“And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.”
~Acts 13:52~

We went shopping for a Christmas tree this evening. I am still really drained from getting over thanksgiving. After school I told the boys I was going to lie down. I started on the couch telling them they can be my body and I will be their brains, meaning I’d tell them what to do or what to clean and they would do it while I was cuddled up with blankets. We didn’t get far but it was far enough to be satisfactory.

They made a Christmas chain countdown. The one gets antsy and has to do things. He also painted a picture of the full moon in the sky. I didn’t fall asleep but laid down until about 1:15 when I got up to get dressed. I was sitting in for an assessment at the Thrive Center. Bless these people’s hearts who come in. He didn’t know I was coming and technically you’re supposed to have consent when observing sessions.

So I asked him in the lobby if he was the 2PM assessment and he was. Thankfully he said yes but it felt to me like he should’ve been asked a tad sooner as he didn’t really have much time to consider it. I wish I could talk more about the things that they say, but these people in a way are entrusting their secrets and I will never get over the way they just open up and share in a moment. You have to be trustworthy.

Sorry, I’m not trying to virtue signal. I needed a break from this place too and between the supervisor taking a trip and having thanksgiving week it was nice to have one. Afterward he was showing me the charting for an assessment, saying he knows I’m actually going to have to do it myself. I finally asked if I could actually come around to where he was because from where I was sitting across the desk I couldn’t see.

It’s weird, which is why I write about it. It’s not weird like creepy, it’s more like I’m not used to being around men. I’m not used to having to completely ignore certain feelings or pretend I’m just a person looking over his shoulder. Except I wasn’t pretending, that’s just what I was. I’m not there enough to get the client experiences I’m wanting but it has been good for groups and learning more logistics of insurance/business things.

Elianna is going to Branson, Missouri with Miles and his family. They’re leaving tomorrow and plan to be gone for five days, which is why we went ahead and got our Christmas tree tonight. Zorro rode along and walked outside in the streetlights. He’s really very cute but I also fear as he continues to grow. She wanted a dog that looked like a wolf. He looks like one, like an animal who could potentially do great harm.

I’m not really used to being around dogs either, and as a kid, I never liked them. But I am also open to learning and it helps to know that dogs are normal. The tree we found was $65 and may have been the quickest time ever in choosing a tree. At first I said we should go to Ace Hardware after stopping by the first place we were at, but then I changed my mind. It’s in the living room now and we can decorate some other time.

“When they heard these things they fell silent. And they glorified God, saying, ‘Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life.”
~Acts 11:18~

I read somewhere recently that the decade of your 40’s is the old age of youth and the 50’s decade is the youth of old age. I like that. It sure does feel that way at times especially when I consider our past Decembers leading up to Christmas. I’ve jokingly said “I’m failing Advent this year”, but haven’t necessarily felt it deeply. In years past I definitely have, feeling like the time is rushing by but without nearly enough of it.

And then you wonder, “Am I tired? Is it laziness? Just a difference in priorities?”, while you’re trying to figure out why exactly you’re more okay with not having a tree yet or turning the house over into Christmas. I haven’t really found the answer, but the old age in your forties felt like something to do with it. The stranger thing to me is that the kids seem to be okay with it too.

Like do they not miss the joy? It was such a big deal to move that tree along the calendar lines, marking the days each morning as they passed. I haven’t bought a single gift, but there is always the relief in knowing Grandma is already on it and that they essentially have two major Christmas Day openings. My aunts have sent us money for as long as I can remember and I thought about doing that for nieces and nephews.

It’s not like I didn’t know that family was important or that Jesus was the ultimate reason for the season. Those two things are what made it so good. I think of Christmas and Jesus’ birth being tied to our joy and Easter and his resurrection being tied to our hope. The angels to the shepherds came with tidings of joy. It’s like anytime a baby is born. We know that it’s special.

Just like anytime a person dies we know that it’s sad. I have this tendency to want to relive the past, like to right now go out and buy the lighted candy canes for the hallway. I loved those so much. But there are joys that come in new seasons too, like it’s not even that I need the permission to let it change. I need the grace and the vision to be ok with something different while still resting deeply in the truths that never change.

“And the Lord said to him (Ananias), ‘Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying’…”
~Acts 9:11~

Zorro and I went for a walk this morning. The boys were still asleep and I thought I’d give them a break from their responsibilities. Dad was in Arensville for chapel, though I was up before him this time so I could get to work on my panel handouts. I had my presentation this afternoon and passed. I felt slightly disappointed afterward that I hadn’t really tried to choose a video that was more exciting.

“It was nice to see your work”, said the teacher I had this summer. The word work made it feel so serious, like I should’ve taken this more seriously and made the afternoon less boring for them. But it’s over now and it is what is. You only have to do the panel once, so I don’t know if I’ll ever see this particular teacher again. I liked him a lot and he made the transition to a different place less formidable.

