The kids are in their last week of school for the school year. The bigger kids have finals this week and the younger ones just have to endure going to school for another few days. I know it sounds crazy, but there really are things about homeschool that I miss. For a while the thought of doing it again just shut me down. Like I could not even imagine any picture in my head.

But lately I have thought again, “Well…maybe?” It would have to be different than we did it before though. I always had such an aversion to the Classical Conversations format. It was just not something I was ever drawn to and having five kids while doing it seemed like it would be way too much to have to keep track of. The nice thing about CC though is that each grade had a tutor.

They go one day a week, have all of their classes, and then come home with the week’s assigned homework. The only thing you have to do on top of it is math, plus whatever other personal electives you would choose to include on your own if you wanted. I have asked, “And this isn’t some unsustainable system that’s profiting and operating by overworking and stressing out moms?”

Apparently they have done their best to work those things out. Because I am definitely not going to be the one signing up for tutoring. The camp seems to have found someone for the summer who is able to help with the ordering and menu planning. He is a retired restaurant owner who is friends with someone on the camp board and was looking for something that he could still do.

I am planning on working some for money this summer. I don’t mind volunteering, but if I’m putting in the hours anyway, I might as well make some money for tuition. I haven’t felt the same strong pull toward summer house cleaning or home improvement projects. I mostly have just been trying to put intentional effort every day toward something. It helps but this is a big place.

I tried out half of an evening shift yesterday. It really has worked out well only having to work days. Day shift has a lot more going on. The gigantic morning med pass, the doctor visits and appointments, activities in the facility, and family members visiting. But I also like the sense of feeling supported by all of the other people present in the building. On evening shift there is one less nurse aide and the management goes home.

There was an incident that required me to stay longer. The nurse coming on after me was relatively new and this was her first time working the summer wing. I am amazed at all of these PRN nurses who who’ve got thirty-something years of hospital experience and then retire to come work here. She was able to walk me through some of the charting, and I was able to tell her whose pills are crushed and whose are whole.

So I’m not sure yet if I liked it. The only way to get comfortable with more of these things is to do them, but I do not like the learning curves, coming away from a shift without feeling at peace, or dealing with the fears of having not done something right. I used to work evening shift all the time and do not remember feeling so nervous about being alone. The main thing I remember fearing was someone coming in with a gun.

*(backlog)

Laura’s team played this morning in the semi-finals. Dad said I couldn’t watch because the game was happening during church. I didn’t make a fuss about it, but I had to control myself and wipe away tears. I texted and asked Laura’s mom if her husband was going to let her skip church to watch. She said she told him it was going to be very tempting to do so but that she would pray for strength. She’s a better a woman than I.

Their team ended up placing fourth overall. They had confirmation today during church. It really is sad anymore to watch confirmations, mostly just because it’s people you hardly even know. My first son’s class had something like 12 students. It wasn’t long before you weren’t seeing any of them afterwards. And on it goes down the line. It really can just make you want to feel indifferent to the whole thing and church in general.

But there was a prayer that came to mind when I was in the middle of thinking this. The prayer was, “Lord, I don’t understand this, but I am grateful for your mercy.” And I started feeling thankful, that thus far, God has kept my children in the faith. I don’t know how much I have given it much thought, but there are apparently those times before knowing when the Holy Spirit comes and directs our thoughts to better things.

The boys slept out in tents last night. They had a friend over also so it was two boys in one tent and two in another. I was really too tired to be too worried about it. I think I told them they had to put down a tarp. One of the tents is just a screen and doesn’t have a floor. The ticks are out and I really didn’t want them sleeping on the bare ground.

They found an old piece of carpet that we’d kept when they changed out the sanctuary carpet in Hoyleton. I would’ve never thought to use that but it ended up working out. I went to bed while everyone was still up. I fell asleep to the sound of the living room rumble, the boys playing RISK on the living room floor. Then Miles was in there.

Dad stayed up to visit longer. He came in later and I woke up briefly to the sound and light of the closet door opening, to the keys and wallet being placed on the dresser. I woke up briefly in the early morning for a drink of water, and let in a cat. I opened upstairs windows, stopped by the bathroom, then went back to sleep. I woke again at 8:19.

Poor Casper has seen better days in his life. I had to take a break from him about a week or so ago, maybe a little more. It seems like every time he’s basically better again there’s some other new issue, another wound that’s appeared. He did finally get in for his appointment earlier this week. When he came back they’d shaved off probably 1/6th of his fur around the back part of his body. They cleaned the wound that had dried up.

