I went down looking for Casper this evening. Earlier this afternoon he’d had an incident at the lake where the boys put him on a boogie board closer to the dock and he jumped off. He was swimming in the water and I was shouting at the boys to get him because surely them jumping in when they were right there would’ve been a hundred times faster than me running to get him all the way from the canoes. They finally got him.

So he was soaking wet and I wasn’t sure if he’d swallowed any water or gotten more in his ears. He wasn’t down at main camp but I finally found him at the beach. He was napping in one of the donated boats. He stood up and jumped out of the boat and I was very happy I’d found him. So I carried him back up the beach path and brought him inside to get food. Dad was sitting on the couch so he saw me and said make sure he gets put back outside.

I just feel like he should get some special treatment after going through that. Besides that we had a good time at the lake. The campers and staff are gone now, but not before several of them helped us get things set up in the dining hall so Laura can come and start the decorating tomorrow. Elianna and I went out this evening because we still needed shoes. She’s going to borrow some. I’m just going to wear my rehearsal ones.

Today was the 75th anniversary of camp. They’ve been planning this celebration for well over a year. Josh and I were support staff during the year of the 50th anniversary and it was a big deal of people buzzing all around in the dining hall and enjoying the day. Today was similar. There was a great turnout, due in part to the fact that God blessed the day with beautiful weather and milder temperatures. We were grateful for that.

Someone recently asked me if living here has allowed me to keep the same love for camp. He was one of the support staff when Josh and I were counselors and comes each year with his wife who he met here. They bring their girls for the weekend parent camp. In my memory, people of the opposite sex who I knew from before tend to be remembered through one of two categories. Did I have a crush on them or no?

This one I did not because he was too young. And while looking at him and talking not a single thing had changed beneath the beard and extra pounds. He was still the same person, except now he is a science teacher and has been the principal of a public school system and all kinds of neat things. But in pondering his question I didn’t know how to answer at first. I ended up saying that yes, living here has allowed me to keep the love.

My answer was rushed. Thinking about it now I do not think that was fully true. I do not think or speak anymore about how much I love camp. Instead I think and speak about how I appreciate camp. I appreciate the role it has played in my life and my kids’ lives. Recently I asked my kids what the best thing about their childhood was or has been so far. All five of them listed camp as their number one best thing. I appreciated that.

When I came to work here camp was (at first) an escape from my home life. I didn’t even ask my parents’ permission. I just called the director one afternoon and told him I’d be there Wednesday. I chose camp over my family when they decided to change churches and I decided to stay Lutheran so I could keep working here. The biggest disappointment in living here has been how many people from then never came back.

This dad who I was talking to said it probably makes a difference if both parties had a connection to camp or not. I’d never thought of that before and then it made a lot more sense. When only one would’ve known camp, it’s easy to see how something would get lost in the shuffle and busyness of life and marriage. You bring things into your marriage that stay, but you also bring things in that along the way get left behind.

My son and I were at the beach from 2-4 during the auction time. He played with a camp friend and I sat on the dock with another friend and chatted about life while helping kids in and out of their boats. After that we went up to change and head down to the dining hall. It was wonderful to see so many cars and people. Josh and I went through the line to get our food and we sat and ate with another church/camp mom.

Eventually it was time for chapel where Josh was leading the church service. I sat with my nieces and three of my sons. Zorro even made an appearance up on the hill. After that was an Echelon concert which was very fun. I was so ready for bed when everything was all over but then they announced that there was still the campfire time with smores if people wanted. I heard the kids singing in the pavilion. I walked over and sat down.

And then I started singing with them. It was always hard to decide, but the best part of camp besides the being at the lake was the dancing and singing of happy worship songs during the morning indoor chapel time. My kids were all there, even the one still feeling sick. My husband was around somewhere too. And all these wonderful people singing were there, and it made no difference who we were. They were my siblings, my family.

“We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.”
~Mother Teresa, Words to Love By~

In the therapy world (this drives me nuts) we’ll say thing to people like “drop into your body”. I can’t think of anything more vague and unhelpful. But ideally what I think it’s supposed to mean is to take a moment to turn your focus toward something other than the thought tape going on in your head. Notice your chest rising. It rises and falls with the breaths I am taking. Stay there for a while. Appreciate what is happening there.

Some books will have you place your left hand on your chest and your right hand on your lower belly, either over or just below the belly button. Your hands are now ears, like a stethoscope being used to listen. To those places you can say, “What is happening here?” We really do live so disconnected from the deeper parts of us. We can wait for someone to notice while misery fills in the gaps. Or we can listen to and with our bodies.

