My daughter and I went for a walk this morning. I wanted to get some fresh air and body movement (exercise doesn’t seem like quite the right word). She wanted to go down and see the creek. It wasn’t quite dried up. Our cat Midnight followed us down there. She stayed down there with us until it was time to go back.
The families are all arriving today. One from Iowa, one from Minnesota, one from Wisconsin, one from Michigan, two from northern Illinois and then my parents from about an hour south. This year my parents are bringing a young man who goes to their church. My cousin, his wife, and two daughters are also here from Florida.
This year we are trying something new in that we are spreading out the kitchen work amongst the adults. Each family was responsible for offering a meal idea and grocery list for that meal. My sister compiled all the results and then we are taking turns in the kitchen with each meal. The kids also have a helping schedule.
It’s strange to me how quickly life has moved on after my father-in-law’s passing. Not a day has gone by that I personally have not thought about him and I know that is true for my husband as well. It was his dad who died and for that reason I have been more reserved in my expression so as not to turn this into an experience where he is the one who is comforting me when I would much rather be the one who is comforting him.
I guess I expected more tears, more conversations about grief, more reflecting on the days of his presence. I was almost 40 before I ever lost a grandparent, so I didn’t know how my kids, being much younger, would take this loss especially with someone who was so much a part of our lives. But they all overall seem to be doing well. People do say that everyone grieves differently and that there isn’t a right or a wrong way to grieve.
I’ve thought about this more in the days of my son being home. Both this time and last time, it’s different for me when he’s here. There was grief I went through over my son, not in the sense of losing him as part of life on this earth, but in, as they say, letting him go. There was grief over what had already been lost even before any tears began coming. When I see him there’s this sense that the process worked, that I’m at peace.
This morning Josh, Ethan, and I went shopping for Thanksgiving. Before that we stopped by a little restaurant for breakfast. It wasn’t too busy.
Tonight we had a later class again. We talked about our Thanksgiving plans and had a guest speaker for the night who was also our professor’s husband. He’s also a professor so that was kind of fun hearing them refer to each other as Dr. so-and-so.
The day before Thanksgiving is usually a prep day. This year I’d like to make door decals with everyone’s name and scarves again for the soap.
The younger boys and I played Scrabble tonight. The bigger kids were all out doing things. Two of them were at a local Lutheran church youth group. Ethan was meeting Laura for supper. Dad had a voter’s meeting. I probably should’ve gone but at this point I’ve kind of mentally checked out of that almost done position (not saying that’s right). I wrote my report and gave it to Josh to read. I was thankful he was doing that for me.
I feel like all I’ve been saying for the past two years is “I have this paper that’s due this weekend” “I have a paper I need to be working on”. I think my definition of paper has changed. “Paper” means anything that has ten or more pages. If it’s smaller than that then it’s only an assignment. Today I was working on my Multicultural paper which has to be 20-25 pages. The other one I have to do has to be 20. I found four more sources.
Today I decided that I’m not going to try super hard on this paper. I’m going to type things, get my required amount of pages, and turn it in. I think I still am a little hurt from the last one that I did try hard on. I’m not the only one who felt this way. I was talking with another classmate about our thoughts this afternoon. Something about this teacher makes us uncomfortable and it’s because our own issues are getting stirred up.
I remember feeling this way another time trying to write. Toward the end, I kept turning things in and it wasn’t right. No problem, I thought, I just need to be open and learn and be humbled. These people, after all, were smarter than me. I remember one piece I had submitted and resubmitted so many times that by the time I was on my last attempt to get it right I didn’t recognize it. I couldn’t remember what I had once wanted it to be.
And then it finally occurred to me that maybe this really isn’t about grit or determination or humility or grace. Maybe it was time to view this all from a different vantage point, from the view that a door had been purposely closed and the reason it had been is because God was moving you elsewhere. Maybe they really just didn’t want you. Maybe this really just wasn’t good enough. Maybe it was time to let go of that place.
