The kids had a snow day again today. I think we’re all enjoying these extra days at home together. It really was a mess of ice this morning and then rain and slush toward the afternoon. Tonight we’re supposed to have more freezing rain and everyone is waiting to hear if school is cancelled again.

I’m still feeling very relieved to not have to worry about another class. As the various teach-out options have come out from the school, I’m surprised by how many are going the fully online route. One of the things I’ve loved about LCU is the in-person classes. It’s really sad the school is closing. They have such a good program and excellent teachers.

One time in Hoyleton I remember looking out the window thinking, “Snowy days are great as long as/because there’s nowhere else to go”, and I felt so thankful that on that day and on many others I didn’t. I don’t know why that’s such a prominent memory, but it comes to my mind fairly often. I still think that.

I just read a Substack post by Samuel James titled Taylor Swift + Travis Kelce is Good, Actually. He gave ten reasons why. I think it was meant to be a serious but still light-hearted post. His reasons were fine and I generally agree with them, but it did not convince me to care more or have any particular feelings about whatever is going on.

My reason is because he is just a number in a long list of people she’s dated. I was happy for her and Joe, and those two I think lasted the longest, way longer than the others. I seriously don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I don’t see why Taylor Swift having a boyfriend is that big of a deal.

Miles, Graham, Aiden, and Maddy came over to walk on the lake. They came out yesterday too. It’s an attraction for camp kids to see the lake in different forms. Most people only ever see it in the summer. A few weeks ago a group from Miles and Graham’s church was here for an orienteering event. I couldn’t believe all of the similar aged couples and families, most of them homeschoolers. One of the moms came up to me and referenced “the pond”.

I didn’t say anything. I guess to some that’s what it is. The lake is so frozen these days that it doesn’t make any noise when you walk on it. When this group was here one of the parents made two huge pots of chicken noodle soup over an open fire in the dining hall. They had almost an entire pot of leftover. They asked if we would eat any of it, and if I had any leftover containers to put it in. I hardly ever turn down free food, but after digging through my lids and random Tupperware cupboard, I told them just to split it amongst themselves. I felt guilty taking their food for some reason.

They were all very nice. One of the things I like about homeschoolers are their creative ways to teach and learn. School teachers do this too, so I know it isn’t just limited to homeschooling communities. For me there was always a fine line between fun and creative experiences, and tiring yourself out with activities and the pressure to perform. Tiring ways are too much. We’re supposed to have icy weather again tomorrow so our professor already cancelled class.

There’s a standard of living

that I’ve grown accustomed to

Open fields without flowers

unchanged where they stand

Yet to learn another way

means my trees are no longer

the marker of home

We had another couple of inches of snow overnight. Josh came in this morning asking if there’d been any communication from the grade school. The high school had been cancelled. He opened my email and skimmed the message. Down at the bottom it said that most of the area schools were open today, but if you wanted to keep your kids home for the day that was fine.

“Well what do you want to do?”, he said. We’d already made our drop-off and pick-up arrangements, he was dropping off and I was picking up. “I mean, that means we’d still have to get them there and get them back”, he said. “I don’t care”, I said, “just let ‘um stay home.” I hadn’t even known it was supposed to snow. Sometimes they cancel school the night before so everyone already knows. One of the boys had recently told me before bed, that the way he feels going to bed when he knows there’s a snowday the next morning, that’s how he used to feel every night.

So we had another snow day here. Besides grocery shopping and cooking supper, I wasn’t productive at all today. Elianna came with me. Later in the day we watched the college indoor track races online. First the one, then the other, and in other news Matt Carpenter is back on the Cardinals after signing a 1-year contract. Once a Cardinal always a Cardinal with players like that.

Thine the truly, Thine the yes
Thine the table, we the guest
~Herbert Brokering~

It was warmer today, less biting outside. Dad and the kids went down to the lake again. I haven’t made it that far. I guess I haven’t the interest. Today I stuck to the main path, turning around at the swings. The outside cats have been holed up in the roof somewhere for the past several days. That’s where they go when it’s cold. They came out yesterday and were out again today, back to roaming around.

