Last night I drove to Lincoln to sit in the parking lot of my old school. I’d originally planned to go to Williamsville to stop at the Subway for something other than camp food. But once I was that far I was close enough to the exit only 14ish miles further and decided to go to the Jimmy Johns I’d sometimes go to if I had enough time before class.

The name of our building was Restoration Hall. I remember seeing that name and feeling like it was a sign from God to me, assuring me this would be a healing place to come back from the damage that had accrued in my life. I ate my sandwich and called my aunt and told her it’d been four months since grandma had died. She’d forgotten.

That day, but had remembered earlier this week. I remember mostly when I cannot call her. So I sat outside of Restoration Hall in my van and heard about Tim who’d found another friend and was seeing her now. Before that Tim had called my aunt daily for months, surprised her with a visit, and endured being just friends with her for a while.

But eventually that was not what he was ultimately looking for. So that was kind of a bummer but it’s the way that it goes. It was nice while it lasted and fun to hear her old stories. After that I drove home where the evening activity was hayrack rides for the campers. I waved to Dad and one of the boys as I drove by. The others were outside.

I went in to hang out with the nurse who was still upset from the morning med pass. She was setting up the men’s pills to be ready the next morning so I started on setting up for the women. Ethan asked if I could give him his camper’s meds first and I said yes. After bedtime meds were done and morning ones too, I walked home and went to sleep.

Stuffing your feelings isn’t healthy for people. Last week in group this girl started crying and when she did I wanted to cry too. I would have but stopped it, or stuffed it rather, and it hurt to do so. I’ve been trying to better about when I’m feeling hurt about something that doesn’t have to be something to take a deep breath and blow out the energy instead of absorbing it. You can speak it to yourself (I’m mad, etc) and let it go.

It was mostly an internship day. I met with Jane’s client for the scheduled hour and then drove around with Jane while she explained to me more about why she was leaving. I don’t have enough experience in the outside/professional world to know if there really are such things as toxic environments or if life is just a mixture of hard things and better things. I brought it up in class in the afternoon asked what others thought.

As in, was there anyone who was just having an awesome clinical experience? Everyone kind of smirked and chuckled. But it led to a good discussion and I did somehow feel better. I told them how I was kind of bored at my site and how at this point I feel the ball should be rolling faster. After Jane dropped me off I sat downstairs and kept myself busy for an hour and a half waiting for the desk girl to get there at noon like planned.

At 12:25 I just left and went home. I took a nap which I definitely needed. I felt this freedom in driving away, even though I’d just told him in the morning that I would be there until 2:30 and work with the desk girl till it was time to go to class. Then I would come from class back for the evening group. I’ve been to the evening group once before because there have always been conflicts with track/cross country meets and Contact.

I talked with a student about picking up a secondary site at Gateway. It’s the substance abuse rehab place where I had originally tried to go for my practicum with Lincoln. I was going to do outpatient groups until school asked me to go somewhere else because another student was having problems getting proper supervision. I know I tend to get this way every so often. Group supposedly has two new people so we’ll see how it goes.

“…Blessed is the one who stays awake, keeping his garments on, that he may not go about naked and be seen exposed!”
~Revelation 17:15~

Zorro experienced a setback with his nail-trimming routine. Something happened at the vet where now he won’t let her trim his nails. We saw a German Shepherd in Petco who was three years old and more full size. Zorro to me seems big already, but this dog was even longer, fuller, and taller. When my sister was here with her dog I couldn’t believe the difference in size. Her dog to me always seemed big but does not anymore.

After work I stopped over by the CGC where the handicampers are staying for their camp week. The nurse was still up but did not want help with the meds. I did not insist because I was tired, though I don’t imagine I was any more tired than she was. A few of the staff were still awake trying to figure out a bluetooth CPAP machine. They eventually just had to let it go and made sure he had pillows to prop up his head.

Ethan was gone for a wedding for one of his teammates in Nebraska. He left on Saturday morning and picked up a friend in DesMoines. From there they drove to the wedding. I have no idea where they stayed but he was back for camp by 4PM. One of the other boys was still up in the CGC trying to not distract his camper from falling asleep. Just sleep on the couch, I told him, you’re already sick and need your rest.