It was time for me to get a new email address. The one I had with LCU is the one I kept as my uncluttered inbox. The other one I have is too far gone, plus I just want something simpler. I did finally get my transcript situation taken care of and had to send some emails to get the ball rolling again with the UIS admission process. They other guy from LCU ended up deciding to go somewhere else because he thought UIS had taken too long with their process. It’ll be nice to have the situation figured out and settled.

I heard from the Minnesota trip. They’d gone to the Mall of America and visited the LEGO store. LEGOS are one of those things that I have no idea what to do with all of them now, but they sure were great for keeping the boys busy for years. And I mean years. We walked down to the lake this evening where a couple of kids were swimming. The gnats got bad so we walked back up. Dad, the boys, and I ordered Rico’s for supper.

Everyone went to school today. Josh took the kids this morning and Elianna left earlier to ride with the family of a teammate who was competing today at girls’ state. She through around 11 and was done by 11:15. She was originally ranked 25th and ended up placing 14th, so that was nice. I picked up the boys and then went back at 3:30 to pick up my other son from the bus. I don’t like saying their names here.

Miles’ mom and I spent some time this morning talking again about the meet. She texted me and Ethan a link to the videos. He watches all the videos after the fact and then talks about them with Miles. During the meets that I was there it would be she and I in the top of the bleachers with our phones. She would record the race and I would Facetime it. The times finally came out this morning and Miles had actually gotten fifth in the 400 and PR’d. We had just finished talking about how rough it had been.

Even his dad had gotten teary-eyed after it, and said he thought maybe he’d just lost some of his conditioning since he hadn’t been running over the past couple of weeks. He told Ethan he’d given up about halfway through. They switched up the sectionals again this year and this one seemed to be a little more competitive. We’re used to seeing Miles, with his trademark move where he flies around the curve. He says he runs the first part, and then when he gets to the 200M he sprints. He won a lot.

Josh left later to pick up my mother-in-law from the airport. She was delayed a few hours because of storms. He ended up having to wait a little longer than expected. So I left the boys here when I left to meet some moms for supper. Our kids are on a trip to somewhere up in Minnesota. Laura is on her college’s spikeball team and they are playing this weekend in the national tournament. There is another friend and team member’s parents who are hosting them as well as feeding them several meals.

Today they went to a Twins game. It’s funny to hear us joke about how we seemingly all have to dance around with the communication. The two boy moms had actually been the ones whose kids had made the most contact via pictures or text. It can really hurt moms when they don’t hear from their kids. But each of us is different and we all have adjusted and accepted the way of things in our own ways. We said a prayer.

Track is officially over for the season. The boys had their sectional last night in Rushville. Josh and the kids met me in town after work. My car was on empty so before I met up with them I went to get gas. I knew it’d be a late night and didn’t really want to have to mess with an empty gas tank once we came back into town. Most of the gas stations around here don’t even stay open all night anymore.

Judah did well. He PR’d in his race even if he was still disappointed. Athletes can be very hard on themselves. They probably are the hardest on themselves out of everyone. I still think just to get out there and run is something something worth being proud of yourself for. Miles was disappointed too. The 4×1 didn’t end up qualifying for state. He was ranked third in the 400 and ended up 6th or 7th. His ankle has been bothering him since after-prom when he hurt it after jumping wrong somehow on the trampolines.

The 4×4 team didn’t really think they’d make it to state but they were hoping to at least PR. For whatever reason an IHSA sectional meet was not providing live updates anywhere online. From the unofficial parent timers it looks like they beat their PR by around 5 seconds. I think they ended up happy. That’s the thing with sports, the highs are so incredibly fun, the lows not so much, and everything a win.

“For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. “
~2 Corinthians 1:12~

Yesterday I was thinking that I could really use a maid. It’s been a long while since I’ve thought anything like this, where the situation I was in had nothing to do with my temperament, or time management habits, or disciplinary measures integrating kids into housework. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was not about husband who sat around and did nothing. You hear those kinds of stories and you can’t relate at all.

This was a matter of sheer numbers. When you added up all the work, all the needs, all the time that was required to fulfill the present tasks and duties, the only thing making sense was that one person was not enough. You’ve seen it said at times, “I don’t really need a husband. What I need is a wife.” You never took the thought that far, but yes, you understood it. What you needed was a helper, a female servant like in Bible times.