Until it’s no longer misery filling those spaces. The mind quiets down and pays attention to something else, it can listen, it can hear, it can speak to those places. “What you’re feeling now is old”, is what my mind would say to me and does. Every time you love it fills the gap a little more. The ruts that exist with raw exposure smooth out slowly, but not before the old is seen and felt again and heard, and spoken to with healing love.

I didn’t know whose job it was going to be to do it but somebody was going to have to go get the power washer from Grandma’s garage and spray off the scum that’s been growing on the front of the house all summer. If all of these people are supposed to be driving by our house tomorrow it will at least have the decency of looking somewhat maintained. So Elianna picked it up and Dad and a few of the kids helped get that done.

It does look better now. I made two phone calls today for emotional support. The first was to my aunt who I called in the morning. The second was to my mom who I called in the afternoon. Sometimes you just feel like nobody gets it and like there is no one there to encourage you or bear you up when you need it. Or even just to be present. So I was glad they were able to be there and talk. This culture, this lonely, isolated way, it’s too much.

It’s not enough. Laura came over while I was vacuuming the ottoman. It was actually kind of funny because it was the big vacuum I was using. I sometimes like having the vacuuming cat lady mom role but I actually do like the gentle mother in law role too. She was doing well and feeling pretty good and calm about things. She’s worked so hard to make things ready I just pray that it can be a wonderful, beautiful day for them and all.

I was going to go swimming this evening but was too exhausted to make that happen. Dad and the boys went together and I went for a short walk. At this point in the countdown every day feels like a day needing to be utilized for more productivity. I called about my daughter’s dress. My mother-in-law wonderfully took the boys school shopping and bought the remaining of their everything shoes, shirts, and belt needs.

So everybody has all of their clothes now. When we were pulling away from Seward I had a moment of tearfulness thinking about all the years of organizing the kids’ clothes. Folding them and taking satisfaction in order. It was kind of like my final time doing that for him. They never did find dressers but there is a large walk-in closet to the side of the bedroom. The totes were uniform, the hangers the same color, the crates side by side.

There was room for everything which made me happy. But I haven’t really been all that emotional this time. We’ve been through that and don’t need to again. I was watching mother-son dances on YouTube in the comments a woman wrote how she didn’t want to be sentimental when her son got married. She wanted just to purely be happy for her son. That resonated for me. I can’t imagine I won’t cry at some point but that’s okay.

I’m trying not to be too terribly vocal that I’m ready for these things to move on and be over. The camp things. The wedding. I’m familiar with the myth of getting back to a normal but it will be nice to potentially have more time and space in our lives. I am practicing the art of one day at a time and there is contentment to be found in that practice. I really haven’t had that much to say all these years but these paragraphs help.

The dinner for the staff went well tonight. After supper we went around and stated our highs and lows for the summer. My high was having so many campers this year. The dining hall was packed. The athletic field was colorful. The chapel benches were full. It was just nice to see all the kids here like past years. My low was not swimming nearly as much as I would’ve liked or would normally do. I miss the lake and would swim often.

But life is busier now, in a different way than it used to be. I decided against the Classical Conversations for homeschooling and we’re just going to do the normal homeschooling we’ve done. It was his choice which I took not quite as a compliment but as a request to adjust my original thinking. I have nothing against the homeschooling, I just don’t like seeing them get bored. I wouldn’t have to order a single book this year.

The other day I emailed my boss and asked if I could have the desk job at Thrive. Today I went in and talked to him and he basically told me I could have it. He said it would basically be until the end of the year when I would switch over into seeing more clients. I have asked here and there about working there when I’m done but it’s nothing I have ever approached with any kind of certainty. It always seemed too far away to know.

It still feels that way. Like for whatever reason I can’t seem to grasp or believe this is actually real, that it isn’t going to somehow fall through in some way. But I basically just felt that I would somehow regret if I did not at least try to pursue more involvement. I imagined myself going off to Memorial and never really living up to the potential of what I could have been if I had not run away or been scared of being bored for a time.

So anyway I’m supposed to start training next week. If this actually happens I’d be working there part-time for three days a week which would replace some of the time I was going for group. I still like group but could help with that later. I definitely have had plenty of time to adjust to the change of being more outside of the home. I don’t even like to use the word work because that doesn’t feel like the right word in these cases.

It was another busy day of wedding prep. My mom came up in the morning and we set ourselves to getting things done. The primary task I was wanting her help with was figuring out the flower arrangements for the entryway to the dining hall. I had already gone to Hobby Lobby and picked out most of the flowers and greens. It ended up being more involved than expected but that’s how a lot of projects go from what I’ve known.

But they look nice and we were happy with how they turned out. We went into town for some miscellaneous shopping tasks that were still on my list and checked off a few more boxes. Ethan’s tie, the ring-bearer clothes for my sister, and some clearance flowers for the rehearsal brunch decorations. Josh had thrown out the idea of having a Hawaiian theme. I wouldn’t have thought of that but I decided just to go with it.

