“You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through.”
~Soren Kierkegaard~

Laura came over and we worked on some wedding things. She’s helping out with day camp on Mondays so when the kids go home Ethan usually gets his break and the two come up to sit on the couch for a while. It’s the time in the summer when staff tensions are high and people are physically and mentally more worn down. When you have that much effort that is being put out you need to have something that is also coming in.

After Ethan left we talked about furniture for their apartment. They have a loveseat from my mother-in-law’s cousin and she also volunteered to give them money for a bed. That’s all they have and I say this laughing. But when I ask her she doesn’t seem all that worried about it so I am wondering if it’s just one of those things they can figure out when they get there. We’ve looked around a little for a table/chair set and dressers.

I love Laura. It is not the same as a child where you share the joined history but there is a real love where you want what is best for them and work will toward that end. When you are living in community there needs to be an avenue for airing our grievances. It was my opinion that it would be helpful to sit everyone down in group format. Part of leading others is keeping them fueled and inspired and valued enough to be listened to.

I recently started reading this book called Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day-by-Day by Peter Scazzero. It is a 40-day devotional that aims to cultivate the discipline of stopping multiple times a day to take the time to be with God. He says it is based on an ancient practice called the Daily Office. I thought it was neat to read that the word office is related to the Latin word “opus” which means work. Being with God is our first work.

But before we even turned to him God was already there, thus loving us first. When I read that we love because God first loved us, I too have thought only in terms of a one-time action when Jesus laid down his life. This being loved first was not on the cross only, but happens each and every day whether we are aware of it or not. But how much greater when we are aware, with his day to day gifts of “There you are!”, when we stop.

It was a good weekend at work. Sometimes I can’t believe that I ended up with this weekend position on the easiest wing. It’d been nearly a year since I worked on the summer wing but I did a four hour 3-7 shift last week in order to cover for a woman who needed off for something with her daughter. You have to put the favors into the pool so that when you need off for something there are people who will help you.

It’d been one of my goals to be regularly covering on all three wings but I am actually very content where I am and do not necessarily feel the need to expand my skills. It happens naturally here and there as things come up, such as having to remove insulin from the stat safe and not only find the key and codes, but also make sure that it was the right kind of several insulins. You check and double check these types of things.

And even then check again. I still would not work the later portion of the summer shift. But this ended up working out because the woman who came on after me was able to cover for me for a few hours this weekend. I’ve been wanting to train with the main evening/night REACH nurse but there hasn’t been space in either my brain or my schedule to find the time or learn new things. That’s what it feels like to me at least.

I went to a homeschool co-op meeting and sat on a very uncomfortable bench for two hours. I told everybody that if we’re homeschooling this year then we’re doing Classical Conversations. The curriculum is good and includes at least one day a week of community involvement. But again as I sat there, I was unsure, as wonderful as all the people seemed. I was thinking I could volunteer my Tuesdays to help with child care.

But I am still going to have school next semester. I love the homeschooling, it’s such a passion of mine, and when I think that something is better I tend to go with the better option. It’s hard to justify paying money for the co-op option when I know I can do just as good of job for much lower. We can study cartography and read our novels, research the mammals and draw the pictures and do a better math program all on our own.

The math and Latin would be the hardest “strands”, and I’d be insistent to supplement with actual pre-Algebra so that they’re ready for the kind of math they’ll see in the upper grades and tests. But now these people have been really nice to me and this would be the second time I’ve turned them down after inquiring, meeting people, and attending meetings. I haven’t officially said no but those were just my initial thoughts.

Today I had the thought
to fix my eyes
on the wounds of Christ

To see them
look at them
and imagine them

as mine melt away.

I went to group again this morning. The woman I’ve started seeing was there, along with a woman whose been around since when I started. They form friendships at group and make plans to hang out with each other in their normal life time. One of the women was having a cookout at her house for the 4th and she’d invited the new woman plus another one of the regular group attenders to come over for an alcohol-less supper.

It’s sweet how they support each other. I told them both how I enjoyed and appreciated seeing them interact, particularly the way they made their plans and how they were working to be considering of each other as they figured each other out. There is that part of me that feels some fear with this relationship I have started with this new woman. Like perhaps it won’t work out with her or we don’t end up being a good fit.

But for now it’s going well. I’ve been quieter in group this week and prayed on the way there that I might be able to say something helpful or encouraging. After group I went upstairs and when he asked me, “So how was group?”, the lump that had been growing in my throat got even bigger until somehow I was crying in his office on the couch. He asked his standard question of, “What is coming up?” I told him it was these people.

