I’ve been telling the kids for years that we’re going to have a small Christmas but then I never go through with it. This is the year I think it finally needs to happen. The other day I looked up my student loan account after not paying any more attention to it since two years ago when I first took them out. It didn’t have me scheduled for any repayment until 2031. In the past two years there has been nearly $3,000 in interest accumulation.

So that was disheartening. I’m definitely ready to be making money at this point. Before that can happen my degree has to post and then all that information has to be sent in to the licensure board so I can be issued a license. The whole process takes anywhere from 6-12 weeks. I feel like Thomas after Jesus’ resurrection. It’s like until I see all my grades on the screen and pass the last grading day I will not believe this is actually over.

Josh’s mom and sister and family will be on a cruise over Christmas. I told the kids there are several ways we could do this. Instead of buying tons of presents, I could focus on having a few really great meals. We could go see the David movie as an experience gift. It’s not like they wouldn’t have any presents at all, it just would not be the focus.

I’ve been thoroughly spoiled for my birthday over the past several days. Wednesday evening after church there were five presents on the floor. Two of them were different kinds of socks, a set of long ones and short ones. Another was a long white scarf. Another was a set of white mittens. The last one was a white snow hat.

So I was happy with all of those. I’d also said (before this) that all I really wanted for our basement to smell good and for our house not to smell. So yesterday when I came home from my CPR certification class, the house smelled like apples and cinnamon that were simmering on the stove. This is something my mom used to do.

And then in the evening the boys went downstairs and sprinkled some sort of baking soda mixture all around the basement. They had picked up all the legos and all the things on Ethan’s floor that I haven’t yet had the inspiration to deal with. Dad came home from an elder’s meeting and told the boys to vacuum up the powder.

So then I was supposed to go downstairs to smell it. I was finding all of this very amusing and sweet. I have thought at times that I might have to accept that new carpet might be one of those things that never happens in this lifetime, and could I be okay with that? In my mind the carpet would be the last thing the house needs.

Tonight we all went to Cancun, the little Mexican place in town. After that we drove over to watch the light show. I haven’t really gotten into the Christmas spirit much yet but this little drive helped. It at least got me thinking about it. For school today I did an online final and finished the required sexual harassment training video.

It was nice to have some blue skies and sunshine today. The day began early with some frequently interrupted sleep. We were together in the middle of the night for a while and then I ended up moving to the guest room thinking maybe that would help. I let the cat stay in there which as a mistake since I know she scratches at the mirror in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. So I eventually put her out in the halllway.

And within another round of dreams and drifting back off to sleep I awoke to the sound of the same cat fighting in the hallway with another. By this point I had reached irritation levels and I was grateful that this remains more or less now a foreign and unfrequently visited state. I fell back asleep and was soon awake again at the sound of boys taking their showers. The pipes in our walls are loud in the mornings.

So I was up after that but made up for it later. The afternoon was spent catching up on the naps I had missed in the night. There was one in the early afternoon and when I woke up I knew it had not been enough. Dad left for chapel and came back with me progressing from a second nap. The boys came home from school and I eventually came out to work on the pizza crusts. Before that we took a wintery walk outside in the paths.

The desk girl at Thrive is quitting at the end of the semester. She’s starting another job that will give her more experience related to nursing. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I asked him nothing more about it. We’re supposed to be switching software systems in January to a simpler one that is completely web based. I have my own login and password there. I have my own email there. I have my own key to the building.

So why this isn’t just a complete no-brainer in terms of decision making I really don’t know. I came home from being there and went straight to my bed and cried. Josh came in and asked what was wrong. I started to say something like being frustrated that I can’t just make up my mind, that I can’t just know what I’m doing. But there was something deeper that came out instead. I said it’s because I am losing my freedom.

And boy did the gut feel it then with wrenching sobs. Transitions are hard, he said. They are, I said back. In supervision I’d asked if there were any new students starting up next semester. He said there maybe was one, but that he was also really thinking not to have students anymore. It is a lot of time, unpaid, and we can be awfully needy at times. Those were my words not his. I stopped short of telling him he was a good teacher.

I saw an Instagram post from an older mom with a newborn. She was talking about how sad it made her that her son would never remember her falling in love with him every night. I totally get it. It doesn’t make me sad anymore to think of how these times we had are not remembered. Anymore I just feel like those nights were my special gift from God in heaven. He was there with me too filling me with so much love.

I wonder sometimes if it would make the dads jealous. It’s not like we don’t love them. It’s just not the same overpowering physiological drive. To be close. To kiss constantly. To feel like this person is the light of your world.

Well anyway I don’t have to worry about that. I was finishing my grid this afternoon and reviewing my power point slides from April. Thank the Lord I had done that. I had a slide in there, in one of the self-in-process sections, about grieving my past seasons of life, particularly in relation to being a mom. It had a nice little picture of nature, but it no longer felt relevant so I deleted it. I replaced it with a simple summary.

