“And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief, will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again.”
~Romans 11:23~

“In this passage (Romans 8:5-11) Paul is drawing a contrast between two kinds of life.

(i) There is the life which is dominated by sinful human nature; the life whose focus and center is self; the life that is absorbed in the things that fascinate sinful human nature; the life whose only law is its own desires; the life which takes what it likes where it likes; In different people that life will be differently described. It may be passion-controlled, or lust-controlled, or pride-controlled, or ambition-controlled. It’s characteristic is its absorption in the things that human nature without Christ sets his heart upon.

(ii) There is the life that is dominated by the Spirit of God. In the man’s heart is the Spirit. As he lives in the air, he lives in Christ, never separated from Him. As he breathes in the air, and the air fills him, so Christ fills him. He has no mind of his own. Christ is his mind. He has no desires of his own; the will of Christ is his only law.”

~William Barclay, The Letter to the Romans (The Daily Study Bible Series)

“Do not present your members to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.”
~Romans 6:13~

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this book, but yesterday I read Romans 6 and today Romans 7. What’s hard for me to understand is this division of persons. We have this flesh that has been crucified and with that it’s passions and desires (Galatians 5:24). We have died with Christ and therefore been set free from sin.

And at the same time there is still this war being waged inside the Christian. I’d say war is too extreme and strong of word but that is the word I am seeing. The desire to do good is there, but in the flesh, not the ability. In the flesh lies the desire for evil, but that part is not to reign. So is the flesh, is the sin in me dead or alive?

I think they are dead, for the sinful way has died with Christ. But just as death, though conquered, still remains here on earth, still the death that’s part of me. In Christ, however, now a new man lives in me, and in that body the hope (the promise) of a world that is free from sin. Wherever the death is, in Christ, so too is the life.

It’s getting cold outside again. I tried to walk outside and lasted only a few minutes. They’re predicting anywhere between 8-11 inches of snow on Sunday which already had our church secretary sending out emails to inform the congregants of the canceled church service. It doesn’t happen very often, but I actually like when pastors cancel church for snow in these instances. Sometimes God is simply telling us to stay home.

Nature is something you don’t mess with. During group today my phone went off with a voicemail from my boss saying that she needed to talk to me about something. Boy did I give that way too much energy. Turns out she was only checking in on the people scheduled for the weekend and making sure we’d be able to come. She and the care center director are planning on staying through the weekend to be available for backup.

Josh is already planning on taking me and picking me up. I’ve still felt like moderate crap but I’ll be okay to go to work. After group I came home and changed into my pajamas after dropping off one of the boys at the neighbors. It’s one of the boys who was in his class at school. The mom when I was dropping him off said she had said to another mom that she wanted to be best friends with me. The other mom said I was so pretty.

I’d wanted to have her son over back before school started. She’d texted while we were on vacation and I said we’d try to find a time once we got back. With busyness on my end and then on hers it never happened. So I apologized for that and for not getting back to her. I finally started talking in group so now I just need to turn it into a habit or something that happens without you really even thinking or your heart pounding too.

I really like the thrive center and wish I could see my future with it. Do I ever work there? Do I walk away? Do I need to be intentionally investing more time? I like having flexibility but when you can’t commit you’re a nebulous cloud. I came home and rested for the rest of the day. Dad and the boys were working on some van repairs and Elianna managed Zorro and tuned her guitar with my phone. I’m very grateful for warm houses.

The Christmas days are winding down. I can’t imagine having a job where you have to work the day after Christmas or even the week after. Christmas seems to be the one holiday of the year where the majority of people have some semblance of respect and appreciation for rest and family. When we cross through Springfield on Christmas evening, every year it is a sight to behold where every store is dark and every lot empty.

On New Year’s it doesn’t happen. On any other holiday it doesn’t happen. Today I did some tidying underneath around the tree. The Christmas ornaments came off and I gathered up the tree skirt and piled the stockings to be washed. At some point a cat threw up under there so that’s why I’m washing it. There’s a massive pile of laundry in the laundry room as a result of the boys spending daily cleaning time in their room.

I don’t need Christmas to stay as long like I used to. But still there is that question, “How do you just go back to normal?” I love the gradualness of it all, both the leading up and the coming down. I only feel the pressure once the new year comes and it seems a little stale to have these stockings still laying around. You start to dream of meals again, something other than snacks and leftovers and whatever we’ve else been surviving on.

I like how Christmas holds both years, the one before and the one beginning. This only works if you take 12 days (if you’re going to celebrate a few you might as well celebrate all of them). But the new year, yes. I need to start checking my email again, and start showing up for some hours again. This class I’m taking was scheduled to meet four times, one in December, three in January. I didn’t go tonight so I will have to make it up.

