Our presentation last night was a bit of a flop. Basically we ran out of time at the end. We had not practiced except for once in the hour before class. There was a strict 15 minute time limit and we were told ahead of time that when time was up the presentation was over.

That’s exactly what happened. In addition, throughout the presentation the slide kept coming on and off of the big screen. You would be talking and saying your part, guided by what you were seeing on the screen, and then the screen would go blank. So then you had to look down at the other computer and continue on as of nothing out of the ordinary was happening. At one point the teacher told us to pause the time clock and we all fiddled with the computer cord. But after that it we just dealt with it.

I had previously mentioned being concerned about the time. The other group rocked their presentation and finished with a full three minutes to spare. The rubric had said that typically the presentation focuses on either the literature review or the therapy plan. I knew both of those parts had been included in the slides. I was wondering if I was the only person who had read that. We had each made slides for the parts of the paper we’d written. I spent almost two days reading through and editing to make things flow and fit together so I felt like I was very familiar with the material. I also felt like the part with the group plan was the bulk of the paper and included most of the information we needed to present.

But somewhere in that span of time I did not have the brain power to turn what I was reading into some kind of coordinated administrative action on my part where we discussed how we wanted to do this and what parts we might need to leave out of the slides. Mad is nowhere near the right feeling word, but I felt a lesser and duller version of mad that it seemed no one else had had that either. There was no discussing it afterward to process. No comforting or reassuring words from the podium. There was just going back to our seats and having the regular class lecture begin.

So anyway, that could’ve gone better but it didn’t. Today was another full day between being at my in-laws and being out again more for a few other things. I brought the boys home after lunch for some afternoon time at home. The pastors have been up at a pastor’s conference this week so I subbed today for our pastor who for this year teaches band and choir at the high school. I enjoyed doing that and seeing my kids in the hallways. Josh is staying the night with his parents to be support and an extra hand for his mom if needed.

I decided not to go to my earlier group class. I said the thing about feeling good but now I am actually very tired today. I laid down and realized I needed to stay here for a while. Josh has been talking about hiking the Grand Canyon or training to climb Pike’s Peak in a couple years with the boys. In a couple of years I think I could probably do it.

We finished our presentation slides today. It’s worth 30% of our grade so it’s kind of important. I’m still wanting to get straight A’s in my classes which I’ve done with the exception of an A- last quarter by only like a couple of hundredths of a percent. I know it isn’t what truly most matters. They say that sometimes in order to get an A in life you need to get a B in class. I agree but don’t always live by that.

Tim and a man who volunteers came over this morning to put new windows in the front of the house. Later this week they’re supposed to work on the back ones. I still want to get updated siding at some point but am happy for these. Josh and his mom are doing the pickups today. Last night we ate supper at their house and had a nice time.

The kids and I spent the evening at my in-laws house tonight. After practicum this morning I picked up the boys from school. Even with the busyness and added stressors I’ve thankfully been feeling pretty good as of late. I did take the afternoon time to rest until it was time to leave to take my son to cross country practice. My daughter’s team was practicing at the old high school campus, so after dropping him off we drove to the school and waited for about a half hour for the other kids to show up.

My heart feels blessed to have so many people it knows and loves. At one point today I had three children running at the same time in three different places. The whole thing of being a mom continues to be an exercise in trusting God. I used to think my mind had been completely wrecked because of being a mom. It seemed and can still seem at times like you carefree days are completely over, that is, your ability to simply be happy without the burden of worrying about people you now are responsible for.

It felt like there could never be peace. But today I had peace. Or at least I tried to again to practice the way of peace which comes again in the letting go. It’s weird. With my son being away you would think I would be praying for him more often than I actually do. But praying for a person is another way of thinking of a person, and it feels like I am supposed to not be thinking of him so much, that when I think of him I think of God, and know that God instead is thinking of him for me. I have peace in that.

My father-in-law was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. It feels so good to have him back at their house again. They have a hospital bed set up for him there. The hospice nurse was there for several hours today. Two of my husband’s aunts were also there to help get things settled. While they were out in the living room I was in his room and we talked. This is why we wanted him here. Because we could be with him and give him experiences and care we could not have given if he wasn’t close by.

I don’t understand this life we are called to, a life that sometimes seems so unfair. I think it to myself, but I don’t say it to God. I don’t need to, he already knows what I think. He already knows every thought, song, and mystery that confounds me. My heart is not lifted up, my eyes are open before him, and I have nothing to say because he has taken my words. I love you, I love you, I want to say back to him, and I say it to him quietly without saying anything. His banner over me is love and fulfillment.

My daughter and I went grocery shopping this afternoon. The woman at the lone check-out aisle had turned her light off, but thankfully when she saw our cart she said we could come to her. We had a pretty full cart full of lunch, breakfast, and snack-type items. This is how I think I want to do this now. It’s too much to shop for everything at once. Breaking the shopping up into parts seems to make it more doable.