Everyone waited up for Dad and Ethan last night. They arrived back home around 11:40 pm. I’d gone to bed for a while and slept from about 10-10:30. Elianna came in and laid down on our bed. I gave her a back rub for a while, not too long. People talk about how their teenagers will come in and talk to them when it’s later at night. They could be super tired but they are so thrilled to have their child sharing with them a piece of their heart and their time.
I wouldn’t say it happens often. My oldest would do that more, where randomly at 11:30 at night he’d start telling me all about something usually related to sports. Those times I had that thrilling feeling, where you’re just so happy that this person is talking to you. With my daughter it’s different. She’s more like her dad in that she is more reserved and keeps her feelings mostly to herself. She never liked journal prompts with personal questions.
But she liked to write stories, or blurbs about an animal she’d researched. Our personalities are different, but we have our femaleness to bond us. If I’ve done the right thing when she comes in, and thrown my phone off to the side like the waste of time in parenting it so oftentimes is, then she’ll pick it up and start looking through pictures. Last night we were texting Ethan, asking about their eta and seeing how long it’d take him to notice it wasn’t me.
Josh’s dad used to make one day round trips. During his freshman year of college, I traveled to visit him a couple of times with his parents and sister. I don’t remember what we did for hotel rooms. I think I must’ve stayed with a friend, one of the girls they knew and who had a futon. This past time when we visited Seward it looked different because the trees were all big. Before, when we were there, they were young trees nowhere near as grown.
My daughter and I went out tonight after a family dinner out. The Bath & Body works soaps were on sale for $2.95 a piece, insane. But good timing since I was there to buy lots of them. I like to use them as welcoming gifts. I thought my son looked taller today, but he said it just because I haven’t seen him in a while. He was right. His head was no taller than the last pencil line. One of them had grown several inches since earlier this year. I’m not surprised.
After a whirlwind week of homework, a random job, and visiting a convent, I am needing a moment to center myself and collect my thoughts. I haven’t been in the greatest place mentally, as if the ground beneath me is not still stable. You’re tired of hearing it, I’m tired of saying it, but whatever it is that is different about me now is here to stay.
There really do not feel like there are words worth much writing. I have much to do, Lord-willing, today and tomorrow. Josh is en-route to Nebraska to pick up our college student. I do of course wish to clean in extra welcoming measure, to sweep and shine the floors and diffuse my Orange essential oil.
Not to pray as the hypocrites do, but I would like to ask God, “Can you give me strength to live my life? To have joy? To be at peace?” I am tired of the patterns of over-exertion, of the up and down moods and the isolations of my mind. In a little while I will pick up the boys from school. We’ll come home and have lunch. They are wonderful helpers.
I don’t know if there were more leaves on the trees this year or what but it seems like the ground is just covered with them right now. I don’t remember ever seeing them this thick before to where it might has well be snow that has fallen. I played some Christmas music this morning–not the obnoxious kind. The kids noticed and thought it was still too early. Do they not remember? Come mid-November, it was time for Christmas music and decorating the school room.
Our new hire training finished up this afternoon. I don’t need to worry about it now for over a month. Not much has changed that I can tell so far. I don’t know what it is about healthcare professionals, but there seems to be this universal thing where we are notorious for taking poor care of ourselves. You would think nurses especially would not have this problem. But right before break the instructor announced that she just remembered she hadn’t peed yet today.
That’s a mild example. You become so used to having your hands and body in other people’s body fluids that it’s not big deal to speak of your own. When I would do 12-hour training shifts in St. Louis, I prided myself on how I could go the whole shift without peeing. It seemed like kind of a rock-star skill that even after giving birth I still pretty much had an iron bladder. It seems so stupid to me now. When you have to go you just go, no holding it for ungodly amounts of hours.
But none of it was conscious. You just didn’t stop, and when you did sit down for lunch, it wasn’t for very long. It almost felt wrong to eat. When we toured the floors yesterday sometime past two, both the daytime nurses were eating their lunch. “Of course you caught me after I just sat down”, one said. No one was judging. I don’t think it’ll be that busy of a place. It always thought it was weird to see staff members. I did it, but not at the nurses desk. You went into the back to have privacy.
