The boys and I went on a leaf hunt today. Really it’s past the prime time to do that, but one of them asked if we could do a leaf hunt instead of school. I can’t remember how many times we’ve done this, it wasn’t that many, but it’s something they remember as something we did. The exciting thing was way back when, when I let them go on the trails without me.

They divided into groups with big kids in change of little kids to gather as many different kinds of leaves that they could. Once we were home we spread out the leaves sheet that took up the space of standard wall poster. In retrospect I’ve become more and more aware how it’s not always so much about the knowledge. It’s the experience.

I told them we all had to work until noon. That gave us two and a half hours for me to wrap up the last of my presentation worksheets, and for them to do their usual schoolwork. We finished right about on time. It was cold outside and I said for one to put pants on. They have their reasons. There are plenty of oaks here but I also knew where the other ones are.

I was thinking the other day and then again more recently that if I ever was diagnosed with some rare and aggressive cancer that I probably wouldn’t pray and plead with God to spare my life. I have prayed that before and been answered in the past with yeses. But anymore I think I’d ask for a different kind of miracle. I would ask for the grace to die well.

It’s not that I’ve lost the will to live, per se. It’s just that when you’re begging to be healed in a fallen world you’re asking to be remain in a world with pain and strife. You’re asking to live in a place hostile to human life no matter how much God still upholds the universe he once created for our thriving. I’m not saying cancer is a certain death sentence, but I would not have the strength or the will to go through treatments. It’d be more like, “You know, Lord, it’s fine. Just take me home.”

Are there wonderful things here? Sure. Are there works for us to do by which we participate in the further spread of God’s Kingdom until Jesus returns to gather us up from our callings and graves? Absolutely for sure. For other people I would pray this, for the extension of life and total healing. But anymore, in this moment, it at least feels like I would say it.

The hours are adding up but not fast enough for my liking. I’ll get used to it and already have. Where I thought I was going to have to end up making a schedule of the groups so that everyone could keep track and know what day they were going, I’ve instead just kind of remembered who was on what day and then repeated it so it makes more sense. The extra night a week makes a difference with fitting everyone in for time.

If all continues, I should reach my goal by the end of the semester, plus I registered today for the intersession class. This is for anyone who wants to keep accumulating hours over the five weeks of winter break. You can’t get hours unless you’re regularly meeting with a faculty supervisor. There was one who agreed to be that person for the 5-7 of us taking it. I still like the slower pace and the opportunities this site provides.

The environment itself can be very hectic. It is not uncommon in my videos to have background noise of moms yelling and kids fighting and screaming in the background. To be honest I don’t think everyone would enjoy this kind of close quarters communal arrangement but I am grateful I do. Sometimes they have donations for supper and other times the moms have to cook. Tonight they had baked beans and hot dogs.

Elianna and I visited UIS for a college day. I found myself almost instantly wondering, “What are we doing here?” Kids these days still have pressure to go to college, and even in my own head I have this idea that college is what you’re supposed to do, or at least is a good option if that’s what you want. But nothing about this seems to excite her. I feel like if you’re going to go to college somewhere and commit to four more years of school then you should have at least some inner drive or reason for doing so.

We ended up leaving early. They had an opening welcome sessions and after that they divided us into students and parents. The students had a panel session and the parents had their own. While she was doing that I visited the admissions office seeing if there was any way they’d lift the hold I currently have on my registration process. Apparently they never received a final transcript from LCU after they closed. I’m just irate with these hoops that never seem to go away or end.

And then I walked the half mile or whatever it was to the health office. My vaccination records were finally listed as “satisfied” but I wanted to make sure the lift from that office was gone. I was having all these nightmares of having to send in another self-addressed stamped envelop to the IDPE, except this time with one that was addressed to the college. But thankfully all I needed to do for that one was look up Ozark Christian College in Missouri and have a transcript electronically sent from there.

“I’m not gonna lie, I kinda hated it there”, she said on our way to community college that’s more or less across the street. I mean, I think it’s fine and I personally like going there but if you don’t like a place then you just don’t like it. If you can get a four-year degree for free, and you have no other responsibilities holding you back or taking up amounts of time, then I kind of feel like it’s not a bad idea to get one. Plus she’s so smart. I drove us over to a close enough parking lot.

“Elianna, you’ve got to talk to these people in person”. It’s the only way to get anything done or accomplished. I was going to show her how it was done and we followed the signs to something that sounded like Admissions. There was a sign on the counter saying the receptionist person was away from the desk. But also thankfully a paper highlighting their medical programs including a 6-month veterinary assistant option. We left inspired, with direction and answers and one more day in the books.

Since this whole thing happened a couple of years ago I think there’ll always be a part of me that wants to be in bed. I think of these women who have worked for years, night shifts and two jobs and did all of this willingly, and I honestly couldn’t imagine having lived such a life. Some women like working. They find purpose and identity, enjoy staying busy, and like the extra income they earn. Some had to work for money.

I count downplay all the things that I’ve done, but I also can’t ignore the immense richness that has been my life. These kids–they have no idea the delight they brought me. As much as I’ve lamented the long hours my husband works, as lonely as it’s made me and been the way of so many unshared experiences, his work was my security.

I don’t think I’ll ever be like them, these people who like to stay busy, at least in those ways. There was shame in not being a Martha, but there was too much pride in being a Mary. In the car I thought to myself, I’m not the one asking Jesus to tell my sister to help me. I’m the one telling the Marthas to put the pots and pans down and get the heck over here. That’s part of my problem. You’re not supposed to boss, but rather invite.