I’ve got one more major project before I can finally rest easy. In what can only be attributed to a divine provision of mental clarity, I finished the final big assignment for one class, found a regular but “me” video clip that I felt comfortable using, and got to work on cranking out what needs to be done still for my grid. I’m supposed to understand my theory much better by now and I can honestly say that I feel like I do.

So that will feel good to have all of that behind me. Class tonight was cancelled because of the weather. I think that might be five or six times this semester we haven’t had class. I cannot thank Alexis enough for being highly influential in me not taking the trauma class. I just want to get up there, finish my talk, and be done.

I don’t even know what I’ll think about from now on. There are aches and pains I need to attend to. A weight that is ten pounds away from my highest first pregnancy weight. A degree that I need to figure out what to do with. But that will all come with time should the good Lord allow it. People are created to exist in connection. He gives us relationships where we are able to develop, grow, and be true to our fullest selves.

One of the boys came and told me that he desperately needed something to eat. It was lunchtime and he hadn’t eaten very much for breakfast. So once everything was loaded up and unpacked I heated up some leftover from the soup we had Thursday, adding some of the leftover mashed potatoes to make it heartier for him, and we ate lunch all together in the living room. Zorro was there too on his blanket by the sliding door.

Dad had some good ideas on what to do for Advent this year. He had the idea to have screen free evenings in the basement by the fire. We can play board games, or read, or do some readings down there. I asked if this meant I couldn’t blog in the evening and he said we could maybe make some timed exceptions. He said too we could spent time cleaning and getting it ready for the kids to be down there during Christmastime.

I liked all of these ideas. I’m seeing Christmas things around and am nowhere even near there yet. I said to Christmas, “You know, you are going to have to wait. I am not going to jump right into you.” Not because I’m some kind of Advent purist but because it doesn’t feel time yet. It has to feel right before you take out the boxes. This year has truly gone by so fast it hardly seems time for December to be here but the sky is still turning.

I forgot to mentioned that Zorro got lost in the woods for about 15-20 minutes. We had taken a group for a camp walk to get out of the building and into the fresh air. He was running and trotting along living his best life when he ran away at some point. He’s done this before where he sees a deer and darts off. He’d never been away for that long and after we’d looked over at least the main areas, he came up the blind man’s trail.

Josh was there and we were on the phone trying to figure out what to do. So that was a huge relief. It was a good thing we took advantage of the warmer weather because we woke up in the morning to several inches of snow. We took our family photos at 1 and had our Thanksgiving meal meal around 2PM. Thankfully my sister regained some of her bandwidth and was able to emcee the ping pong ball tournament and talent show.

I’m mixing up my times, but I think it was in-between those two things when my brother had the idea of making a giant snowman with the kids. He’s experienced with making giant snowmen. So they were outside for several hours and build an enormous snowman using five gallon buckets to make bricks. Everyone participated and did their part. It delayed the talent show for several hours but the kids will remember this.

It’s been nice to have some sunshine over the past day or two. From what I heard, people were up until anywhere between 1 and 3AM. Josh came to bed around 1 and I woke up enough to ask, “Are the boys in bed?”, to which he answered “yes”. We woke up again to the alarm that was set so we could get egg bakes in to give them enough time to heat through. I feel like freezing food takes some of the flavor out of it.

The rest of the day was a nice mixture of everybody doing their own thing. The sister who normally provides the structure for the activities and serves as the voice of direction for everybody communicated that she did not have the bandwidth to do that or think about that this year. So I think a few people are noticing and missing that but we are making it work. We’ve all had our years where we did not have the bandwidth.

I don’t know what else to mention. The kids are getting older so they all stay up later. It has to be overwhelming for people who aren’t used to it. I did get a feeling like we needed to be more strict with the gaming time. My brother went in and told them to turn things off at 10PM, which they did. I want them to have other memories besides that for their holidays. I’ve learned that it’s good to just enjoy the time together.

We had a good Thanksgiving Day. We went over to my mother-in-law’s house around 11:30. My favorite part is the snacks we have beforehand since usually by then I am pretty hungry after having had the goal to pace myself. The table was set up beautifully and the food was good too. I don’t think my stomach is as big as it used to be, as in I can’t seem to eat as much, seconds and thirds of rolls and potatoes like I used to.

The cousins played ping-pong downstairs. The adults joined too for a short time before the men went back upstairs to watch the Packers game. My brother-in-law is from Wisconsin and so naturally is a very big packers fan. He washed the pots and pans after the meal and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. The millennial generation of men, that I have seen at least, are much more involved in that kind of holiday kitchen work.

Josh washed the dishes after the later meal with my family. We had a small disagreement because I wanted to wash and not have to put away. I wanted something more mindless. But he said he didn’t want to have to put away either and that washing dishes wasn’t mindless. Yes, it was, I said, but we know how that goes, and I let him have his preferred place. Putting away is harder because you have to know their spots.

*(My brother ended up coming in and being the put away person)