Two days after Christmas group attendance was high. I did go for that. If I survive another year I could be done with all of this in only 12 months. I made chicken soup for supper at the request of one of the kids whose under the weather. The boys have a friend over. I’ve heard from Ethan a couple of times and even from Laura. Dad still has some time off minus the usual writing or management. Tis still the season of my heart.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”
~Psalm 103:2~

We finally had some clear skies, and with it, much colder temps. For the most part I like the climate here but the soggy, moisture ridden air with extended cloudy days can really be a drag. I was in bed most of the day again except for a walk down the beach trail and back. That was enough. For the evening we returned to my mother-in-law’s house for supper and a little more hanging out with my sister-in-law and her family.

Zorro comes with us when we go. I can’t believe how much he’s grown. Right now he’s still fitting in the kennel we bought for the raccoons. His shape is looking more defined and muscular and I would guess he’s close to having doubled in size. Why does it tug at our hearts so much when this happens? Growing up is good, being healthy is good. We had a nice time around the table and playing games.

I think the above is my chosen verse for the year. I love the lines that follow which outline for us “all his benefits”. He forgives our iniquities. He heals our diseases. He redeems our life from the pit. He crowns us with steadfast love and mercy. The words included here show us the progression of life in Christ. He forgives, he heals, redeems, and crowns. This progression is ours over the course of a lifetime and many times over.

Here we are at the end of another year. The older lady who to used babysit us kids would say “How bout that” in times like this. It wasn’t quite wonder but it was showing acknowledgment that something notable had happened. I called my Grandma this evening and she brought this woman up as one of the people she imagines finally seeing again in heaven. She had some interesting thoughts I’d not heard her say before.

Usually she talks about seeing Jesus when we get there, but tonight she was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know how Jesus can meet everybody” and then proceeded to go on about there being so many people in the world who die and go to Jesus. How does he meet them all? I told her that even if he was busy at first he would probably eventually get around to catching up with us and meeting us. But maybe loved ones we’d see first.

Mary Jane (the lady) and Morgan, her parents, her brother, and of course Ken and Susan. In the times that I have hoped not to die, one of the reasons was because I’d not want to go before my grandma. I just think that would be too much for her. Yes she could handle it and her faith in God would get her through. There would be the peace of God that passes all understanding. We spoke of more of the saints and years ago tragedies.

Not just me but any of us kids. My siblings are partying again up north at one of my sister’s houses. Me and another brother aren’t there for the festivities. I am pretty much partied out and have used up my holiday energies. I have basically been in bed the past two days minus some minor time spent cleaning. I offered Elianna $20 to help me clean and organize my room. We went through clothes and she sorted my drawers.

I spent some time in prayer this morning as I am drawn back to it when not feeling as well. The past couple of new years have included some kind of mention to “build back strength and stamina”. Each year I think that this will be the year it happens. At some point in all this I decided that strength was going to have be something I received and not worked for. There was a posture of acceptance in the giving up of timetables.

If it was God’s will for me to have strength and stamina then I would just have to wait until it was poured back into me. There was peace in that acceptance but today I had doubt again, like that checking yourself and praying and wondering if there isn’t more I ought to be searching out or doing. More answers. Some kind of naturopath. Forcing myself when the energy isn’t there. I was simply too tired to go to Grandma’s tonight.

I have to trust they’ll understand and won’t hold it against me when they don’t. I wish I understood it more, had better words to offer explanations. As my grandma said tonight, everybody gets tired. Josh, the kids, and I started catching up on The Chosen. We watched through Season three and then were busy through Season 4 when it came out. We finished the first season episode where John the Baptist’s head gets cut off.

This year a desire of mine is to get over myself. When we were sitting in the kitchen at one of these recent Christmas parties there was the usual talk that can happen with women where we swap our birth stories and compare our pregnancy experiences. I have this part of me that wants to be seen as the expert, the wise one, the one who people go to for advice and inspiration. It’s not all bad but it can lean toward excessive.

Honestly I just want to encourage people in their lives. To be the kind older sister who offers a listening ear in times of discouragement. I don’t have to the answers, I don’t have to have the life experiences that stop the hearers in their tracks and give me outs for better stories. You can feel sometimes like people have to know your stories for credibility. Or that “you have no idea what I’ve been through” energy scratches.

None of that is necessary for the outcomes I am wanting. Do I want to be fun and happy, yes, but ultimately I want to be kind and present. Those are things that benefit people most. We got a Christmas card from my college roommate who’d gone through a year of several surgeries. Neither one of us had any idea and I think, “For God’s sake, the least I can do is send a card” and let her know I am thinking about her and praying.

