I heard this song while wrapping presents and thought I’d put it here.

Yet Not I, But Through Christ in Me
Sung by CityAlight

What gift of grace is Jesus my redeemer
There is no more for heaven now to give
He is my joy, my righteousness, and freedom
My steadfast love, my deep and boundless peace

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
For my life is wholly bound to his
Oh how strange and divine, I can sing, “All is mine”
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

The night is dark but I am not forsaken
For by my side, the Savior he will stay
I labor on in weakness and rejoicing
For in my need, his power is displayed

To this I hold, my Shepherd will defend me
Through the deepest valley he will lead
Oh the night has been won, and I shall overcome
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

No fate I dread, I know I am forgiven
The future sure, the price it has been paid
For Jesus bled and suffered for my pardon
And he was raised to overthrow the grave

To this I hold, my sin has been defeated
Jesus now and ever is my plea
Oh the chains are released, I can sing, “I am free”
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

With every breath I long to follow Jesus
For he has said that he will bring me home
And day by day I know he will renew me
Until I stand with joy before the throne

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
All the glory evermore to him
When the race is complete, still my lips shall repeat
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

When the race is complete, still my lips shall repeat
Yet not I, but through Christ in me
Yet not I, but through Christ in me
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

Casper is still around and growing but I don’t think my name preference is going to win out. Pretty much everyone else calls him Dipstick. Obviously I wasn’t going to call him that, though I will say the name has only slightly been growing on me. Besides being mostly white on the rest of his body, his tail is dark brown and I guess looks like the part of the car where you check the oil.

I wanted to get him stocking like the rest of the cats. So when we were in Target the other day, I was hoping to find one with his initial on it to match the others. My daughter initially found one with a C, except it was a rainbow pattern instead of the classic solid knit like the other ones have. And then she found, you would not believe this, one that matched the others but with the letter D.

There were like four stockings that matched and all of them had the letter D. There were no other letters. I figured they’d be picked over but I wasn’t expecting that. I was actually fine getting the C with the rainbow pattern but no one else liked it. So occasionally I have called him Dipstick but neither of his names feel right to me now. If the others want to call him that, that’s fine.

I’ve currently lost my voice for the time being. My daughter came into our room this morning and said something about going out. I went to say something back and was as surprised as she when not much came out. She said I sounded awful and asked if I wanted some tea. I said yes and she brought me some. My throat has been sore and scratchy on and off for about a week but hasn’t really felt bad enough to be called sick.

Josh and the kids are at my in-laws house again tonight. We’re going on the third holiday season in a row where I have not been able to participate as much and keep up with the family rhythms. Twenty years into marriage and I like to think we’re past the mundane issues of navigating family time during the holidays, and honestly I think we’ve had it generally easy in that regard. When we couldn’t travel they would travel to us. And since we’ve been closer we are able to travel almost nightly through the holiday. It’s what has worked.

My sister-in-law’s family only visits twice a year and so I understand the idea of wanting to maximize time together and enjoying time spent with everyone under one roof. I just am not able to keep up with that pace anymore, and also do enjoy having down time where we simply stay home without plans to go out. The further the night goes the more sick I am feeling and there just isn’t the same push through potential as before.

All that to say, sometimes you have to have those more redefining conversations in order to work to start to forge a new normal. I have felt in some sense like I have needed to break away from my family and have more room for my whole self to grow and develop. I speak as if it was a choice but I don’t really think it was my own doing that did this. It also hasn’t always been a clean or comfortable break. But now I feel it’s time we need to integrate this new way of being into our life, into something that isn’t me going without the family.

That is, something we’re not coping with until things get better. But rather, something that has altered our lives in a way that has called us to be better. I think it’s one of the keys to health and happiness in marriage in being able to be flexible and grow with the times. Where sometimes you go without for the betterment of all, and sometimes the all rallies around the one who needs it. But all in the spirit that love has no bounds.

This evening we went to my mother-in-law’s house for supper. Jessica and the girls are up for Christmas break. She and her husband have different break times this year so she went ahead and came up earlier, with him being scheduled to arrive sometime later tomorrow evening. I had another day of training for my new job today but felt alright enough to go along afterward. The day was good and there wasn’t nearly the amount of mental clamor as there had been before.

