Today started off as a very weird day. I went into work and people looked at me saying, “Why are you here???” I was like, “Am I not on the schedule??” There was already another nurse there getting report from the night shift. During the summer I’ve been going in for every other Wednesday as part of the coverage for a nurse on maternity leave. I thought it went through July, but it wasn’t on there. When they looked up the schedule on their app and computer it was the other nurse.

I was kind of relieved thinking, “Yay, no problem. I’ll just go home.” But the day nurse, who I’d never met, said “Well is there any way you can work until 9?” It was the fifth anniversary of her husband’s death and a Catholic church in town was having a special morning mass in his memory. Something like that. Monday was the first she’d heard about it and didn’t think she’d be able to get off work in order to go. I said I’d stay and she called her daughters and said she was able to come now.

The morning from that point on had me internally thrown off. I’d taken all this time to mentally prepare, had gotten up early, and was ready to be there for the full eight hours. I hadn’t been back since that really bad shift and I was ready to just do better today and make a new memory. I started on the meds and took my time and double-checked. I still felt distracted. My phone was going off with messages from a child. There was an admission coming at eleven. A woman was nearing death.

Which I realized as soon as I went into room. Her regular meds had all been cancelled, and the only one left was scheduled morphine. I started at the med sheet for a long time before I signed out the dose. The MAR said it was scheduled, the bottle said the dose was .25. It’s clearly marked on the syringe. I took it into her and told her that I had her medicine. She said that I could give it, in more of a grunt rather than a coherent word. My heart broke. She’d been on hospice, but not like this.

I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if there was anything else I could do for her then. I couldn’t see how she would last the hour, certainly, certainly not the day. But I never did go back to check, or to say goodbye before I left. I thought about her on the way to the dining hall, and started to cry when I recalled the morning. I thought about her more, as we ate our hamburgers, fries, and applesauce. Another not normal day. I tried again to figure out the schedule app and gave up.

The camp kids spent much of the day in the rain. I came home from a homeschool conference around 3 and they were just beginning to come back from the beach. If it isn’t thundering they can technically swim. Before I left for class they were out in the athletic field, some playing a ball game and others playing in the yard drain. I came home from class and they were still outside, this time playing counselor safari.

I left class about an hour early. I basically just wanted to come back home. It’d been a longer day gone and I had a few things to tend to while my brain was still working. I felt a little bad leaving because you don’t want to leave a teacher feeling like his class is dispensable. I’m sure they put a lot of work into those things. But sometimes the self-care plan requires cutting something out. I’d been sitting too much and needed to walk.

This homeschooling conference was a low-key local meeting of moms and some dads. It is something the Classical Conversations leadership puts on every year. I’ve typically had mixed feelings about CC every since I became aware of it when I started homeschooling. It’s an absolutely, beautifully designed curriculum that I’m convinced was developed by a true genius and brainiac. Every subject goes above and beyond.

But there’s this part of me that also thinks, “Do we really need to learn all this?” Would I absolutely love to immerse myself in the material and spend the rest of my life learning the math map and studying the trivium and finding out and understanding what they mean when they link Astronomy (not Geometry) with the third dimension, also calling it the Human Space? This is thousand of years worth of study and knowledge condensed.

But why would we have to, and it is truly possible, to learn all of this? I don’t believe it is, not in the way that I would want to learn it. The access we have to materials now, even just a basic education, is so much more than so many others have ever had. I can be okay with not knowing, one subject alone and you could not plumb it’s depths. There isn’t the time here. But can I be in awe for the rest of my life? Can I simply praise?

“It is important to understand that to accomplish the task of trauma symptom reduction the client must be able to create a state of relaxation.”
~Trauma Practice: A Cognitive-Behavioral Somatic Therapy, Baranowsky & Gentry~

Today I had a visit with a potential internship site. Unless something changes, I can start there in August. The site is Contact Ministries in Springfield which is a faith-based organization that provides temporary housing for homeless women and children. They have an emergency shelter for short-term overnight care, as well as a longer term shelter where women stay for even as long as six months. I liked it there.