I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. The fact is that I can love learning and think it’s fulfilling and great and interesting for me, but not so much when it involves the common frustrations of vocation and calling. Part of life is moving through the down times too while remaining grounded and keeping the overall picture in mind. For whatever reason right now, this is the place where I am supposed to be learning.

“It doesn’t have to make sense”. This was a phrase from The Eternal Song, and a breakout session we watched about healing practices and wisdom from Indigenous cultures. I do think we tend to spend too much time in modern talk therapy trying to get to the bottom of our things and make sense of them. One of the most helpful things at times for a person is to hear another person say “that makes sense”.

But no one really likes the parts that we often struggle to make sense of. Eventually “it doesn’t have to make sense” can be a sweet relief from the overthinking. We let go, we feel a freedom, or as the video described, we wear our butterfly wings. God’s path is never the path that is free from pain, frustration, or trial. It doesn’t have to make sense, and sometimes it doesn’t, but other times you’re just crying along on the road and it completely does.

The aunts, uncles, and cousins went back home in the afternoon. I feel like we had a good time together and the only thing that would’ve made it better is more time on the water (my perspective) and a more intentional multi-generational activity (sister’s perspective). The weather did not allow for a strong enough internal invitation to come to the water to cool off and enjoy the sparkling ripples and waving trees.

And everyone was just content to be in the same general space that there was no pressing boredom to relieve. There still was a baby and toddler to watch, which I can remember, is a full-time job in itself and uses the majority of your mental and physical energy. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to give birth and was in the hospital wondering why it was taking so long. I woke up with all the pressures.

I left in the morning to go to group for the first time since leaving for break. I was running about five minutes late and almost texted Jane to let her know I was on my way and I’d be there. I walked in and Jane wasn’t there and the supervisor was messing with the video pulling up the section he was going to show. On Monday Jane and I had talked and were excited to come back. By Friday she’d decided she wasn’t coming back.

At least for the summer because she’s needing to take some time off to focus on her health. She had Lyme disease at some point in her life and it’s resulted in a host of neurological problems that are exacerbated by stress which she had a lot of last semester. There was one other person for group and the two of them went back and forth with ease and I inserted my two cents where I could about mothering things.

I was frustrated for much of the time, mad and disappointed that I was not around more people. I want to use my gifts, I want to channel this energy, and make something and not be underutilized or under-stimulated. I’ve got enough of my individual hours, I could go back to Memorial where at least I’d have the satisfaction of an environment buzzing with people. You can’t go as deep with them and don’t have them as long.

I thought about the Bible studies, the homeschooling, how I’ve had these various outlets at different seasons in my life. They served as something I could pour into, where I found my bliss and truest self, the part of me who is confident and in love and knows exactly what I’m doing with it flowing straight from my inner heart and soul. Jane’s client is going to transition to me and I’m supposed to meet with her Tuesday.

I did not say anything about being the secretary. Instead of processing group I had to spent the time catching up with my charting to get the diagnosis dates matched up with the visit notes. This way the client appointments can actually be charged which hasn’t been happening since April when I started meeting with them. Normally insurance would flag this for an audit but interns don’t use insurance, only a self-pay rate of $40.

Another day has gone by and almost now another week. It’s been good having my family here with last night adding my other sister, her husband, and kids. The dining hall has been feeding us all though I’m mindful in times like this not to wear out my welcome. This week we have over 100 kids with day camp which is a much higher number than the cooks are used to working with. It’s how it used to be here.

I had an appointment again at Thrive so I’m back to counting my hours. I need to average 10 a week between now and the end the fall semester. It’s actually not even that many. I walked in on Monday to the desk girl telling another employee that she’d just put in her three week notice. It wasn’t making sense for her anymore. I’m thinking about asking if I can take her spot and saying I’d do it for 25 dollars an hour.

It’s a little high but I think it’s worth it. I’m starting to feel somewhat sad about the wedding because it feels like such a big thing to accomplish in such a small amount of time. We still need to secure the rehearsal brunch catering. I should probably find a way to make the tables and atmosphere look nice. I just want it to be nice for everyone and for their lives to go well. We went to the beach but didn’t get since it was cold.