The kids helped my mother-in-law put up her Christmas tree. She didn’t want to do the big one this year. There are extra pieces of furniture in her living room that are waiting for homes in the new house which is getting closer to being completed on the inside. Something happened with the original lights so they restrung it using whatever they had. The top part of the tree has blue lights and the bottom part has clear lights. I liked that it was a little unconventional.

Before we eat everyone usually takes a minute to find their own drinks. There is usually some kind of tea in the fridge, along with a variety of sodas, water, or other canned or bottled drinks from the garage. On my way out there I caught a glimpse of my father-in-law’s sweatshirt that was hanging on their back hallway hook rack. It hasn’t always been there and I’ve always thought it looked nice. I noticed the sweatshirt along with several of his hats which looked strangely so real.

My sister-in-law was in the garage and I asked her if it was her sweatshirt or his. It was from Concordia Chicago where she went to school. I knew he had a sweatshirt from there but I thought maybe she had brought one up on her recent trip and hung it there. She said it was his and then we both had a moment of needing to maintain our composure. I wanted to cry then but we were getting ready to sit down and I didn’t want to make a scene. I wished we could’ve.

She said she thinks her mom is going to keep them there and hang them in the mud room entryway in the new house. We walked back through the tinier kitchen hallway that had at one time been widened when they did their remodel. I am going to miss the old house as it is the last house remaining from earlier years of my life. We had a nice supper around the table. The girls had helped make a couple of casseroles, with salad, rolls, and pumpkin cake for dessert.

This is one of those evenings where I open the computer and think “what in the world am I going to write for three paragraphs?” Sometimes things just aren’t as obvious. This morning I took the boys to school and then spent some time cleaning up in the kitchen. I made breakfast for myself and for my son who was the only one home with me but still asleep. Dad was doing a chapel service farther away.

After cleaning up the kitchen I laid down on the couch. I stayed there for probably two hours and fell asleep. Dad and the boys came home a little after 11. By then I was up again and had straightened up the living room, shaken out the tree skirt, and swept the dust and Christmas tree needles from the floor. I found the Christmas puzzles from last year and moved our card table into the mud room.

Then I drove to spend some time with a pastor’s wife and her children for the afternoon. It was nice to spend some time in their home. I smiled at the overflowing garbage and marks of young ones in every room. Her husband was in and out a few times dutifully busy with all the small town Advent pastor things. Dad and the kids went to church this evening but I decided to rest some more and stay home.

Today I had my first day of training on the floor. I think it went okay. Around the three hour mark (10AM) I was questioning whether or not I was really cut out for this work. As much as I love hospitals, there’s no way I could handle right now the pace and workload or even ever. One of the reasons I chose this place was because I was hoping it was something that’d be a little slower pace and less stressful.

It’s basically a nursing home that’s trying really hard not to be. But it is, and the part where I am training especially is, though I still would consider it within the realm of “a nice place”. I just kept thinking about the long-term care unit at my old workplace and how once you get to know the people and the routines it can actually be enjoyable work. There were over 20+ residents that you were in charge of.

So the 14-15ish on this unit is going to be doable once I learn and remember what it is I am doing. Then it’s less mechanical and becomes more personal. You really can feel like all you are is a pill pusher, the medical system is completely screwed up, and that you’re not really helping these people or making a difference in their life. But if you take it one day at a time, and start to know the people, that all changes.

I don’t want to sound overconfident. I guess I could still decide that I don’t really like it and end up telling the directors that this isn’t for me. I did think it several times. And imagined leaving around noon to tell the scheduling lady that instead of working on summer I’d rather go to REACH after all, maybe that would be better. REACH is the short-stay rehab unit. I told them I wanted to train where I was.

I’ve been in a funk the past few days but I think I’m moving out of it now. The days have been fairly busy and I am trying to keep up with resting from everything. I am sore and tired from working this shift. Tonight we drove around some nearby towns to look at Christmas lights. There’s a display that syncs their lights with music and turns it into an almost 20-minute light show. So that was a nice time together.

Today I picked the boys up early from school. Dad and Ethan were out at the farm and I was going to be meeting my parents for a short time while they were in town for holiday shopping. We met at Barnes & Noble. I love that store so much and it always makes me want to read, the kind of reading that isn’t school related. It makes me think that I would actually read all of the novels.

We ate lunch at Portillo’s. I learned something about my dad that I didn’t know, and that is that he used to live in the town where the original Portillo’s went into business. His dad used to take him there and when he did it was considered special. He paid for lunch which was nice. I didn’t get anything. Nothing sounded good to me.