“I slipped back, as we all do, into the needs and structures of my own life.”
~Sharon Blackie, If Women Rose Rooted: A Life-Changing Journey to Authenticity and Belonging~

The kids and I spent time cleaning up in the morning. It really makes me wonder what people without kids do, at least in terms of cleaning their house. It has to stay cleaner. Elianna said it’s mostly the boys who make the mess, but I don’t know. I tried to say it wasn’t me but that didn’t go over well. The piles by the couch and next to my bed, what else can you blame on me? It’s the little things that add up, it always is.

She came and sat in our room. I’ve told her before that I don’t know what it is, if there’s someone else to just sit there then I can finish the job. She must’ve felt bad for making me feel bad because I didn’t ask her in there she just came in there anyway. We made plans for supper tonight because I didn’t want to go out to eat. Graham isn’t going to the concert so they had an extra ticket which we gave to Josh’s mom.

The Hannibal-LaGrange choir is accompanying Andrew Peterson for some of his songs. Miles sings bass. His mom required him to stay with music all through high school and into college. So that was an extra reason to go and she and I went to County Market once Dad was home from his board meeting. His parents were going early and they said she could ride along with them if she wanted to come then which she did.

The Concordia team had their conference meet. We finished watching the results before she got out of the car. Vaughn and Trey got first and second (🥰). I didn’t stay to say hi, but instead drove home to where lunch was ready on the table. I brought in the groceries and set them down on the mudroom floor to put away. I don’t remember what we talked about then but later the boys had to clean out the van.

My mother-in-law took us out to eat at Cracker Barrel. We usually get to pick the places and this one I suggested so we could look around the store. I told the kids this year we’re going to have a small Christmas, they used to be so easy to buy for. They say I say that every year but you really do get to a point where you max out space in the house. If I’m alive when we move out of here I’ve already decided I’m downsizing by 90%.

I long sometimes to be somewhere, much of the times it’s not heaven. The girl who had emergency surgery is home from the hospital and had played her guitar in good spirits. She dated Graham, Miles’ brother, over the past spring until they broke up in the summer. She asked Graham to come over and he did. It’s like when you wake an experienced husband at 2AM, saying in your most true and non-threatening voice, “Can you come and be with me while I’m dealing with this?”

We left the boys home this morning. She suggested this place that in her opinion has the best coffee in town. The breakfast blend tea was more expensive than the coffee. I never cared about any of that, the diamonds, the ring I haven’t been wearing because it’s too small on my finger. He found a mood ring in the CGC that is shaped like a turtle. I like wearing it. The shine is wearing off now but the color still changes.

The teacher was sick so we had class over Zoom tonight. My basic videos are done so all I had to do was listen and give my feedback. We take turns wearing different colored “hats” and the color of the hat determines the feedback we are giving. Mine was the black hat which is the hat for constructive criticism. The black hat is harder because as counselors we tend to be more positive and affirming people.

But I still liked it. Next week is the bigger grid presentation which I signed up for then so I could go and get it over with. Today was a pretty laid-back day. The boys did school and I don’t remember what I did. It’s been a long week with the sickness and school hours and losing more sleep. Last night my son and I ended up in the living room with him on the couch and me on a mattress still there from election night.

We did do Algebra together. Sometimes they ask for math help when I’m about to do something else so I tell them I can help after I finish the other thing. I tell them all the time that math is never as hard as it looks because there’s always a trick that makes the hard problem much easier. They write the problem to make it look scary but when you break it down you see that it was actually easier than it looked.

Everyone’s been dragging a little more than usual, including one of the boys who this evening spiked another fever. I came home from group and was immediately caught up with the boy on the couch knowing there was only one reason he’d be there. He’s had his medicine since Monday for what turned out to be a a double ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat. The others were improving but now there’s a cough.

I keep trying to write about this man at the Thrive center but anything I’ve said lately I end up deleting. I was the Tuesday night and then there the next morning so whenever that happens it’s more fresh in my mind. I’ve been showing up late for group which I’m going to try to adjust. For a while I started to dread going not knowing if anyone was going to be there and because a couple of times it was just me and the supervisor.

Thankfully people have been there these past several times and I really do enjoy the educational videos, discussion, and then “process group” afterward where the deeper therapy happens. Afterward we went back up to his office and the first thing he asked me was, “So what did you want to say in group today but didn’t?” So I told him the two major things. It’s really driving me nuts because he’s not getting anything out of me.

They talked about impulses today in the video. It helped to put a word to it. Having “free won’t” and having the ability to tell yourself no. It was all being talked about in the context of brain development and neurochemistry and then later “where you’re putting your energy (do you feed the impulse, the thought, the addiction)” Will power is not enough but it’s also true in the process that will power is a part of making new choices.

How do you want to show up for yourself? Well the word dignity comes to mind. And it’s not like a falling into love, that won’t happen. It’s more like a falling in like, where this one time I wanted to say, “I just like you for some reason”, or even lately, “Don’t you think this is weird?” But that would only automatically make it so. Or maybe it wouldn’t, who knows. My point in saying even this is that I basically have zero desire to find out.

Besides the fact that people in the olden days didn’t even have access to these kind of lavish home libraries. Most people didn’t have books at all. So I don’t know where I get this idea from that I’m supposed to be reading on a regular basis and if I’m not then I’m living a sub-par life. Understanding this does not take away my desire to read but it at least helps me relax a little in knowing that reading a book a week is not a necessity.

The kids have the day off school for election day. I decided early on that they were going to spend the morning cleaning. I get having a lived in house and adjusting your expectations to not require perfection but I can’t get over believing that it’s not unrealistic to have a decently tidy home where kids are participating in the cleaning up process. They are all very capable and I appreciate their help and when things are mostly picked up.