And the struggles are going through. It wasn’t a lie but none of it felt like that was truly the thing exactly. He asked again if I had a therapist and I said not at the moment. He said if you don’t heal whatever it was that brought you here, then I’m not going to be able to help people because they’re going to keep bringing up my stuff (something like that). I said I had healed it and he brought up that I was having a very strong reaction.

Then it came to me what exactly it was. It was because I didn’t have what they had, the place to heal in community. That the suffering itself was long and isolated and the healing of that suffering was long and isolated. I only said the community part. Somehow all of this turned into me telling him about Jesus. Something he said in group made me think of it and say that Jesus was God who came to the earth in human form.

It was all so basic and elementary. How Jesus came to reconcile us to God and restore us to wholeness. That him dying on the cross was to pay the punishment of our sins, to take the punishment that we deserved but did not make us pay. There are sayings in the world like Christianity is about avoiding hell, but recovery is about being brought out of hell. He kept saying it sounds good in theory but what is the lived experience?

During the evening the staff was having a 4th of July party. Laura’s parents were there and another set of parents was there. Our friends who are divorced were there but one had to leave because it was eventually too much. Some of the staff had brought fireworks and they put on a show while the counselors and older adults sat on the hill.

Today was a super fun day at the beach. The high school kids had an afternoon beach day where all their activities were beach related. One of the campers had a birthday and his mom had come in the morning to decorate the dining hall. She came out later for the afternoon and to stay here into the evening. We used to be closer but we are still friends. Our plan was to spend time together while she was here for the afternoon.

So that’s what we did. After paddle boarding and playing in the swim area for a while we decided to swim the length of the lake. Laura was also there hanging out so we asked if she wanted to come with us and she did. We were only going to swim halfway but then (name) wanted to go farther to the end of the lake so she could say that she’d done it.

For supper they had a cookout around the fire. This was all still down at the beach where kids were playing volleyball and sitting in the sand. At one point I looked around and saw each of my kids in different places. I thought it was neat that we were all together and I felt that feeling of being whole and at peace and glad when you know they are there all around you and safe. It was a good time of fellowship, camp food, and old friends.

For whatever reason I’ve been struggling more mentally. When I get like this it can seem like there’s no way out, like nothing I’ve done has worked, etc, etc. They say you’re supposed to reach out, ask for what you need, do not isolate, etc, etc. I tried my sisters. I tried my husband. I tried my daughter and that was it. So then I tried my mom because she knows when I’m calling her it’s because I’m down and actually do need some help.

So I told her my woes and she confirmed that this wasn’t discontentment, that the need and desire for change is part of life and growth. As I’ve been coming into my therapy self I’m discovering my belief that it’s good to have both long-term and short-term goals. You need the results in the moment to keep you motivated, and you need the space in the long run to open things up for change and deeper healing and functioning.

She ordered me a little machine for area rugs and upholstery. And then she gave me some inspiration on how to rearrange my current entryway space so that the milk crates are in the bottom for shoes, and that the bench from Grandma’s entryway, the bench that nobody could currently sit on can go somewhere else to be used. We had our 45 minutes of cleaning, to happen mostly daily til things are back to a better place.

This morning I had three client sessions at Thrive. It was my first time doing three in a row and I can say it flew by. It took me 45 minutes after that to do the charting which I imagine is something that would eventually get faster. I feel like I rushed through it and didn’t do as thorough of a job as I could have. There is that part of me that is still in the mindset of I am only a student so it gives me an excuse to not have to be as thorough.

My phone started acting weird while I was there. Somebody texted me and when I went to click and read it the text disappeared. My normal apps would not work. I wondered if there were spirits in the building trying to mess with my phone. During this past time at group there was discussion about ghosts and seances. I sat quietly and listened, amazed that there are people out there who do and intentionally seek these things out.

It was a little troubling to me. I have not been shy about openly identifying as a Christian and speaking about beliefs and practices and including God who directs my life. It does not come up in group. It has come up in supervision and one time with a group client who had met with me for a video. I am under no delusions that it’s my job to reach these people but I do sometimes wish they’d be just as open to the work of God.

Laura’s shower went well. She wanted to keep it smaller so she kept it to family and closer friends. My parents made it up and I was happy to see them. My dad has never liked to be too long without mom and even more so now in these feeble weeks while he’s recovering. He looked good though. Laura’s mom is still recovering and is in that feeble stage as well. She’s getting out more now and is glad she had the surgery done.