I called a sister. Our sis chats have dwindled over the past several years. I was horrified thinking, “Was I the one keeping all that going?” I haven’t needed the same support. And then there are always the changing seasons, where life gets busy or people withdraw and are going through their own harder times. She didn’t answer, so I called another. We talked and then the other called back. We talked and then it too helped for a while.

But this morning I wasn’t done. I thought of another sister who I don’t usually call. Of all of them she and I are probably the least close, yet in some ways are also the most alike. I knew she’d get the part about feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to know how she was doing, how she was coping, like spiritually.

For that is how we have learned to cope–through spiritual means. And I have often tried to tell her, “Look, you can’t just keep falling back on these platitudes. You’ve got take action and responsibility. You’ve got to deal better with all the emotions.” Never once has that gone well. But there is something to the God stuff she speaks of, and I know that, and I want to hear from her.

Everyone’s hard is not the same. That’s one of the things that’s been hard for her. When your life has been hard in ways that other people’s wasn’t. Because it can feel like nobody would really get or understand you, and it can tempt you to covet the ease it looks like others have. Their money or health or time or whatever they have.

And you wonder why, like why did my life have to be hard in this way? I was telling her how you hear things like “God uses our stories”, and that “our pain is never wasted”. Who says? And how I have sometimes coped by thinking, “Okay, God can use these experiences. Because of them I will have more opportunities to help others.” But even that is not a divine guarantee. And I’ve wondered, what if it was just so God could minister to me?

Would that be enough? That God ministered to me and that was enough. For it to have been my life that God worked in. She said she thinks we minister to others by simply existing. Like that somehow our lives bear witness to God. People have come up to her randomly here and there, telling her how this or that ministered to them when she had no idea. It made sense.

“But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
~James 1:4~

One of my favorite journals is from a time when I went completely offline. No Facebook. No blogging. Just me and my reading and clearer mind. Besides the writing out of quotes is the same thing over and over. Talking about how discouraged I am. Amazement at how much of a dream come true this whole homeschooling thing is. How I’m so fulfilled as a wife and a mother. How I’m tired of dealing with all of this pain.

I see hints of the exhaustion taking over even then. I’d actually forgotten about it, how sometime by 1PM I’d be folding over, when I still was doing all of the dishes and cooking meals for lunch and breakfast. When a spousal fight was not something you quickly bounced back from, but rather it knocked you out for days. And it was the joy of my life, having them all here in this time. And your husband was around instead of long away.

And you wait for the relief, but of what? When they can walk and do more things for themselves. When the sibling bickering is not your daily battle for years. I wondered again today, what is it exactly that I’m waiting for? When everyone grows up and moves out of the house? When there is supposedly less work, less food, less cleaning. For my weakened body to be stronger? And I remember this. I remember the longing for Christ.

How else would I have ever known it? I found myself apologizing to the kids over supper. Guys I’m sorry I’ve been so tired over the past couple of years. Like the times I remember when I thought I was, when I wanted to be the fun mom, when my life lit up with joy at the sheer glory of another day with you. I wanted my life to be a powerful gift to them, I could feel the vast significance. But maybe blessedly for my eyes only.

For there has never been a day, not in a long time, where I am anything but daily baffled by my deep, profound limitations. Yes my life, my love was a gift, but theirs to me was infinitely more. I was thinking about all this yesterday while riding around from here to there. I did try to tell them. They don’t say much and I know not what’s comprehended. And perhaps this too is a gift. One I don’t always understand, yet is mine nonetheless.

The boys and I made it home a little after 5 on Saturday. Over the weekend I’d gotten a text that I did not have to come in for my Sunday day shift. They were accidently overstaffed. I’d picked up that particular one because I’m supposed to be working at least one weekend shift a month. The past two months I have only done half shifts but nobody’s said anything. Since this was on them I don’t have to make it up.

So I wasn’t as worried about preserving energy for the next day. We stopped once and the rest of the time just kept going. No one had the brain power or energy to unload the van. The mudroom is full anyway and I wasn’t ready for the influx of stuff. This morning when the kids and I went out to the van for church we were met with the back of the van still full. Two of them went with me and then my daughter drove the rest.

We had a nice Mother’s Day. Josh made a roast plus potatoes, asparagus, and rolls. After that we had some downtime. The day was warmer so we all went down to the beach for a while. I’ve been filling people in about my river swimming plans. For supper we went out to eat and it was nice to be together. We stopped by the farm to see the mowing and visited my father-in-law’s grave. The remaining evening was nice too.