That’s the kind of getting over myself that I mean. To stop and see, if only for a moment, another person in what they’re going through. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to be constant. God takes care of those necessities and thankfully leaves the little things to little us. So for the new year that is my prayer and my hope, to be faithful in the little things as they occur, as I am able, and continue trusting in the care of the Lord.

Ode to a Man’s Love

I believe in you, you’re different
Too long I’ve tried to make you mine
The books they wrote on inspiration
Would’ve been better to study you
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me initiation
And on the fifth day a written letter
And on the fourth day I will keep it
You melt these knots in my heart
As you say, as yours too dissolve

The weirdest thing happened to me this morning. John Blase started following me on Instagram. All I did was read the Substack post he’d posted in his stories and said “Great post!”. That’s all I did. This isn’t any different from anything else I’ve ever said to him every so often for the past nine or ten years. Did he follow me when I DM’d him back in Hoyleton about a poem he’d written or a couple of years ago when I asked him about a post I remembered reading but couldn’t find and then he sent it?

No. Did he follow me when I was actually writing things I would’ve wanted him to read like when I’d written several posts that were inspired by something he wrote? Nothing. So I don’t know what it was about this time that made him click the follow button. I’m sure one day he’ll be tired of the hidden burdens that come with fame like never truly feeling known even though all these people think they know you. And he’ll remove my name from his list because we don’t actually know each other. I’m over it now.

It did make me laugh though. Sometimes I read his stuff and think he needs to be happier. I get the melancholy and the fear of happiness because it is often so fleeting. It feels safer to stay in the sad so that when the next round comes it’s not such a shock to the system, or that’s what we can tell ourselves. It would still be a shock but maybe not so far to fall if we were already camped out in the land of the sad. I think we’re robbed of happiness and joy when we do this. Happiness is real, true, and joy is too.

The days are blurring together as they’re known to do this time of year. My body is sore all over after sitting for several hours today in a Cracker Barrel chair. I met my friend Jenna in Lincoln which is basically halfway between here and East Peoria. It’s become a tradition to get together when she’s visiting her parents. She has seven kids now including two set of twins. One set is already something but two is just wild. Our houses are still messes and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to report something different.

I process so much that never quite makes it out here. Solidifying thoughts is very difficult, especially deeper ones. Sometimes I wonder if I just closed my eyes and tried to type what I see instead of what I hear if that might make a difference. I come to the end of a post and think, “Surely there was more than that?” More to say, more to express, more to attempt to articulate for clarity’s sake or some semblance of helpfulness. More for another day when closing my eyes was not so wondrous.

“He lived there two whole years at his own expense and welcomed all who came to him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hinderance.”
~Acts 28:31~

One of the camp couples got engaged this afternoon. The counselors and camp staff arrived today for their camp reunion so I guess they wanted to get it out of the way before then. No one close to me was aware this was happening. We’d seen Graham, Miles’ brother, here this morning with his camera tripod walking toward camp. We wondered what he was doing but no one thought anything else about it.

So he was able to get some pictures. Graham really wants a German Shepherd so he likes when he gets to see and play with Elianna’s. She and I were out taking Zorro for a walk when more of the camp people started arriving. A silver minivan pulled up and it was Miles and Laura. I like to be dramatic around my daughter sometimes and so I put my hand to my heart and said in a lovey voice something about “my kids”.

Miles didn’t have a car so Laura picked him up on her way. They both really are these wonderful people and it seems so surreal to think about them being a part of our family. They already feel like that in a way. Laura’s family is leaving Monday for a trip to visit family in Texas. Ethan is going with and so is Laura’s sister’s boyfriend, Andy. She showed me the seat where they will have to sit squished for the drive down.

They had to put on of the back seats down leaving only the middle seat and a side seat in the back. I was cracking up imagining the two of them sitting back there. First actually I was a little less amused by it when Laura’s mom was first telling me. I don’t know why I feel this small resistance at times to things that for me would’ve just been funny, normal, and fun. Of course they will be fine squished together back there.

So they’ll be gone for a week. We’ve still been somewhat busy with Christmas gathering things. Yesterday late afternoon and evening we went over to Laura’s house to play games with another family and hers. They had a kennel in their garage where we could put Zorro. Laura has two dogs, Angel and Mischief. Their dogs will stay at home and while they’re gone they have a neighbor who stops by and checks on them.

This afternoon we went to a get-together at the home of the homeschool family from our church. There were two other families from the homeschool group there. That was fun too and the kids put on a play at the end that was very impressive and I told them it was. I was glad we were there to substantially add to the audience because if it hadn’t have been for my husband we likely wouldn’t have gone. I would’ve passed.

