point where I’m basically tired of my own inertia and the way it holds me back from my fuller development and being all who I could be. Sometimes it’s easier not to do something and other times it’s just that I’m too afraid to. I’m desiring to breakthrough and pursue my dreams in a fearless way. I hold back so much and could give so much more. Love is a very, very strong and powerful motivator.

The Zorro thing wasn’t only about the playing. That was just part of what got interrupted and messed up when he broke his back leg as a 7-month old puppy. They put him on four different drugs which after a while became unnecessary. His mood changed significantly about an hour after his pills. He became more guarded and fearful and began to randomly charge and bark at family members.

When Zorro was gone for four weeks Elianna would drive there every week to go see him. My sister has an apartment twenty minutes from the training place so she would stay a couple of days and join the trainer for his sessions. She was able to learn more about dog handling and the things she could do to help Zorro feel better. She had always had trouble trying to get him to play fetch.

He still doesn’t like it much. He loves to chase things but doesn’t like to bring them back. Laura has a dog named Angel who you could play fetch with for a long time. They have this tool that picks up a tennis ball and then you throw it so you don’t have to touch the slobber. She runs and brings it back then wants you to throw it over and over. The trainer gave us an extra kennel for the ride home.

Today was the two year anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I think about her often and how it feels like she still should be here. My aunt’s death feels like an injustice because she was living so much life and still had so much more to live. I miss her even more now since the times just keep increasing where I have not been able to reach her.

I am still very tired from all the activity over the holidays. The boys received Garmin watches from Grandma and one of the things I hear them saying now is “body battery”. Just to be silly and make conversation I will ask the what their body battery percentage is. I found a new term to use to explain to them why I’m tired. My body battery is low.

The day with Zorro went well. He’s been doing so much better since he came home from his training. I don’t know what we would’ve done had we not known a person who does that. HIs general initial assessment was that “We need to get him feeling better again”. He wasn’t getting enough play time. I see it how he really loves to play.

Ethan and Laura are here until Saturday. There is no difference other than the increase in cooking and putting off my class for another day. In the morning Dad and I were out the door early with our youngest to meet Elianna at the tire store to get her tires replaced. We drove her back to Grandma’s and then while we were waiting we went to Aldi to get groceries. We picked up the car and then drove it back out to the farm.

I asked if we could watch Zorro overnight. I didn’t think of it till we had already left so the plan is for us to keep him Friday night into Saturday. “Do you just want some dog time?”, she asked, as I am not one to take on dogs. Yes, I said, plus I was thinking it would give her a little break. It is entirely possible to love people, and I am supposing animals, where you are able to love them more when you can spend some time apart.

In the evening we watched the video of the wedding. It was such a pretty day. Before that we’d had our supper of rice and tacos. The wedding was on Laura’s uncle’s private YouTube channel. Included in his video collections were song recordings of when he’d seen Journey live in Boise, Idaho. So that led us down an minor rabbit trail of love ballads and orchestras which my son taught me how to cast to the television screen.

I’ve kind of moved beyond the distal yearning for the school life. I just picked the word distal. There is a calm now in waiting for whenever it is the work will start, a few weeks still at this point. I have two days of training next week and then I start the next Friday. The Christmas crash is something I though I avoided this year but it is fully upon me.

We put away the decorations and stripped the tree of its red. Adorned with only blue it is now set for winter and for however long I choose to keep it.

Ethan and Laura are back for a few days. They returned over lunch and we had leftovers from the supper before. They apologized for being later than originally expected. It was not a big deal because before that no one even was home. Dad and the littlest were at chapel at the high school. I was at Thrive meeting with the clients I still have from my school. I don’t know how that is all supposed to end or work.

I am happy I get to leave there. Not because there is anything wrong with the place, but because the place where I am going seems to be a better fit. Something that I noticed when I was interviewing the first time at Hope and then the second time this week, was that they seemed impressed with my resume and with my overall life. I don’t mean that to be a brag. The boss wanted to know how I balance it.

Just typing that out almost brings me to tears. I don’t even know how to try to describe it other than that there’s this stunning, relieving glory when someone sees you for who you are. In my mind flashed all these moments of being in bed and all I said was “trial and error”. They showed me around the building and were very excited for the new back construction addition. We celebrated our Epiphany baby.

It’s weird. There’s like this window of time around the start of a new year where it feels right to make a change. But it’s only a window because before too long the days already feel old again. I mean they feel like normal days that aren’t much different from the last ones. But the moment feels like it’s been seized and the changes locked in. I feel extra committed this time for some reason. There is art and science both in balance.

This is all just a very weak and tired way of saying that I enjoy this time of the year. I made a template for my homeschooled son for how to write a science report. I was very proud of it actually. We spent the morning picking out books for his semester. Some were new and others stayed the same. I have so many resources I never actually used, or didn’t get a change as much as I would’ve liked. It makes me happy to use them.

While I was down there I saw the astronomy workbook. I just don’t know if I have the energy. Of course I was dreaming about taking the winter section and using it every evening when skies are clear. I pulled it out just in case. Tonight would’ve been a good night to go out there but instead we talked on the couch. I said, boys, you are going to grow hair on your bodies. They said mom you should’ve told us this five years ago.

This was my first weekend with my new schedule of no Sundays. I’m very glad I didn’t quit. Even though I could not imagine this being the kind of work I would have to do for the rest of my life, I don’t mind doing it every once in a while. I’m not sure what changed. I can feel overwhelmed at times by the multiplying needs, when there is not enough of me and there is no chance to take a break. You just keep going till it’s over.

It’s my second week of going to church intentionally and regularly. I promise this isn’t a futile search to find the perfect fit. But there is a part of me that knows that something is already going to be missing, at least in the churches around here I am familiar with. We were trying to figure out what it is. Passion seems like too immature of a word, but later in a reading commentating on C.F.W. Walther was the word “fervor”. That was it.

Or at least closer. It’s almost like people have been trained to be complacent, though I feel that is too harsh of a judgement. I know these are faithful people who want to live as part of a church. I want my kids to have strong Christian friends and I want too to have the same. In the past, to me, a friend looks like a peer. We are the same age and participate in similar activities. We see each other often and enjoy the other’s company.

The kids go back to school tomorrow. Tonight for our family activity the boys wrote thank you notes for Christmas presents. We sat around the table and I read most of the notes they wrote out loud. I like reading their words and saying how they did a good job. Next year, I said, they will take a turn to be the givers. There is a fun in giving others gifts and a virtue in turning our minds toward others. I will supply the means to do so.

Arya and I met for coffee earlier around lunchtime. It was her thought to get together over break and be joined by Alexis. Alexis wasn’t able to come due to family Christmas commitments. Both of them are 25. So we talked and exchanged stories and processed more about the program. I tried not to have it be just about Thrive or school or favorite perfume scents sold only at Target. There were other things too. India. Peace. Enough.