There’s a family from our church that I overlooked with invitations. I was telling Ethan about it, asking where they were at with the RSVP’s. If they were going to have room I’d try to invite them but he’s taken on the job of keeping the guest list to no more people. As it stands the dining hall is mostly at capacity and Laura’s already added the summer’s new senior counselors. I did find out that we are doing a mother son dance.

So I picked the song for that and told Laura. We were talking during the mint making that it was kind of a joke that she and Ethan have never danced. The night they went to her senior prom together he never asked her. I had thought about reminding him to make sure he asks her to dance since her mom had told me how excited she was for this prom. I just figured he would know that this was a dance and that he would ask her.

But apparently it was still one of the best nights of her life and they had a great time just talking the entire night. One of the games at the shower is we had to outline and order their love story on note cards. Every guest received a card with a milestone or a picture. Most of us there knew enough of the answers including that the first kiss happened on the engagement night. The day I first heard that I was completely floored.

And my whole view changed. It was one of those times where I had never been more wrong, and in that moment had never been more amazed. “See???”, my daughter said. Even with discords she knew her brother, and yes we know there are good things. “Not everyone is like you, Mom”, and instead of a dig it’s like a banner of hope. I will take it, gladly, because it means it wasn’t a waste. We gave them the template of how not to be.

Ethan decided to bike 100 miles for whatever reason. I’d given him some time to sleep in and then texted him asking what he was up to today. I was thinking he’d have some time to stop by and hang out with us while everybody was still here. He replied back saying he was in the middle of a pit stop at Laura’s while he was biking 100 miles. My reaction was more of a “Oh. Ok”, like you do you and I’ll just keep doing me over here.

I didn’t actually type that. I didn’t type anything back until a few hours later when we were down at the beach and I told him to let us know when he was back. Later I heard all about it that he had biked out to Auburn, picked up Laura to bike some more with her, and then eventually finished by biking back to camp on the new bike that Laura’s dad had gotten him for his birthday. He made three half hour pit stops at Laura’s.

So I was happy about that. Part of me was operating more experienced in letting go, boys will be boys and all of that. Then there was the part of me that was minorly hurt that he didn’t tell me, that his dad knew about it and my brother knew about it but I had gone to bed at 9 and missed the entire conversation. Combine that with another one resisting my input regarding a health issue and that was enough to turn my composure.

I eventually made lunch and we all went down to the water. They say hospitality isn’t about things being perfect but how you make people feel. But when you’re hosting people who you know have high standards it’s easy to get inside your head and feel self-conscious about not measuring up. So once you’re in that mode you’re not making people feel welcome because you’re too wrapped up in thinking about what is not.

Does a person ever outgrow this? You feel like you can know the answers and have the advice but it still doesn’t seem to matter when you’re pouring out from an emptier cup. But whose fault was it that your cup was empty? And where do I get such an inconvenient, powerful appetite? It’s not these people’s place to feed my hungers and the more I see that the less I want them and the more I can say, “Of course it wasn’t”.

This morning I had group from 9-12. I didn’t know what to expect for the day and was surprised to see a new woman I hadn’t seen before. A few times here and there, mostly when I am talking to people at work, I have recommended the Thrive group to people. I feel like I’ve had an energy shift there where I’m kind of just over overthinking it and instead am going ahead and being myself even more.

I do have it lined up to go back to Memorial, whenever the paperwork processes through. It potentially could take until the end of the summer term, which in that case I would still be glad because then it could still be all ready for the fall. The new woman who came today is now one of my clients. She’s unemployed and has no insurance. He told her she could come and do therapy for no charge.

So I appreciated that. I don’t know how I’m ever going to make money off this because I just can’t seem to bear the thought of charging people to help them. But it was nice to get a new client and to see his confidence in pairing us. It feels like I’m hardly putting in any hours but I’m still somehow pretty close to on track. I’ve wondered, “Would I do it this slow way again?” I have no answer, I do not know.

The week was long with many camp things. My sister is back in town with some nieces along with my cousin’s wife and her daughter. My brother and other sister are visiting as well and another sister comes down tomorrow for Laura’s shower on Sunday. The days keep ticking by. Later this afternoon we went down to the lake and swam just in time for a mild thunderstorm. They all swam in the rain.

And I think they had fun. My dad had a brief return to the hospital when he broke out in a rash and they didn’t know why. They admitted him to rule out any surgery related infections or causes. His heart function was great and the blood cultures clear. For supper we had hamburgers, french fries, and watermelon. I’m pretty spent for the day but it was a nice and full one. It’s good to have them.