It was my birthday so naturally I’ve been thinking about life and death, mostly the latter. If I ever die I just want you to know that anything I say here is completely usable. There is no copyright on my words because they were a gift to me in the first place, and hopefully at some point, a gift to you. I’ve wanted to say that several times but at no point could ever bring myself to type it out. It was too much.

Too much to be at peace with and say. In Acts 9 and 10 there are two noted instances where God is working out details in tandem. The first is with Saul and Ananias. God confronts Saul on the road to Damascus and tells him next what he is to do. Then he makes himself known to Ananias who is now supposed to go looking for Saul, or more precisely, he tells him exactly where Saul is at. Ananias finds him.

The second instance happens between the centurion and Peter. God tells the centurion where to find Peter, and at the same time in his own way, God sets the stage with Peter for the centurion’s men who are coming. So it is in our lives where God is working behind the scenes, in ways he tells us and ways he doesn’t, but may have told someone else. And then the scenes come together to form the fuller story.

We ended up going to McAllister’s for supper. The kids and I went there a couple of weeks/months ago and I’d decided we weren’t going back there again. But then I decided to give them another chance. We arrived about 15 minutes early so walked over to Home Goods to look around in the store. I couldn’t believe all the stuff.

We didn’t buy anything. Josh’s mom was there when we got back and the group of us walked up to the counter and ordered. They have warm food that doesn’t take forever to get but is still something different than a hamburger and fries. On the way into town I’d asked the kids what they thought about just having the one Christmas tree this year.

We’d just turn the harvest tree into a Christmas one. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about lights or carrying it in or finding a place to put it. The thought of bringing in a big messy thing just wasn’t appealing. The kids said absolutely not. So I nixed the Christmas tree idea until another day when I’d hopefully be feeling more inspired.

My nap was not enough to revive it, and neither was the afternoon of resting. In the car I had a flashback to April or May a couple of years ago when something like a nail popped out of my heart. I’d been crying so hard when it suddenly felt like some kind of impaled object came out of my heart. I thought for sure I was going to die right then.

I didn’t know how I didn’t, or what exactly it was that left. I thought it had to be some kind of grief thing, some kind of deep hurt that had lodged itself so deep inside me there was no removing it except by blunt force, or apparently crying. I’d been listening to these audio sessions on attachment theory and “love styles”. I was the “vacillator”.

They were coming on up on this key thing that had to do with their healing and coming into a more “secure connection”. I thought while I was listening, “Oh God, here it comes. They’re going to say you need to deal with your anger…” I was ready to hear it and own my problems. But instead they said, “You need to get comfortable with being alone.”

I don’t know if the nail came out before that or after that but all of that was happening around the same time period. We had a nice time at McAllister’s and we didn’t have to wait super long. We somehow got on the topic of the letters Josh and I had written to each other in the years before getting married. I was wondering where they were.

Josh was looking at me then said, “You don’t remember?” I feel like I’ve seen them in the past fifteen years or so, in a box that I that went though and wanted to keep. I always thought it be cool to arrange them in a book, like to organize them by dates and replies so they could be read in succession. Some of them are romantic and others just normal.

“Didn’t you bury them at Golgotha?”, my daughter replied. Apparently we did. Golgotha is the place on camp property where there is a giant (average) sized cross where we did a camp devotion one time for junior high kids where we acted out the crucifixion of Jesus. Many years later we buried these letters there. I was floored to hear any of this.

Because I couldn’t remember it. He said after we’d broken up he buried my letters in a box in his parents’ yard. But when we got back together he’d dug them back up. I have no idea why I would’ve wanted to bury them but the more I thought about it the more I remembered having this discussion and planning it, wanting to waterproof the box.

So now I’m wondering if we need to go dig them up at some point, or if we’d ever even be able to find the spot where we buried them, if we in fact actually did this. I know they aren’t in our room because I have deep cleaned in there and organized those sorts of things. The only place they could be is in the back office which I’ve never organized.

Well I’m hoping to get back into my Advent readings soon. Today for school the boys had animal care. Elianna was at school so the boys were in charge during the hours she was away. They said the dog is more work than the eight cats combined. It’s just that you have to play with him and entertain him when he’s awake. He bites at my ankles which I’m not a huge fan of and we called Aunt Liz for any puppy advice she had.

But he got to experience his first snow. Elianna was sad she was missing it but luckily I’d taken pictures. I feel like this is going to be one of those things where they grow really fast and before you know it they’re grown. But then we’re going to wish we had taken more pictures. So there were pictures of him outside in the snow with the boys. I walked to the mailbox to mail a thank-you card to my grandma while they watched.