I think it’s more of a thing people talk about now. I know I for one am much more aware of my own body. For a while I’ve wondered how women who work full-time make it through the day without the chance to take a nap. Now I know. They just talk about it from after lunch onward of how tired they are and how much they need a nap. We walk to the juice bar and get something to drink. It made me feel better to know they got tired. I still do wonder about Taylor Swift and her rain shows.
I didn’t go to class tonight either. My paper wasn’t completely done and I needed to know I had more time to work on it. This morning before leaving for training I read one of the articles assigned from last week and the assignment made much more sense after that. I try to at least skim through the articles she posts.
This job environment is starting to feel more comfortable. I was kind of mad at myself for being impulsive and signing up for this. Josh’s dad has only been gone a little over a month. You’re not supposed to make major life changes during those sorts of times. There was a crap ton of stuff already going on and then I just added one more thing to the mix. The night after I interviewed with the nursing director, I had the worst series of nightmares I’ve ever had in my life. When I woke up my mind directly went to the interview. I was terrified the nursing director had been a witch and had cast a hidden spell upon me and tried to curse me in some way. I pretty quickly was able to tell myself that God does not send dreams like this.
The scheduling lady met with us individually to set up times to start to work on the floor. I told her I really couldn’t start until after this semester was over. That’s over a month away but I really can’t afford to take any more added time away from working on these bigger papers. And when I was looking at the rest of December, I wanted to tell her, “Well, I kind of need about 10 days leading up to Christmas to spend with my kids doing fun Christmas things.” And about 10 days afterward because that’s when I am usually exhausted or sick. But who in the real word would understand any of that?
My sister texted this afternoon to show us her acceptance letter. She was offered a job at the Lutheran church where her boys go to school. It’s an administrative assistant position 15 hours a week. Just an hour or so prior to this I’d texted them a picture of my new employee badge. This morning we began the first day of the orientation and training process for new hires. We watched a lot of videos.
Tomorrow and Wednesday are for clinical training. You’re not actually on the floor, you’re just getting the more specific ins and outs of your department. I have officially bit off more than I can currently chew at the moment. Yesterday evening I skipped a church meeting (Josh went for me) so I could finish a 5-7 page professional identity paper. Today I had to email my practicum supervisor and let him know I couldn’t be there today because of this training. Tonight I am staying home from one class to write a 5-page Social Identity and Cultural Self-Assessment assignment for another.
This Multicultural class is supposedly the hardest class of the program and it’s the class I am taking with the semester of taking 15 credit hours. So it’s not like I’m being a weenie about this, not that anyone has said that I am. But I am starting to feel the pressure of stressing in regards to getting everything done. There’s Thanksgiving as well where everyone is scheduled to be here over a course of four days.
The Ethnographic Observation essay isn’t due until December. I received a nice note from the host sister filling me in on what they had done for the rest of the weekend. I’m glad the other Rebekah had some personal one-on-one time with her since she was the one who was actually looking into officially joining. The entire process from start to finish takes approximately eight years. During that time you are given multiple opportunities to opt out and decide that the religious life isn’t for you.
She compared the discernment process to the process of courtship. I can’t imagine a courtship taking as long as eight years, but maybe in some other culture it somewhere exists. And it isn’t that other options aren’t religious. They had just finished hosting a vocational retreat where they teach on the four vocations: single life, married life, ordained life (priests), and avowed religious life (monks, brothers, sisters, and nuns).
There’s another girl who was there as part of the nursing staff for training. She had worked in another area long-term care facility and said they treated their employees like s*%#. It can be kind of hit or miss with these places. I won’t be able to fully know what I think until I am able to spend more time in the care units. Today they gave us free lunch so that was nice. Josh is making supper tonight before he has his meeting. We had to cancel piano lessons, but I told the boys I’d be their listener.
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