They’d been out here this week to bury a miscarried baby. Josh did the service and so had spent some extra time with them. My son was just in here sitting on the yoga ball in our bedroom. He was telling me about this or that frustration when I remembered that Ethan used to come in here and sit on this ball. He’d come in after baseball games and wouldn’t have nearly as much to say but I was always happy when he came in.

Whether he knew that or not who knows. So I did try to communicate this time despite my tears that he was welcome to come and sit on my yoga ball at any time. I have felt surprisingly good considering the holiday activity and had a few times of feeling surprisingly seen in regard to my health. One person asked how I’d been feeling and another person said, “Is that because you never fully recovered from your thing?”

I don’t know, those unexpected validations just help you to feel more understood sometimes. I did finish Acts sometime last week or the week before. I enjoyed reading the book and have already moved on to Romans. Whether it’s movies, or the Bible, or people who say different things here or there, I’m glad God uses these things to straighten us out at times. That’s what it felt like this time, like being straightened.

I don’t know what we’re doing tonight. The boys wanted to spy on the counselors but I don’t think I’m going to let them do that. Plus I already told Elianna she’s the spy. I’m kind of liking the movie routine and not having much to cook or do in the evenings. Sooner or later we’ll clean up Christmas and put the house semi back together. Zorro bit off the new lights plug so for now we’re just going to have to deal with tree only.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character
~Steps 4-6, The 12 Steps~

Last night we watched It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s one of those favorites people have that they watch around Christmastime. The kids don’t like watching it so we watched it by ourselves. I think you have to be more of a grown up to appreciate this movie. There aren’t very many kids in it for one and two, kids don’t really understand grown up problems. Most of this movie is about problems that grown-ups have to go through.

I remembered Donna Reed’s character, Mary, and that she’s almost too perfect. But then watching it I remembered again, and confirmed in my mind that she indeed was too perfect. The more I watched the more upset I became, not visibly, not terribly. I was upset because this was obviously not a movie about an actual person. This was some man’s rendition of whatever their fantasy, whatever their version of perfect was.

She is not deterred when he forgets their fun night. She doesn’t throw him out when he’s unimpressed by his own imagination of lassoing the moon and pulling it down. She readily surrenders their interrupted honeymoon and willingly hands over the money that was supposed to be only for them. She wishes for a house and then works by herself to transform an old mansion into a livable home space. All this and more.

And when he comes home late, or is rude or aloof for the umpteenth time, she greets him at the door with loving excitement. She is dressed, smiling, busy with the kids, with not an inkling of stress. That’s how I knew that she couldn’t be real. I’ve known too many moms and heard too many stories. And Mary just takes it like a saint. She’s this long-suffering woman, who minus smashing the record, shows no signs of suffering.

There are vices in our lives that fall away easier than others. And then there are others, I think for me it is just this one, that wrap their tentacles around your innermost being and are so entrenched and so entwined that it seems impossible to be completely free of it, to shed it, to be rid of it. I wondered last night why this bothers me so much, why this particular thing, when I see it, stirs up pain, shame, and anger and whatever else.

Because I want to be free of this. This bitterness or grudge that comes not because someone else wasn’t the ideal for me, but because I wasn’t the ideal for them. I had needs, and needed to be loved, and this was all just too much. But that’s not all, all of that is forgivable, understandable, erased. I told the kids, in an impromptu devotion I gave before they opened their presents, that something was different on their tags.

I didn’t write Santa when they were all little. Christmas was about Jesus, yes, but also because I didn’t want to give Santa credit for the work. These gifts under the tree were a sign of my love, of the love of me and their dad for them. Mom and Dad. Dad and Mom I would sometimes switch it up so as to be honoring. Sometimes I’d eventually write Santa to be fun. But what I wanted them to know was how much we loved them.

This year I signed the gifts from “Love”. The Bible says that God is love, and in James it also says that “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning (1:17).” All these years, I have not been love itself, as much as I was filled with it. I have only been a conduit of what was first bestowed to me. God is the one who truly loves them.

It went something like that. And separate from that but somehow related are the thoughts I continue to have about rewards. I wanted rewards for being good, but that’s only because I thought I deserved them. Even in holiness I thought somehow that the reward on this earth was somehow a good marriage, good children, lives that bear fruit from the work you’ve poured into them. But the more I go on I see this isn’t the reward.

God himself is the ideal and reward. Not the end of pain and trials, or the cessation of labor. All those things will be wonderful too. But he is the only one who lasts, and because I am in him I will go on and live forever. I will know completeness and perfection and healing in Jesus even as I have already known it. They keep trying to tell me this, that this is how you love freely. I am getting it now. I think I’m getting it now.