I said they could do school or help me clean but they couldn’t do nothing. They chose to help clean. The upstairs needed attention and tidying. The cats have actually been really healthy but one recently had a bite on his face that got infected. We took him to the vet to get it cleaned and get some medicine. I feel like I’m always mentioning bites but it doesn’t happen that often. Anymore I tend to want to just take them in.

He needed to go in. Before that, around noon, I’d started to feel drained. I went to bed after lunch until it was time to go to the vet. After that I charged my phone to have it ready for the shelter. One of the moms needed her car jumped so we did that right away. I don’t like standing outside there in the cold or the dark. Another family had unexpectedly left and one from the downstairs emergency shelter had moved in.

I’m still worried about his face but I am glad he has medicine. I told Josh he didn’t have to get me anything for my birthday (tomorrow) and he said he didn’t because the Andrew Peterson concert was my present. The only thing I wanted was to go Christmas tree shopping and pick out a tree. He just told me though that the tree farms aren’t open until the weekend, so I dont know what we’ll do. I know Menards has lots.

Zorro already looks like he’s grown since we got him. Elianna went to Miles’ house this evening so the boys are dog-sitting. We texted and asked her if it was okay to feed him. She said she’d do it when she got home but he’s been acting very hungry. She said that was fine so Dad and the boys were getting it ready. I haven’t had to much of anything with him, not that I’m against it, it’s just that the others having been taking care of it all.

I think he enjoyed the experience of being around people and dogs. The thanksgiving crew packed up and left around noon. It was great to be with everybody again and every year feels like a good time, I hope for everyone. I was telling the boys after were home that thanksgiving almost feels like entering a time capsule. For those few days we’re together and just enjoying each other’s company. Then it’s time to go back.

Ethan took the car this time instead of the traverse. He has a couple more weeks of school including an early-bird indoor track meet. With having two other kid-drivers we really do need the extra vehicle but the reasons this works is because if we need to we use the camp truck. Josh took it to Quincy a couple of weeks ago and I used it once to drive to one of my sites. He let me know he had stopped in Chillicothe, about halfway.

The engagement day was so fun. I felt terrible about springing it on my family last minute. Josh announced that Ethan and Laura had taken a walk and that he was going to propose. Between the time when they left and when they were supposed to be back, her parents, siblings, and grandma showed up so they could be there too. Her mom brought dessert and congratulatory decorations. Uncle Glenn said we should’ve waited.

They had a family member once whose marriage lasted less than a year. Josh actually did their wedding. But for whatever reason it didn’t work out and supposedly she knew from the get-go that he was not the right person. But it was some kind of public proposal and she said yes anyway and went along with the whole thing even through the wedding. I had this in the back of my mind too, aware these kinds of things happen.

Their relationship is between the two of them, he said. I understood this too but we had also talked to Ethan about it and taken the time to discuss and figure out his idea. Josh’s mom and sister and family also came that evening. I was worried it might be too much but it’s what he wanted. To me the awkwardness of everyone waiting there was the worst part about it. I couldn’t even socialize, instead I hid in the kitchen waiting there.

But everyone rolled with it. I was grateful for my sister-in-law and sisters who contributed help with the decorating and arranging. I cried afterward in the kitchen with my mom and aunt, not because I was sad, but because it’d been so much. Josh and I were just happy that she’d said yes and they were happy. She really is a sweet person and I can completely see why Ethan likes her. She is very comfortable to be around.

So another thanksgiving has come and gone. It’s been wonderful to be able to do this as many years as we have. Josh gives the families a discounted rate so that hopefully the cost isn’t too much of a burden between the gas to drive down here and everything else. It’s great to have such an affordable place to stay that can fit everybody.

I hate being quiet
but there isn’t much
time for solitude
remember me, Lord Jesus
when you come into
your kingdom, in that place
I’ll meet you there

Ethan proposed to Laura this evening. We’ve known for however long it was when we went out to his meet in Iowa. He asked to talk to Dad to get Laura’s dad’s number. When he got back into the car we said, “Ok, spill.” So then Josh told me and the boys what happened. I have to admit I was a little shocked at the timing and was not expecting him to ask her so soon.

From what she says she wasn’t either. He wanted her to be surprised. It’s been very hard not to mention it or talk about over here or anywhere I would normally talk about things. It turned out nice where her family and siblings were in town for thanksgiving so they were able to join us for a dinner and dessert when Ethan and Laura came back from their walk.

I just kept praying for God to work out the details because once today came I was feeling very nervous. I just wanted it to be a nice experience for everyone and obviously for her to be happy with everything going on. Thankfully she was. Once they were back I felt so much better and relieved. Several of us were feeling emotional including them. We all were grateful.

“And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. But Philip found himself in Azotus…”
~Acts 8:39-40~

“Boys, I stand undaunted in the face of your apathy.” They were not as resolute about decorating and wrapping the CGC doors as I was. It didn’t matter. They were coming and that was all their was to it. We survived without too much frustration. I know these things are unnecessary. There really is a fine line between going all out in a way that exhausts you and trying to add a little bit of cheer to the moment.