I’m kind of picky when it comes to finding a place. This is I think the fifth time since starting this program that I have gone to see about a potential clinical site. There are several things I’ve noticed that I pay attention to while doing this. Is it relatively close by to my area of residence? Do I like the drive? Do I feel a sense of physical safety while being there and while being in the general area of town? Do I like it here?

A positive for me was the flexibility in hours. Most of them would have to be done in the evening, with the clinical supervisor being there from 4-9 or 4-10. On weekends I could pick up shifts and get paid. It’s been told to me before and I’ve been in contact with the program advisor about it being possible to spread the internship out over a fall-spring-summer, or even a spring-summer-fall. They have an intern opening now.

So once again, I will pray about it more. They said prayer is something they regularly do with the women, be it in Bible studies led by area pastors, or private sessions, or group meetings if they make requests. They are open with the women about being a place with Christian values and ask for mutual respect for all views. They do not require workers to be Christian but it’s nice if they are. The main thing is loving God.

Tonight I have a Zoom call for a partner assignment. We have to make a video of us counseling each other by teaching a Safety and Stabilization skill. Mine is a 3-step somatic intervention with the goal of “creating a non-anxious presence”. This one has to do with breathing and relaxation of the pelvic floor which apparently is the balance and power point of the body. We need to talk about the breathing thing more.

A couple of years ago (2017) I read a line in a stay-at-home mom book that I found very inspiring. It was from the book Free to Stay at Home by Marilee Horton. She writes, “God has endued women with the physical strength and mental acumen to carry out a job that in the business world would require at least ten experts. To that He has added a double portion of emotional sensitivity to deal with the variety of emotional beings under her roof.”

God equips women for many vocations outside of home life. I know by now that there are many impressive and long laboring women throughout the world who never had the title of stay-at-home mom. Something about that quote felt very validating for me though in the role that I was in. I cannot tell you how much I’ve suffered, how much my flesh has had to die, in order to do a job or live a life without need of applause or mourning the lack of it.

The emotional sensitivity I can attest to, though it sometimes seem like my particular portion was quadrupled and then some. I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to say that my emotions sure have given me one h^%% of a ride (I am speaking of former things). For whatever reason though home has been the place that I was led to and chose. It’s the place I keep choosing, and when I do I feel the heart of my heavenly home closest to me.

Tonight we met up with Josh’s mom and sister. She is supposed to report to work within the next week and are in the process of finalizing moving plans. My brother-in-law also found a job at one of the high schools. Normally he coaches football but he asked if he could have the fall season off. I’ve seen their new house and it’s very nice. We were talking about where everyone would sleep and that we’d have to have a sleepover.

One of the boys needed shoes. So after supper we went to Walmart. The kids found a couple of other fourth of July clearance things that Grandma bought them. Laura didn’t come with us this time because she was biking with her dad. Earlier in the lake she’d been talking about having a cramp in her leg. Someone asked me if I had bananas and I said that I might. During the cookout Elianna brought her an almost over ripe banana.

It was very fun hanging out. I love when I come away from social gatherings feeling fed. On the way home I texted one of the kitchen workers to ask him how his seats were. Earlier he’d called to say he had an extra ticket to see Journey and Def Leppard tonight at Busch stadium. For a very split second I got very excited, thinking he was asking if I wanted to go (I know, very sad). He was asking about one of the boys. I told him no.

With having company, the holiday, and a new camp coming in today my days are all mixed up. It’s Friday, I’ve established. It felt more like a Saturday with nothing to do at least for the first part of the day. Elianna left early to spend the free day with Miles. Ethan came in to tell me he was going out to breakfast with Laura. When the boys came upstairs I told them all to eat breakfast and I joined them at the dining room table.

I think I am slowly wrapping my head around these changes. It’s like I’ve stopped trying to fight it, but it’s more than that. I do still fight it, but I catch myself. It’s like you always knew that the days were fleeting, whether it was the strangers telling you to enjoy the moments, or the changing fade in a newborn face. But it wasn’t really registering, not in how it does now, that the everyday, the daily moments would come to an end.

This morning I cleaned out my homeschool corner in the living room. I think that means I’m making plans. I haven’t actually ordered anything. I have things I want to teach them. I have things that I would change. I have things that I can do now that I couldn’t do before be it due to numbers, limitations, or temperaments. The older ones had the given version of me for their time. The other ones get the present me for however long.