I don’t have much to say tonight, neither do I feel like saying much. I tried to write a poem and called it “Silence”. It didn’t work. So I put the computer away and was going to do something else. I have this thing though where I don’t like to let the first day of the month pass by without posting. It feels like I’ve missed an important day if I do.

The paper that was due last week has to be a presentation now. It’s the harder teacher so she gave all kinds of thorough and depressing feedback. I really like school, but the projects and assignments can feel like a nuisance when so many other things are going on in the meantime. If I had unlimited money I would keep going to school and keep getting degrees. No PhDs though. I haven’t even the faintest desire for that.

I texted Josh to let him know that there’d been people outside our front door all day. The Emmaus group is here this weekend, along with a church group from Decatur, plus a Girl Scout group that’s not been here before. I said I should be getting paid for door/office service, or at least getting the HSA family raise I requested. It was all a bit passive aggressive, I admit.

Sometimes I just feel like he needs to know what goes on around here. One of the ladies whose money I took said she had just been on the phone with him. While I was in the middle of texting him a man walked into our house and said, “Hello?” I never know whether to say hello back or to say as I am coming around the corner, “Oh, this isn’t the office.” I said hello, and he said in a way suddenly timid and shy, “Oh. This isn’t the office is it.” No it’s not, but that’s okay. People do this all the time.

“Lock the door”, he said. Always the man coming up with the solutions. I guess it’s not just men who do this. The other day in our group therapy class my professor interrupted my heated and overly zealous biblical exposition saying, “You are really intent on fixing this for her”, the her being the classmate whose personal issues we were discussing. I was intent.

They decided today to officially bring my father-in-law home on hospice care. They’ve discontinued his oral chemo drugs and gave him the option to begin more infusions in St. Louis. The infusions came with side effects and could be risky with his weakened health. They would also require him to be there for monitoring for up to ten days at a time per infusion. None of us felt like that was the right thing to do. It is the hope to have everything set up and ready so he can come home this Tuesday.

I’ve been feeling compelled to talk to my own kids more about what is going on. When people ask they ask how Josh and the kids are doing with everything. I share my answers, but in so doing, I realize I am needing more information myself. I have one child who is more emotional. The others are quieter. But we are all in agreement that this was not what we wanted.

There really needs to be some kind of award or automatic email or something that goes out whenever you get your kids’ paperwork turned in. Like, every step of the way when you’re making the appointments, actually remembering to make them with the doctors, the dentists, the eye people. But it’s not enough if you can’t actually keep track of the papers for a month or two and until it’s time to actually turn them in.

Or when your womanly time of the month comes upon you and you haven’t just been in a huge fight with your spouse. Like, these are things to celebrate and be thankful for. To reach out your hand and do some kind of tender-hearted fist bump and hear someone say when that happens, “Nice job”. Oh I write it down in my journal and thank God.

This feels like such a full and busy season. Last night before class I was talking to the mom whose son went away to college last year. I feel like this is something moms talk about more, but she mentioned feeling like we are able to talk about babies and toddlers, but as your kids get older, you can’t talk about the struggles as openly. I mean, there really are all kinds of us moms out there. You just read through the reel comments in your Instagram search feed if you need to know you’re not alone.

During the day I’d been trying to decide whether or not I was bothered or hurt that he hadn’t texted me back from the five hours before when I told him his package was supposed to get there today. But when I was talking to the other mom he texted to say that Adam Wainwright was retiring from the Cardinals. He recently won his 200th game as a pitcher and it had taken him basically everything he had to get to that point.

I had recently been wondering about the whole Adam Wainwright thing. The Cardinals basically stink this year. I was wondering if he ever regretted not retiring last year with Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina, the greats who he had the honor of playing with. They were the three who’ve been on the team this whole time, minus the ten years Albert Pujols left to play elsewhere. I feel like the Cardinals fans forgave him for that.

I didn’t tell him any of this. Instead I said something about Wainwright having a great career and having a lot to be proud of. And how the first time I ever saw him play was when he pitched as the 2006 World Series closer. Ethan was only a toddler then. But it was playoff season in Hoyleton and they were huge Cardinals fans there. Since it was the World Series we figured we probably should watch.

He didn’t say anything after that. It’s fine. Some of the acorns are really squished up now and I wouldn’t have thought we had enough cars for that. There’s a tree just off the road that always turns yellow in fall and I always thought it was a some kind of oak. But today it looked more like there were pecans falling around it. The other day when I was at the swings with one of the boys I noticed the squirrels hopping from tree to tree.

Dad and Elianna went to the store this evening to get the snacks we’re supposed to bring for the school kids tomorrow. I spent most of today doing wife and mom things. I cleaned our room, vacuumed, even wet-mopped the floor. There was laundry to start, fold, and put away. I deep cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, and thawed a chicken for supper. Earlier in the morning I noticed that one of the outdoor cats had gotten inside again. Silly Tom.