My son did though so we sat in the corner booth until Josh met us to pick up the other one that did not have an orthodontist appointment that day. My sister-in-law and the girls are here so all of them went out for lunch. My son and I said goodbye to my parents and then we hopped on the interstate to Jacksonville. She took out the spacers he’s had for a while since he didn’t need them anymore.

The kids and I went to church this morning. Dad had to preach in Jacksonville–it’s not too far. They are currently in a vacancy so they call and ask him to come and fill in from time to time. There was talk about his name being on the call list there, but one of the men whose involved with the high school has told them he thinks he’s pretty happy where he is. There have been occasional inquiries like this over the past several years regarding call lists and interviews. He tells them he’s happy here.

One the way home I stopped by the store. I was short on ingredients for sick food. So I picked up some ginger ale and Sprite and a rotisserie chicken for chicken soup. I know soda is not the greatest thing for you but in the case of being sick, the sugars that are in it actually give the body energy more than plain water especially in the case of fevers. It’s not something I recommend drinking every day, but with ice and a glass jar there is something simple to it. Old wives tales are not complicated.

The rest of the non-sick kids went out to eat with Grandma and Dad. Ethan stayed in town to watch the NCAA Division I volleyball championship at Grandma’s house and then was headed over to Laura’s. Last I heard they were making cookies. The rest of us spent the Sunday afternoon and evening home. My phone told me today I’ve had a 22-week streak of less activity and less calories burned since mid-summer. I haven’t been trying much to get steps in lately but I didn’t realize it’d been that long.

The three older kids are at the Christmas dance this evening. We hosted supper again for the pre-dance meal. It was Elianna and Maddy, plus their two dates, Miles and Matt. In addition was Micah, who is also Maddy’s brother. Their parents are sadly no longer together, but the kids have stayed friends and have been friends since they were very little. Ethan also went along, technically taken by Miles. Matt and Ethan are both post-high school and worked at camp together last summer. They are also close friends.

At least I did not cry when they all left this time. My mother-in-law was also here for supper and joined my husband and I at the adults table in the living room–the younger boys ate with the others. Once the kids left we cleaned up the table and dishes. I did not do most of the cooking. Usually Josh does the meat and I do the sides, but he did everything this time. While he was food prepping I was giving the boys hair cuts. I know marriage is not about keeping score, but it’s still strange to me how much I’m not doing.

I was talking about this earlier with another wife and mother. She asked if there was anything she could send along, having sometimes sent along rolls and a dessert. I said we had everything and were good. Josh was getting ready to go to the store and I asked what the roll brand was she usually gets (food allergy friendly). And then she just insisted that rolls and dessert were coming along, thanks to her husband who was about to take a trip to the store and would make the dessert. And then I wondered.

Is this a special phase in marriage where husbands take over significant amounts of cooking responsibilities and complete almost 100% of the Christmas shopping? She hadn’t bought yet a single gift either. Her vacation planning and recovery had taken all of her brain cells. Women joke about the brain cells things but do men do this ever? Have we burned through more with the years of worry and birthing and multi-tasking? Or is this just one of those ways we are different? Manifesting as the weaker vessels?

She too had a similar health breakdown following the year her sister was murdered. Strange neurological symptoms including drooping and numbness in the face. The doctor said it was likely due to a virus though he did prescribe an anti-biotic that helped for the sores that had broken out on her skull. She had to quit all kinds of things and couldn’t do much for almost a year. She did go to counseling and started slowly getting better. In stressful times the face symptoms come back. Either way we were grateful.

The Christmas tree farm was closed for the season. I was worried the places in town would be fairly picked over, but there were still plenty of trees to be had. I don’t know how to Christmas in this new family season. When the kids were small, like all under ten, everything felt so natural to me. As a mother you had a sort of power over your children. You directed the day and created the light.

There was something undeniably God-like about it. And now I’m just mom. And the pains are still there, but they’re different now. Just like each person who lives here is, their personalities coming out and developing, whereas before they were just kids. They were themselves, but altogether one in a way that remains in my mind but has faded with time.

It isn’t strife or sullenness, the things that you would expect at this stage. It’s distance and me in my room while they decorate. I did eventually come out and everyone opened their Advent pajamas. Dad did the shopping for those this year. The one whose former pants were six inches off of the ground was grateful. The rest were too. Mine were green, a new favorite pair of pajama pants now.