We had a good fourth of July. Dad, the kids, and I went to the old house to finish getting the rest of the stuff out and into the dumpster that my mother-in-law rented. Surprisingly we filled most of it up and she was glad we’d gotten the big one. After that she took us to lunch where there was the shortest Chick’fil’A line I’d ever seen because it was still pretty early and we’d beaten the lunch crowds.

Then we came home. Jess and the kids had left in the morning. It was fun having them here. Before my other sister and her family left last night, we had a family supper together at the house. I originally was going to have have us eat in the CGC because it didn’t seem like we’d have enough room for all of the people. It ended up being fine. We put the littler kids at the table in the dining room and everyone else found a spot in the living room.

In the afternoon the adults took naps. I asked if anyone wanted to go swimming and Josh and one of the boys came along. There was a family down there with their kids and a dog. We swam for a while and it felt good to do so. We came back in time to quickly shower and get ready to go out to the farm house for supper. After that we went to Scheels to meet up with some camp kids to watch the fireworks.

My thoughts have been rather morbid as of late, and I’ve been thinking about homeschooling the boys again. If I only have a couple more years to live, then it’s more important to me to finish what I started with them rather than trying to finish my school. It’s taking too long now, with this internship looming and not knowing when the best time is to start it. I refuse to plow through and let everything else fall to the side.

I was ready today to just go party with Jesus. It’s fun up there. They haven’t any worries, cares, or chores to support the lives of people. Paul says he desires to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But he stays down here for the people still needing him. I understand the desire to stay, and I understand too the desire to go. If I have vocational energies left to give, then I want to spend them first on the ones I love.

If I’m feeling better, then I want to do it. Discipleship, teaching, spending the time. I understand it sounds foolish, and perhaps many wouldn’t understand. I could always later do the other, but I couldn’t later do this. I just feel so worn and tired at times, I can’t imagine ever having greater strength in other decades.

I finally had a chance to hear more from my boss. I’d emailed and asked if she could explain to me the process behind selecting the final warning level and why that particular level was chosen. Long story short they have a new corrective action policy for med errors. Because I had essentially made the same mistake twice and done so within a short period of weeks, they gave me that warning in accordance with the policy.

It does not mean that if I make another med error that I will be terminated. It would come down to how the error was made and be determined on a case by case basis. This was the first time I’d heard anything about making the same mistake. To me they both seemed different and random. But she said that it basically came down to me not double checking the MAR (medication administration record) to reflect the medications I was giving. This made me feel a whole lot better. If I knew what I did then I could fix it.

So she’s going to show me how she does it in order to make sure she gets the needed meds. I wouldn’t have to do it that way, it would just be a method for me to consider. I don’t really have a method though I do try to be careful and especially check the longer packets. But I would not say that I routinely double check. There were other steps she was also taking to make sure the overall med situation in the care center gets better.

*(rushed and said too much somewhere that made me feel like something was wrong)

Mom and Dad came up to visit. They arrived around noon and stayed until four. I met them at the swing-set and then we walked the rest of the way down to the dining hall. Praise the Lord for camp meals. During this whole time when people are here we are getting to eat our meals down at camp. My sister said at supper just as a general statement, “You’re not going to lose weight here, cause you’re hungry.”

You would think that with the extra walking around and camp activity it’d’ be the opposite with the weight, but I have actually found both of her statements to be true. I’ve thought maybe it was the extra sodium, but anyhow. Mom brought her swim clothes so we took her out on the boats with us. Jess and Hannah had kayaks and Mom and I were on the paddleboard. In the process of her and I switching spots to give her a chance to paddle, we both fell off. It was very funny and made us laugh.

Later in the evening we went down for outdoor chapel. One of my sisters asked if I ever think of my wedding when I see it and I said, “Every time I’m down here”, and I looked around and saw again the back three rows Josh’s dad had made. There isn’t the same need to tell those stories, they can stay inside. Last night I came out of my room and said to the ones still up, “not to be rude, but it’s time to go to bed.”