This morning I met with an woman whose house I visit on occasion. She’s quite a bit older than me, but that doesn’t seem to stop us from being able to connect. She always has questions for me to answer, that she’s written in a notebook as if she thought ahead and prepared them. Today was no different. One of the questions today was, “What does your morning routine look like?” I only had one certain answer, “I wake up every morning at 5 when my husband’s phone alarm goes off.”

One time I went with questions for her. This is one of those relationships where I feel like she’s giving more. She gives me plants to put outside of my house, snacks and drinks while I’m there, questions and verses to stimulate my thoughts. I can’t help but think I’m older now, I’m not a child now: I need to give back now. She asked me to pray at the end so I did. If I can do nothing else, that at least I can do.

The events of the past week are still fresh and affecting me. I think I thought I would be able to come home, take a day or two to recover, and then be okay to continue plodding through with life and school. My bed day didn’t even really hit me until today. The kids were off school again, this tie for cold instead of the holiday. Josh took them all to his mom’s to help with packing. They spent the afternoon there.

While they were gone I was going to work on school. I was behind with a few assignments that he’d just told me to turn in whenever. I’d tried to work on it down there and I couldn’t. I tried to work on it again today and all I could do was stare at the syllabus and think, “I really can’t do this.” Everyone says it’s an easy class, and so I thought I could handle two easy ones together. It was too much now.

So as of this afternoon, I dropped it. This means I won’t have all the classes done when the school closes. So I’m a little disappointed about that, but at the same time feel relieved. Four classes when nothing else is going on is okay. But honestly since the beginning of last spring, I have been dealing with additional emotional strain that hasn’t really come with many intervals of letting up. I am tired from all of it.

I think this is the fullest season of life we’ve ever had. Between the kids and their needs and activities, family members beginning to pass more, and our own individual things that the two of us are each involved in, it seems part of our responsibility to ourselves, each other, and others is to keep the white space of our lives from becoming too crowded. More than ever we need clear priorities, boundaries, space.

The work of death is ongoing. It doesn’t just come into our lives and then leave. My grandmother is praying for everyone else. My extended family is very sad. My mother-in-law is getting ready to move into her house near the end of this month or early in February. There is much that has had to go on since my father-in-law left us that does not include the pain of continuing on and living life in his absence.

Besides God obviously, the work for me as a wife and mother has been centered on keeping family first. Someone has to make supper, to make sure food is there to even make the supper with. It’s a part time job itself just to keep this place in decent working order at the very bare minimum level. The stuff influx management. Keeping the linen closet from becoming an unbearable view of disorder. This all takes work.

While they were gone I rested here. I want to have time and energy for the many things that matter, such as helping my mother-in-law move or talking to my kids or making supper. We don’t outgrow this. This sounds like I’m making a case for quitting my class, but I’m really just processing, just centering myself and taking time to rest and be. We’re all different, it looks different for all of us, but maybe not too much.

The kids were off school today. This morning I cut my hair just to trim the dead ends off. The ends were starting to get crunchy and I didn’t really feel like paying for a generic and typically mediocre haircut when I could just as easily do that for myself here at home. I actually kind of like it.

This afternoon we took a trip into town. My daughter had a lunch meeting with friends. While she was doing that the rest of us went to Barnes and Noble. I’d seen a Goodreads review of a book on Elisabeth Elliot. I have another book I’m starting called Foster by Claire Keegan. This was another recent John Blase recommendation. He said the author had put a spell on him. I decided I would give his recommendations one more chance.

If I don’t end up liking this one then I’m not going to bother reading any more of what he likes or recommends. Truthfully I am eager to get back to my own pet research projects and reading preferences for my own down time. I haven’t been looking forward to this semester as much as usual.

We’ve got class tonight and I haven’t done much of anything for it. There wasn’t really anything due so that was helpful. I will show up in my sweatpants, put in my time, and then come home. Thankfully too he usually lets us out early. It’s just that one harder teacher who doesn’t. I have her for an intensive but that’s a few months away. So it’s just the two 8-week classes right now: Research and Evaluation. Tests and Measures.

Josh and the boys went down to the lake again today. The past two days I have had him text me pictures. They weren’t out there as long and all came back with bright red cheeks. He and I are both nursing a cold so we’ve been taking turns with episodes of violent sneezing. Supper is on the stove.