It was one of those mental marriage things where I was like, “You know…he had this idea and offered it up and maybe you should just honor that and go with his idea.” I could hear the reel of years of comments inside my head, particularly, “You never like what I pick out for you” or “I gave you my opinion and you didn’t like it”. I don’t know. Stuff like that. So I wanted him to be happy and feel loved that I’d gone with his idea.

To my amusement I don’t think it was that big of a deal to him. But in the meantime I’ve owned the Hawaiian theme and it kind of takes the pressure off for it to be anything more formal. I found these smaller beach balls in Hobby Lobby that I’m very excited about because I think they’re fun and different. They add a lot of color and then the kids can use them when they go down to the lake. Elianna and I both have our dresses now.

So that’s all good. Miles’s dad came in the evening to check out the power outlets and scope out the environment. He’s going to bring the rest of the sound equipment for the special music during the service and also be in charge of running it and setting it up. Josh, the boys, and I brought the electric piano down in Papa’s truck. Miles dad tested out the different locations and the piano could easily be heard from the top of the hill.

This morning we went to church in Auburn. The kids were giving a presentation on their youth gathering experience. During the time we were in Nebraska the air conditioning went out in the Auburn sanctuary. They have an all-purpose room where they moved all their folding chairs and set up an altar area. Yesterday was kind of a blur of not doing a whole lot. Dad, the boys, and I went swimming yesterday evening which was nice.

My supervisor evaluation (finally) came in my Tevera box and after that I spent at least an hour googling everything I could about the word “flighty”. I’ve been so intensely focused on behaving and being a good girl that it hadn’t really occurred to me that there are other ways you can ruin a relationship. I would still like to ask about this scheduling and billing job, and I almost did tonight, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We’re winding down with camp for the summer. Tonight the last pack of campers came through for the mini-week registration time. Instead of everyone going out to eat like we usually do when camp ends we made plans instead to have Red Robin brought in and this year the camp is going to pay for it. The camp season flew like it always does.

We are back from Nebraska. Yesterday we carpooled with Laura’s parents and arrived a little after 5PM. The landlady came right out and met us with the keys and showed us around. They have a really nice apartment in a newer part of town. Ethan will have about 4-5 minute bike ride to get to school. A couple we know who now lives in Seward are only a half block away. The complex is located right next to the water tower.

We left around noon to head back home. While we were gone the kids went to Grandma’s to water her flowers. She is currently out of town traveling for a family funeral. The kids are old enough that I did not feel too anxious about leaving them home. I’m still trying to keep tabs on how a child is doing and feeling and sometimes I get a little nervous about what the dog’s going to do. They did well while we were gone.

It feels good to check this box off so we can move on to other things. People don’t seem to understand the significance of me actually making a list. It has to sound ridiculous to be proud about it but it’s actually a great accomplishment for me. I know it I don’t need anyone to affirm that. I still need to find a dress and the decorations for the rehearsal dinner. It’s a lot to plan a wedding/be married but if you’re teachable you can do it.

Today was a busy day of preparation. At noon we picked up the U-haul truck for our trip to Nebraska tomorrow. The boys are staying behind so it’ll just be me and Josh in the truck. The bigger kids are on their way home from the youth gathering and are supposed to arrive back around 1 in the morning. Laura’s dad has been driving all day today with the gathering kids and then will get up tomorrow and drive to Nebraska.

Ethan and I spent a significant amount of time together. He has the rest of the week off and spent today at home going through his room and sorting through the rest of his stuff. He asked if there was a limit on what he could keep here and I said there was none. Any clothes he wanted to keep I said he had to take with him. There is quite the pile in the schoolroom of stuff he felt he could part with and did not need anymore.

We went and got his haircut also. There is a woman from group who is cutting hair now and I felt like she should be the one to do the job. We stopped by Jimmy Johns for lunch and later we drove to Havana to pick up the television and tv stand from another camp friend. One the way I heard about the plans for the bachelor party. They plan to hang out at camp and then the best man and his brother are going to grill for everyone.

Eleven of his track and cross country teammates are coming to the wedding and will be at the bachelor party too. They will eat and then go down to the lake to swim. After that they will hike to high point and spend the night there in tents. He said they planned to have like an outdoor chapel service where they also had the guitar and song books. I asked about his younger brothers, if they would be invited to go He said they would.

Then he asked about him and the groomsmen getting ready at our house. I said I hadn’t planned on that but we could make it work. My sister and her family will be staying in the basement over the weekend. I said they could use the upstairs to get ready. As soon as we were back from there Dad and Ethan loaded up the rest of the stuff and left to drive to Auburn to fill the van and the back of the traverse with Laura’s belongings.