When I started having panic attacks again a couple of years ago there words that would come to mind that I did not want to say. I don’t know what panic attack means or feels like for others, but for me it always feels like I am dying. There is no other explanation for the sudden and bodily chaos. Thinking you are dying makes it worse. Saying you are not dying doesn’t make it worse, but it doesn’t necessarily make it any better. I thought I was dying in my sister’s bed and that I wasn’t going to make it home to be with my family.

It was in that moment that I discovered that the hardest but most peace-bringing thing was to say, “Lord, if it is your will to take me home, take me home. Otherwise, help me to live.” If I was dying there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. And if it was time for me to die there was absolutely no point in fighting it.

People used to say things that would drive me absolutely crazy. I’m talking about the things people would say about marriage whenever you would read the books or blogs. “Only God can meet your deepest needs.” It all sounded absolutely miserable, crazy, or weak. My deepest needs for what? Love? Faithfulness? Companionship? No. You master skills. You compromise. You figure out how to have a happier marriage so you don’t need to say such wicked things. You mitigate the pains of life so that now you don’t need so much from God.

“Only God can meet your deepest needs” was code for “I actually couldn’t figure out how to have a strong or happy marriage, ” which was a statement that was absolutely unacceptable to me. I could not handle that there were so many unhappy marriages out there, that this could be even be such a semi-common saying.

Why we have to be so dependent on God is something that bothers but also comforts me. I sometimes think that I have lived my life, I don’t need any more. I have done the things I wanted to do, namely, get married, have kids, be around at least for a significant amount of time for me to raise them. Life was good. Life was hard. Life sometimes felt like death, but all that did was make me want to be near God, to be okay with a life that lasts forever because in forever there will be no crying or tears. To be in need is to be okay.

“We discover each other by following the same vocation and by supporting each other in the same search. Therefore, the Christian community is not a closed circle of people embracing each other, but a forward-moving group of companions bound together by the same voice asking for their attention.”
~Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out:
The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life~

Earlier this afternoon our paper group met for a video chat meeting. There seemed to be some miscommunication regarding what parts everybody was doing, or rather, things were getting done in a way that were different from how I thought they were getting done when I sent out our paper document with all of the headings. Last I knew we split the rubric up in thirds, two parts each. But now words were showing up that had their own headings and were not part of what I thought our original plan was.

I was a little stressed but not horribly. These things get done, they always do. I’m finishing up on my part tonight and feel like I should be able to get most of it done. In a perfect world it would be amazing if everyone has their parts finished up by noon tomorrow, and the rest of the day can be spent putting together the final draft. This paper could be done an entire day ahead of time. I would hope for the teacher to have some leniency on an assignment like this.

I texted my son this morning to see how his blisters were doing. He said they were alright. I said I was unsure on whether or not to check in about them or if I should just not worry about it. I want to make sure they are healing okay and that he’s doing what he can to take care of them well. But I also don’t want to bother him if he’s doing fine. He said they were okay and he’d let me know if something goes wrong. I said okay and felt okay about that. And I did feel better. I didn’t understand how hard this can be.

You can never quite think of everything. When packing things for Nebraska I knew I wanted to bring a blanket. That was one of the things I’d forgot to pack and send along when they left last month. At first I was going to bring the Cardinals fleece one I made for his bed. But if he hadn’t thought to bring it himself, maybe he didn’t want that one. Maybe I would just send a generic blanket and leave the Cardinals one here.

That’s what I did. So now the Cardinals blanket can be tied with home. I don’t know if he’ll use the other blanket or not, but it was chillier in his room and this way he will at least have it if he wants or needs it. We we got home the Cardinals blanket was still on our bed from when I had switched it out with the generic blanket I decided to take instead. So now I’m using the Cardinals blanket as a pillow to rest my head.

He’s newly 19, an official Nebraskan adult. He’s a different person now, a separate person. For my own sanity I can’t think of everything. And for my own protection, my own healing and growth. We spent the early evening and night time together. We drove around town and the five kids sang songs. We stopped by Dairy Queen. We went our separate ways until the morning. We met up in Crete and left after the meet.

Today was a busier day again. This isn’t like the badge of honor type of busy that I’m meaning. I don’t like being busy, but I do like the things that I was busy today doing, most of them. In the morning I was at my practicum site. I’ve really enjoyed the time I have spent there so far. After that I picked up the boys and swung by my in-laws house to pick up some things my mother-in-law wanted to send along to Nebraska.

I came home and took a nap before heading out for another meet. I know we don’t have to go to every event our kids are in but somehow it’s become something we try to do when we can. When we first started doing this my mother-in-law said she enjoyed the days when my sister-in-law was in sports and she misses attending and watching the games. I understand what she means. She was able to come to the meet today.

At the meet I saw a woman who is on the church board of directors with me. She asked if I was going to the meeting tonight. I had thought it was supposed to be next week. Last months meeting I completely forgot about and if it weren’t for that then I probably would not have gone tonight. I don’t like feeling like I can’t really give myself in the ways that I’d like to. I’m planning to bring my paper and homework along for the ride.