Beck you’ve probably never been in a frat house?

I haven’t but according to my brother that’s apparently what our downstairs bathroom looked like. I didn’t get to cleaning it before they came over and halfway through the week when we were in town I wanted to stop by Target and get some cleaning supplies to clean the bathrooms. I hadn’t even been down there, but he picked me out some toilet bowl cleaner and comet tub powder. I picked out a new liner and shower curtain.

It still had the Christmas one up from a couple of years ago, maybe only two now, I don’t know. I know I cleaned the tub at some point because it still had my tub powder that Miles mom had given to me. But either way, we spent the afternoon cleaning the bathroom and boy did it need it. This used to be one of the cleaning spots that one of the kids had every week which worked for a while but things just get let go sometimes.

So it looks so much better now. I was just so happy that he helped me clean it. It’s what I want the whole house to look like but you have to take things in seasons. Before that we’d gone out to breakfast and after that I made them supper. It rained most of the day so the camp kids did some of their activities outside. I felt so motivated from cleaning that I cleaned the mudroom floor but after that I thought that was enough for today.

We had our first day of internship class today. I was ready to go back and I like my new group. Alexis is in there along with other people I’ve met from the program. Two of the people were supposed to have graduated but failed a test or a presentation. Another one had worked to get things done to graduate early but the school changed that policy in the middle of things for him so now he has to wait until the spring for graduation.

One of the guys in there is all about honesty and vulnerability with his feedback. We had to set “class expectations” where we all discuss and come up with a plan for what the group rules for our class and interactions. I like it because it feels like negotiation within a relationship where you know what your needs are and your wants are and are able to express them ahead of time. It’s just the ways you adapt and learn to do things.

He likes to be the “black hat” and be the constructive criticism giver. Last time I was with him he told me I could have more confidence. I’m kind of tired of hearing that now so I’m going to try to be better with my sessions and figure out what that means. I really enjoyed the one I had on Monday and felt like it was a successful session and most of all a helpful one. When it was done it felt as though I hadn’t spent any energy at all.

Like nothing had left me. Today though I was completely exhausted and ended up taking three different naps. I think that had more to do with the walking, rebounding, and paddle boarding with my sister and brother. So that was probably too much but it still was fun and felt good. Today they took a day trip down to see my parents. My dad is recovering and doing physical therapy and mom is taking care of him and the garden.

They came back tonight and we went to chapel. There was a storm blowing but it was only the wind. You couldn’t hear the girl giving the devotion. I thought it so strange how your job as mom becomes obsolete. They no longer need you. I know we have different jobs as things change but it was truly an odd realization. I saw the backs of their heads and some were still sitting next to me but it was okay not to walk them home.

I haven’t had much to say as of late. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and those two things tend to slow down the words. My soul isn’t tired but stops to wait on the others.

We have visitors again this week. A few weeks ago I sent out a message to the sisters I knew where coming and asked if anyone could spare some time or energy to help me with a cleaning project. They were to do but when the time comes for them to be here it’s like I know they are tired and have things happening too. Someday it will be cleaner.

I have relief from the basement revamp because the girls aren’t going to use it as a bridal suite anymore. I did start writing my book(let) for Ethan so that was a positive.

I threw away my chakra book that I bought at Gypsy Soul last Thursday. This is the second time in recent years that I’ve bought a book like this and pitched it. Something about it makes me doubt or gives me a feeling that I shouldn’t be reading it, or am starting to give too much clout to Eastern philosophies.

The chakras are known as energy wheels that reside in ascending parts of the body. I like them because they provide a memorable, colorful, and easy-to-understand framework of the various internal levels of self-belief, as in, beliefs about the self. I’ve described it before like a map for the psyche, albeit a very basic one.

True enlightenment will manifest in physical change. Enlightenment is embodied and will not remain in your head or “up there” in the clouds of the collective unconscious. This is why Christianity is the perfect religion. We have spiritual unity with a physical being and as so we become like God, whole and divine.