They’re fine once they get there it just takes some prodding on my part. My grandma used to have us help her fold church bulletins. There was a certain way it had to be done, and that was folding them so that when you folded it in half the corners matched. It drove her nuts when people would fold them and the corners were off. It made sense. I doubt that Jesus cared but the aligned corners looked nicer.

So I could’ve probably had them do it a little neater but then we all would’ve ended up miserable. I told them they needed to put Casper outside because Uncle Dave is allergic to pet dander, particularly from cats. The no animals policy has pretty much gone out the window once the dogs started coming. You think of these people with allergies and don’t want them to be uncomfortable but no one had said anything.

Elianna’s dog made it back last night. She said his name is Zorro. He’s actually very cute. Schneip (the former counselor) and Laura were here to eat supper with us when they got home. Earlier when they were gone the boys and I made cookie dough for one of our Friday activities. Really the kids don’t need quite as much entertainment. Next year I told my mom one of our activities should just be to make our own pies.

That way people would be contributing toward something with a purpose. We’d eat the fruits of our labor so to speak. I get emotional during the holidays because they bring up many feelings, a strong one being from all the memories of times before and how special it is to do things for and with family. We love each other and that’s (what makes up for all) the difference.

We woke up in the morning to hear my sister had her baby in the middle of the night. Torin Samuel. I sadly wasn’t there this time as it was my weekend to work and there was a lot going on. My other sister was there who lives only ten minutes away and has been there for three of my sister’s four home births. She opted out of having a mid-wife this time, I think mostly to save money. She gave birth at home on their bedroom floor.

They’re still planning on coming. I told her all she’d have to do is sit in the recliner and hold the baby. It’s a busy week of preparations for when people arrive here on Thursday. Ethan surprised us Saturday morning by showing up around 8AM after telling us he wasn’t going to leave until Saturday around 6AM. He and some teammates were supposed to play campus-wide hide and seek on Friday night but then decided not to.

He got home sometime around 1AM but slept in the retreat center with the former counselor who’s been living here until he starts his job in January. So that was fun to see him. Dad and I went grocery shopping this morning to get the first batch of food. Thanksgiving Day we’ll spend at his mom’s house in the later morning and for the noon meal. Wednesday evening we’re playing games with Laura’s family and some others.

I do like these gatherings. It’s a lot but every year is different and somehow works itself out. This year my grandma sent $1000 to cover the food. I’d only asked for $500. So that was nice and her way of supporting us and being there. My other aunt is coming this year, finally after years of asking. She has something with her work where things are due at the end of the month and it’s never been a good time. She’s still talking to Tim.

Dad and Elianna are picking up the puppy tomorrow. They’ve been shopping to get all the things together, tonight bringing home a bag of puppy food. My sister regularly acts like I’m in for a rude awakening as soon as this dog is here. I told her ignorance is bliss and that I’m fine with my bliss until things have to change. Seriously, I have no idea what to expect. They keep saying you have to take him outside to use the bathroom.

It’s a male German Shepherd. I think of German Shepherds as being a mix of black and brown but this one is mostly black with only a little bit of brown. She won’t tell us the name. There’s a place in the back office where he’s supposed to sleep and I guess for a while she is going to sleep with him. I’m trying to figure out which cat is going to have the hardest time with him being here. I’m kind of hoping they’ll eventually be used to it.

The morning Ethan came home I woke up to a text sound at 7. I figured it was him letting me know he was leaving. It wasn’t. I thought it was weird that he hadn’t texted, and I thought about calling him but I didn’t. He said he’d set his alarm for 6AM so he could call me because he figured I’d worry. But for whatever reason he didn’t and went back to sleep. I wasn’t really worrying, it was more like wondering then letting it go.

But it made me happy that I’d somehow been thought of again. I read Acts chapter 4 and basically Peter and John are interrogated by the religious leaders asking them in whose power had they healed a lame man. In Jesus’ power, they said. The leaders tell them they need to stop doing that. It makes them (the leaders) uncomfortable for whatever reason but they also see that they can’t deny that this man was healed.

Whenever I’ve read about Peter and John being bold I’ve always kind of pictured them enjoying this experience. Like they’re getting some kind of high or rush out of ruffling these feathers and being defiant in some way. But I don’t think that’s going on here. Boldness is speaking the truth, not rebelling. And then the leaders kind of threaten them. These are not idle leaders. These are the people who had their friend killed.

So these leaders could essentially do the same to them. The disciples pray to God for boldness. Their behavior in these moments is all coming across as completely non-pompous and rather measured. They’ve fallen asleep in Gethsemane and not believed when others came to them to tell them Jesus had risen. The only way they’re going to be bold in the face of such leaders is through Jesus who gives them the power to do so.