Last night I should’ve ended with “so now I sleep” instead of “so now I wait”. To sleep is to imply that you are temporarily at peace and have let go of your cares. To be waiting is to still be wanting something. It’s true that’s where I was but it wasn’t enough to make it the end. Oh well. I woke up several times in the night, once because the room was cold.

I left around 10:45 from the parking lot and was home again around 12:20. I texted my dad to let him know, and my sisters, and my cousin, and my husband, and called my grandma again. Josh and the kids were out to lunch. When they came home I gave them all big hugs. I have a side to my personality that’s hard to show, these surges of happiness.

Surges of anything can overwhelm people. I started playing and singing Celine Dion while we were in Florida. I didn’t do it for very long. It was still pretty early and my cousin’s youngest daughter was still asleep on the couch. I was happy to be there, even under the circumstances. At first I had considered turning around and going back home.

I didn’t know what we were going to do. For months I’d had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to go down if/when Aunt Susie needed help. That’s what I was going down there for. There are things that went down in the end that I feel like should not have happened. She was upset about it too, acting as her own nurse even hours before she died.

Sometimes when our plans change we can look back and say, “Oh, if it had gone the original way then such and such would never have happened” and the story is spun with a glittering God-angle. Not that God isn’t constantly working things out all the time, but sometime his timing and reasoning remains hidden from our understanding and sight.

And in those times we walk by faith. My aunt is with the Lord and she is at peace now. I was trying just to be a sweet and comforting peaceful presence, not too vocal, not too loud, not flamboyant or with aims to rescue. Of my uncle and cousin and his family I thought, “Well these were her most special people in life. To love them is to still love her.”

But even that wasn’t fully it. They couldn’t just be special to me because of her. My uncle, my cousin, his family, they are special to me because they are special to God. Period. And over the past couple of years we’ve been blessed to have had more frequent connecting points in time which have allowed many of us to know each other again.

So all that to say, I’m glad we went. I had asked my cousin straight up on that morning, “Is it too much for us all to come?” He said maybe three might be too many. By then my aunt had already cancelled her plans. So that is when Jess went one way and Liz and I went another. We hugged and my uncle said when we left we’d gotten him off to a good start.

I didn’t quite make it home tonight. The wind was too bad and blowing the snow so I couldn’t see. It usually takes a little over three hours to get home from my sister’s house, but by about that time I was only halfway. People who were driving had their hazard lights on so everyone could see where the other vehicles were located. I followed behind a semi until I came to El Paso.

The airplane ride was uneventful. We had a different model this time and there seemed to be about 1-2 inches more of leg room on this one. Maybe it was because I was used to it, I don’t know, but the rows didn’t look as crammed this time. After landing we found the car and took turns cleaning it off. As I was clearing the snow so the car could back out, I kept thinking how not that long ago there’s no way I could’ve done this.

I miss my husband and my kids. Some time apart is fine but after a while you’re ready to be back. And what’s a hotel room without a bedmate or space overflowing with kids and bags? On the drive I called and spoke with several relatives via telephone. It’s supposed to drop below zero into the night and early morning. I decided it was best to stop for the night, so now I wait.

This afternoon my cousin, sister, and I went for a walk. One of their dogs was up at the house plus another dog that they are dog-sitting for over the week. Dogs sure seem like an awful lot of work. Three of my siblings have dogs now and I’ve caught only glimpses of all that is involved in caring for them and training them. This was the first time I think I’ve ever walked a dog.

Cats are a lot easier. Growing up that’s what we had after a series of emotionally based decisions by my mother. One day there was a free cat in the pet store and the rest is history. From there we enjoyed several litters and got attached to many of them, even getting to keep an entire litter at one point. Mom got attached to another one later. By the time we moved from New York there were six cats that needed homes.

My grandparents took all of them. Only one was allowed inside, but the rest had a home on their outdoor porch and four acres of land. My grandma has often told me the story of how I gave her two dollars before we moved telling her it was to put toward cat food and if she needed more to let me know. I don’t remember that but she never did ask for any more dollars.